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 KarmicEvolution
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 7
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Blended Interracial ParentingPage 2 of 2    (1, 2)

Not really that hard to do actually....I take my kids to Jamaica day at the park and any event that is family friendly. They are exposed to the music, the food and unfortunately some aromatic ummmm things as well. Aside from that, I have friends who are Jamaican as well so they are exposed when we all get together and talk about such things. Culture is something you can also read up on, educate yourself so you can share it with your kids. No, it doesn't replace the parent who shares that cultural background but it is better than nothing at all. The Jamaican culture, at least where I live, is very open to people regardless of their own heritage. I noticed when I started to attend events organized by the Jamaican community where I live that there are people of all races and ages in attendance. Kids will seek out the groups with whom they feel most comfortable with anyway and skin colour aside, does it really matter if they gravitate towards people of the same ethnic background or not? I didn't and I believe I am a more rounded person as a result.


Ive taken little steps (Artwork around the house, music, cultural festivals) but at 15mths she is still a bit young to do much more. My mother happens to love Jamaican food so she also has that lol
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 8
Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 12/29/2009 6:45:47 PM
I dont think it all matters, as long as their is love.
My kids dont look like me.
Im a chubby redhead, my daughter is blonde and skinny,
my son has a deep latino/italian tan like his father, but has very asian loking eyes, as i have Chinese in my heritage, though i dont really look it, but my son picked up the asian genepool in my ancestral tree, i am often asked "where did i adopt my kids from"?

Ummm...adopted em from their daddies nutsacks (never said that but have been sorely tempted to)
 SweetnessInFlorida
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 9
Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 12/29/2009 7:44:51 PM
^^^ I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 10
Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 1/1/2010 6:29:03 AM
Thank you for the responses. Lol, I’m afraid to read my own threads! A few I’ve started have been met with very critical response - and it seems to tad easier to read and respond than to start one (those that manage not to get deleted at least). I’m still a little reluctant and haven’t read all the responses here, but eventually I will.

So anyways, I don’t like white people. I don’t like to say that in the presence of very seemingly warm, understanding and wonderful people I’ve had the pleasure of reading on this part of the board and elsewhere – but it’s true. My impression of whites is shaped by history, the present, and the ignorance, bigots and bigotry I read and hear everyday. So ofcourse I might have given over some of my own prejudices about them to my children, so how might one relate to that as a stepparent on either side? If you have been in an IR (interracial relationship), you may understand this from the responses or the subtle reluctance you have gotten to your relationship and your children. Mine is not one of outright aggression or hate, but more distrust and the thinking that whites are always in denial and have a very willful lack of complete understanding about race, oppression, and disenfranchisement, and other issues.

Nonetheless, in the course of seeking and finding love with the ‘right’ person, I do understand and accept that can come in a package of something other than a person who shares my race – and white is the most probable since that is the group I am 2nd most interacting with. I have not been in a relationship with a white person and I can’t imagine race not being an issue in a relationship when it’s an issue for me overall and in everyday life such as I mentioned in the first post – about getting my teen out of jail due to curfew and trespassing (true story) and bearing in mind the relationship between blacks and justice/legal system (because just about every black person has told or relayed to their children the inequalities of the justice system regards to their race). Or the fact that I am indeed proud to have a ‘first African American president’ (with a black family in tow) because I am black – and how it pisses off the bigots because of the obvious[/I] racial bias they feel aren’t allowed to display.
Seems like this would make an IR complicated – or I would make it complicated for them.

