Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 46
view profile
History
Why the no contact rule?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

I don't get it either, but I have a mental gear shift installed that prevents me from thinking that something that's over isn't over, so I assume that's why I don't. I also tend to be the one in most cases that initiates a breakup - so for me keeping contact doesn't stress me out much, really.

That's the biggest difference between the person who initiates the breakup and the person being dumped. In all likelihood, the dumper has done all the rationalization and made all the necessary adjustments prior to ending the relationship. So when the breakup is eventually announced, the dumper might even feel a sense of relief because he or she has already moved on. For the "dumpee" however, his or her world has just ended.

So "no contact" is really more for the person being dumped. No contact forces the dumpee to cut lose from a dead relationship and to get used to living without the dumper - both of which are are very important in recovering from being dumped.


Sometimes I feel that I am now in a place that if I were to talk to him again I could handle it but then I realize that I have no desire because I cannot and will not be pushed and pulled like a yo-yo.

There is nothing left to say and I am moving on and looking forward to a future and not being held back by my past.

I've also found that once I have moved on, I have not the need nor the desire to talk to an ex again. If we cross path by accident, I can be cordial. But to actively seek out and to keep in constant touch, not so much. As another poster had said, it is a matter of protecting your own emotional well being. I wouldn't want to dig up anything that may casue me grief.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 47
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 4/25/2010 12:17:24 PM

That's the biggest difference between the person who initiates the breakup and the person being dumped. In all likelihood, the dumper has done all the rationalization and made all the necessary adjustments prior to ending the relationship. So when the breakup is eventually announced, the dumper might even feel a sense of relief because he or she has already moved on. For the "dumpee" however, his or her world has just ended.

Exactly. For those who have a harder time moving on when someone's not into them anymore...the no contact rule (which is really their way of setting boundaries to adjust to a new situation) is probably a good idea.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 49
view profile
History
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 4/25/2010 9:48:25 PM

OP -- This ain't a "rule" at all. It's a preference. Some people prefer to break off and cease ALL communication with an ex...

Yeah, I definitely felt that way after my ex left me. It was a very amicable split and I have absolutely no ill feelings toward her whatsoever, but it would have just hurt far too much to remain in contact with her and not be able to be close to her anymore.
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 51
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 4/26/2010 12:14:51 PM
a no contact rule is for children .....as an old man I revisit the memories of my youth the many women I have loved before ...the friends that have come and went .. the hearts that mine has touched ... today they are just memories ...traces of a past ..memories replayed in my mind ..of all the memories the good ones have gotten sweeter the bad times are barely remembered .. oh to meet again ...to find out where their lives have taken them ...to reminisce ... all anger all hurt has faded all is left is a empty spot of not knowing what effect our encounters made on your life ..the opportunity to cherish good memories and to apologize for any hurt I caused ..these are things old men ponder .. when all the hurt and hate fades ...to all my past friends and lovers ...I wish you well ...happiness and peace ... and if we should cross paths again ..I think it would be worth a trip down memory lane ...just to say that our hearts had touched ...to laugh about the good times to say I'm sorry for the bad times ...these are things that would make my final sleep much more peaceful
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 52
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 4/26/2010 5:02:30 PM
ahhh... the no contact rule redux...

my ex likes to swoop down ever so often and poke a stick in me with contact to see if i'm still warm and breathing.

texted me saturday for a phone number...for someone she could have gotten the number from a number of other people.


so this morning i just sent her a note...

lose
my
number...


of course the phone blows up...


just leave me alone...
 MissNoWhere
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 54
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 4/26/2010 6:40:11 PM
I'm so glad that you were able to end it without anger, bitterness or ill feelings towards him. Often, that's not the case, especially in the mind of the person who was "let go" for lack of a better term.

