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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 101
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.Page 5 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Greetings,
You have different personalities and different needs as individual humans. You also have different ways of being around others and in relationship. Your language in your posts seems to suggest that the issue of female friends is not "him" as much as it is your own sense of self-worth and self-confidence. The phrase, "having open dialogue with 2 very attractive woman[sic] for weeks," is a strong indicator of possible feelings of inferiority to other women and scream insecurities about one's self. Providing an ultimatum to him of ending the email relationships or you would leave is an attempt to control and change the behavior of another against their will and wishes.

One cannot compare one's own way of being with that of another and make judgments about right or wrong, respect or disrespect, or which way of being is best. You each have a different way of valuing relationships how relationships function and are and are not maintained.

Kudos to him to being true to himself and not capitulating to the threat. Kudos to you for knowing what you can and cannot accept and ending the relationship. You both successfully dodged a bullet, an unhappy relationship in the long-term, and avoided great post marital expense.

May you both find someone who is more aligned with your personal way of being so that you will both accepted for who you are and can accept others for who they are.

Best,

ACP
 867love
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 102
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:07:50 AM
Sounds like either you don't trust him -or other women...

Being that he isn't hiding anything (leaving his e-mail open) shows he is being open about how he lives his life and the people in it. -btw -why are you invading his privacy sneaking into his e-mail anyway...

Do you have any proof he's cheating on you, or you just jealous cuz he knows lots of women?
Your probably better not being in his life, if feel you have to follow him around feeling he may be sneaking off with every hottie that talks to him.
-and he'll most likely choose his friends over a neurotic girlfriend as well...
 barbee1970
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 103
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:59:06 AM
I agree with Frau Blucher on this one. True alot of us have friends of the opposite sex, but we don't want them constantly purring around our SOs ankles.
 tall.cold.1
Joined: 10/18/2006
Msg: 104
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 10:03:38 AM
I have several female friends, but it's without benefits because we just see each other as friends. Once you really get to know someone, then you probably will not want to be in a relationship with him or her. I still keep in touch with one of my ex-girlfriends, even though she got married a year ago. We broke up in 2002 and she still wanted to be friends.

 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 105
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:15:22 AM
i learned a little trick when i was 18 or 19 on how to handle my opposite sex friends......make the gesture of giving the power over to your SO:

"your comfort level is much more important to me than hanging out with my guy friends, let me know if any of them make you feel uncomfortable and i will distance from them".

it works wonders, my previous guys rarely feel jealous because they know i will back it up. it also gives them a comfortable space to initate friendships with my guy friends.
 Bablynbrook
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 106
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:23:44 AM
It doesnt sound like this man was trying to hide anything from you. You found an email that was OPEN at YOUR house. You sound like a child. Really? TEN friends that are female? Wow, run for it You know what is attractive in a woman? Confidence, not jealousy. Try being confident!!
 13karat
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 107
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:59:11 AM


Sounds like you both have insecurity issues. He needs lots of friends and you get jeleous.

Breaking up was the right thing if for no other reason than you two are simply not compatible
+1

I think you overreacted big time. And you come off as a HUGE control freak to boot. Who are you to tell him who he can and can't associate with "or else"? Who are you to tell him who he can and can't have at HIS place?

Control. Freak.

It's probably best that the two of you aren't a couple anymore. Clearly your insecurity and power trips need to be dealt with before you pair off again.

Just sayin'............

+2
I am not a bigot in any way.... if I meet someone who is "friend material" I befriend them... regardless of gender, colour, social status, religion, etc. In short, I am an equal opportunity friend.... and if a man I meet has a problem with one of my friends, no matter their gender or whatever... then he is gone.
Experience has long ago taught me, true friends are priceless. I cannot fathom booting any one of them out of my life just because a man asked me to.... just by his asking, he would be showing me that he is not the right man for me.
 thefishwhisperer
Joined: 11/26/2009
Msg: 108
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 12:18:04 PM
You gotta keep em around, you never know when they might come in handy.
 barbyanne2
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 109
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:26:26 PM
"When people outside the relationship are given a higher priority than the persons inside of it, it's trouble."

^this. thanks prime woman

To those who feel that op is insecure. no she is not. she requires respect & loyalty. that is just the opposite of insecure. no man would put up with it either if the shoe was on the other foot - at least no self-respecting one.

he left the computer open because he wanted to get caught - may have wanted "out" whatever...it's done now.

men who feel that it's acceptable behavior are immature womanizers who don't have the strength of character (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship. (A non committed relationship - different story, of course).

