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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.      Home login  
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 michael feir
Joined: 5/15/2007
Msg: 76
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
From what you've said, it sounds like you did the right thing in this case. Clearly, this man was crossing a very important line. A serious relationship shouldn't mean that you dismiss all other good friends of the opposite sex from your life. There should, however, be a naturally occurring clear difference between such friendships built over time versus one's relationship with a special lady. For one thing, there's time spent. Frankly, I would hope that if I'm lucky enough to attract some special lady, she would have some male friends. I certainly wouldn't expect her to just walk away from all of them. They're part of a life which rightly goes beyond me. I would definitely feel that I owed a consultation at the very least with my lover before having another woman sleep over.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 77
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 4:48:41 PM
Some shi.theads need to wake up and realize that men and women CAN'T be friends. This is yet another such case, or evidence if you like. And again, NO guy will EVER initiate anything with a woman without wanting more than a few "hi's" now and then. It's bullsh.it and some naive fools need to knock that through their skull. There IS no such thing as "friendship" between a man and a woman. Either the so-called friendship started after a break-up, i.e., not a real friendship, an ex. fu.ck buddy, an ex or just some sorry ass punk hanging in there hoping for more. The only friendship between a guy and a chick that I believe in is one where the guy is gay beyond any doubt and has a score of male "numbers" on his record.
 littlesmiley
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 78
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 4:56:30 PM
OP, forgive me for discussing your post indirectly below - maybe the 'feedback' will be relevant, maybe not, this topic has appeared to take on a life of its own - good topic starter though : ) hopefully we will all come to understand each other's views more.

I do find myself wondering if this was the only reason you broke off with this man. I have an understanding that its easy to fall in love with someone, you just concentrate on the good bits, it's easy to fall out of love with someone, you just concentrate on the bad bits.

That you are incompatible on this area does suggest you did the right thing for you at this time, as well as for him. That you felt the need to create this topic suggests you may not be sure if it was justified.


In my mind, troubled I know, why only women?


As far as I can see in the OP it wasn't stated as him having only women friends, but the female friends were the OP's concern.

It also wasn't clear to me that the OP meant that a new female friend from facebook was the one that wanted to stay at his place - just that it was 'a' female friend.

I was in this situation a couple of years ago where I was going interstate to stay with my best male friend when he was in a relatively new relationship. I was recently divorced and single. His gf was a tad nervous and we both understood that. I was nervous too, this was his new partner. At no time was it ever about me and him becoming more than the dear friends we had been for over 30 years.

The line was very clear for me and my friend. We are friends, they are partners. Within a healthy relationship there should be room for both.

That she was important to him made her important to me. That I am important to him made me of interest to her.

As it happened she stayed the first few days and nights and then in the middle of a deep philosophical discussion (a major part of our friendship) she got up and said 'I get it! I'm going home now', with the biggest smile on her face. She 'got' our friendship and realised that I was in no way a threat to her relationship with him.

A previous gf of his however spoke to me on the phone when he handed it over for us to 'meet' and she immediately said how sick she was of him having and keeping female friends. My heart sank for my friend - it is who he is and he is a wonderful, ethical human being with both male and female friends that he treats as he treats all people - equally regardless of their gender.

I have never in 34 years of knowing this man ever known him to be disrespectful or cheat or groom another partner while with a partner - it's just not in him.

I guess I'm just saying that the judgement is on the part of the OP and others who see something wrong with something that may not be wrong. It may be foriegn, it may be different, it may not be something everybody can do, but I don't really understand why.

If somebody is going to cheat, they are going to cheat regardless of where / when they find an opportunity.

If somebody is not going to cheat, they're not going to cheat, regardless of any opportunities.

But, to judge someone untrustworthy or disrespectful because they have friends and are good at being a friend - that's a long bow for me.
 Cunning_linguist
Joined: 10/19/2007
Msg: 79
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 5:52:23 PM
Really when you think about it this is a good thread to see peoples own perspective

If someone says "NOBODY can have friends of the opposite sex without wanting to sleep with them" what they are REALLY saying is "I cant or wont have friends of the opposite sex unless I want to sleep with them"

Because we only ever have knowledge of a singular paradigm the norm is for people to assume its universal as most people really cant comprehend anyone having a different perspective about things

This is why cheaters tend to be possessive, jealous and have trust isssues

Its why honest people are gullible

And why dishonest people cant trust anyone


Its also a good kind of topic for spotting people who lack comprehension and have a absolutest outlook, IE "everything IS one extreme or the other, or IS exactly how I think it is as I can never be wrong"

