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Joined: 8/21/2009
Msg: 26
Can anyone give me advice? Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
first of all he is old enough to be your father. at this point in your life you are to young to be a mother of three it's time for you to explore and maybe after starting a career for your self maybe meet some one your own age, have children of your own. whats wrong with him he can't anyone his own age. dump him and move on cut your losses.....
Joined: 1/12/2009
Msg: 27
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 3:14:31 PM
I don't think age should be a factor in any relationship. What bothers me is this. You've been seeing this guy for 4 months right. 2 months ago you join this site looking for a man, long term. Could you explain.
Joined: 12/7/2009
Msg: 28
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Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 3:14:57 PM
Ok then, that's TWO major betrayals from older men in your life, the uncle and absent father. Unfortunately I saw this same thing happen with BOTH daughters of a female friend of mine, classic behaviour and heart breaking. What about your mom? Is she around/supportive? It sounds like you could really use a stable adult in your life, a mentor of some kind who, sorry to put it bluntly, won't want to do you. Aunt? Older sister? You're obviously trying to reach out by posting this, maybe one of the fine ladies from POF would step up? Maybe even your local women's shelter could be of help given your background. I have a daughter a little older than you and the more I think about this the more I think you're being taken advantage of because of your background and the angrier I get. Please take care of yourself.
Joined: 6/12/2009
Msg: 29
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 3:28:53 PM
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 30
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 5:01:04 PM
I am trying to reach out. I know that if I let this fester inside of me, that I will eventually be so messed up, that I will end up in a horrible and abusive relationship. My mom is in the picture, yet, not really. She is very overwhelmed. I am the eldest of four girls, so unfortunately, I do not have an older sister to confide in. The rest of my relatives, I hate to say, are a little unkind to me and choose not to speak to me. They are all fat snobs and can't stand the fact that I am a little overweight.

I want you all to know, that I do not mean to be having a pity party in anyway, shape, or form. But talking about all this and getting it out in the open is helping me tremendously. Thank you for listening and giving me GREAT advice.

I am not sure how this will all turn out, just yet, but I am at least able to think a little clearer about the situation and I am seeing that I may just be responding to him because of my past.

Thank you all so much. And thank you to the wonderful women who have sent me emails.
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 31
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 6:57:17 PM

Can anyone give me advice?

Not really. We can treat you like a pet and say "there there, it'll be okay," and just make you feel better.

But really there isn't any information in the OP.
IMO relevant information would be:
How long you talked to each other on line before getting together. Is that part of the 4 months (talked online for 3, met and jumped into relationship in the last month)? Or 4 months since you first met in person? Or 4 months since some sort of exclusive relationship label talk (and having dated for a year prior but not in a romantic relationship)?

What do you mean you were friends first? You were friends, and then noticed each other online? Or you hung out as friends, and it just developed into more? Or you both decided friends first online together, and met and were friends for a while and just jumped from friends on tuesday to exclusive relationship on wednesday?

Who pushed to develop it? You say later you want to sit back and wait for where it goes. Does that mean he has been manipulating the relationship this entire time and you have been completely passive aggressive waiting and watching for something to play "gotcha" on him so you can blame him for a breakup? Basically letting him tell you where the relationship is going, and as long as it matches your unvoiced criteria that is okay?

You say he is 20 years older than you are, and that wasn't a big deal at first. Does that mean as time is going on it's becoming a bigger deal? What is making it a big deal?

I honestly want your thoughts and opinions

My thoughts and opinions are neither of you really want to be in a relationship because of bad pasts. So you found each other for short term, and are probably waiting for the other to make the first move of accepting responsibility for breaking it up, and you've started rationalizing and looking for things to sabotage it and blame him. And he may as well.

