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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.      Home login  
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 omegagent
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 101
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
As Chris Rock once said, "Women keep platonic friends like a****in a glass case. Why? Because you never know..."

The point being, it happens both ways. I honestly think women are worse with this than men are. Women keep male 'friends' who are conveniently good at things like car repair, carpentry, etc. If a man has female friends that he purposely keeps away from his woman...yeah, raise a red flag. If there's a problem with him having female friends...the onus shifts to the woman. Because if the script was flipped and a guy said something like this, he would be a controlling, insecure jerk. And it can be denied or deflected as much as can be, but that's still the truth.
 HoldingHands27
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 102
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 9:06:55 PM
My friends are MY Friends....
Most of my Female friends now live 200 to 1,000 miles away, anyway..!!
That very point destroyed One relationship of mine...
My Male friends didn't Matter to her.....it was the Females that she objected to..!!
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 103
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 9:15:09 PM
The truth is that he knows this is not acceptable. Anyone who wants to justify the behavior can do so all they want but it will not change that. This guy knows perfectly well that he was outside the boundaries. He knows.

And, having slogged through this morass, I am a little surprised to see that, unless I missed it (my apologies if I did), I think I am the first person to note that this:
One evening, he left his email open at my house...
...pretty much had to be on purpose.

IMO he wanted to force the issue, whether because he thought he'd found some greener grass, or for some other reason, doesn't matter. He left it open for you to see knowing that you would be hurt irrevocably. That's pretty extreme manipulation just to avoid being the one doing the breaking up. I think he pushed you - and his flirt buddies! - around a LOT, in more ways than this that you will see better in retrospect, and you are well shut of him.

Here's hoping 2010 is better for you, MsTennis.
 bluesand11
Joined: 11/16/2009
Msg: 104
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 10:23:54 PM
Of course you did the right thing by breaking up with him. Obviously he did not consider you seriously.

I have received reponse from quite a few guys on POF saying "Thanks for the note, but I am seeing someone now". So when I I ask why his profile is still active. The answer is "Oh, I guess I am looking that special one or better one".

Until you meet that one and only one, we are accompanying each other on the way to our destination. I don't see anything so bad about it - keeping each other company without a string until you find your special one (the one).

So in summary, you were not for him.
 barbyanne2
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 105
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/22/2009 10:51:34 PM
"t's interesting how some people here twist things around saying the OP is insecure, while it's evident who's insecure- the man who constantly needs attention of 10+ ladies.

You people need to learn how to make a difference between requiring respect and being insecure."

^this. green.apple is right on.

**************************************************************************

I had a brief long distance thing going with a guy like this who was all over the map with female friends and exes....recently he contacted me again out of the blue, and I realized that I am fond of him but ....no.
 swans05
Joined: 12/8/2009
Msg: 106
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 4:29:50 AM
umm this is bout my x gf who held onto her male friends single and married who she seemed compeled to talk to all the bloody time.i asked her to tone it down and she did but she resented me for it.I respected her wen she asked me the same thing and she evcen told me which women to do it too and i told each of them to tone it down and they did.I nrespected her like that cause i dnt believe you need to chat to all these other people of the oppisite sex if you are in a serious relasionship.....opinions pls
 PrimeWoman
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 107
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:14:30 AM
When people outside the relationship are given a higher priority than the persons inside of it, it's trouble.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 108
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:48:28 AM
Greetings,
You have different personalities and different needs as individual humans. You also have different ways of being around others and in relationship. Your language in your posts seems to suggest that the issue of female friends is not "him" as much as it is your own sense of self-worth and self-confidence. The phrase, "having open dialogue with 2 very attractive woman[sic] for weeks," is a strong indicator of possible feelings of inferiority to other women and scream insecurities about one's self. Providing an ultimatum to him of ending the email relationships or you would leave is an attempt to control and change the behavior of another against their will and wishes.

One cannot compare one's own way of being with that of another and make judgments about right or wrong, respect or disrespect, or which way of being is best. You each have a different way of valuing relationships how relationships function and are and are not maintained.