That sort of outlook, which is shown clearly by people claiming that just because THEY cant have opposite sex friends without sex being on their mind nobody else can either. In reality thats just what they need to believe so they dont feel so bad about themselves. Because if they can convince themselves that "everyone" has the same character flaws then they can relax and feel its "normal"

As the previous poster said, if someone is going to cheat they will. Infact one of the most common scenarios for that is via work. But I doubt the woman who posted the thread would want to get out and earn enough money to support herself AND a partner really, so althought its the most likely place for him to meet someone I'm sure him going to work will be fine and WONT arouse suspicion conveniently

I agree that friends shouldnt be "hidden" from a partner, but by the same degree I wouldnt agree to parade them in front of one either. If someone I was seeing didnt trust me with female friends, several of whom I speak to several times a week for hours and have done for years and whom I will spend odd weekends with or vice versa then thats their problem not mine

And if they didnt trust me they know where the door is. Its that simple


Lifes just too short to have to spend it compensating for therapy sessions somebody else DIDNT bother attending
 Calientecutie
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 80
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:04:59 PM
he has had friends before you met him...i find you very insecure...it is obvoious he had nothing to hide...he was being honest with you....i have been in a relationship with some one who has had his good female friend sleeping over...and it does not bother me...
 EmotionallyDetached
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 81
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:07:50 PM
There goes that FB shit again.

Anyhoo, maybe your ex needed to validate himself by staying in touch with all those women. And yes, you were right about him disrespecting you. However, two can have a hand at that game and you are behaving so jealous especially when you throw back into his face the stuff he confides in you about past gfs.

All you did was "see" him cyberchat with these ladies, which really doesn't prove anything. Breaking up with him with no real proof except emails and texting, is quite foolish. I don't suppose you saw incriminating evidence to back up your suspicions? Really, feeling threatened by a woman who was his high school chum and at sleep away camp as well, is really beginning to take the pep out of your step.
 Sharperchick
Joined: 9/10/2009
Msg: 82
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:19:43 PM

Some shi.theads need to wake up and realize that men and women CAN'T be friends. This is yet another such case, or evidence if you like. And again, NO guy will EVER initiate anything with a woman without wanting more than a few "hi's" now and then. It's bullsh.it and some naive fools need to knock that through their skull. There IS no such thing as "friendship" between a man and a woman. Either the so-called friendship started after a break-up, i.e., not a real friendship, an ex. fu.ck buddy, an ex or just some sorry ass punk hanging in there hoping for more. The only friendship between a guy and a chick that I believe in is one where the guy is gay beyond any doubt and has a score of male "numbers" on his record.


Oh. My. Gawd.

I have such a hard time believing you are for real. That is just an asinine statement. A bunch of them strung together, as a matter of fact.

I have friends I've known for nearly 40 years - of both genders. If I want to have lunch with them, or a private conversation with them, I'll do it. And if some guy I'm dating doesn't like it, then he can go somewhere else. Dumping friends because of the insecurity of an SO makes a mockery of the word "friend." It's just as childish as having a friend who b*tches and complains if you spend time with your SO.

For the record, I've also been choosing what I wear and what I eat for about the same amount of time. Men I date don't get to make that decision for me either.

Where on earth did people get this notion that they have some power to make choices for the people they date?
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 83
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:22:11 PM

Really when you think about it this is a good thread to see peoples own perspective

If someone says "NOBODY can have friends of the opposite sex without wanting to sleep with them" what they are REALLY saying is "I cant or wont have friends of the opposite sex unless I want to sleep with them"

Because we only ever have knowledge of a singular paradigm the norm is for people to assume its universal as most people really cant comprehend anyone having a different perspective about things

This is why cheaters tend to be possessive, jealous and have trust isssues

Its why honest people are gullible

And why dishonest people cant trust anyone


Its also a good kind of topic for spotting people who lack comprehension and have a absolutest outlook, IE "everything IS one extreme or the other, or IS exactly how I think it is as I can never be wrong"

That sort of outlook, which is shown clearly by people claiming that just because THEY cant have opposite sex friends without sex being on their mind nobody else can either. In reality thats just what they need to believe so they dont feel so bad about themselves. Because if they can convince themselves that "everyone" has the same character flaws then they can relax and feel its "normal"

As the previous poster said, if someone is going to cheat they will. Infact one of the most common scenarios for that is via work. But I doubt the woman who posted the thread would want to get out and earn enough money to support herself AND a partner really, so althought its the most likely place for him to meet someone I'm sure him going to work will be fine and WONT arouse suspicion conveniently

I agree that friends shouldnt be "hidden" from a partner, but by the same degree I wouldnt agree to parade them in front of one either. If someone I was seeing didnt trust me with female friends, several of whom I speak to several times a week for hours and have done for years and whom I will spend odd weekends with or vice versa then thats their problem not mine

And if they didnt trust me they know where the door is. Its that simple


Lifes just too short to have to spend it compensating for therapy sessions somebody else DIDNT bother attending


Great fecking post!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 84
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:25:43 PM
It's not about what's right or wrong, it's about your personal discomfort with his female friends and them feeling free to sleep over, WHEN for you it's crossing a boundary.

