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Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 10
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Teaching Boys how to treat womenPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
You could probably blame someone like my ex ... I know my son got pretty disgusted with his father from time to time.

I was influential in his life until he was about 14 years old and then his father convinced a judge that he would be better off with his father.

A couple of years later, he called to tell me that he was really disgusted with his father's behavior. I had no idea what he could mean by that and then he told me that his father would go out with a woman and then come home and b1tch and gripe about it if he wasn't able to get her in bed. He quoted him once as saying, "Geez ... I buy her dinner and drinks and she still won't 'put out'. What's it take to get a woman to do it?"

My son told me it made him sick to hear that.

I obviously let my ex know that I found his behavior despicable and asked him to keep his frustrations with his "woman friends" to himself ... for the sake of his son. My ex told me it was none of my business. I told him that teaching our son inappropriate behavior is my business and should be his as well.

By the time my son was graduating from high school I guess my ex was bedding several women weekly and none knew about the others. I laughed my azz off once when my son called to tell me that he had set his father up.

From what I recall, his father was back in the bedroom with one of his "lady friends" and another one called on the phone to speak with him. My son told her that his father was in the shower and for her to go ahead and come on over. He said he was sure his father would be glad to see her.

I thought he was talking about something he had done a few weeks earlier and so I asked him how it turned out and he said, "We'll find out here in a couple of minutes." OMG ... it was hilarious. A few minutes later I heard his father yelling at him and the women sounded like they were having some sort of cat fight.

At some point his father asked him who was on the phone and he said, "Mom!" Next thing I knew, the phone went dead.

I knew I had impressed him well with appropriate behavior because after my son passed away ... several of his young lady friends let me know what a gentleman my son always was with them ... treated them with respect. That does a mother's heart good.
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 12
Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 12/24/2009 6:50:43 PM
If it had been legal I would have hit him upside the head. I however did have very choice words about his disrespecting her like that.

As a parent of two daughters I can relate to your emotional reaction. Hitting someone upside the head...c'mon not going to teach anyone anything. Even your choice affect.

I can't say I can relate to your particular situation, but the only thing you can teach is your nieces about not accepting being disrespected. It's different because it was a different situation, you weren't the parent, but you were in a position of being the parent for a limited amount of time.

Here's what I've learned, and don't think it's sage wisdom, it's just experiential knowledge.

The one thing I did feel important above all else is that we're all human and make mistakes. My children were there and I made some mistakes myself, trusted when in hindsight it wasn't a good decision but....hindsight it always 20/20. They grew up with me as a single parent and going through those experiences, which are not unlike what many go through.

Thing is that I was honest, and kept it out in the open to where they could talk to me about how they were mad about that and it hurt them, too. It's hard for children to see their parents hurting. Okay, so we talked about it, and I do remember one pizzed off angry conversation with one of my daughters saying why do you always date ***holes, mom? Yeah...well no I confronted and dealt with it, because I told her that it's not that you know they're ***holes when you start dating them, but after a period of time you find out. She was 16, but I kept the lines of communication open, so when she dated her first ***hole, she felt comfortable to come to ME and talk about it. I understood, she apologized for what she had said to me, we cried and hugged and she understood.

Thing is now every man I've dated has been an azzhole, doesn't mean the relationship worked out. It's been an experience that I shared with my children, male and female and kept it to where it's something they can come to me and talk about.

It's been a bonding experience, they talk to me because they know, first off that I won't judge, or make them feel bad. Thing is they DO come to me, they DO talk to me...and that's the only thing I want. And we do talk straight, I don't say little precious baby, I do tell them what they may have done or said...I don't cut them slack, it's learning for them to own their responsibility. And they do appreciate that. And they do the same for me, my kids are a barometer, I talk to them because they know me, and they don't cut me any sugarcoating or slack. They give it to me straight.

That's a healthy relationship.

OP, you're too hung up on "teaching" when you're in a learning mode yourself. Trust me if you could TALK to your nieces, and they were comfortable enough to talk to you about things they're feeling vulnerable about, you'd both benefit. You don't teach, you share experiences and both learn from each other, and if you're very fortunate, you support and encourage and don't judge and create the distance.

