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 AUTHOR
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 21
What to say after being dumped.Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
ARGH!
Lots of people do this, it is more than just annoying, it is one of the most hurtful things (I'm not talking the "we had one date" guys, I'm talking the "we were together for three months" ones).

What kills me is they almost ALWAYS try to contact me again. It must be the holidays--or they can smell I'm single again--because TWO just contacted me this week.

I just ignored their texts. I don't care any more.
 ~rain~
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 23
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What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 12/30/2009 12:07:43 AM
the immortal words of the great Burton Cummings....

Stand tall, don't you fall
For God's sake don't go and do something foolish
All you're feeling right now is silly human pride
Oooooh, Stand tall, don't you fall
Don't you do something you might regret later
You're feelin' it like everyone, it's silly human pride

 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 25
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 12/30/2009 12:27:09 PM
I think people should do what feels good for them...and not worry
about the feelings of the person that hurt them.
Not saying you should turn into a raving lunatic...but yeah...sometimes
just letting the person know they hurt you and made you feel like crap
is a good thing.
Not sure why we think treating hurtful people with kid gloves is keeping
OUR dignity intact?
I think telling someone in calm rational tones that their behavior was
unacceptable puts the onus on them to at least think about behaving
better the next time around with someone else.
I can look someone in the eye...call them an asshat and still feel my dignity
is intact...but maybe that's just my incredible powers of deduction.

 quinn24
Joined: 12/12/2009
Msg: 27
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What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 12/30/2009 6:03:43 PM
I know its hard but keep him at arms length and he will retun...
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 28
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What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 12/30/2009 9:45:54 PM
Surely you have better things to do than worry about guys who dont call. Put on your big girl panties, and go on with your life. Watch out, next time, and dont give more of yourself, than you are being given.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 30
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 12/31/2009 11:04:17 AM

Then I throw darts at his picture.

Those pics come in handy for shooting practice too.
I get to be a better shot and he gets to carry on his with his clueless existence. It's a win/win situation.
 pingoo
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 31
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/1/2010 3:02:36 PM
LOL
THATS FUNNY WHO CARES,
WHAT YOU SHOULD DO IS MET SOME ONE YOUNGER , BETTER BODY ,BIGGER PACKAGE AND GIT OVER IT ,
I CAN HELP YOU WITH THIS PROBLEM THATS PRTTY BIG OF ME SINCE U TURNED ME DOWN FOR THE SAME GUY YOUR COMPLAINING ABOUT


 pingoo
Joined: 12/16/2009
Msg: 32
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/1/2010 3:07:18 PM
ADVICE FROM ONE WOMEN TO EITHER ON HOW NOT TO LOOK CRAZY,
IT WAS THE FRIST DATE+ COFFEE IF SHES THIS UPSET SHES CRAZY
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 33
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/2/2010 12:33:45 PM

Why isnt that a possibility? Why on earth would a man dump a wonderful, sexy, giving, appreciative,feminine,non-angry-with-issues, non-take-for-granted woman?

WHY would he do that? for NO GOOD REASON?

Ummm-because he's dumber than a box of rocks?

It's just amazing that you obvious man-haters

Confucius say, "man who point finger has 3 fingers pointing back at him."
Oh yeah there's obvious hating going on here, but I don't think it's in anyway confined to women hating men.
As for the OT...this crap happens all the time,and isn't necessarily confined to people met via the 'net. To seek an opportunity to have the last word, or to get closure, or find out "what went wrong",all imply that you care. The trick with
Adventures in Modern Dating is to firmly control the speed that caring grows at...especially when it comes to men met via internet dating sites. Do not let yourself dream/plan too far ahead. Because although there are many really good people who use internet dating sites for more or less practical or positive reasons, it's not always easy to tell them from the damaged, the delusional, the "avengers", the unsingle cheaters. So he fell off the face of the Earth...well, then this relationship wasn't meant to be. Ranting at the guy solves exactly...what? Yeah, it might briefly make you feel better...sorta like lancing a boil on the butt of your psyche, I guess;but when you stop and realize that you've just revealed yourself as a someone who attaches a lot of importance to dating and relationships, that you probably came across as a 5 yr old princess having a temper tantrum, then that "feeling better" tends to lose some of its' shine.
Anyone, man or woman who is in a dating situation and then just withdraws/ceases communication, is either
A. Married and got caught
B. a coward
C. probably both.
Let it go, move on. Living well is the best revenge.
Cindy O
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 34
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What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/2/2010 1:28:44 PM

It's just amazing that you obvious man-haters wont consider the POSSIBILITY that she DESERVED to get dumped.
We're not the one's with the TURDY attitude in this thread.. By your convictions here, I'd logically have to come to the conclusion that you've disappeared on a damsel yourself.