I don't know. There isn't any relevant information really.
 walking the pooch
Joined: 10/31/2009
Msg: 32
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:10:57 PM
He probably has many little girl friends like you. Even younger!
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 33
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:34:57 PM

I'm not sure I am mentally at the point where I can support him and his son

Op,that's "IT" right there.....................amongst a heap of other reasons why you should end this relationship NOW.
At nearly 40,he's waaay too old for you.
YOUR life is just sound a very sensible young girl.
You know what you have to do....i really wish you all the best,
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 34
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:35:24 PM
Steely Dan, Hey Nineteen....

Listen to it...It's a true story.
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 35
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Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:43:04 PM
he jumped into the relationship feet first and said he loved me after a month of dating, which kind of raised some red flags for me.
Different people fall in love at different rates. If this is indicative of anything, it is indicative that perhaps this guy knows what he wants in a shorter amount of time than you do and is less indecisive.

The age difference is a bigger issue here.
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 36
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 7:51:47 PM
he has said that he wants someone to help him raise his son.

It's a good idea that he wants a kid to help him raise his kid.
OP, you are too young for doing what you do. To be with an old man, you won't have your future! Don't make your life so difficult as you are a student. You might only enjoy having sex with him because having sex with a man should be pretty new for you. In addition, as the man wants your young body, maybe he also pays your dinners and drinks. Offering your free lunch doesn't mean loving you. In fact, you don't know what love is. Why don't you finish your school first? When your parents know your situation, they won't be happy for you!
Joined: 4/3/2009
Msg: 37
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Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:05:59 PM
I'm glad you're thinking with your head, not just your heart (or body!).

Sweetie, IMHO you are really young to be dealing with a man who's almost twice your age, and with a child to boot. I dated (and loved) a much older man once, and it could be him you're describing. But despite the connection/chemistry, it was hard because our circles (friends, professional, families etc) rarely overlapped. We were just in two different places, and had to accept that. Plus, I couldn't help but consider the fact that if I married him, I would most likely end up a younger widow, or at best, a nursemaid. They say love conquers all, but I say look practically at all the possible outcomes when you fall in love.
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 38
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:12:20 PM

I didn't check your profile first.

Now I get it. He's over twice your age, you've had abuse issues and haven't even had your first legal drink yet.

Like some others have said, and you have agreed to, some therapy may be in order before you are ready to make these kind of calls.

Perhaps it's time to appreciate what he's given you to this point and seriously think about your future. Life holds so many wonderful possibilities for you right now.

Don't worry, you have a great heart, so meeting the perfect person is in the cards for you when you are ready.

Growing up is scary to me

Scary for me too (and I'm 45!)

Good Luck.

Joined: 9/12/2009
Msg: 39
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:32:05 PM
Edited because I feel I've been snookered by the OP's original posting. The entire thread should have been deleted as misleading....

Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 40
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:44:17 PM
After reading XO's post, I believed that I was too serious to give OP my advice with my first post. I am learning from you people. I also wonder why a young girl dates someone who is almost her father's age.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 41
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 8:46:37 PM

I am not sure how this will all turn out, just yet, but I am at least able to think a little clearer about the situation and I am seeing that I may just be responding to him because of my past.

Kid, I feel for you. First of all, hang in there. The forums are going to be brutal, but that is what they always are. But about two thirds of what they said is right. I think you do need to consider that perhaps you need some therapy. Second. If your family is Fat, quess what, I never saw you as an overweight girl. So start by going to a gym, or just running. I will help you center yourself into a healthy activity. Then trust yourself. Go there girl. You have a lot of future.

This guy may be a good guy. But I am sorry it's not for you at this point in your life. Best wishes to you, babe.
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 42
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 9:06:48 PM
OP...if you were my daughter or my sister or my very good friend, this is the advice that I would give you.

1) If you have to ask the question, you already know this is not the right relationship for you. When you are with the right one, you have no doubts.
2) Being a victim of sexual abuse is a tough one to get through....there are issues involved that may only be resolved through therapy or at least a support look into that before you set up patterns in your dating life or worse, end up in an abusive relationship. Until you can say with all confidence you are a survivor of sexual abuse, you are really NOT ready for a relationship.

