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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.      Home login  
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 honeyangel1985
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 76
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Op, two very huge thumbs up for you for dumping him and standing up postively for your beliefs and standards!!!!!!! Your now ex was DEFINITELY out of line! He had the gall to call you jealous and extreme? His words are just an excuse cheaters use to justify their bad behaviour. You are NOT insecure and you don't have trust issues like some posters on here have indicated. You have standards and everyone should. That's your definition of loyalty, never apologize for it. Trust has to be earned and if a partner is cheating he's not earning it.

When I was single and dating I would not date a man who had female friends or who did not share my belief that when 2 people are in a relationship or married they should not be associating with members of the opposite sex (ie. hanging out with alone, communicating privately with, etc). My mother encouraged this belief in her children and I learned firsthand that when a guy claims "she's just a friend" it means much more then that. An ex of mine claimed that and it turned out he was screwing some woman behind my back. Of course, he was immediately dumped, so I learned not to trust a man who claims "she's just a friend". I was determined to find someone who shared my belief and I have. We have other couples as friends and they are a wonderful part of our lives. I have my female friends and my bf has his male buddies. When 2 people are in a relationship they have each other and thus do not need to be cavorting with members of the opposite sex. I figure if others have a problem with my belief then it's THEIR problem, not mine. I'm not changing my belief for anyone.

Trust me there are men out there with a concept of loyalty. You'll find one just like I have who will give you reasons to trust him. Don't give up and stick with your standards and beliefs.

Some on this site have a problem with the beliefs of others and will attack and degrade a person for them. I have posted my belief on this issue in the past and had people jump down my throat about it. Don't let such individuals get to you. Just laugh it off and chalk it up to them being ignorant and not having a concept of loyalty.

Prior to my relationship with Anthony (who is my bf), when dating I had people tell me I'd never find anyone because of my beliefs. Yep well I'm in a relationship and those individuals are not, so I got the last laugh.

Those married or in relationships who claim to need friends of the opposite sex do so to validate and stroke their egos. Inflate them a bit more LOL.
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 77
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:15:45 PM
^^ That's a healthy attitude if you ask me!

Those who are still in doubt should check out the ladder theory on the subject.
 MiketheZombie
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 78
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:18:29 PM
They call those backup plans... ';/
 barbyanne2
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 79
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:25:03 PM
I most definitely agree with you more than 100% if that is possible. If you are exclusive, it needs to be in his heart to show, in every way, that your relationship with him is #1. He can't possibly prioritize you the way he should if he is busy with all of these other women. I would not put up with it.

His message to these women should be: "I'm in an exclusive relationship now. So it is no longer appropriate for me to continue relationships with other women" (beyond work - or the quick hello/good bye to a casual acquaintance). period. His focus for female interaction should be on you to build intimacy, show respect, and establish loyalty. He has his male friends as friendships.

Trust me, at least some of these "other" women are not interested in a platonic friendship - so he is just sending the wrong messages - to everyone.
 Dice55
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 80
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:39:59 PM
Well if that was how you felt he should have gave you more attention...
If thats the way he is your better off without him...
I dont think it makes him a bad guy just a guy doing something else.

When we need we need though If I felt that way i would have left too in hope to find someone that can spend more time with me. No hard feelings.
 Dice55
Joined: 4/14/2009
Msg: 81
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 7:41:51 PM
Maybe he wants TO BE a woman! hehehe
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 82
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 8:01:01 PM
There are two entirely separate issues going on here in the OP. A man or a woman staying friendly and keeping in contact with people who they have been close with for many years is completely acceptable and even expected, and no person who comes into their life, even as as significant other, has the right to tell them to abandon those relationships because they disapprove or feel threatened, or don't have any such relationships themselves. Time to grow up, put away the jealousy and be an adult.

However, someone who is actively pursuing new "friendships", especially online, is a different kettle of fish in the extreme. Obviously this is a person who is keeping their options open in case they find some greener grass elsewhere. The woman who posted this had every right to be upset with her partner, and to give him the heave ho if he wouldn't stop chatting up new women.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 83
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 8:40:43 PM
Agree completely with message 99- its the still seeking out these new opposite sex relationships that tells me he wasn't committed to begin with. I really fail to see why her boyfriend would require more female friends at a year into a relationship. The old friends- they are part of what you got into- he should be able to maintain these if everything was purely platonic. But its still up to the boyfriend to display thats exactly what these were- he failed.

However looking at the previous posts made- I wonder if there is a generational difference on how we view things. Maybe the younger more net suave folks see this as the norm- chatting to anybody on FB and other sites.