Have some dignity, people.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 110
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:35:50 PM
Funny, one of my male friends just ended the relationship with his new GF because she insisted that he get rid of the women on his Facebook, phone list, etc.

OP, if your guy merely had "friends," that's one thing: if you felt you couldn't trust him with those friends, that's another thing. Trust is a big issue, but if he was merely keeping in contact with women whom he saw as friends but not lovers, you are insecure AND jealous.

And you read his emails, tsk-tsk. That kinda puts you in the jealous camp, doesn't it?

By the way, when my sister was seeing her present husband, she called me one day because she was upset that he told another woman (in her presence) that she was pretty. My sister didn't know if that meant he "liked" the other woman or not. I told her to ask him. He told her that he complimented the woman because no one else did--he was trying to make her feel good about herself. My sister married the guy and they have been married for 16 years.
 sleeping beauty
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 111
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 1:59:37 PM
ok let me spell it out in english to those who can't quite grasp the concept that barbyanne2 has already beautifully articulated.......

there is a big difference between an unhealthy possessive individual that is incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship and keeping opposite sex friends around while attemping to create intimacy with a new person. some distancing is imperative and well as some letting go.

people that are capable of being honest with themselves and others know that our friendships with opposite sex friends can be complicating to say the least. my male friends have the class and decency to back off when i have started dating someone new. they love me and want to see me happy.

baryanne2, good luck with this particular forum topic because many pof posters are adamantly genderless.

ms tennis, good on you for letting go of this guy. if its a difficult break-up just remember that you love yourself enough to endure and process the pain to make room for the deserving "one". you don't settle for second best. good luck and hope you meet him soon!
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 112
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 4:03:45 PM

To those who feel that op is insecure. no she is not. she requires respect & loyalty. that is just the opposite of insecure. no man would put up with it either if the shoe was on the other foot - at least no self-respecting one.


This is a value-laden comment implying that those who disagree with the OP or this particular forum participant are "not self-respecting". Further, the generalized assertion, "no man would put up with it either ... " is false as it only takes 1 man to falsify the assertion who is secure in himself, self-confident, and self-assured who has no need or desire to control the behavior of others directly or through ultimatums. Ultimatums are nothing more than thinly veiled attempts to control and manipulate a desired outcome. The requirement of respect and loyalty left the moment the other person was given an either/or ultimatum. Neither was a valid choice for the individual given the ultimatum.

The man referenced is also seeking respect and loyalty. Respect and loyalty for his personal relationships. When one individual is selected for an intimate physical and emotional relationship by another, ending all other relationships with individuals of either gender is not a requirement. People can and do maintain deep relationships with others including aspects of intimacy that do not exceed sexual boundaries negotiated by a couple.

The OP's security would have better reflected had the response been simply to express that she felt threatened by these relationships with these other women. The issue would then be open for dialogue so that they could discuss the issues and mutually negotiate their relationship and whether it would continue and how other relationships would and would not continue. The moment humans attempt to dominate another who is confident and self-assured, the attempts often blow up such as the illustrated in this thread.


he left the computer open because he wanted to get caught - may have wanted "out" whatever...it's done now.


Stinking thinking, magical thinking, fantasy land, or whatever you wish to call it, this is an assertion ex nihlo. The reasons are only known to him. It could be as simple as, he had nothing to hide and has done nothing for which to feel any shame.


men who feel that it's acceptable behavior are immature womanizers who don't have the strength of character (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship. (A non committed relationship - different story, of course).


Another value-laden generalization implying that men who disagree with this forum participant's view are "immature womanizers who don't have the strength (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship".

A response that would be inline with this way of thinking follows the logic that all woman who agree with this forum participant are "immature misandrists". Clearly, not a true reflection of women in the broadest sense.


The value-laden assertion made by the forum participant, again is an assertion ex nihlo. The strength of character of this man cannot be discerned from the information provided. His character can just as easily be viewed as strong and well-defined, without shame or feeling a need to hide his relationships with others. Quite transparent, it seems.

There are no set standards for how any relationship will and will not function. The only standards that exist in any relationship are those mutually negotiated by the people in them.