Kudos to him to being true to himself and not capitulating to the threat. Kudos to you for knowing what you can and cannot accept and ending the relationship. You both successfully dodged a bullet, an unhappy relationship in the long-term, and avoided great post marital expense.

May you both find someone who is more aligned with your personal way of being so that you will both accepted for who you are and can accept others for who they are.

Best,

ACP
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 109
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:07:50 AM
Sounds like either you don't trust him -or other women...

Being that he isn't hiding anything (leaving his e-mail open) shows he is being open about how he lives his life and the people in it. -btw -why are you invading his privacy sneaking into his e-mail anyway...

Do you have any proof he's cheating on you, or you just jealous cuz he knows lots of women?
Your probably better not being in his life, if feel you have to follow him around feeling he may be sneaking off with every hottie that talks to him.
-and he'll most likely choose his friends over a neurotic girlfriend as well...
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 110
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:59:06 AM
I agree with Frau Blucher on this one. True alot of us have friends of the opposite sex, but we don't want them constantly purring around our SOs ankles.
 tall.cold.1
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 111
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 10:03:38 AM
I have several female friends, but it's without benefits because we just see each other as friends. Once you really get to know someone, then you probably will not want to be in a relationship with him or her. I still keep in touch with one of my ex-girlfriends, even though she got married a year ago. We broke up in 2002 and she still wanted to be friends.

 Cuddlywuddly grr
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 112
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 10:29:59 AM
So men like to keep a harem of fillys. Hardly anything new there and hardly likely they will stop looking through most mediums.

Stroke there egos - well to be fair 99% of the women ive ever talked to cant, unless your telling them something of the ego faltering variety.

its the age olde argument, with many answers in part
he can just be addicted to the attention and chase
he may just be bored
he many be pretty harmless
he may think you are, texting those youve known
he may think you are in contact with all your olde friends exes
he may see it as a numbers game
too many to mention...

However he may be keeping his options open. but as you say if its true hes getting them over then he wants a little more than a smile and chat, most likely.

But, one thing ive learned over the years is that women are actually worse, imo, save one with daft high absolute standards.

Be prepared to talk, or try one more time - but as i say these talks can degenerate into a slagging match and numbers game one which extroverts usually triumph over the introverts "friend" count
hands down so to speak
often whilst perusing the menu

Lets pake of a simple analogy if i have 3 os firends and person x has 100
Should I gain 97 or them lose 97
tricky I guess
with an addage of guys are rarely hit on in any format...this is something most girls really just dont understand
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 113
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:15:22 AM
i learned a little trick when i was 18 or 19 on how to handle my opposite sex friends......make the gesture of giving the power over to your SO:

"your comfort level is much more important to me than hanging out with my guy friends, let me know if any of them make you feel uncomfortable and i will distance from them".

it works wonders, my previous guys rarely feel jealous because they know i will back it up. it also gives them a comfortable space to initate friendships with my guy friends.
 Bablynbrook
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 114
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:23:44 AM
It doesnt sound like this man was trying to hide anything from you. You found an email that was OPEN at YOUR house. You sound like a child. Really? TEN friends that are female? Wow, run for it You know what is attractive in a woman? Confidence, not jealousy. Try being confident!!
 13karat
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 115
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:59:11 AM


Sounds like you both have insecurity issues. He needs lots of friends and you get jeleous.

Breaking up was the right thing if for no other reason than you two are simply not compatible
+1

I think you overreacted big time. And you come off as a HUGE control freak to boot. Who are you to tell him who he can and can't associate with "or else"? Who are you to tell him who he can and can't have at HIS place?

Control. Freak.

It's probably best that the two of you aren't a couple anymore. Clearly your insecurity and power trips need to be dealt with before you pair off again.

Just sayin'............