I initiate the no contact rule at the beginning stages to make sure there is no way the person I was with can mistake my being friendly as something more. One of my best friends is actually a man I dated while I was in high school. It took us more than a few years (okay, more than 20) before we could talk again without those wishes for the carefree easy days of high school and the love that we shared popping up again. Ahhhh to be young and idealistic again, but we're well past that stage. I now can treasure his friendship and hope he finds a wonderful woman who will be everything he hopes for and more.

There are others I would NEVER have contact with for various reasons. Sometimes you have to take a breather and find yourself before you can allow yourself to be friends with an ex. Sometimes you never find that friendship.

All the best!
 deserae42
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 58
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 10/25/2010 4:22:53 AM
Wow 3 days after we broke up and YOU keep believing those lies you tell yourself, it was never LOVE caring or a relationship ONLY sex which has made it instantly possible for you to have such a iced heart and be such an ***hole to a woman who loved you with all she ever had to give anyone! I am thankful for people who really love...and believe in karma...it comes back tenfold!!!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 59
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 10/25/2010 4:32:56 AM

I have seen many posts on here saying that when one breaks up there should be no contact at all.
I don't understand it at all and no, I'm not stupid, just curious is all.

Some people (me, for instance) aren't interested in dating someone who stays in contact with exes. You won't ever screw up a new relationship with an ex with whom you are no longer in contact.

I just have never been one to stop all and any contact with anyone as to me that is saying " I despise you "

No, it's more like saying, ``I don't want you to screw up my next relationship, too.''
 TiffLS
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 60
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 10/26/2010 8:54:27 PM

What purpose does it serve to be in contact with someone you're not compatible with?


Fascinating concept, that the fact that someone isn't the right life partner for you means that there's "no purpose" in maintaining any kind of relationship with him at all. Isn't the world full of people we have valuable, positive relationships with and aren't interested in dating or marrying or otherwise being romantically involved with? I know that I have many close friends I wouldn't want to be romantically involved with, including one I was engaged to nearly twenty years ago. I'm sure we're both as glad that we chose not to follow through with marriage as we are that we remain in regular contact despite the divergent paths our lives have taken.
 Crabby_McCrabberson
Joined: 8/11/2010
Msg: 61
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 10/27/2010 5:58:31 AM
I used to see it like OP describes, but I've come to understand: it's one more in a very long list of things that different people do differently, and even within groups of people who do it the same way, it can be for vastly differing reasons.

I've thankfully been lucky enough to have only dated one person who actually is of that nasty breed who has nothing to do with anyone, as soon as he determines the person is not useful to him. A good way to spot those is that they have no friends.

Having no friends isn't always immediately noticeable and the fact gets disguised because they mention friends, who later turn out to not be anything deeper than an acquaintance.

It's something that's good to look into early on. It's a sign of something wrong.
 deserae42
Joined: 11/24/2006
Msg: 62
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 11/7/2010 8:11:11 AM
Well put Britney and so true. Meant nothing to him just passin the time is how I feel about it. Guess that's what happens when one truely LOVES with heart and soul...and the other is just there for the party... so to speak! I will never open my heart up again for a man to take and shatter it. So many people are not true to themselves first of all and they learn to believe all the lies they speak, its called a habitual liar! My ex is here in this post and says he never stays in contact with his exes I had to laugh...they are all still in his phone and he had regular contact with them, when we were together as a couple. Then contacted me 4 months after we ended (very badly I may add). I now just believe that no one ever tells the truth!
 likemyrock
Joined: 10/21/2010
Msg: 63
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 11/7/2010 9:32:10 AM
Saying this in this thread with the OP info/opinion

some of us are only in contact with others if we want something from them and that also says we were never anything and or meant anything to that person to begin with.

to me is like saying "Pete used to hang out with me on my Birthday, but stopped last year after we fought. John over there comes by my bakery and hangs out in my kitchen every day. Pete must have just been using me for my cake."


the contact is always open so why should it be different in past relationships?