Regards,

ACP
 NOBLMAN
Joined: 10/18/2009
Msg: 113
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:02:12 PM
You need to set bounderies for youself. Your say what the f... . Yea you have to decide what is acceptable to you. People write on hear seeking opinions and advice, and some times wisdom. The latter is often like panning for gold. But here is my nugget. There are times in life when others opinions are valuable, but there are also times when you need to say what are my beliefs. What do I want in life? In a relationship?. What are you willing to live with. One thing about the WEB is like many other forms of modern day technoloy is it has a two edged sword. So the ? is wether or not he's being completely and hole heartedly faithfull to you. Honestly the litmus test for this is can you be part of the relationship. If he wants to have friendships with other women that are totally removed from you and your ability to particiapate then I would be concerned. But most of all set the bounderies for youself. What are you willing to live with. And trust your gut. Good luck.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 114
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 6:18:04 PM

men who feel that it's acceptable behavior are immature womanizers who don't have the strength of character (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship. (A non committed relationship - different story, of course).


Ya know, as always on POF forums, we just heard one side of the story. I would love to hear what he has to say about the depth of commitment between him and the OP and his "relationships" with the other women.
 entracte
Joined: 6/4/2008
Msg: 115
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History
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:02:11 PM
Hi... Sad as it is we are all human and complicated.
It would be more a situation of what you are willing to accept.
In your mans case I would think he is a very in_secure person and is afraid that if he lets go of what he has he would miss out on something.
Boy and girl in same room and things are bound to happen, it's the way we are, and if you think that he would never go there.... think again.
Respect !!!! more a moral issue I would think.... why would you hurt a heart given freely.
You stay jealous, you have a right to be, and you only speak up because it hurts you and it's obvious he has no emotional attachment too you to continue his adventure.
Personally I do not continue to speak to a lady if there was nothing there to start with even if we did communicate well, not that there would be competition for the lady I do meet one day but more that for the reason that you are now in a situation of breaking up, I would not want my lady too feel that she has that issue to contend with.
Fred
 Shamefullpride
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 116
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:03:38 PM

To those who feel that op is insecure. no she is not. she requires respect & loyalty. that is just the opposite of insecure. no man would put up with it either if the shoe was on the other foot - at least no self-respecting one.



he left the computer open because he wanted to get caught - may have wanted "out" whatever...it's done now.

men who feel that it's acceptable behavior are immature womanizers who don't have the strength of character (ACP) to behave decently & respectfully within a monogamous relationship. (A non committed relationship - different story, of course).

Have some dignity, people.
-27
1. Yes she is, and so are you. (Be sure to check the "control issues" box as well! )
2. There is no reason to hide anything when your not doing anything wrong.
3. Hate men much? lmao....
4. We have, the problem is you simple don't recognise it.

I truly doubt you or the op have a clue as to what respect, loyalty, maturity or strength of character even is. Which is why your oblivious to it's presence.

That's the problem with people these days. They seem to think they can demand what they don't offer themselves.
 smile9999
Joined: 1/4/2009
Msg: 117
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:25:52 AM
the op was right, who needs a dram queen guy like that in their lives
 NastyJerk
Joined: 4/18/2009
Msg: 118
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History
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/31/2009 3:43:17 PM
OP: He is much better off without you in his life. Grow up.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 119
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/31/2009 6:00:30 PM
What I don't get is the lack of tolerance in the "advice" from people on this forum.

In this case, the lady has boundries that are being crossed. Good or bad, they are her boundries. She protects those boundries, and some call her a control freak. But let her live with this grown up boy and get put through the wringer, she is then called a door matt.

I've always had femail friends, even a few married ones which isn't that hard to maintain IF you are respectful of the marriage and have a reputation for being a decent person. That said, the most secure guy in the world isn't going to put up with male "buddies" if his mate is untrustworthy. This is the information that is missing, is this guy trustworthy? I skipped a couple of pages, did that come out or not?

You know what though? Every one of my female friends in the past understood that a new relationship meant a change in our relationship, that is just the way it is. I felt the same for them if they got involved, good for them, if a little distance helps them make things work, what else are friends for?

My opinion is that those who put friends ahead of a SO has some serious issues of their own. Call me old fashioned, call me a control freak, but I'd rather wait till I found someone that I wanted to spend time with, someone that provided most of what I needed, rather than someone that left me needed 10 others to keep up with.

Ditch the guy, OP. You aren't jealous. You are learning.
 1776or1984
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 120
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/31/2009 6:01:32 PM
Heh, heh...femail friends.... female.
 1kindMan4U
Joined: 5/23/2007
Msg: 121
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/31/2009 6:08:21 PM
OP.. I couldnt access your profile, but your thumbnail pic was smokin hot.

AS a man with female friends.. I GET where YOU are coming from. when I HAVE been in a serious relationship, I always take my relationship around to MEET my female friends.

He was playing you cause he is still DOING these women in some fashion.. and the one who was coming to town was gonna sleep IN HIS BED WITH HIM.