I am beginning to understand a little – with the help of some very intelligent and bright people in this forum mainly, and a few elsewhere in the real world (including a very proud and confident black woman engaged to a kind and understanding white man), that you may be able to be in an IR relationship where race matters little or not at all [I]in that personal relationship.
I didn’t understand that at first, and when people said ‘race doesn’t matter in our relationship’ – I thought they were in denial, seeing things through rose colored glasses, and forcing race not to exist by ignoring it and its problems as much as possible – because that is actually what people seem to do. But with an honest, understanding, and open person on both sides, I get it. Maybe not completely because I’m always learning, but I get it.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say ‘thank you’ off the top of my head to Sallieinthesoul and Ismene2. That is not an ass-kissing comment or an attempt to single anyone out with undue praise to get something in return or make others feel devalued – but I think I’ve read and had enough extensive debate with these two to feel they are genuine and true and that taught me a little something. They have neither denied race or it’s repercussions. They tend to comprehend, explain, and not be intimidated by racial discussions or feel that it belittles them and their own race. They are confident in their own skin and race and yet still somehow manage to transcend race or be above it without disdain or condescension of anyone else because of it. Apparently that is not an easy feat. I read threads in the ‘Off Topic’ forum and many wish to do that or be that way – transcend race and the issues surrounding it – but they do it by being in denial and trying to ignore or trivialize race or anything pertaining to it. Any discussion of race or things seen as ‘black oriented’ (including our ‘labels’ as black or African American) threatens to erode their fragile sense of utopian humanity where race and its issues cease to exist. That’s offensive and very condescending and greatly contributes to my dislike.

I am not this way – racially transcending. Not sure if I even want to be. I have too much distrust, some disdain, and apprehension about races outside my own. But I lend myself over to love in whatever racial form, and I wonder what my unique or unifying experiences with that will be for me and my children?
 lynaudio
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 11
Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 1/1/2010 12:07:34 PM
Thank you TAKEN_itsallinthesoul.

After having read the OP’s latest post, I was not sure how to react. To be disliked for the color of my skin, is something I have no experience with.


thinking that whites are always in denial and have a very willful lack of complete understanding about race, oppression, and disenfranchisement, and other issues.

I suppose I feel lumped into that demographic because I made no mention of my personal experiences.
But…..
I have dated men of color, was engaged to a Native American, and am so close to a family from China that I consider them as family. I didn’t think it was worth mentioning because, I agree

if nothing changes, nothing changes Kat. Raising your children to not like white people is going to perpetuate the problem that exists in society in the exact same way that a clan member endoctrinates their children perpetuates racism

Once a law is passed, that discrimination is not acceptable to society, our responsibility as individuals is to accept that. To be sure it takes time for some, but ground is made more quickly if our arguments against a discriminator are based on the equal treatment of everyone, rather than screaming discrimination, which I think draws attention to the idea that some people still see justification for inequality.
Example;
If I, as a woman were to fight for a job, by stating that I was denied due to my gender, I am just whining. I would much rather point out how I am better qualified. Otherwise I am reinforcing the premise that gender inequality still exists.
Anyhoot, here’s hopin’ the new decade sees more progress. Happy 2010!!!
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 12
Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 1/2/2010 9:12:38 AM

If I was to post that I didn't like black people on a forum on POF, I'd get called a racist.

Funny how things can get so turned around in this world.

If you lump all white people together, or brown people, or black people, you don't deserve advice or input because quite frankly you are a racist and that's no longer acceptable.
If you tell me you don't like black people or me because I'm black, I'm cool with that. You have a 'right' to dislike anybody you want for any given reason. But never in my posts do I degrade white people. Have defended them in several of my posts and usually treat whatever they write with fairly and with respect if that is what is given to me. In many people where white racist show their heads, it does exactly that - degrade black people with comments, stereotypes, and statistics. Ofcourse you will say 'you're just defending or justifying your 'right' to be racist' but whatever. Some of you are so focused on 'reverse racism' that you can't act on your own or other instances of racism or prejudice because of your myopic reasoning that none of it must exist.

So if makes you feel any better, go ahead and say 'hey guess what? I don't like black people' and have at it. It may be a fair comment to what I have already said.

and for the record, I don't 'teach' my kids racism and prejudice. I teach them about life and how we are often seen and treated in this world - which includes racism and prejudice. Some they experience for themselves and then ask me about it. There is a difference. If you have mixed children who look more black and are treated differently because of it - then you too will teach and share with them the ways of the world - and that includes people responding to them with prejudice and racism. My children may be able to 'transcend' race better than I tho. They like and trust any person that is kind to them, regardless of race or culture. I treat most people, especially non-blacks, with reserve until I know otherwise.
Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 1/2/2010 3:47:17 PM
Greeneyed Misfit YOU said:
A racist sure won't get their perceptions altered by a forum on Plenty of Fish at least in my mind. But if you believe these forums hold any real weight in the "real" world, go for it. Myself I've learned that racism is something learned and quite frankly, its not something that can be rationally discussed. It's built in, hard wired if you must. Think of the KKK as well. Do you think you could have had a rational conversation about racism with a KKK clan member?