No one is assuming that Op was blameless .. we're addressing the fact that the fvcktoid disappeared without even saying a thing. Nada, nothing, zip...

What, in your mind would be something Op could have done that would have resulted in him being justified to be so unkind? .. and .. If she did that 'thing' then why would she come here looking for adivce???
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 35
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What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/2/2010 5:29:32 PM
The dilema the oposter has shared is that the dude vanished into thin air and she's wondering what she can say to to him or, should she just not bother.


Umm.. EVERYONE is ignoring the point I made which is that she MIGHT be blameless. MOST posters on here present themselves in the most favorable light in their initial posting.
so, do you just assume that they are all lying then?
I've read enough where later on, when challenged by the disconnect in their story does their own participation-if-not-causation in their own problem crop up.
It would be prudent then to wait to post your point of view when she presents a reason to then. At the point of your posts ~ she had not presented any evidence correlating with your views.

It's there in many many posts.
It's not in THIS particular thread though.

It's from THAT where I presented my question.
Seems you jumped the gun a bit.

Notice how the haters STILL didnt consider that MAYBE it WAS her fault, but instead jumped on ME, as you did.
I prefer to react on whats presented. Or, at least try my best to. Nothing of the sort regarding what you've posted has been presented. Your presentation was based on logically fallacies.. not evidence. And, they were blaming a woman for the thoughtless actions of a man disappearing without ending things. Not cool. I know that if the OP was a man.. I would be saying the same thing about the woman that disappeared without the courtesy of a goodbye as well. Would you be saying the same thing to a male Oposter if it was the woman that disappeared without courtesy?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 36
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What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/2/2010 6:31:23 PM

My original comment WAS a MAYBE the OP did something to drive him away.
Even if she did.. it doesn't excuse disappearing.
Good men dont bail on GOOD women
Good people don't just disappear when they're done.

"We" have not been posting on the quality of either him or her.. we've been posting on what (or how) he ended it. PERIOD..


From what she wrote.. it could have been ONLY 2 dates. It just says "we were dating" with NO timeline, NO presentation of the depth of the understanding between them.
TWO or even FIVE dates does NOT require some sort of CLOSURE where a potential scene of ugly could happen. NO NEXT DATE is a very clear "goodbye" message.
Yes.. it is a clear message but it's a message that the majority of daters male or
female have a hard time accepting.. It's cruel and it's rude.. and it can be done through email if it's a barely-off-the-ground type thing which will avoid anything "ugly" from happening.

Her ONLY post makes MY potential scenarios all the more possible than not.
In your mind perhaps.

.. 1KM4U: you are focusing on WHY he MAY have done it... we (your so-called haters) have been focusing on HOW he did it,we (mostly) left out any conjecture about the actual pair in question and just commented on his behaviour with regard to how he halted their, thus-far interaction(s)..
 Doesnt care
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 37
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/3/2010 5:36:19 AM
I know it's hard babe, you just have to pick up the pieces, stand up, and brush the dirt off you shoulder. :) I guess if you think of it as "swallowing the pill called pride" right on. With situations like this it's not your fault, so smile and find some other gentleman and bring joy to his life.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 38
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/3/2010 6:09:05 AM

You can't complain since you also tried to use him. You wanted to use him for: love, sex, romance, marriage, anti-depression, a chat buddy, or whatever, and so allowed him to use you for sex,laughs, or whatever he wanted


OMG! - I'm sure that must have been absolutely horrifying and humiliating for him. How dare she try to love somebody.


Now he is on to the next victory, because you are no longer a contest.

Yes - why did she have to be so willing and compliant?


Some guys are like that, and stalking him/whining about it won't change him.

Yes, some guys are like that. Stalking him is a waste of time and energy. At least discussing or venting about it is a healthy thing in order to move on. It's an attempt to try to understand it even though it may never be understood why people do this.


Are you really so psychotic that you want more pain, shame, etc?

Wow you think the OP is psychotic for simply asking on a forum why a man would suddenly disappear when she believed there was mutual interest?
It is not psychotic to question irrational behavior - it's only psychotic to react to it with irrational behavior.

Why not find a nice non-user?

If everyone would just put that in their profile it would make things so much simpler.