OP- was the ex a lot younger than you? Maybe he views this as more normal than a person in their 50's might see it? Just throwing it out there since you don't really mention it in the original post. It could be there was some preception problems but I still think you did the right thing- no point in continuing further if it wasn't working for you- and I think the boyfriend didn't value the relationship as much as you did.
 omegagent
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 84
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 8:44:37 PM
As Chris Rock once said, "Women keep platonic friends like a****in a glass case. Why? Because you never know..."

The point being, it happens both ways. I honestly think women are worse with this than men are. Women keep male 'friends' who are conveniently good at things like car repair, carpentry, etc. If a man has female friends that he purposely keeps away from his woman...yeah, raise a red flag. If there's a problem with him having female friends...the onus shifts to the woman. Because if the script was flipped and a guy said something like this, he would be a controlling, insecure jerk. And it can be denied or deflected as much as can be, but that's still the truth.
 HoldingHands27
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 85
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 9:06:55 PM
My friends are MY Friends....
Most of my Female friends now live 200 to 1,000 miles away, anyway..!!
That very point destroyed One relationship of mine...
My Male friends didn't Matter to her.....it was the Females that she objected to..!!
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 86
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 9:15:09 PM
The truth is that he knows this is not acceptable. Anyone who wants to justify the behavior can do so all they want but it will not change that. This guy knows perfectly well that he was outside the boundaries. He knows.

And, having slogged through this morass, I am a little surprised to see that, unless I missed it (my apologies if I did), I think I am the first person to note that this:
One evening, he left his email open at my house...
...pretty much had to be on purpose.

IMO he wanted to force the issue, whether because he thought he'd found some greener grass, or for some other reason, doesn't matter. He left it open for you to see knowing that you would be hurt irrevocably. That's pretty extreme manipulation just to avoid being the one doing the breaking up. I think he pushed you - and his flirt buddies! - around a LOT, in more ways than this that you will see better in retrospect, and you are well shut of him.

Here's hoping 2010 is better for you, MsTennis.
 bluesand11
Joined: 11/16/2009
Msg: 87
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 10:23:54 PM
Of course you did the right thing by breaking up with him. Obviously he did not consider you seriously.

I have received reponse from quite a few guys on POF saying "Thanks for the note, but I am seeing someone now". So when I I ask why his profile is still active. The answer is "Oh, I guess I am looking that special one or better one".

Until you meet that one and only one, we are accompanying each other on the way to our destination. I don't see anything so bad about it - keeping each other company without a string until you find your special one (the one).

So in summary, you were not for him.
 barbyanne2
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 88
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 10:51:34 PM
"t's interesting how some people here twist things around saying the OP is insecure, while it's evident who's insecure- the man who constantly needs attention of 10+ ladies.

You people need to learn how to make a difference between requiring respect and being insecure."

^this. green.apple is right on.

**************************************************************************

I had a brief long distance thing going with a guy like this who was all over the map with female friends and exes....recently he contacted me again out of the blue, and I realized that I am fond of him but ....no.
 PrimeWoman
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 89
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:14:30 AM
When people outside the relationship are given a higher priority than the persons inside of it, it's trouble.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 90
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:48:28 AM
Greetings,
You have different personalities and different needs as individual humans. You also have different ways of being around others and in relationship. Your language in your posts seems to suggest that the issue of female friends is not "him" as much as it is your own sense of self-worth and self-confidence. The phrase, "having open dialogue with 2 very attractive woman[sic] for weeks," is a strong indicator of possible feelings of inferiority to other women and scream insecurities about one's self. Providing an ultimatum to him of ending the email relationships or you would leave is an attempt to control and change the behavior of another against their will and wishes.

One cannot compare one's own way of being with that of another and make judgments about right or wrong, respect or disrespect, or which way of being is best. You each have a different way of valuing relationships how relationships function and are and are not maintained.

Kudos to him to being true to himself and not capitulating to the threat. Kudos to you for knowing what you can and cannot accept and ending the relationship. You both successfully dodged a bullet, an unhappy relationship in the long-term, and avoided great post marital expense.

May you both find someone who is more aligned with your personal way of being so that you will both accepted for who you are and can accept others for who they are.

Best,

ACP
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 91
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:07:50 AM
Sounds like either you don't trust him -or other women...

Being that he isn't hiding anything (leaving his e-mail open) shows he is being open about how he lives his life and the people in it. -btw -why are you invading his privacy sneaking into his e-mail anyway...

