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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Should love be reciprocated?      Home login  
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 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 89
Should love be reciprocated?Page 7 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
In an odd way, the most extreme of either end could be the most reciprocated, because however dysfunctional, both are getting their fill of what they need and want.

You can easily restate that to see that it is not so odd. If two people are in a relationship, they ARE getting what they need. When one or both no longer does, the relationship ends. ``Need'' here includes one's desire to be in a relationship. What is dysfunctional is determined by the consensus of society as a whole. If you were to go back 100 years, what was considered normal in a relationship then, would be considered dysfunctional today and vice-versa. If you want to see what people need, look at what they do, not what they say they need.


I'm in agreement with all that too (except for the bullshit comment), it's just that I wasn't talking about that aspect of it all.

Well, my comment wasn't directed at you, Igor, nor anyone in particular. It was directing it more toward the overall tone of the thread in which people were rattling off the idea of selflessness in which people conveniently forget they ARE getting something out giving, whether they realize it or not. The decision to get out of a relationship is often difficult because people forget that they are putting up with a lot of crap because they DO want something. When someone says, ``I don't know why I stayed with XXX because all I did was give selflessly,'' that person never really figured out what he/she was getting out of staying.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 90
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Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 6/1/2011 4:25:49 AM
"When we are dating the answer to that is simple, put up with nothing, but when you are in a relationship, with a person that is bipolar, you find your self in boiling water before you say enough"

Amusingly enough, that is EXACTLY what happened that brought me here to begin with. I MARRIED a woman who turned out to be bipolar, and spent twenty years learning the hard way, that there WAS no amount of therapy, tolerance, loving support, loyalty, or genuine belief in the traditions of "til death do us part," that could make it work. Bipolars in particular seem to constantly give the appearance of being on the mend, just about to properly appreciate you. They also can manage to persuade a person that the problem really isn't in THEM, it's in YOU. And since they sometimes SEEM to be 'reciprocating love,' you can end up trapped in that twilight-zone for a long time.

Maybe we can say that, for a real loving relationship to be a healthy and life affirming one, that real love needs to be flowing in both directions; and no amount of 'faking it' can replace the real thing, when it comes to love.

Oh, and I knew you weren't pointing at me in particular, Abelian, though I did feel a twitch when I realized I might have come off as more "flowers and pink" than I intended. From Outminds, and Cowgirls, and some other posts, it looks as though we could form a sub-group within POF, "Victims of Bipolar Nonsense." Interesting how many of us suffered the same way from them.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 91
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 6/1/2011 6:59:42 AM

`I don't know why I stayed with XXX because all I did was give selflessly,''


I would say that is the statement of the person playing victim. So Abelian, I know where you are coming from.


I MARRIED a woman who turned out to be bipolar, and spent twenty years learning the hard way, that there WAS no amount of therapy, tolerance, loving support, loyalty, or genuine belief in the traditions of "til death do us part," that could make it work.


I understand (NOW) this statement. The problem I had was that I am a fixer, if there's a problem, I fix it. I did that in my family as well, so when you are in a relationship with a person like that you go on fixing things, solving things, but when ever you turn it around and you need for them to do something, they drown in a glass of water, and then blame you for it.

Perhaps the most difficult part to understand is that you stay in the relationship, look at you Igor, 20 years. I don't know how many of those were trying to fix something and at what point you say enough.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 92
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Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 6/1/2011 8:39:36 AM
The vows of the Till death do us part is not just for physical 'ashes to ashes ,it is also for relationship/love......
If that person is no longer feeling warm,comfortable and at home with his/her S O,,,LOVE died she/he has to move on ....... In other words it is not meant to be to grow old with that person..
 UnixGrand
Joined: 5/9/2011
Msg: 93
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Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 6/1/2011 6:56:07 PM
You notice how things from other topics keep flowing into other topics. It starts to sound the same. MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR!
 _Leahcim_
Joined: 9/10/2012
Msg: 94
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 10/3/2012 12:20:55 PM
I think to me reciprocation is not an expectation but a gift. And it's totally mutual. Yes, I love because I want to be loved. And that feeds into itself. The problem is when we fall into simple expectation you also begin to expect. But if instead you give, you love, then it changes the mood of the relationship. It's like a tennis match, the only expectation is that the ball is going to come back into my court. But then it is my actions to send it back to you, for you to send it back to me. And I chose in which way I am going to send the ball back. "Love IS a decision." You choose to play, you choose to send the ball back, and you can chose also to stop the game.

Many relationships fail because they first had suck expectations that then the failed to reciprocate. And little by little they did less until the relationship died.

I think when you have too many expectations you get trampled down, because they may never be met. But for instance, me as a guy, I want and I desire romance in my relationship. Then every day I have to make the effort to kiss my woman. To tell you how much you mean to me. And fill your spirit with joy. If I do not do that, how can I expect to get joy back? It starts with me. It is an act of leadership. But if I do, I do not expect anything in return but for you to feel YOUR joy and to reciprocate not my expectation but what is pure and simple YOU. You may be touchy touchy, you may not. You may have forgotten how to do that. But I would do it never the less, first expecting nothing, until the you begin to reveal yourself, your sense of comfort. YOu may be kissy, kissy, you may not. But the ambiance for love is there. And when you get back from work I offer a massage. Or a talk about the day. Or share an intimate moment. And you say silly things. "Like I was thinking of you." "The thought of you made me wet." I believe if two people are active in this they will go out of their ways to please each other, to think about each other, to want each other with lustful desire. YOu ACTIVELY think what to wear to turn me on. I actively think of ideas that will make you feel more special, more sexy, more desired. I will actively think of things that are FUN, filled with laughter, giddiness and joy.