The whole story is SCREAMING a player.. and you were right on to end it.

Now email me and let's figure out how to hook up since you are now single.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 122
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/31/2009 7:45:39 PM

However, someone who is actively pursuing new "friendships", especially online, is a different kettle of fish in the extreme.
HELL YEAH! If i found out that my guy was actively aquiring new female friends on any online (or real life) meduim and telling them how pretty they were, i'd be having some serious issues with the relationship!! Previous friends are fine, but this........
One evening, he left his email open at my house and I found that he was having an open dialogue with 2 very attractive woman for weeks. He was not only writing to them but he was also stroking their egos..For example..He would tell one of the woman how pretty she was.
In no way is that innocent friendship!! If my guy felt the need to start doing that a year into the relationship then he'd be looking for a new relationship cos he wouldn't have one with me any longer.
 psychoholoic
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 123
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/31/2009 8:59:12 PM
Sounds like he is going to far, looking at it from a male perspective, if a women was like that, I would dump on the spot no questions asked. Long term female friends, or whatever, or if he is like me and is friendly with friend's girlfriends, thats fine, I have a few female friends including exes ive known forever, but if I was dating someone I wouldn't be out trying to meet other women. If I meet them via work/school for strickly platonic (sp?) reasons I would find that to be acceptable but not in mass amounts. You have every right to question him just as any man would have a right to question a women, though far too often their bothered by that. I don't see why.... If a women questioned me about other women it would show she values the relationship<--------very important, a lot of people ive dated don't understand that LOGIC
 MissBeautiful1
Joined: 2/16/2008
Msg: 124
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/31/2009 9:16:23 PM
MsTennis, I completely agree with you in every way.
I've had this experience before with past relationships, I felt it was absolutely ridiculous, especially when I would tell them, 'Okay, I'm going to keep in touch with my male friends than, is that okay?' and they would go nuts, saying my male friends would want to sleep with me and try to sleep with me or would have romantic feelings for me because 'they know what men are like', etc etc. Why would it be any different with his female friends? How would I know one of them didn't have secret intense feelings for him and would do anything to tear us apart or create doubt in the relationship? I know what women can be like- I grew up with 5 sisters, I had many, many female friends during school and I've worked with many females for 8yrs! I've seen and heard a lot about the secret workings of many womens minds! Sisterhood is a waning, complicated thing, it is not as a wonderful thing as men with their Mateship!! I just felt it would be ridiculous to be with a man who has some female 'friend' texting him on a Friday night, asking to see a movie or go to dinner.... What the...? That is what I'm there for- and it's funny how a majority of time, there was no mention of me joining them!! Plus if he has slept with them in the past, or they are an ex-girlfriend or something, I just don't need that in my life to have to deal with! Relationships don't need a third wheel- OR TEN! Paranoid or not, untrusting or not, controlling or not, doesn't matter- the fact remains there is temptation everywhere already, I don't need some ex-girlfriend or 'best friend' or whatever hanging around!! I find it laughable how he got upset about my intention to get in touch with my male friends if he insisted on keeping his....Funny, isn't it? I put my male friends away to concentrate and create a relationship with him, so as far as I am concerned, he can do the same! I have a partner now who shares exactly the same views as me- we have some 'couple friends' and he sticks with his male friends and I have my female friends and we are happy that way. If couples can have female and male friends and a woman is comfortable with that, that's great, but I can see why many other women wouldn't like it one bit! It's not always about trust- many people trust their partners with all their hearts and still they get cheated on or decieved!! I can't believe he called you jealous?? It's your RIGHT to question the intent of his female relationships!! And to be told the truth! Extreme?? He's the extreme one- searching for reassurance and something else besides you to feed his ego!
I don't agree with the Facebook thing either, how dare he find and make new female friends when he is with you! What a sad loser he is!! If he HAS to have female friends, why not just one or two? Why 10....maybe more? Frustrating!!!! You did the right thing. You deserve better than someone who needs little ego boosts surrounding him!! He'll have a lot of trouble finding a woman who is going to be 100% okay with what he's doing!!
 ktori
Joined: 7/9/2009
Msg: 125
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History
Men in serious relationships who hold on to female friends.
Posted: 12/31/2009 10:34:09 PM
My man has many women friends, some married some single, and to me it just shows how well he relates to everyone. It's a plus for me because I find great new friends through him.

Some women are just insane possessive jealous ****es and that's a shame. I don't think that's you though. I think it matters a lot who these women are and what kind of relationships he has with them. Sounds to me like he's up to no good, or headed for some kind of trouble. I think you're right to be leery.
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