Do you have any proof he's cheating on you, or you just jealous cuz he knows lots of women?
Your probably better not being in his life, if feel you have to follow him around feeling he may be sneaking off with every hottie that talks to him.
-and he'll most likely choose his friends over a neurotic girlfriend as well...
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 92
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:59:06 AM
I agree with Frau Blucher on this one. True alot of us have friends of the opposite sex, but we don't want them constantly purring around our SOs ankles.
 tall.cold.1
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 93
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 10:03:38 AM
I have several female friends, but it's without benefits because we just see each other as friends. Once you really get to know someone, then you probably will not want to be in a relationship with him or her. I still keep in touch with one of my ex-girlfriends, even though she got married a year ago. We broke up in 2002 and she still wanted to be friends.

 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 94
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:15:22 AM
i learned a little trick when i was 18 or 19 on how to handle my opposite sex friends......make the gesture of giving the power over to your SO:

"your comfort level is much more important to me than hanging out with my guy friends, let me know if any of them make you feel uncomfortable and i will distance from them".

it works wonders, my previous guys rarely feel jealous because they know i will back it up. it also gives them a comfortable space to initate friendships with my guy friends.
 Bablynbrook
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 95
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:23:44 AM
It doesnt sound like this man was trying to hide anything from you. You found an email that was OPEN at YOUR house. You sound like a child. Really? TEN friends that are female? Wow, run for it You know what is attractive in a woman? Confidence, not jealousy. Try being confident!!
 13karat
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 96
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:59:11 AM


Sounds like you both have insecurity issues. He needs lots of friends and you get jeleous.

Breaking up was the right thing if for no other reason than you two are simply not compatible
+1

I think you overreacted big time. And you come off as a HUGE control freak to boot. Who are you to tell him who he can and can't associate with "or else"? Who are you to tell him who he can and can't have at HIS place?

Control. Freak.

It's probably best that the two of you aren't a couple anymore. Clearly your insecurity and power trips need to be dealt with before you pair off again.

Just sayin'............

+2
I am not a bigot in any way.... if I meet someone who is "friend material" I befriend them... regardless of gender, colour, social status, religion, etc. In short, I am an equal opportunity friend.... and if a man I meet has a problem with one of my friends, no matter their gender or whatever... then he is gone.
Experience has long ago taught me, true friends are priceless. I cannot fathom booting any one of them out of my life just because a man asked me to.... just by his asking, he would be showing me that he is not the right man for me.
 thefishwhisperer
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 97
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 12:18:04 PM
You gotta keep em around, you never know when they might come in handy.
 barbyanne2
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 98
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:26:26 PM
"When people outside the relationship are given a higher priority than the persons inside of it, it's trouble."

^this. thanks prime woman

To those who feel that op is insecure. no she is not. she requires respect & loyalty. that is just the opposite of insecure. no man would put up with it either if the shoe was on the other foot - at least no self-respecting one.

he left the computer open because he wanted to get caught - may have wanted "out" whatever...it's done now.

men who feel that it's acceptable behavior are immature womanizers who don't have the strength of character (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship. (A non committed relationship - different story, of course).

Have some dignity, people.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 99
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:35:50 PM
Funny, one of my male friends just ended the relationship with his new GF because she insisted that he get rid of the women on his Facebook, phone list, etc.

OP, if your guy merely had "friends," that's one thing: if you felt you couldn't trust him with those friends, that's another thing. Trust is a big issue, but if he was merely keeping in contact with women whom he saw as friends but not lovers, you are insecure AND jealous.

And you read his emails, tsk-tsk. That kinda puts you in the jealous camp, doesn't it?

By the way, when my sister was seeing her present husband, she called me one day because she was upset that he told another woman (in her presence) that she was pretty. My sister didn't know if that meant he "liked" the other woman or not. I told her to ask him. He told her that he complimented the woman because no one else did--he was trying to make her feel good about herself. My sister married the guy and they have been married for 16 years.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 100
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:59:37 PM
ok let me spell it out in english to those who can't quite grasp the concept that barbyanne2 has already beautifully articulated.......

there is a big difference between an unhealthy possessive individual that is incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship and keeping opposite sex friends around while attemping to create intimacy with a new person. some distancing is imperative and well as some letting go.

people that are capable of being honest with themselves and others know that our friendships with opposite sex friends can be complicating to say the least. my male friends have the class and decency to back off when i have started dating someone new. they love me and want to see me happy.

baryanne2, good luck with this particular forum topic because many pof posters are adamantly genderless.

ms tennis, good on you for letting go of this guy. if its a difficult break-up just remember that you love yourself enough to endure and process the pain to make room for the deserving "one". you don't settle for second best. good luck and hope you meet him soon!
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