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 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 76
Why do men find it hard to be friends?Page 4 of 44    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)

The sneaky suspicion I have from reading this thread, is that many women here are talking about befriending single, straight , virile men in their age bracket. And that's where the drama begins, IMHO.


I actually have to agree with this. Women don't know what they want, and often do things that they do not even know the motivation to.

Most women are totally insane. It's why women for the most part all hate each other and the vast majority can't be friends with one or two other girls.

I wish I had a dollar for every time a woman told me she has mostly guy friends.

-8sf8
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 77
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 11:06:47 AM

the men that you WANT to look past your boobs and butt and see you as something other than "that", are usually men that you've already looked past as prospective partners for whatever reason


Dead on.
 S.O.U.L
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 78
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 11:51:52 AM

Did anyone ever think if a woman or man wants to be friends, there is something special about the guy or girl she still wants in her life but SHE either senses he's not ready for her on a Boyfriend level or SHE's not ready for him on a Girlfriend level. There are a lot of people on dating sites who say they are ready for a relationship and may want to test that theory but find out later they arent readybut really like the people they met.. Honestly, has any of us ever been in a stage of fun only found a fantastic person that is future material and knows there may be something with this person later but not at the mindset you your self are currently in? In my opinion, sometimes its best to develop a friendship then rush into a GF/BF or worse a sexual relationship~ until both people are emotionally and mentally ready.


1. I think one should know whether or not their ready to date and eventually enter into a relationship BEFORE accepting or asking someone out for a date or putting up a personal ad. Who wants to be the "testing waters" or the "guinea pig" to see if you're ready for a relationship. It's not really fair to the other interested party who is ready for a relationship.

2. If you're only interested in being friends with someone then you need to be consistent with your message and actions. So no placing "romantic" expectations on someone who your interested in being friends with.

3. Don't put the other person on ice until you're ready for something more. Be a real friend and be supportive of them dating other people.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 79
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 12:50:04 PM
Broncsbuff I respectfully disagree...Perhaps it's just where I am in life...but I can definitely find women friends attractive and sexy, yet due to all of the elements of what I want right now not being there, stick to enjoying their friendships. I initially agreed with those that said that meeting them on a dating site would make it difficult to be friends since you started out as potential mates...then I realized one of my dear friends is a woman I met here on POF...we went out on a few dates . W got along real well but neither of us "felt" it so we agreed to be friends. She's very attractive too. I often compare potential mates by her. After experiencing the whole CHEMISTRY thing a few times... a relationship without it seems flat and lifeless now...I won't settle for that anymore no matter how HOT a woman looks...
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 80
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 3:23:58 PM
Too many people can't tell an apple from an orange when it comes to male-female friendship.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 81
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 5:45:36 PM
I find it easy to be friends...with a woman I'm not attracted to. If I am attracted to her, and she rejects me, it's painful and frustrating, and I can't be "just friends".

If you put on your profile "dating", and say "I just want to be friends (with you"...why WOULDN'T they get offended? Seems to me it would be a pretty clear message that "you're an ugly toad, not a suitable suitor for me". You crushed them, shattered their fantasies. It's impossible to be "just friends" after such a blow to the ego.

What you're doing wrong is pushing for friendship, after you've rejected them romantically. Forget the friendship. If you want a friend, hang with a gal or get a dog.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 82
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 7:25:30 PM

the men that you WANT to look past your boobs and butt and see you as something other than "that", are usually men that you've already looked past as prospective partners for whatever reason


Guess I'm just different......or in a different place in my life......
Cuz I do not look at every man I meet as a potential partner.
I'm not that desperate for a partner.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 83
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 8:04:37 PM

I'd rather be with a woman whom I have chemistry and friendship with than the one who looks good on my arm but isn't very fun and there's no spark!

What people aren't getting here is that it's not about wanting to date a woman -- it's having a desire, latent or on the surface, to be sexual if given a legit, drama-free (or maybe some drama) opportunity. Having more-than-friends feelings doesn't mean a crush or a desire to be in a relationship with them.

The argument about "being just friends" is about how having more-than-friends emotion/feelings about them underneath it all. Now, there's always exceptions, so in reference to this thread, we're talking about the COMMON situation one is to expect for common guys that ya meet from a DATING SITE. I mean, come on, let's be realistic here.

At the same time, many women who have male friends who claim there's nothing going on, fine. But again, that's not what it's about. It's about how the guy sees ya underneath it all. They can be friends with you, sure -- but also have more-than-friends feelings about ya, whether it's on a minor or major level.... and no, you don't know what they're thinking any more than any one else. If said women have a ton of guy friends (as many women in general do; there's a reason for that attention), you're probably right on a few, wrong on many.