 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 39
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What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/3/2010 11:09:46 AM

some people have a legimate reason to bail out on someone if they are worried about something regarding the person they are meeting.
Legitimate reasons for ending the 'relationship' are not whats being questioned.. He had every right to bale if he wasn't interested in taking it further.. It's THE WAY HE ENDED IT that is anti-social, narcississtic behaviour
I have no issue with someone ending things when they're not happy.. it's just nice if when wanting to bale that you let the other party know that you are in fact ending it.


I have bailed on ladies who have said something that bugged me or that got me concerned and I didn't say anything to them
And, as you can see by this thread.. when you do something as cowardly as disappearing without a word that you hurt people. If you're the gentleman and the 'lover' that you portray yourself to be ~ I hope you'll stop "poofing" without explaination when you don't like the way the relationship is headed.

Perhaps there's yet another question one has to ask before getting involved with someone from the internet: to ascertain if they've got a decent bone in their body.
.." Have you ever just left someone without saying goodbye?" ..
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 40
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/3/2010 12:18:10 PM

The saying "Hell hath no fury" is about WOMEN and their irrational thinking/behavior when it comes to relationships. MORE women have gone psycho and keyed a car, or thrown things. or physically attacked their "other" as he was trying to break it off cleanly than men ever have.

Women's fury and spite has had movies made about it.. songs written about it and down through time is beyond urban legend.

Lorena bobbit anyone?

The fact that you presume facts NOT presented that she was somehow faultless and DESERVED her "got to get the last word in" moment viewpoint seems to be ONLY coming from the women in this thread.


OneKindManForYou: I know there are hostile women out there, but please don't justify typical male behavior of just disappearing when they get bored. You're making a lot of assumptions on the part of the OP which is really being fair to her.
Something tells me your justification of a man just "poofing" strikes a personal chord with you. You're making assumptions that there is always a whole lot of drama involved, when many of us (men and women) can be adult enough to tell a partner or potential partner that it's just not working out and expect the other to act like an adult and move on.
I know I made jokes earlier in this thread but it was only to add some levity. Most intelligent people (women too) realize how ridiculous it is to act like a lunatic over some worthless guy.

It isnt gutless, it isnt backboneless.. it might be prudent for his own safety.
MAYBE after just a date or two he saw/heard her talk about how she keyed her last boyfriends car when he dumped her..
MAYBE he didnt want to be attacked, and THEN accused of the attack.
MAYBE he went to her house after the 2nd date and saw her 22 cats.
MAYBE he WAS in a car accident and is in a coma somewhere
MAYBE her psycho ex or family accosted him and told him to leave town
MAYBE she told him she has an incurable STD

Not a ONE of you is considering that it COULD have been justified as the most prudent way to end it.

I hope to God these weren't personal experiences for you. Yes - maybe he met her in a psych ward somewhere and either she or him went off their meds.
For most normal, bright non-violent people I don't condone just dumping them without a word - especially when you live in a small town.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 41
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/3/2010 12:27:00 PM

What is considered ok to say to someone who just up and disappears, stops calling, emailing. etc? I was dating this guy and it was moving forward, then suddenly, he stops calling. Won't answer any texts. It's all very rude and I feel used and angry


"Closure" to the satisfaction of the recipient isnt always deserved nor is it prudent.

The saying "Hell hath no fury" is about WOMEN and their irrational thinking/behavior when it comes to relationships. MORE women have gone psycho and keyed a car, or thrown things. or physically attacked their "other" as he was trying to break it off cleanly than men ever have.

Women's fury and spite has had movies made about it.. songs written about it and down through time is beyond urban legend.

Lorena bobbit anyone?

The fact that you presume facts NOT presented that she was somehow faultless and DESERVED her "got to get the last word in" moment viewpoint seems to be ONLY coming from the women in this thread.

It isnt gutless, it isnt backboneless.. it might be prudent for his own safety.
MAYBE after just a date or two he saw/heard her talk about how she keyed her last boyfriends car when he dumped her..
MAYBE he didnt want to be attacked, and THEN accused of the attack.
MAYBE he went to her house after the 2nd date and saw her 22 cats.
MAYBE he WAS in a car accident and is in a coma somewhere
MAYBE her psycho ex or family accosted him and told him to leave town
MAYBE she told him she has an incurable STD

Not a ONE of you is considering that it COULD have been justified as the most prudent way to end it.

Of course.. the whiner.. the complainer is a woman.. and women NEVER do anything wrong in a relationship.. much less speculate when there never WAS a relationship to begin with.

MAYBE he's a cheatin'ass married man.
MAYBE he's just a conquest addicted bedpost-notcher.
MAYBE he has a pattern of dating someone long enough that it might be headed to exclusivity, then gets all whiny weinie "fearful".
MAYBE his ass is in jail for not keeping up child support payments.
MAYBE he got called back to the Mother Ship.
MAYBE he was abducted by aliens.
Maybe he went back to HIS 'ex'.
MAYBE he got hit on the head and developed amnesia.