You can teach your nieces, they'll teach you too. If you're not open to that, then you're missing something precious. You can't teach boys anything...ehh I don't even thinking I'm speaking in your realm of acceptance.

Before you set yourself out to be to the "role model", it's most likely your delusion. Understanding starts with self, role model is a very accountable position. I don't think you're there, myself.

You have to deal with your personal anger issues, someone I'll assume male, really pizzed you off severely and you're sublimating that on your nieces. Crap hon, fat and sassy...your username...don't you GET THAT? It screams...anger, rejection, abandoment...look to yourself first, don't foster your own issues on anyone else.
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 16
Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 12/24/2009 7:43:26 PM
Coupla things:

1. Girls get to wear what they want to wear, if it's legal and their Mama says they can.

2. Boys/men/other girls/women do not get to make uncalled for crass remarks to anyone, for any reason.

3. Boys will be boys, until they become men. Owning their actions and words helps them become men who treat others--not just women--with respect, because they respect themselves.

4. We do teach others how to treat us--sometimes just asking, "What did you mean by that remark?" is enough to cause someone to reflect on what they said. Usually, they end up saying, "Sorry".

As others have said, talk to the children in your life. Be the example you want them to become, because they will learn what they see you do.
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 17
Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:10:24 PM
We were at a church function, my niece was dressed in proper attire. The boy was a guest of another church member. My sister, myself, and my mother (who they live with) do not allow the clothes that show a lot of skin. Even swim suits have to be a one piece. The kind of music they listen to cannot have bad language.
We monitor their myspace pages and who they accept as friends on it. The said boy is simply a punk,

You're not have a problem of a severe disconnect. Your niece won't relate or can't talk to you about anything much less relate. Every post on this thread is about Your niece when you talk is blah blah blah...if it were me, I'd do the same, I'd give the gesture..."talk to the hand".

You're're not relating. She's doing what I'd do which is tuning you out. A church funtion, "proper attire"...that's you talking. Is that where she wanted to be or what she wanted to wear? You're a controlling bytch! Shame on you, do you not understand Christianity or Scripture? You are not GOD to your niece but you're playing the part. As if, shame on you! Shame shame should be embarrasssed. Are you that ingorant of's rhetorical...if you don't know what that means, look it up.

You're not GOD to her, not even a passable role model. You're a control freak....your niece's life isn't yours. And sad...I'm not crying, but you've missed the precious and so sweet opportunity that you had and abused of being a learning experience and as a family member (GAG...thank GOD not my family!) of being understanding, compassionate, supportive and encouraging. If you are a christian...look it up, that's what you should have done. Christian is defined as "christ like" how do you stack up to that. I know if that's what I was trusting in, I'd never even say I was a Christian. I wouldn't to be associated with you. Ever.

Oh...well big surprise you don't have children. That's something I can thank God for!/
"Fat chick in Garland" I know a lot of people that live very close...I'm sure they're all so proud. You're so much more transparent than you realize. I'm not fat and not proud. Noone else is either...
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 18
Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 12/24/2009 8:26:45 PM

You're a controlling bytch! Shame on you, do you not understand Christianity or Scripture? You are not GOD to your niece but you're playing the part. As if, shame on you! Shame shame should be embarrasssed. Are you that ingorant of's rhetorical...if you don't know what that means, look it up.

Damn--that is one ugly response.

That is way over the 'harsh' limit.

A 'control freak'? 'Bytch'? Really?
From the little we've read here, the OP sounds like a concerned parent--a role she stepped into when her sister abdicated it for a life of drugs. It also sounds like she has a strong relationship with her nieces. She wasn't concerned about how the girls were dressed, but how the boy behaved.

Christian? Again--Really?
Beating the crap out of someone with scripture is precisely what Christ did NOT ask His followers to do, and if shame is to be passed around, then grab the platter.

What a hurtful, ugly, unnecessary post.
Merry Frickin' Christmas.
 Double Cabin
Joined: 11/29/2004
Msg: 20
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Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 12/24/2009 10:56:34 PM
Trying to be constructive here, please try and take this productively and shelve any kind of a vindictive attitude .