You take a guy with not a whole lot of spare time on his hands, isn't lonely or new in town by any means -- no, he's not going to continue to see a gal from a dating site with pure platonic thoughts on his mind 100% as if you were his 1st cousin, sorry -- ain't happening. Such emotionally 100%-mutual platonic friendships evolve not instantly through a dating site -- but through other means over time.
 jerrick1962
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 84
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/27/2009 8:48:35 PM
Many but certainly not all men are bi-pedal dogs. For the most part, a man can be friends with the following females: unattractive/ relatives/ their relatives wives/ nuns/ little girls/etc. The sad thing is there are very few men that could actually be friends with all of those I mentioned. If you are not interested in a man then consider him an associate because true male friendship is very rare. Straight talk
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 85
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 6:56:05 AM

BUT, since most of the dates I've gone on haven't led to bf, I think if they're interesting and cool people, "why not friends?" Is this type of thinking flawed? I'm new to the city where i live and I can use a friend or two... why not?


OP, that's been my attitude as well, in several different places when I've moved. For the most part, it's worked well for me--I have made a lot of good friends with people with whom there was no chemistry. Good guys will respect your decision and respect it. For me, there have been a few who haven't, but most of them have been fine with it and not pushy at all. It depends on the guy--some are good with it, some aren't. But if he says he's good with friendship and he isn't, then that's on him.
 blue450
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 86
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 7:30:13 AM
I recently worked with a younger female store manager (a Jiffy Lube) who was friends with more than one of her surbordinates and they all F***ed. Sex at work, showered together, threesomes (openly discussed at work). The male "friends" she wasn't f***ing were running errands, moving crap, generally being free labor & gofer 's, being told to clock out early etc.... They were getting F***ed too but to stupid to realize it. I couldn't help but notice she was the talk of the shop, an admitted alcoholic, bi-sexual and just plain sloppy and stupid. Who wants a friend like that?? But young men think with their "units" and that's why girls who want a "friend" send out the wrong signal . YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID. Some woman are just born that way.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 87
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 8:07:28 AM
Broncsbuff I respectfully disagree...Perhaps it's just where I am in life...but I can definitely find women friends attractive and sexy,


I think your missing my point. I never said you cant have attractive female friends. I have three female friends that mean the world to me. They have been my friends for over 6 years, I would do anything for them. They all three are very attractive, they easily walk in a bar and all heads turn. I would be an idiot to tell you there are not attractive. The thing is Im not attracted to them in that way. I really look at them like sisters.

I am saying if your a male and you have a female friend that you like in any sort of way, you cant be friends with her. Its emotional torture, and you would be an idiot to keep her around. Women can easily dump men into the friend zone and be done with it. Men are not wired the same way. Say it again...
A man can only be friends with a women if the following applies...
1. He is gay
2. He is not attracted to you(explained up above)
3. He is getting sex from someone who he thinks is better than you

and oh yea...

Guys dont come to dating sites to make friends....FACT...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 88
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 8:25:36 AM
Women can easily dump men into the friend zone and be done with it. Men are not wired the same way.

Actually men are wired the same way - the friendzone is for those you don't have attraction to. Men can be friends with women they aren't attracted to (in fact, I think you actually put this in your list and a lot of men here have stated this), so it's no different than when a woman does it.

P.S. No one is "dumped" into a friends zone - they go there when lack of attraction is determined which is usually right away. However they ONLY go there when we like them as a person. There are guys who we don't even find interesting enough to want to be friends with. I'm sure men can say the same.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 89
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 8:40:50 AM
Progress...

good points, I think what im trying to say is that women can date men and put them in the friend zone without the men even knowing it. I dont think men (most) do the same thing. If we are dating you, we are attracted to you and want to sleep with you. I dont think we wake up one day and decide NOT to want to have sex with you.

If a women is dating a man and he wont make any moves on her to sleep with her the women is going to start questioning whether they are dating, or just "friends". The women will usually question it, and start freaking out one way or the other. (does he like me?...is he really interested)

The man will just continue to hang out with the women, and not even realize they have been put in the friend zone...but will sleep with her in a heartbeat if it comes to it...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 90
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 8:50:10 AM

good points, I think what im trying to say is that women can date men and put them in the friend zone without the men even knowing it. I dont think men (most) do the same thing. If we are dating you, we are attracted to you and want to sleep with you. I dont think we wake up one day and decide NOT to want to have sex with you.

While I am sure it seems like a 180, most women who do this weren't that into you in the first place and either were dating you to see if any attraction would develop, not into you and aware it won't change but lonely and dating just to date, or were attracted to you but something beyond that turned them off. I still think it's not gender specific - men do all those things as well.