Actually, the OT was a question about what might be OK to say to someone who just ceases contact / doesn't respond.
Actually, ANYTHING is OK to say, but why bother? Why look for the last word in an argument with somebody who does't have the BALLS to say..."This just isn't sustaining for me and it would be wrong for me waste your time by continuing to see you." Somebody who doesn't have that minimal level of courtesy and integrity isn't worth another minute of my life.
Cindy O
 scorpiomover
Joined: 4/19/2007
Msg: 42
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What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/3/2010 7:04:56 PM
Don't say anything. Consider yourself lucky that you found out he wasn't interested, and move on. Why waste any energy on this guy at all? It's your energy, and you are precious. So your energy is precious. Don't waste what is precious on what is not.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 43
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/5/2010 3:07:22 PM
"Swallow" your pride? Hell, no! CLAIM your pride!! And admit yer picker's broke -- good pickers don't end up with poofers. . . Spend your recuperation time fixing that picker. . . . Meanwhile, it's good to remember that the Universe is very fond of grace and joy, and often rewards it. And men find it very attractive. . .

Live long and prosper!!
 yourstillhere
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 44
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What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/5/2010 5:57:17 PM

My original comment WAS a MAYBE the OP did something to drive him away.



Even if she did.. it doesn't excuse disappearing.


^^^^^^ Now THATS a classic!!!^^^^^^
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 48
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/6/2010 7:55:18 AM
Instead.. the WOMEN seem to argue the point that NO woman is EVER deserving to be "poofed" on. THAT idea is filled with MORE holes than my SUPPOSITION of a potential POSSIBILITY presented to the non-present OP.

There are some mentally unstable people out there - male AND female. I listen very carefully to a potential date, and read their WORDS very carefully before I meet them. If they still carry resentment towards their ex it's highly likely that I won't be in relationship with them. I think men should do the same thing, but instead their judgement is clouded by the visual, they will BEGIN a relationship with sex and then find out she's unstable or has a tendency to be violent after it's too late.


Fact.. SOME women DO behave SO irrationally.. that it IS prudent to disappear on them.


I'm not defending this behavior, however many times a woman like that doesn't get angry over nothing. Usually she feels a man has mislead her or was decietful, especially in a relationship that is not well established.


Their IRRATIONALITY and hysterics is JUST CAUSE to avoid the CLOSURE TALK. Now.. If you argue contrary to that.. you are just plain delusional and might as well ALSO be saying that a battered wife should go get her things from her battering husband house WITHOUT an armed escort.. so HE can have CLOSURE and understand why she is LEAVING his battering ass.


Women are the weaker sex in the physical sense and have much more to fear with a man who has a violent past. It is with astounding frequency that women are killed, injured, or raped more often by men they know very well or sometimes men they just met.
It is very unlikely and rare that a man is killed by a woman he just met.
Women have much more to fear in online dating I believe.

If a man is that fearful of women in general and assuming so many women are into that kind of drama, he is likely either used to leading them on, or is attracted to the more aggressive types of women.
It sounds like you are speaking from experience, 1kindman. That doesn't give anyone here the right to send you belittling messages in private email.


One date is NOT a relationship, but I really don't see the harm in an email communication. Even a post-it note is better than nothing.
A man is still accountable for HIS behavior - he needs to ask himself "Am I a man of integrity or am I a spineless cowardly worm"? If it is a hardly established relationship it is highly unlikely that saying goodbye before you've even been intimate is going to escalate to violence. Men just are afraid it's going to be uncomfortable - which it very well may be, but communication is a beautiful thing.

I don't believe the OP's profile indicates low self esteem at all. She knows who she is as a person and what she has to offer. Some of us are quite content to be average and realistic. It is our character that we hold to high standards.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 49
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/6/2010 11:34:04 AM
My question is simple. What is considered ok to say to someone who just up and disappears, stops calling, emailing. etc? I was dating this guy and it was moving forward, then suddenly, he stops calling. Won't answer any texts. It's all very rude and I feel used and angry. Do I confront him and risk being labeled a "stalker" or do I just swallow my pride and not say anything and still feel used?


This is the OT, in it's entirety.
Now lets fast forward to messages 137 and 139, not meaning to DISinclude prior messages by this and other posters who seem to think the OP is asking WHY the guy poofed.
Please point out to me, in the OT where she asks anything about "why" he might have poofed. What she WANTS is opinions on whether she should attempt to contact the guy and speak up about the situation. I'm not even really getting a sense that she's interested in rekindling the involvement. She just wants opinions of whether it's worth it to contact the guy and let him know her opinion of his chickenshit way of squirming out of a dating involvement that, for WHATEVER reason, failed to hold his interest. I'm sure that it would have been unbelievably traumatic for the guy to send an email letting her know he thinks she's a great person but he just doesn't see this building into a meaningful relationship. Or he could even make up a polite white lie(met someone else, not over his previous failed relationship, might have to relocate).
The "fell off the face of the earth" act doesn't make someone a "bad" person,but having the GUTS to inform the other person that it's just not gonna sustain, certainly establishes that the party possesses a spine.

The fact that the OP has NOT re-visited her own post to even clarify what happened to correct us all.. tells me that it was a red herring.. and that MY deductive analysis was probably MORE right on than the rest of the comments.

No, she probably decided that very few posters actually GOT what she was asking, that SOME posters had actually gotten their boxers in a knot over it, and that she could get better advice from a group of high school students.

Again.. reading comprehension..
Now THERE'S your irony.
WE dont KNOW if the woman DID behave that way in the least.
The woman DID NOT ASK "why" the guy "poofed'...she asked opinions on whether it would be appropriate, and ideas of what to say, if she chose to contact the guy and express her OPINION of the "poofing" itself.


My question is simple. What is considered ok to say to someone who just up and disappears, stops calling, emailing. etc? I was dating this guy and it was moving forward, then suddenly, he stops calling. Won't answer any texts. It's all very rude and I feel used and angry. Do I confront him and risk being labeled a "stalker" or do I just swallow my pride and not say anything and still feel used?

Please point out to me WHERE she asks "WHY he ceased contact. All she wants is opinions of her desire to give the guy a piece of her mind about his chickenshit behavior.

Am I the only woman who ever heard this from a man in person?

No, Fifi, I've dated men who had the grace and decency to clearly inform me, (not always in person maybe) that they didn't see a sustainable dating/relationship process, for a variety of reasons. I've also dated guys who 'poofed'. Speaking directly to the OP about my own experiences, my position with "poofers" and "flakes" is to not waste another minute of my life on a man who clearly hasn't the necessary level of honesty and bravery,in MY opinion,t
even make a platonic friendship worthwhile.

What part of the POSSIBILITY.. let me say it again.. POSSIBILITY that the woman in question WAS quite the irrational, illogical histrionic-if-not-property defacing, violence prone WACKO and CAUSED the man in question to avoid her like the plague?

It doesn't matter.because that was NOT the question in the OT.WHY the guy might have done the "poofing"thing is certainly an interesting topic of discussion, but it was NOT the question posed in the OT.

We don't need a talk. All I ever wanted was a simple "it's not working for me, goodbye" rather than a poof when I had been dating someone and he disappeared. I expect nothing after one date. I think silence is golden in this situation, and in fact have received email from men asking me why I did not email them to ask what is wrong with me when I did not email them and tell them that I liked them, I suppose, or did not receive an email from them after meeting them. After being dumped after dating someone I have never said anything except have a nice life, take care. Every time the man has seemed weirded out that and asked me why I did not beg him to take me back or act mad like he seemed to think I was supposed to. I don't do those kinds of things because I am a sane, sexy, intelligent woman who has no need to grovel at the feet of anyone begging for anything.

DING DING DING...we have a winner!
OR

I have to agree with dadeeword, The best thing to do is just move on and forget about that person, but if you can get some sort of shot in and vent you're opinion in a dignified sort of way ( if there is one ), then do it. No, you're not going to feel as though you worked it out with this person, but you will feel somewhat dignified as long as your points are valid and real.
is also a valid option if you really need to get your opinion of the "vanishing act" off your chest.
Msg 152..although not directly on topic, certainly sums up MY thoughts about the side track that some postes seemed to be trying to send it down.
as for the final question in msg 152...I, for one, was toodisgusted to cringe with embarrassment or anything else.
Cindy O
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 50
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/7/2012 1:06:29 PM
What an Ahole, didn't even have the decency to end things the right way. Cut your losses & walk away, or send him a dead fish. Don't wrap it in plastic, just a fish in a box. Time it so it gets delivered when you know he's out of town for a few days...
 daffie
Joined: 5/21/2010
Msg: 51
view profile
History
What to say after being dumped.
Posted: 1/8/2012 6:23:35 AM
i'd say...
"his/her loss"...

and move on,
right away!...
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