I was raised in the South by KKK Members...as a matter of fact my Maternal Grandfather was a "Grand Wizard" in the Chattanooga, Tenn Chapter of the KKK.
So now tell me...Because I was raised by them and I am supposedly "hard wired (as you put it) am I a racist????
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 14
Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 1/2/2010 4:03:15 PM
Just had to share what just happened....a fellow POFer who I guess read this thread decided that it was necessary to send me an e-mail essentially telling me I was nasty for dating outside of my race. Thought y'all would find it amusing....
Interesting and amusing indeed.

And I'm willing to bet that person was white. That and some other things makes me think I am quite justified for the feelings I have, but others will say the same. Sounds like a circular trap so I'll leave it.

Btw - I know I called you out personally but I didn't do that with the intention that you would or should respond.

Generally speaking...
I'm always open disgusting anything I have said on this board and seeing another's point of view, one reason I brought up thread. I wanted to discuss things that included white males trying to raise black teenage males who bio father and father figures are have been black - and what were the challenges of that.

Or white females step-parenting black girls who father's are no longer with their black moms. Would his reason for dating a white women be questioned by his black daughters? Would they resent her? Would they feel he can't appreciate them as black women since he is now dating outside the race?

This is more of less the type and kind of experience I was looking for - not that I don't appreciate the other responses. I was just noting the direction I saw for this thread. Maybe there aren't enough people posting who have been in those situations to share. I remember on another board a white man posted asking for suggestions in raising his 6 year old black stepson. He was having issues discipline the child - which may be a general delimma of step-parenting but he was wondering if race had made the situation as little more complicated since his bio-dad (black) had been with the moms and in the child's life for least 4 or 5 years before she got with and met him. The focus on me not liking anyone loses the focus on this thread. I said that for reference, not to be sore point of this thread.

And hot dam, I get blasted on all the time for for being fat, black, and poor - and how many times have they degraded on this forum? A helluva lot. People posting that they don't like me with the degrading me (or any like grip I fit) - I'd like to see that but I don't think its happening.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15
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Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 1/3/2010 1:26:26 AM
After having read the OP’s latest post, I was not sure how to react. To be disliked for the color of my skin, is something I have no experience with.

I do, I have worked in municipal government and experienced on numerous occasions, my smile or hello to another employee ignored specifically because I was white, having someone look through you as if you were invisible is not a pleasant experience. I also realize that my experience with this is miniscule in comparison to what a person of color experiences on any given day, no matter how successful, etc. people remain defined by the color of their skin.

My first husband was black, race was never an issue in our relationship because you learn to ignore the stares and recognize that if someone is the type of person to not even bother to find out who you are because of who you are married to, they aren't the quality of person you want in your life anyway. I about died laughing one day, I was sitting at a bar with my god-daughter's father, a very huge very dark black man. This old white butthead at the end of the bar was staring daggers through us and we were just about off the stools because he made such an idiot of himself with his behavior when we weren't even an item, lol. My ex experienced his fare share of discrimination in many if not most areas of his life but he never behaved like a victim, didn't blame anything on race even when clearly that was where it was coming from. He couldn't explain to me why people that are upset about how their race has been treated historically and what people continue to experience in contemporary society can then turn around and dislike someone they do not know for the same thing that has hurt them.

My second husband was Mexican-American and race was a continual issue in our relationship because he pretty much hates white people, which we find odd, given that he chose to marry one. He hasn't really experienced discriminatory treatment since he was a child and yet his ethnicity colors every thing he thinks and does. If a clerk at a store looks at him sideways, he thinks it is because he is Mexican when he is actually fairly pale in complexion and half the people he encounters do not have a clue he is Hispanic unless they hear his name. My kids have been charmed by long rants about how the whites are screwing the blacks and the Mexicans....Yannow, you have no college education and you make nearly six figures so how exactly is whitey keeping you down? Everyone in his family espouses an entitlement attitude which I also do not understand. I am well aware that I have had advantages all of my life related to the color of my skin and yet I have also worked my ass off all of my life, as did my parents, and have never been handed anything. It is infuriating that even when my daughter has told him that his comments are hurtful because she is half white and half her family is white, he doesn't care. Now, this is his biological child and to be honest in many ways, the men I have dated have had more care for how their behavior would affect my children than their own father.