And IMO, men wanting sex isn't specific to their interest in anything else. Men are also known for being able to sleep with a woman they don't really like. lol


If a women is dating a man and he wont make any moves on her to sleep with her the going to start questioning whether they are dating, or just "friends". The women will usually question it, and start freaking out one way or the other. (does he like me?...is he really interested)

I guess some women do this, but if they do it's likely in contrast with most men who go in for the kill too quickly.

The man will just continue to hang out with the women, and not even realize they have been put in the friend zone...but will sleep with her in a heartbeat if it comes to it...

Again, if nothing is discussed it's easy to assume what's happening. Most of the time the first couple dates for a woman are still a stage where she's figuring things out unless she knows him before she starts dating him...she's either not attracted and hoping it will change, or attracted and hoping that the rest of his traits are desireable.

With men, it seems to be get laid now, figure things out later - which is why a lot of the threads here about women they thought they knew get posted.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 91
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 8:52:00 AM
There you go Broncs....I think you nailed (pun intended) it! ...Exception being the girls we find that can be friends but detect they might be psycho in relationships...yes that happens I have a few female frinds right now who are wonderful friends but the things they do to their BF's is just stupid...and they KNOW it...AFTERWARD of course. Point is...I refuse to ever go there with them but I like their friendship. I gain a lot of insight from them as well
 S.O.U.L
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 92
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 9:10:40 AM

I am saying if your a male and you have a female friend that you like in any sort of way, you cant be friends with her. Its emotional torture, and you would be an idiot to keep her around. Women can easily dump men into the friend zone and be done with it. Men are not wired the same way. Say it again...


Broncbluff is 100% correct.

What it comes down to is "romantic interest" vs "friendship interest" ...not possible opportunity for sex or attractivness of the woman.

The problem for the OP is that the men she went out and rejected because she has a "friendship interest" in them while they still have a "romantic interest" in her even after the rejection. The OP wants their "romantic interest" to magically go away so everyone can be just friends because she likes them as person. In reality it doesnt work that way. Maybe in due time these guys could be friends with her, but not instantly.

The OP is looking at the situation for what is in her best interest and not what is their best interest which is the most important thing. What's in their best interest is that if they still have "romantic interest" in the OP is to distance themselves from her and find another woman to invest their romantic interest in.

About more than a year ago Imet someone at a local club and we dated for two months. I obvisously had a "romantic interest" in her and it was probably mutual on her part. Things were going great...until she met up with her on and off again ex of seven years (they broke up 5 months before we started dating) and they end up kissing. After that things pretty much went south. There was a month of space (her request) so she can "figure things out". I still had a "romantic interest" in her. We eventually went out two more times after the space but at that point it was pointless for me to still try to make something romantic work with her since she no longer had a "romantic interest" in me.

After that I didnt see her or speak with her. Trying to do the "let's be friends" thing wouldve have been fake and forced and wouldnt have been in the best interest of both of us . Eventually I stopped having a "romantic interest" in her and now could have a "friendship interest in her". I haven't spoken to her or seen her in person in over a year but I still have her as a Facebook friend and ask how she's doing when I see her sister. I'm sure if I ran into her at the mall with her boyfriend it would be the samething as if I ran into any of my other female friends and their boyfriends.
 Bimini2020
Joined: 12/24/2009
Msg: 93
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 9:43:45 AM
Hey Turk! When a guy says women stalked him, that tells me he gave them a reason to question the relationship and your intentions. the fact you got Restraining orders mean you did not did down and have a much needed conversation on your actions and how things got the way they were. You woud be a HUGE red flag to me that you run from your problems and would rather blame others than try to end a situation the respecful way. I doubt they called to get back but wanted answers and validation. They probably would never stalked you if you could communicate and be respectful.. You could have saved a lot of drama for everyone.
' So of course the "friend" thing would never work longterm with you because I could not trust that if what you were saying was a twisted conversation to side with you.You would be the exception..
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 94
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 10:07:09 AM

Guys dont come to dating sites to make friends....FACT....


Really? I hate to tell you Broncs that I was on here for well over a year looking for just friends . . . without benefits.

Just sayin'

And as for the OP - if you read her post carefully, you will see that she is talking about having met these guys once, maybe twice. Call me crazy, an exception or a throwback, but I can't see developing feelings or attraction so intense in that short of time that being friends with a woman would be emotional torture.
 Boricua Papi
Joined: 10/8/2007
Msg: 95
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 11:49:15 AM
This is a "dating site". If you go and meet a lot of guys from this "dating site" and they turn out to be cool, nice but not boyfriend material, hey just erase your profile! After so many attempts, you should be clear that you will not find a boyfriend here. Guys on here are not writing profiles and posting their best pictures just to be friends with girls on this "DATING SITE"!!!!!
 hyoid
Joined: 5/12/2009
Msg: 96
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 12:55:26 PM
"Friend" is an almost undefined word these days-I know a woman who claims as a friend anyone who she gets into drunken screaming matches with less than twice a month.

Most friendships are built from repeated, casual exposure at work, school, in the neighborhood, through mutual friends, etc. A gradual revealing of affinities between two people. A gradual building of trust, tolerance and interdependence.

Contrast that to your dating site mediated encounters. No matter how congruent your interests seem, it still took POF to introduce you-you obviously don't move in the same circles. So now the guy faces a special circumstance of "building friendship w/ Conscious Love (the OP)" -who, by the way, has already rejected the guy's romantic overture.

What you should offer them is friendly acquaintanceship.
If and when you encounter each other, you'll try to remember their names. You won't talk dirt or get into each other's business. And IF you end up in the same yoga class or neighborhood, you MAY become friends.

This, by the way, is what most guys are hoping for when they offer to remain friends after a breakup.
 broncsbuff
Joined: 4/18/2008
Msg: 97
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 1:12:39 PM

Really? I hate to tell you Broncs that I was on here for well over a year looking for just friends . . . without benefits.


I have to ask, and hopefully you can explain it to me. Why in the world would want to come to a dating site to "make friends" I am not trying to be funny or mean, but seriously do you not have enough friends in your life?

I have TONS of friends, some I talk to once a week, some everyday, some once every three or four months, but I certainly dont need to come to a dating site to "make friends"


but I can't see developing feelings or attraction so intense in that short of time that being friends with a woman would be emotional torture.


it has nothing to do with feelings, or emotion...there is no SMART guy that would hang out with a women he is attracted to if he is getting nothing out of it. If I hang out with a woman I want to sleep with, and know she will never give me sex, why in the world would I just want to hang out with her?...It doesnt make any sense to hang out with her and have her tell me about all the dudes she goes out with, and all the dudes that she sleeps with...do you think I want to hear from a woman that I am attracted to hear about dudes she meets and bangs?...

Dont take this the wrong way, but if your a male and your on a dating site and your entire goal is to "make friends" its one of two things...

1. Your lying to come across as the "nice guy" to sleep with women
2. Your already banging someone else so "making friends" isnt that big of a deal if it doesnt work out
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 98
Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 2:24:51 PM
I'm with broncs 100% on this. Not only do I have personal experience with a situation like that, i.e., I wanted more than just a friendship. Although she gave me mixed signals to say the least and for that reason I hung in there hoping that there would be a chance. Guess what, there was NEVER a chance because she had already made up her mind, probably within 5 minutes of talking to me the first time. My intentions were crystal clear to her all the time and I even told her that. So who's fault was it? Well, I guess mainly hers because she KNEW what I wanted and she enjoyed the attention I gave her. We also did things together, not much, but we could drive over to a lake, swim, lie there under the sun and once or twice she invited me over, etc.

It just doesn't work that way. So again yes, if there's attraction there's NO way that a friendship will work - no way.
 LongAfterDark
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 99
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 2:46:21 PM

Because that is an option. We're not all duplicates of each other and we're not all seeking the same thing - hence the name PLENTY of fish - the site to go to when you want to find people that have similar interests to yours.


Hmmm that's an interesting interpretation, because below Plentyoffish on the banner it says free online DATING. That must be a typo. I'll contact an administrator.
 fastdogphotog
Joined: 5/27/2008
Msg: 100
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Why do men find it hard to be friends?
Posted: 12/28/2009 2:50:53 PM

I have to ask, and hopefully you can explain it to me. Why in the world would want to come to a dating site to "make friends" I am not trying to be funny or mean, but seriously do you not have enough friends in your life?

I have TONS of friends, some I talk to once a week, some everyday, some once every three or four months, but I certainly dont need to come to a dating site to "make friends"


There you have it - the short answer is no, I did not have enough friends. I had lost touch with many friends over the years due to distance and dwindling common interests, and I also made the not uncommon mistake of focusing so much on my last long-term relationship that I lost touch with my other, remaining friends. So when that relationship ended, the few friends I had were mutual friends with my ex, and I realized I needed to re-establish my own network of friends.

I started reading different relationship related forums and discovered the forums on here. Then I discovered that "friends" was an option on the profile side, so I figured it might be possible to make friends here in addition to IRL. And my experience has shown me I was right. In addition, my ex continued to live with me for almost a year and a half after we split (strictly as a roommate - BTW), so I didn't feel it would be appropriate to seek anything more than friendship at that time anyway.


Dont take this the wrong way, but if your a male and your on a dating site and your entire goal is to "make friends" its one of two things...

1. Your lying to come across as the "nice guy" to sleep with women
2. Your already banging someone else so "making friends" isnt that big of a deal if it doesnt work out


This may be why many guys would be here looking to make friends, but it doesn't apply to everyone, and it certainly doesn't apply to me.
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