+2
I am not a bigot in any way.... if I meet someone who is "friend material" I befriend them... regardless of gender, colour, social status, religion, etc. In short, I am an equal opportunity friend.... and if a man I meet has a problem with one of my friends, no matter their gender or whatever... then he is gone.
Experience has long ago taught me, true friends are priceless. I cannot fathom booting any one of them out of my life just because a man asked me to.... just by his asking, he would be showing me that he is not the right man for me.
 thefishwhisperer
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 116
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 12:18:04 PM
You gotta keep em around, you never know when they might come in handy.
 barbyanne2
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 117
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:26:26 PM
"When people outside the relationship are given a higher priority than the persons inside of it, it's trouble."

^this. thanks prime woman

To those who feel that op is insecure. no she is not. she requires respect & loyalty. that is just the opposite of insecure. no man would put up with it either if the shoe was on the other foot - at least no self-respecting one.

he left the computer open because he wanted to get caught - may have wanted "out" whatever...it's done now.

men who feel that it's acceptable behavior are immature womanizers who don't have the strength of character (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship. (A non committed relationship - different story, of course).

Have some dignity, people.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 118
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:35:50 PM
Funny, one of my male friends just ended the relationship with his new GF because she insisted that he get rid of the women on his Facebook, phone list, etc.

OP, if your guy merely had "friends," that's one thing: if you felt you couldn't trust him with those friends, that's another thing. Trust is a big issue, but if he was merely keeping in contact with women whom he saw as friends but not lovers, you are insecure AND jealous.

And you read his emails, tsk-tsk. That kinda puts you in the jealous camp, doesn't it?

By the way, when my sister was seeing her present husband, she called me one day because she was upset that he told another woman (in her presence) that she was pretty. My sister didn't know if that meant he "liked" the other woman or not. I told her to ask him. He told her that he complimented the woman because no one else did--he was trying to make her feel good about herself. My sister married the guy and they have been married for 16 years.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 119
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:59:37 PM
ok let me spell it out in english to those who can't quite grasp the concept that barbyanne2 has already beautifully articulated.......

there is a big difference between an unhealthy possessive individual that is incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship and keeping opposite sex friends around while attemping to create intimacy with a new person. some distancing is imperative and well as some letting go.

people that are capable of being honest with themselves and others know that our friendships with opposite sex friends can be complicating to say the least. my male friends have the class and decency to back off when i have started dating someone new. they love me and want to see me happy.

baryanne2, good luck with this particular forum topic because many pof posters are adamantly genderless.

ms tennis, good on you for letting go of this guy. if its a difficult break-up just remember that you love yourself enough to endure and process the pain to make room for the deserving "one". you don't settle for second best. good luck and hope you meet him soon!
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 120
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 4:03:45 PM

To those who feel that op is insecure. no she is not. she requires respect & loyalty. that is just the opposite of insecure. no man would put up with it either if the shoe was on the other foot - at least no self-respecting one.


This is a value-laden comment implying that those who disagree with the OP or this particular forum participant are "not self-respecting". Further, the generalized assertion, "no man would put up with it either ... " is false as it only takes 1 man to falsify the assertion who is secure in himself, self-confident, and self-assured who has no need or desire to control the behavior of others directly or through ultimatums. Ultimatums are nothing more than thinly veiled attempts to control and manipulate a desired outcome. The requirement of respect and loyalty left the moment the other person was given an either/or ultimatum. Neither was a valid choice for the individual given the ultimatum.

The man referenced is also seeking respect and loyalty. Respect and loyalty for his personal relationships. When one individual is selected for an intimate physical and emotional relationship by another, ending all other relationships with individuals of either gender is not a requirement. People can and do maintain deep relationships with others including aspects of intimacy that do not exceed sexual boundaries negotiated by a couple.

The OP's security would have better reflected had the response been simply to express that she felt threatened by these relationships with these other women. The issue would then be open for dialogue so that they could discuss the issues and mutually negotiate their relationship and whether it would continue and how other relationships would and would not continue. The moment humans attempt to dominate another who is confident and self-assured, the attempts often blow up such as the illustrated in this thread.


he left the computer open because he wanted to get caught - may have wanted "out" whatever...it's done now.