Thankfully, they have only been influenced by his hatred to the degree that it reinforces how they don't want to be. More than ten years ago now, I went to the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis. Anyone that has not been and has the opportunity to see it should. The first time I went through the museum I was with my ex, without the kids. I was like whoohoo, museum without kids, I can actually stop and read things without worrying about them tearing the place up or becoming impatient and difficult and yet he seemed to be racing through the museum, so I wound up going through more quickly than I would have liked. When I asked him later why, he told me as we approached the museum, a woman had looked at me and said, 'what is SHE doing here?' I couldn't help thinking that if she had that attitude she had missed the whole point of Martin Luther King, Jr. as well as the museum.

I grew up in white bread suburban Chicago and was born in the mid 60s. But when I was in the 4th grade we did the brown eyes/blue eyes experiment and even knowing what the experiment was trying to accomplish, it still hurt like hell the day everyone treated me badly because of the color of my eyes. A few years later at music camp I met a boy who made constant references to being a zebra. I was so sheltered at the time it took me a while to figure out what he was talking about and I thought his life must be very painful for him to talk about it the way he did with strangers. About a year after that, my roommate and I were the only white girls on an offshoot of the dorm, and the only girl that would speak to us or even acknowledge our existence was the gal that had been in the orchestra with me the year before. It was a hurtful two weeks, again, only a tiny taste of what it is like to walk in another's shoes and I have spent my entire life trying to make sure that I never made anyone else feel the way I felt. I can't undo the past and I cannot right the wrongs of other people.

I can't walk in your shoes OP but it is important that we teach our children about the history of racial issues in this country, how much things have changed and how much they need to continue to change. I gave a talk when my daughter was in 4th grade when I discovered that despite Black History Month every year since kindergarten, these kids were soooo woefully ignorant, a rumor circulating that umpteen people were shot the day that MLK jr was assassinated. I think I was doing research for the 2nd or 3rd time on the CRM when it really sunk in that the Montgomery bus boycott lasted a year, an entire year, these people walked, lost jobs and otherwise were willing to risk bodily harm to force change when most kids today don't have the gumption to walk around the block once. I think it is important to make sure kids watch movies because the day after I talked to the kids we watched Remember the Titans, and it wasn't until they saw how people were treated during that era, that it really sank in just how incredibly wrong segregation, discrimination and prejudice are. One of the powerful things about the museum is that in addition to written information, photographs and footage, the artifacts, a bus, a lunch counter, white only signs, make it impossible for what happened to be academic and something that contemporary Americans are removed from.

My daughter came into the room during the most violent part of the movie that HBO I think did on Rosewood and my first instinct as she was 8, was to send her out of the room but then I thought, this happened, she needs to know about it. So I let her watch, and then we had a long talk about what happened from that point in history but also the civil rights era, and that was when she started bugging me to take her to the museum. I have taken them twice and we are due to go back as the 10-year-old was almost young enough to still be in a stroller I think the last time we went. I was quite mortified several years ago when I read what white preachers during that era had written about MLK jr. when he was in the Birmingham Jail, the language that was used was so disrespectful and condescending in tone it was incredible to read. I don't know what the answer is besides teaching our children that everybody is pretty much the same underneath, but it seems illogical if nothing else to think that problems caused by hatred and fear are going to be helped by more hatred and fear. On one of the return trips, I was talking to one of the docents, mentioned what happened on the previous trip, the comment made about me. She told me that many more white people tour the museum, which she has found kind of odd but if you choose to see it that way, is indicative of maybe more people that you realize not wanting to ignore the history or the legacy that remains.