Personally I not only don't have a problem with dating a man that has women friends, sleeping over...yeah well, it'd be not a confrontational or an ultimatum. I can't speak further to that because it hasn't happened. I have male friends, so if I were confronted with it, I'd guess my response would be, how comfortable HE would be if one of my male buddies were "visiting" and wanted to sleep over.

I already know the answer, because if I were involved, it wouldn't happen. Not because of anything he said, I wouldn't even ask. If I'm uninvolved, well yeah there's been times when a guy friend bunks out on the couch, even when my kids still lived here. They knew him, and we got a Snoopy blanket and laughed.

That sounds like a different scenario, my guy friends have never slept in my bed OR with me. I love them, we're very close and there's times when I've slept on their couch...but NEVER when they were dating anyone or involved. Friends respect each other's relationships and we'd never be in any situation where that would happen.
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 85
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:31:48 PM
Sometimes trying to write about misgivings in a relationship can come across onesided or superficial and jealous. I think when you can separate out what a female friend is and isn't and how that friendship makes you feel is more important. I have had male friends and believe me when they start dating a woman they grow distant with me. I don't mind so much because I do understand it. It depends on how close the friend was before. But I have people who have married and they keep me on their FB page, but I also try to include the wife in my comments or keep it neutral. Trust me if anything was going to happen between my male friends and I they would have happened... if it is a ex boyfriend than I really understand his moving on... One thing I've learned is that nothing really lasts forever and people just move on.... you just keep yourself open to friendships...
 yourstillhere
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 86
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:34:49 PM
you have what you can handle and cannot handle your partner doing in a relationship.

if you cant handle something they`re doing then thats all there is to it and doesnt make you right or wrong.
if it crosses your line of happiness/security/trust then it crosses.

there will always be those who claim to have unbreakable ironclad confidence and trust in anything and everything and give you a hard time for not being as tough as they are.

i remember you from before.
you know what you`re doing and what you need, good on you for being an active participant in finding it and good also for getting out of something that doesnt suit you.

a situation like yours would`nt have worked well for me neither.
 1angelinthefort
Joined: 6/29/2008
Msg: 87
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:37:58 PM
OP I agree with you and support your decision 100%
 huyensa
Joined: 7/30/2009
Msg: 88
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:44:33 PM
I agree with you.

But I think, in relationship issues, we must have a face to face converstion to resolve them. If I'm in an relationship, I always want to keep it long and try not to break it up.
 Impune
Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 89
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:47:19 PM
I just broke up with a guy who had the need to keep in touch with all his female friends. Some were newly found on Facebook and others were females he had already been speaking to before he met me. I don't mean 2 0r 3..I mean at least 1o


Op this is called trust and insecurity issues on your part. Why, men can't have women as friends ?? What kind of a control freak are you.
 smile9999
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 90
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:52:44 PM
the op was right in her decision, people just don't seem to want to read what she wrote. Also, I know tons of couples who have been together forever, and it just doesn't seem to me that either of them have friends of the opposite sex that they feel the need to communicate with every day
 treey
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 91
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 6:58:26 PM
lets all be serious. friendship is not the issue, what type of friends is which only those involved know what kind of friends they really are some insecure people need these mental relationships to fill other voids in their life.....but nine times outta nine if you feel something is not right it you're right.
 honeyangel1985
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 92
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:09:46 PM
Op, two very huge thumbs up for you for dumping him and standing up postively for your beliefs and standards!!!!!!! Your now ex was DEFINITELY out of line! He had the gall to call you jealous and extreme? His words are just an excuse cheaters use to justify their bad behaviour. You are NOT insecure and you don't have trust issues like some posters on here have indicated. You have standards and everyone should. That's your definition of loyalty, never apologize for it. Trust has to be earned and if a partner is cheating he's not earning it.

When I was single and dating I would not date a man who had female friends or who did not share my belief that when 2 people are in a relationship or married they should not be associating with members of the opposite sex (ie. hanging out with alone, communicating privately with, etc). My mother encouraged this belief in her children and I learned firsthand that when a guy claims "she's just a friend" it means much more then that. An ex of mine claimed that and it turned out he was screwing some woman behind my back. Of course, he was immediately dumped, so I learned not to trust a man who claims "she's just a friend". I was determined to find someone who shared my belief and I have. We have other couples as friends and they are a wonderful part of our lives. I have my female friends and my bf has his male buddies. When 2 people are in a relationship they have each other and thus do not need to be cavorting with members of the opposite sex. I figure if others have a problem with my belief then it's THEIR problem, not mine. I'm not changing my belief for anyone.