You saw and heard this 16 year old boy say these things in church? She didn't pass along what he purportedly said to you? You KNOW what he said actually came from a place of disrespect and not just out of the everyday, coloquial adolescent vernacular? You KNOW it wasn't sarcasm? What did his parents say about this when you confronted them? You did do that, right?

As to Bucs post: When I went to college I met several people that grew up in repressive religous households. When they finally were able to indulge in external stimuli several of them sadly drowned in it and sunk deep into alcoholism, drug abuse, and promiscuity. As combative as you see Bucs post much of it was exactly what you needed to hear IMHO. The fact you say you laughed at it indicates you are in one form or another of denial and are indeed trying to be as self serving as you possibly can. With all due respect this is no laughing matter.
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 21
Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 12/24/2009 11:16:45 PM
This is the topic of the thread:

If you are raising teenagers especially girls, have you encountered this problem (of disrespect toward girls) as well? How do you handle it?

We know how the OP handled the situation with her nieces; her question to the rest of us is: How would WE handle it?

Regardless of how anyone here thinks that the OP should/could have handled things, the question is, what 'YOU' would do.
So, the lectures about what a rotten example the OP is are out of line, and the comments about 'hookers' don't actually factor into her question. I know, I know--'but they dress like hookers!'
Having never encountered a hooker, I'll have to take your word on that.

Even if the girl WAS a hooker, is it okay for a boy to speak to ANYONE like that?
How do you address the boy's attitude and actions?

edit: the hooker thing--I worked with a 14-year old who was arrested for prostitution--she dressed like the other girls at the high school--and, to my knowledge, no one spoke to her like the boy in the OP--she'd have put her size 9 boot high, hard, and sideways, if they had.
 Jan Sobieski
Joined: 7/4/2008
Msg: 22
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Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 12/25/2009 2:59:35 AM
Pah!!! You KNOW Ya'll get off being compared to hookers, the fantasy of every man!!!

Yawl act like you have memories and "friends", but you AIN'T ALL DAT!

Yawl just HOOKERS! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Merry Christmas!!!
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 26
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Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 12/25/2009 8:24:57 AM
You teach others how how to treat you. How the girls respond to boys is what will define them. Boys will always act the same way, that'why they are boys. It's up to how the girls choose to react.

That's true ,you teach others to treat you. In the animal kingdom,these creatures treat each other according to their kind of species ,"territorial and survival of the fittest".
In humanity, from all kind of walks of life,they treat each other in civility, because it is our heritage to treat others with respect and dignity.
A boy learned from his father how to treat a woman. This is an example

Once I was at a nightclub with some ladies friends, This older man in his 50 + from another table want to dance with me , in my days it is called "slow drag" dance in a romantic music ,and he was calling me like a dog with no name psst-ing me, I ignored him, he did not stop until my it annoyed my friends, ``friend said> "that man is calling you",'' me > yes I know that, if HE want something from me ,he be the one to come to me". Then this young guy wants to dance with his girlfriend, (old enough to drink beer )I know that they are BF&GF because they are kissing, but this girl don't want to dance with that kind of music, so this boy approached me and said Ma'm May I have this dance? I replied,~ I am honored, ~the dance is like a simple waltz, and after the dance ,he lead me to my chair and thank me. I think it is a cultural matter how a boy treat a woman. my 2 cent, Vannili
Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 27
Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 10/26/2012 10:45:30 PM
Oh, that's a balanced and rational way to treat your own child. lol. Jesus.

Anyway, it's one girl. You do not know that girl. But, you should know your son. You should show your own flesh and blood a little more respect than that.
Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 28
Teaching Boys how to treat women
Posted: 10/26/2012 10:49:45 PM
Really? It's wrong to teach our sons and daughters, how and when to defend themselves?

Bullying is bad, yes. Duh. But, when you don't address the issue constructively, instead, you're saying, "No, no, no," that does hurt their development as confident and mature people.

To tell a child to act on their impulse, for good causes and show them how... is much better, than saying, "No, no, no. You must repress those urges."
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