At 18, you really are still growing and developing as a woman. Your brain won't stop developing until you are 25 years old. You should stay the course of those things that you will need to be self-supporting and can make you feel confident in your education and healing from what it seems hasn't been an easy life for you so far.

What I realized after I became an adult was that I grew up in a very dysfunctional environment that had set me up to be victimized. I could not change the past but I could change my thinking and my attitude by re-parenting myself. It is not easy but it is worth the journey.

Best of luck to you and you already know in your heart what you should do for you. Do not be afraid to be alone.....sometimes we need to be alone to find out who we are and decide who we want to be.
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 43
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 9:20:24 PM
Hi Rose,
You have asked a very good question on here. I know exactly where you are coming from because I was in the same boat as yourself. I think you are way ahead of the game if you focus on your studies and keep that good head on your shoulders.

The very fact that you asked this question here says that you are very mature for your age and perhaps you connect well with a man who is older than you are because of that as well.

I was with a man twenty years by senior for 15 years but it was when I was in my thirties that we met. It was an important and rewarding time for me because I was able to heal on many levels with regard to my past history with older males. I do not regret a moment.

You already know that this man whom you love is in need of some support but for you right now you must think about supporting yourself. If he is wise and if he deserves your love then he will understand this and not demand anything of you that is more than you taking care of your life and putting your education and health first.

You are a beautiful young woman with a good head on her shoulders. That head should get you to a good (female) therapist. I wish you all the best and am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 44
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Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 9:46:05 PM
rosedamsel, what a doll you seem to be! As an "overwhelmed mother" of three daughters, I can say that I feel for you. My advice: a bit of counseling never hurt ANYONE, and two, I don't think this is necessarily the place for you. All the best!
Joined: 2/19/2007
Msg: 45
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Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 10:15:04 PM
I haven't read the rest of the replies, but why would you be interested in a man old enough to be your Father? Besides the fact that he has a kid.
Are there no men in your area who are at the very least only 15 yrs older than you.

After 3 yrs being divorced you're not the rebound, you're just the first girl, not woman he's gone out with.

Seriously, going to bed with someone old enough to be your Father makes me want to gag.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 46
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Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 10:49:01 PM
Are you sure he doesn't want you as a nanny for his kids? I have big reservations about a 38 year old man thinking of a teenager as a wife & mother, he's nuts and you are way too young to be dragged down by whatever he's got in mind. Seriously, you are too young, have fun, date more appropriate guys and don't waste your youth on someone who probably has some major issues. And in 4 months you love him, too little time, too much unknown.
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 47
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 10:54:44 PM
if you are in love with him, take the risk. I was hurt terribly early this year and I am still putting myself out there, because if you don't, you may miss something great :) And after 3 years, I don't think you would be a rebound to him. 3 years is a long time!
Joined: 9/21/2009
Msg: 48
Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 10:56:20 PM
Ooops, I didn't read everything before I posted...he's so much older than you. I am 20, and I don't think I could take on a man that much older AND a child. My ex was 5 years older and had a 3 year old daughter and that was a lot to handle, even though I loved her dearly!
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 49
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Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/23/2009 11:10:05 PM
you said that you suspect he wants you as a cure to his loneliness and to raise his child.

and you said is is TWICE as old as you are.

those are some very good reasons to get the heck out while the gettin is good!

Youre smart to reconsider these serious issues before getting blinded by all the dreams.

CREATE your own dreams. DREAM your dreams. youre only 18 ...give yourself time to LIVE your dreams. Dont get trapped in his 38 year old drama and baggage. ick.

 Write Time
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 50
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Can anyone give me advice?
Posted: 12/24/2009 12:04:00 AM
So, you love him, he loves you, treats you well and is really nice ...

What's the problem here that makes you consider breaking up?

If it's the age difference, then you just have to decide whether that's an insurmountable barrier. Your call; no one can make it for you.

If it's the rebound thing ... well, if you both love each other, then what's the issue?
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