Yes we can give and give and when we don't get it back so we give up. But I think you have to try. I personally do not believe that the Honey moon Stage should end, ever. That to me is hogwash, and then when you have the other, "let's pull out the remote, honey get me a beer, and let's watch some football." No way Jose. Again, love is a verb. And active verb. It has to be done. A man has to hell his woman, "Babe, you look awesome today." "I desire you today." "I want to make love to you today." "Let' get out of the house and see a play. A movie. Look, this restaurant has a great review. Let's go, let's be impressed."

And if she is too tired, too stressed, too not in the mood. He tries to understand. He still comforts her and makes her feel special.

Back in the days when I had season tickets to the ballet there was this elderly couple that sat next to me. Eventually they became friends and we sometimes hit the same restaurants before or after the show. They were giddy with love. They uzzed sensuality and love.

Also, love to me is understanding what this person is and should be your best friend. That I can talk the most intimate of things with you. So why not be inside your mind as well. But helping you, reassuring you, pushing you in a positive way. Yet letting you make mistakes because everything is a learning process. When my thought can penetrate your thoughts you begin to understand each other, and that to me is love. So then you can do the next thing about the other and that is anticipate what the other one needs. I can look at your face and realize that you need my hand over your eyebrows and massage the tensions of the day away. And you can anticipate how my day was, and give me a neck massage. Okay, it's not all about massages, but that is the metaphor that I am using. Some times is just cuddling and touching each other, sharing heat, the pulse of each others hearts, the breathing over each other's necks, feeling the little hair on the nape fluter with each gasp.

That to me is love.

Now the question to you, should we expect reciprocation? What happens when one or the other partner does not get that reciprocation? Your thoughts.


I know this is an old thread, but this topic has been on my mind lately, and a bit of an issue in past relationships since being divorced. I enjoy doing for my lady; cooking dinner, having coffee ready in a mug when she is ready to leave in the morning, initiating affection. If she had a rough day, maybe rubbing her feet, her shoulders, etc. Nothing really over the top, just being thoughtful and caring. They say do for others without the expectation of anything in return. I understand this. but when building, or being in a relationship, I agree with Outmind; there is some expectation of reciprocation of love and affection. Maybe not by your own methods, but their own.

Call them 'guarded', or 'jaded', or whatever label you prefer, the few women I have chosen to date seem very apprehensive to engage. An impression of disinterest sets in, due to their lackluster attempt to reciprocate. This in itself, is why distance, and inevitable dissolution of my relationships have occurred.

I have discussed this with 3rd parties that we socialize with, one that could provide constructive criticism before bringing up the subject with said SO, and nothing negative is mentioned. Maybe I expect to much? Not sure. I'm not that hard to please, so I lean more towards not on that issue.

I know the first thoughts that will come to some will be "pvssy whooped", "wuss", "needy", "overbearing", etc. "No wonder they don't last". I assure you, that is the farthest from the truth in describing my actions. Oh well, just venting a bit.

"I love because I want to be loved!" -Outmind
 providence2006
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 95
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 10/3/2012 4:22:02 PM

Also, love to me is understanding what this person is and should be your best friend. That I can talk the most intimate of things with you. So why not be inside your mind as well. But helping you, reassuring you, pushing you in a positive way. Yet letting you make mistakes because everything is a learning process. When my thought can penetrate your thoughts you begin to understand each other, and that to me is love. So then you can do the next thing about the other and that is anticipate what the other one needs. I can look at your face and realize that you need my hand over your eyebrows and massage the tensions of the day away. And you can anticipate how my day was, and give me a neck massage. Okay, it's not all about massages, but that is the metaphor that I am using. Some times is just cuddling and touching each other, sharing heat, the pulse of each others hearts, the breathing over each other's necks, feeling the little hair on the nape fluter with each gasp.


Would you marry me? :)
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 96
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 10/3/2012 6:01:23 PM

Many relationships fail because they first had suck expectations that then the failed to reciprocate. And little by little they did less until the relationship died.


Im pretty sure that answers your initial question.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 97
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Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 10/3/2012 8:13:08 PM

Now my question to you,should we expect reciprocation ? what happens when one or the other partner doesn't get reciprocation ? Your thoughts.


Love energy is give and take, in other word it is attachment and bonding with each other... If a partner takes you for granted and expect you to always pleasing her/him it will eventualy drain your love/care to that person.
 dhaircutta
Joined: 9/20/2008
Msg: 98
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:26:56 AM
love is not what you feel about the other person. its how that person makes you feel about yourself..you feel bad? abandoned. neglectes, used,
 dhaircutta
Joined: 9/20/2008
Msg: 99
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:28:45 AM
wow, VANNILI thank you.. insightful ABOUT WHEN LOVE DIES. TILL DEATH DO US PART
WHEN PSYCHO HAPPENS, I CALL IT PASSION. WHY ARE THE PSYCHO ONES BETTER IN BED...HMMMM
 2purehearts
Joined: 9/3/2010
Msg: 100
Should love be reciprocated?
Posted: 10/10/2012 4:33:35 PM
Wow, OUTMIND, your initial post is truly beautifully written.

I've dated alot...in that time I've experienced many diff facets of care, etc...I agree with you...when you love should it be reciprocated?

I'm in a relationship..who has given me ALL of what I need/want in a relationship...yet he is reluctant to say I love you..has may be 3 times..but not full out on it's own accord ...I am crazy about you...i can't wait to be with you...la lala..whereas I have adn feel ya...if we spend so much time, we equally have good feelings about one another..why isn't it coming up more uhmm...shall I say romantically? Does that mean I am expecting too much? ALL the posts here have diff ways at looking at this pov.

I wonder.

If I am happy to say I love you...and he doesn't not necessarily shout it out..is it health to want reciprocity?

Cheers to all...OUTMIND ..I hope you are in a good way now.

:)
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