Stinking thinking, magical thinking, fantasy land, or whatever you wish to call it, this is an assertion ex nihlo. The reasons are only known to him. It could be as simple as, he had nothing to hide and has done nothing for which to feel any shame.


men who feel that it's acceptable behavior are immature womanizers who don't have the strength of character (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship. (A non committed relationship - different story, of course).


Another value-laden generalization implying that men who disagree with this forum participant's view are "immature womanizers who don't have the strength (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship".

A response that would be inline with this way of thinking follows the logic that all woman who agree with this forum participant are "immature misandrists". Clearly, not a true reflection of women in the broadest sense.


The value-laden assertion made by the forum participant, again is an assertion ex nihlo. The strength of character of this man cannot be discerned from the information provided. His character can just as easily be viewed as strong and well-defined, without shame or feeling a need to hide his relationships with others. Quite transparent, it seems.

There are no set standards for how any relationship will and will not function. The only standards that exist in any relationship are those mutually negotiated by the people in them.

Regards,

ACP
 NOBLMAN
Joined: 10/18/2009
Msg: 121
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:02:12 PM
You need to set bounderies for youself. Your say what the f... . Yea you have to decide what is acceptable to you. People write on hear seeking opinions and advice, and some times wisdom. The latter is often like panning for gold. But here is my nugget. There are times in life when others opinions are valuable, but there are also times when you need to say what are my beliefs. What do I want in life? In a relationship?. What are you willing to live with. One thing about the WEB is like many other forms of modern day technoloy is it has a two edged sword. So the ? is wether or not he's being completely and hole heartedly faithfull to you. Honestly the litmus test for this is can you be part of the relationship. If he wants to have friendships with other women that are totally removed from you and your ability to particiapate then I would be concerned. But most of all set the bounderies for youself. What are you willing to live with. And trust your gut. Good luck.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 122
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 6:18:04 PM

men who feel that it's acceptable behavior are immature womanizers who don't have the strength of character (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship. (A non committed relationship - different story, of course).


Ya know, as always on POF forums, we just heard one side of the story. I would love to hear what he has to say about the depth of commitment between him and the OP and his "relationships" with the other women.
 entracte
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 123
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Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:02:11 PM
Hi... Sad as it is we are all human and complicated.
It would be more a situation of what you are willing to accept.
In your mans case I would think he is a very in_secure person and is afraid that if he lets go of what he has he would miss out on something.
Boy and girl in same room and things are bound to happen, it's the way we are, and if you think that he would never go there.... think again.
Respect !!!! more a moral issue I would think.... why would you hurt a heart given freely.
You stay jealous, you have a right to be, and you only speak up because it hurts you and it's obvious he has no emotional attachment too you to continue his adventure.
Personally I do not continue to speak to a lady if there was nothing there to start with even if we did communicate well, not that there would be competition for the lady I do meet one day but more that for the reason that you are now in a situation of breaking up, I would not want my lady too feel that she has that issue to contend with.
Fred
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 124
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:03:38 PM

To those who feel that op is insecure. no she is not. she requires respect & loyalty. that is just the opposite of insecure. no man would put up with it either if the shoe was on the other foot - at least no self-respecting one.



he left the computer open because he wanted to get caught - may have wanted "out" whatever...it's done now.

men who feel that it's acceptable behavior are immature womanizers who don't have the strength of character (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship. (A non committed relationship - different story, of course).

Have some dignity, people.
-27
1. Yes she is, and so are you. (Be sure to check the "control issues" box as well! )
2. There is no reason to hide anything when your not doing anything wrong.
3. Hate men much? lmao....
4. We have, the problem is you simple don't recognise it.

I truly doubt you or the op have a clue as to what respect, loyalty, maturity or strength of character even is. Which is why your oblivious to it's presence.

That's the problem with people these days. They seem to think they can demand what they don't offer themselves.
 smile9999
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 125
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:25:52 AM
the op was right, who needs a dram queen guy like that in their lives
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