And yannow, my kids friends are so diverse, it is really a pleasure to see. Different races, ethnicities, religions, all hanging out together and they take the time to learn about each other. With all of the blended families I have encountered, people that have adopted children of different races, I really don't think there are that many people that are freaking out about it. It wouldn't bother me at all to date someone whose children were a different race or ethnicity because the people inside are what's important and if someone wants to wonder where any of my kids came from biological or otherwise, I would care why?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 16
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Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 1/3/2010 1:13:15 PM
The weird thing about the states GM is that while segregation was based on legal statutes in the south, there has always been geographic segregation in the north. In many ways, blacks and whites lived closer together geographically in the south even during the height of segregation. When I was coming up, the vast majority of the suburbs were primarily white because those people that could afford to move out of the city did so. My mother grew up in an area that was largely populated by Czechs, Poles and Italians. Where I grew up, the families were probably more like 3rd or 4th generation so the ethnic heritage was not quite so obvious.

One of the things that is really pretty kewl about cities like Chicago and New York is that they still have the ethnic neighborhoods which allows people to experience the richness of other cultures but back when the big waves of immigrants were coming in, living in those neighborhoods wasn't the greatest experience on the planet.


With global migration, I meet people each day that are of a certain race, yet were raised in Africa or England or Canada. Their color is such a small part of who they are.

I think the issue lies predominantly in the US and probably in the Southern States. I do know that there are all black neighborhoods which here in Canada I don't think we have.. maybe in Toronto. Other than that, our neighborhoods are traditionally quite mixed. The one I live in has black, whites, Filipino, Chinese, Indian, and who knows what else.

Also very good points. My family tree has also become quite mixed. In addition to my kids, one of my cousins married a filipino woman and some of the other cousins as well married people with different backgrounds. It is really kind of funny, when we were with my ex's family, my kids were easy to spot because they were lighter than everyone else. When we visited my family, my kids were easy to spot because they were a tad darker than the other kids.

My older brother made a comment once that was kind of crude but also accurate, everybody should screw everybody else and then we would all look the same. With no differences life would be very boring but with fewer differences being seen as somehow a bad thing life would be infinitely better.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 17
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Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 1/3/2010 1:35:41 PM

Or white females step-parenting black girls who father's are no longer with their black moms. Would his reason for dating a white women be questioned by his black daughters? Would they resent her? Would they feel he can't appreciate them as black women since he is now dating outside the race?

I honestly don't even get how or why a child would think this because I guess to me, if the man has taught his children that people are people and we don't evaluate them based on color, his choice to date someone he cares about regardless of the color of her skin has absolutely no reflection on his children or his ex-wife because he didn't divorce his wife because she was black, he divorced his wife because they were incompatible.

If the children were led to believe that a current girlfriend was better than the mother because she is white, that would be a problem but I can't get my brain around anyone doing that or feeling that way. It's kind of like my ex, he can hate white people every day, but does he have to continue making stupid ignorant comments around his children, sigh.

There are good people and shitheads of all colors and cultural background.

Unless you totally isolate children from their family and friends, they will still have same gender role models of their own race. I would have a great deal to learn about hair care if I wound up step-parenting someone that was black but otherwise, I suspect that we would learn about the kid(s) and the kid(s) would learn about us, just like I did a hundred years ago when I was in college, when my friends nearly died laughing at me. We went to wash the car one day and I asked what the deal was with the shower caps because I had no clue about geri curl.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Blended Interracial Parenting
Posted: 1/3/2010 4:41:30 PM

I am aware that within some black culture there is a class system of their own making and I have to wonder if this feeling is not a part of that class system. My son being light skinned wouldn't be black enough to fit in with those that are darker skinned. My SO and I have discussed this and for the life of me, I don't understand why that attitude should still prevail in this day.

My ex and I talked about this and this actually popped into my head earlier today when I was driving, that he knew many people that were "high yellow" and wouldn't date anyone darker than they were, not I think because they thought they were better than the other individual, or perhaps that was part of it for some, but because they simply weren't attracted to someone darker complected than they were.

Given your SO's comments about the attitudes going back to slavery, it is possible that there was resentment for those people that could pass for white, because obviously you either could or couldn't, and also because lighter skinned blacks were a constant reminder of many things including the inability of slaves to control who fathered the children.

One of the kids that goes to school with my older two and also attends our church says he has the best of both worlds. He acts and speaks "white" so he fits in readily with white people and as his father is African, he is dark enough to be obviously black so he fits in with blacks because of his looks. I don't think everybody has that experience.
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