Because the relationship ended. It's done. There is no difference between a friendship relationship, platonic relationship, sibling relationship, filial relationship, or romantic relationship except for boundaries and expectations. You should be the same person in each one.
And guess which one of those is supposed to have absolutely no real boundaries, or at most the very least of any? Complete and total open and honest? Would you tell your mom you fantasized about incest once? How about your boss? Your sister? How about your confidante spouse/SO when exploring who you each are?

IMO if you can simply switch from no boundaries to a ton of expectations and boundaries then more than likely that is what you wanted all along, and you want to dictate what those boundaries and limitations are. That you want a continuing relationship...to be about you, an extension of you.
To me if you want something to continue even though the relationship has peaked and there is nowhere to go but backwards, then more than likely you simply want something "from" other people.

IME people that go away after a relationship means there is about a 50/50 chance they were simply using you.
But people that stick around after a failed relationship means there's about a 90% probability they are/were simply using you.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/19/2010
Msg: 64
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 11/7/2010 9:56:36 AM
I don't think that is a universal rule; many are not only in contact but downright friends with an ex after a breakup.

Some people are not only friends they are friends with benefits with exes after a breakup.

Where I have seen this rule has been when one person has broken up against the wishes of the other one; where there needs to be time for the one who is hurting to heal and move on; and they find it very difficult to move on when interacting with the person who dumped them. It sends mixed messages; makes it keep the hope alive they will get back together; and with some people who are highly sexual who break up; if they get in a new relationship the new person often fears they will fall back in with each other or cheat; because that side of things is still very much alive and well.

So mostly to help one heal and finally move on, because of the comfort zone of the new relationship; or because, in some extreme cases, they hate each other's guts and it keeps them from killing each other :)
 Butterflygrl007
Joined: 11/3/2010
Msg: 65
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 11/7/2010 10:21:28 AM
He who is in charge needs to get laid LOL
 1eastshore
Joined: 11/3/2010
Msg: 66
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 11/7/2010 6:55:28 PM
For me, it would depend on the circumstances of the breakup.
 KissMyKarma
Joined: 9/9/2010
Msg: 67
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 11/7/2010 7:37:40 PM
I think there's some ends of relationships where no contact is necessary and some where it'd be just fine.

In the first - most likely the parties are too hurt to be able to converse with any amount of civility so it's healthier for both to shut the heck up.
And in the second - maybe they realize they're just not made for each other and part on friendly, more understanding terms.

Until you have the first in your life or in the life of someone you love, you probably wouldn't understand.
 Gypsyrose240
Joined: 12/13/2010
Msg: 68
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 1/23/2011 1:36:20 PM
I personaly feel if 2 people think they're grown up enough to get into an intimate relationship w/one another then they should be able to talk to one another about anything happening between them...Not just the good but the bad, they should be able to not only talk but listen and hear what is being said to them...If after doing so if a break up is agreed upon w/understanding of the reasons why, being adults and agreeing on it, there's no reason why w/that understanding that they can't go on as friends keeping an open mind that anything is posible in the future.

To me, cutting off another, abandonment, no explaination of what went wrong? Lack of discussion/decided one way is cruel. Leaves one confused and hurt, not knowing what happened, wondering if they could of done anything to fix the problem to learn from the experience to grow from it to make the relationship better and stronger, may leave one feeling inadequate/worthless as if garbage to be thrown away, not worthy of respect/love....I'd feel as if I were not only dealing w/an irresponsible hurtful child that I meant nothing to in the past but a control freek that needs to grow up and has no right being in a serious relationship to start with due to a lack of knowledge of how to communicate/compromise for the best of all involved in the situation they put themself in... Once you put yourself in a relationship involving another, it's not just about you anymore but the both of you and regardless of if ending or not, if your grown up about it you shouldn't want to see the other hurt if for nothing else but outta respect for what once was and maybe in the future.