Trust me there are men out there with a concept of loyalty. You'll find one just like I have who will give you reasons to trust him. Don't give up and stick with your standards and beliefs.

Some on this site have a problem with the beliefs of others and will attack and degrade a person for them. I have posted my belief on this issue in the past and had people jump down my throat about it. Don't let such individuals get to you. Just laugh it off and chalk it up to them being ignorant and not having a concept of loyalty.

Prior to my relationship with Anthony (who is my bf), when dating I had people tell me I'd never find anyone because of my beliefs. Yep well I'm in a relationship and those individuals are not, so I got the last laugh.

Those married or in relationships who claim to need friends of the opposite sex do so to validate and stroke their egos. Inflate them a bit more LOL.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 93
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:15:45 PM
^^ That's a healthy attitude if you ask me!

Those who are still in doubt should check out the ladder theory on the subject.
 MiketheZombie
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 94
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:18:29 PM
They call those backup plans... ';/
 verityone
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 95
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:24:15 PM
If someone says "NOBODY can have friends of the opposite sex without wanting to sleep with them" what they are REALLY saying is "I cant or wont have friends of the opposite sex unless I want to sleep with them"

False.
Circular reasoning.
You're conjuring.

Saying >>this<< is NOT saying >> that<<.

This is why cheaters tend to be possessive, jealous and have trust isssues.

They can also be vegetarians.
Cheaters and NON cheaters are both capable of having the same issues.

And why dishonest people cant trust anyone

Once again, circular reasoning can lead to false conclusions.

A trusting woman, who (unbeknownst to you ) as the victim of rape, becomes distrusting, and you jump to the conclusion that she is untrusting because she is dishonest, would only make you look like a fool.

Circular reasoning is a playground for cynics...

Lifes just too short to have to spend it compensating for therapy sessions somebody else DIDNT bother attending

Life is too short to constantly draw fallacious conclusions...
 barbyanne2
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 96
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:25:03 PM
I most definitely agree with you more than 100% if that is possible. If you are exclusive, it needs to be in his heart to show, in every way, that your relationship with him is #1. He can't possibly prioritize you the way he should if he is busy with all of these other women. I would not put up with it.

His message to these women should be: "I'm in an exclusive relationship now. So it is no longer appropriate for me to continue relationships with other women" (beyond work - or the quick hello/good bye to a casual acquaintance). period. His focus for female interaction should be on you to build intimacy, show respect, and establish loyalty. He has his male friends as friendships.

Trust me, at least some of these "other" women are not interested in a platonic friendship - so he is just sending the wrong messages - to everyone.
 Dice55
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 97
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:39:59 PM
Well if that was how you felt he should have gave you more attention...
If thats the way he is your better off without him...
I dont think it makes him a bad guy just a guy doing something else.

When we need we need though If I felt that way i would have left too in hope to find someone that can spend more time with me. No hard feelings.
 Dice55
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 98
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:41:51 PM
Maybe he wants TO BE a woman! hehehe
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 99
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 8:01:01 PM
There are two entirely separate issues going on here in the OP. A man or a woman staying friendly and keeping in contact with people who they have been close with for many years is completely acceptable and even expected, and no person who comes into their life, even as as significant other, has the right to tell them to abandon those relationships because they disapprove or feel threatened, or don't have any such relationships themselves. Time to grow up, put away the jealousy and be an adult.

However, someone who is actively pursuing new "friendships", especially online, is a different kettle of fish in the extreme. Obviously this is a person who is keeping their options open in case they find some greener grass elsewhere. The woman who posted this had every right to be upset with her partner, and to give him the heave ho if he wouldn't stop chatting up new women.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 100
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 8:40:43 PM
Agree completely with message 99- its the still seeking out these new opposite sex relationships that tells me he wasn't committed to begin with. I really fail to see why her boyfriend would require more female friends at a year into a relationship. The old friends- they are part of what you got into- he should be able to maintain these if everything was purely platonic. But its still up to the boyfriend to display thats exactly what these were- he failed.

However looking at the previous posts made- I wonder if there is a generational difference on how we view things. Maybe the younger more net suave folks see this as the norm- chatting to anybody on FB and other sites.

OP- was the ex a lot younger than you? Maybe he views this as more normal than a person in their 50's might see it? Just throwing it out there since you don't really mention it in the original post. It could be there was some preception problems but I still think you did the right thing- no point in continuing further if it wasn't working for you- and I think the boyfriend didn't value the relationship as much as you did.
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