I guess for some it works but in my opinion...It's disrespectful to the next to not care if you hurt them or not...If you were once friend, enough to become intimate w/them, you should care to want to help them get used to the changes to move on as friends...Once I give a peice of my heart to someone, it's for life... Regardless/unconditionaly... I took a year once to get another to move on and well was the longest year of my life but I didn't cut ties, block them and tell them to F off...I could never do that to someone I once cared that owns a piece of my heart...I will always be there even for my ex's in a time of need outta respect for what once was.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 69
view profile
History
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 1/23/2011 3:25:41 PM
I don't have a no contact rule and I would not date someone who imposed it on me.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 70
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 1/23/2011 8:14:54 PM
Sometimes it takes awhile, before someone can get over the hurt feelings.
Running into someone that you have had a lot of feeling for, when it abruptly ends -bites the bullet.
Just be patient let this person come to you on their own time.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 71
view profile
History
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 1/24/2011 2:20:19 PM
For me if it was a mutual thing, meaning discussed and talked over and there was no point in continuing,fine no problem.. let's keep in touch

However if it were like my last relationship where she withdrew,ignored me and made excuses and assured me nothing was wrong when I inquired and then would be normal and then in particular one night I posted on FB that I was bored and going out ( after a week of getting the cold shoulder) HOLY CRAP! text messages started pouring in inquiring where I was going,who with and where yadda yadda.. I just said I was going out with friends and didn't know when I was gonna be back. It wasn't long after she offered the old "let's be friends" line. I told her it was either a relationship or nothing. I don't tolerate being 2nd classed and letting someone who didn't know what they wanted set boundaries. It's either all of me or none of me in this situation.

So I walked. It would have been totally on her terms and I wouldn't have been able to heal.

She wasn't mature enough to be open and honest and couldn't make up her mind so for my own sanity I made it up for her.

The dumper takes their time and slowly adjusts to the idea of the break up and justifies it in their own mind.

I liken it to they get to sip the hot soup at their own pace a spoonful at a time,the dumpee gets the whole pot poured on them at once,and the dumper can't figure out why they react so... after all they just had the same soup!

The dumper will also use the dumpee's confusion and wanting to work things out to justify their own reasons for dumping them.

No contact should be applied on a case by case basis. I have a few ex's that i have no problem staying in touch with. They were mature enough to sit down and have a conversation about it. The others? nah.. I'm walkin and I wish them well. Karma is a biotch.
 ChillinChill
Joined: 10/2/2010
Msg: 72
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 1/24/2011 2:28:47 PM
I would want no contact if the man ended things with me and I still had feelings for him.
It takes awhile to put the breakup in perspective and put my feelings somewhere guarded. I don't want contact or the reminder that he and I are no longer lovers, or in a relationship.
The man will usually stay around to have sex and that's hard for me to pass up if I still have very deep feelings for him. ( no pun intended)
 MarnieEdgar
Joined: 7/31/2010
Msg: 73
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 1/27/2011 4:16:20 PM
If you feel you need to use this rule by all means use it. In my opinion its a healthy choice especially if you have been in a dysfunctional relationship and fear you might be drawn back into it..
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 74
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 1/30/2011 11:03:36 AM
It's very simple... you avoid contact in order to avoid any further rejection/counter rejection.
 Laha Math
Joined: 7/15/2010
Msg: 75
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 1/31/2011 8:24:58 PM
I think it depends on how strong and secure you are and the relationship was. If you need it the isolation will remove triggers of unpleasant thoughts. It's also good idea to remove reminders of the person like photos, literally "souvenirs" in French.
 Daisyrose73
Joined: 9/23/2010
Msg: 76
Why the no contact rule?
Posted: 2/4/2011 10:30:11 AM
I am only in contact really with 3 of my ex's. 2 are the father's of my children. My ex husband who is the father of 2 of my children it took a long time to have a conversation that did not regard the children with him. We still aren't particularly chatty with one another but we can have a conversation. The other ex we live to far apart to make it work. The relationship didn't progress to the love stage before we figured that out. The most recent ex and the father of my youngest we chat at times. I don't think he is totally over me but wants to see me happy. He knows my feelings about this and I do not instigate the conversations.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >