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 barefootkitten
Joined: 12/17/2009
Msg: 37
Widowed father already talking to new ladiesPage 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I find it odd that there are people on here ASSUMING that the father has entered into a FWB relationship. I don't remember reading the Mod saying that he was, you just assumed. Realistically, do you think any parent would ever tell their child that they were? "Honey, I'd like you to me Tina, she's my FWB"?! You have no idea the reality of the father's dating life because we only have information based on what the mod has said. You also have no idea the extent to what he was talking about his children. The mod just said she heard him talking about her, not that he was telling someone else about every aspect of his children's personal lives. Do you honestly think that no parent should ever talk to anyone else about their children? I reiterate, you have no idea what he was saying to this person about the children. You say it's ok to say that you have children. Maybe he was doing just that. Do you think that if you tell someone you have kids they aren't going to ask questions about them, like how old they are, what are their names, etc... It is a part of getting to know someone, but like I said earlier, don't ever assume that the children are the sole topics of their conversations. The mod seems to think she is privy to every single nuance of personal conversations her father has (between their mother and the new women he is dating).

As for the waiting until kids are out of the house: in this day and age, that could be years and years. Should the father wait to date for another 10 or 15 years until his (now) grown son decides to move out because the son can't deal with his father having a life?
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 38
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I was just curious to what you think.
Posted: 1/5/2010 8:55:07 AM
Where it may be too soon for you, it obviously isn't too soon for him. He more than likely has had his closure, and has been able to accept that the woman he loved has gone. It's hard being the child, and not wanting someone to take you mothers place, but think about it....has he ever had to live alone? Probably not. I bet he's lonely and needs someone to fill that void.
Considering that he is a grown man, he can do as he pleases. If you lost your husband after a battle with cancer and decided to move on to the next bloke 5 or 6 months later I don't think you would appreciate your father stepping in and being rotten about it.
Be happy for him that he has come to terms with his grief!
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 40
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:29:15 AM
There is a good chance that, without exception, I have had the greatest amount of exposure to grief and grieving families/individuals.

What I can tell you is that the short and long term effects differ for everyone in term of degree and expression.

I can also tell you that holding something against someone that is behaving reactionary to grief is an injustice. This is what we are doing. Some...by accusing the OP of being selfish. Some by claiming dad is thinking with his****

Families are torn apart over issues of final disposition, money, disposition of property, storage of mementos, gifting of personal items to charity...the OP's issue at hand...and the list goes on and on.

We do not serve the OP well by either supporting her view...or defending dad.

People will do strange things while grieving. The only sound advice is to attempt to be sympathetic of each others grief and forgiving for the sometimes odd ways they express it.

Grief is more powerful than drugs. Would you hold something against a loved one for behavior while coming out of sedation? Or for the sometimes nasty things our ladies say to us during the peek of child birth? I hope not.

Personally...I know that when my kids were young...my hope would have been that my SO would find someone that would love her and my children, respect my place in their hearts...and care for them at least as well as I would.

Now...I hope they honor me by remembering me from time to time...especially those special moments...and live their lives. And save their money and time from graveside flowers and visits and use same to live their own "individual" lives in a manor that maximises their happiness.

Opie isn't wrong for feeling the way she does. Dad's not either.

I think they could both be little more understanding of each other.
 Twilightslove
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 41
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I was just curious to what you think.
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:31:52 AM
Hospice care normally provides services to the entire family for up to a year after death. You or your father should have their phone number. They called me after my father's death to see how I was doing and if I needed to talk.

Your fifteen year old brother can receive counseling through his school and if you were to go in to see his counselor on his behalf I'm sure they would be more than willing to talk to you and your other brother as well.

Churches are often set up to provide grief counseling so you might check into that.

Let your father know that you need him now. You have to tell him exactly what you are feeling though. Men understand when you are direct. They do not always understand when you are hinting at things. You could start out by saying that you are angry that your mom died or hurt or scared. You could tell him that you and your brothers need him so much right now to help you through this all and that you understand that he is looking for help in his own way yet you wish you could all get help together.

It's so hard to understand why someone dies especially when we feel they should still be here. Seek out the help you all need and do not be afraid to say exactly what you need.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 44
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 6:18:55 PM

My grandfather died 15 years ago.... my grandmother started seeing someone in October. Most of her children banded together to tell her that she was disgracing his memory, and that she would be dead to them if she remarried. I saw her at Christmas, sitting in the corner, all by herself, waiting to go home to an empty house simply because her children couldn't get over themselves and their hurt enough leave her alone. She made that choice for a bunch of people who can only be bothered to swing by a couple of times a year for holidays.

This really made me want to cry. My mother has been widowed for 10 years and will likely spend the rest of her life alone because there is no dating pool for her. Men her age are generally in terrible health and I can't see my mother doing the cougar thing or why someone, maybe 60, that was similar or better in health would be attracted to my mother and the gazillion pills she now has to take to stay reasonably healthy.

Maybe think of it this way. It has been nearly a year and you believe this is still too soon and many people would agree with you but when will it be okay and what if he is sitting in the corner 15 years from now? You and your brother will be moving out soon, and the childless time your parents thought they would share is now gone with your mother. Say he waits 5 or 10 years, what if the woman that would have made him happy he never meets because he kept waiting until it was okay with YOU to get on with his life.

I know a man whose wife died of cancer, her illness was fairly short but they spoke about life after she was gone and she told him he needed to marry again because he was one of those guys that wouldn't have managed to keep living without a partner. She even knew who he would marry, his high school sweetheart had been widowed a few years before and the couples had been friends most of their adult lives. His children went ballistic when he married her, because they felt it was disrespectful to their mother when realistically it would have been disrespectful not to and have died of a broken heart. Now, you think your actions, not your feelings, your actions are justified because of your age and that of your brothers but these people were late 20s early 30s, at what point does a parent's life belong to him rather than his children?

The best way to really respect those that are departed is to live happy and full lives, not to spend the rest of your life focusing on that one moment when you lost them rather than all of the good stuff that happened before then.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 45
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/5/2010 6:39:06 PM
Men have a different coping mechanism than women. Men that are go getters tend so not sit around and cry, but try to get over, by meeting other people. You in the other hand have a different way of grieving. And that is okay. But your dad, may still love your mom, but he needs to move on with his life. And that is the way he is doing it. And there's nothing wrong with that.
 bliss.stars
Joined: 6/12/2009
Msg: 47
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/8/2010 1:04:54 PM
im sorry for your loss...

i would be pi$$ed too...however...
i would stop and think about the great love between your parents...
im assuming your mother had been sick for a while, which would lead to my next assumption - they probably talked about this subject. there are probably many things they discussed that nobody will ever know about.

keep in mind that your father did stop dating a woman that your family did not approve of. so in a way, your dad is being respectful while going about his business.

his actions could very well be his way of grieving...
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 48
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/8/2010 2:38:45 PM
What this has me thinking is that - I'm not that interested in widows or people who feel a deep loss or regret over their spouse. I don't think they would make good partners for me.

But neither those who got divorced and feel a deep sense of resentment and bitterness toward that.
 Who says
Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 49
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/8/2010 8:26:44 PM
I really feel for you, in a way you must feel like you lost both parents.

I wish you and your brothers , and I guess your father, too, all the best.

I do believe everything happens for a reason, even if many times we can't see why at the time.
 WesternWildRose
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 50
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/8/2010 8:53:34 PM
OP... I would be royally pissed off with any choice my EX hooks up with and tries to replace me as 'Mom' to my children.

now... your Dad... it is really his business who he sees and how he conducts himself.

if he is endangering you or your brother with the women is he seeing when he brings them into the family home, you have grounds to be very concerned....his priority should be your safety in the home.

as for the mourning period...well that really depends on the indivdual, he is a certified counsellor, perhaps he has a better understanding on how to handle grief and how to re-adjust his life after the passing of his spouse.

my former father in law was married 4 times... I shook my head when he got engaged to wife #4, a year after wife #3 died.
He was a lonely man... a man who needed companionship. He was happiest when he was with people, with his family and his wife.

Can you find fault in your father living his life and being happy, content?
You have to let go an allow him to re-adjust to his new status.

Being a Widow or Widower does not mean to stop living, crawl under the blankets and die a slow death.

You and your brother have to realize your father is an adult and can make his own choices without your approval.
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 51
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/8/2010 11:26:09 PM
Ok dad needs to sit this verey little gril down and tell ok I will do things your way but on the other hand if your making these rules thier is rules for the lady of the house, you will have all the responablities your mother had running the house all so if I have any funtions like company parrties to go to you will go with me. As for sex I will just out and get any old hooker to take care of that part of my life.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 55
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/16/2010 10:04:34 AM
He may have felt really lonely during the time when your mother had cancer.
He may have put all his energy into comforting her.
Now that she is gone he is lost, do not judge him now, he needs something for himself too.
I find it incredibly sadening to think of people who judge other people in mourning.
YOu have no idea what this man has went through. You said yourself that he was there for your mother when she needed him. He has already proved his love for her. She knows that he loved her! It is not your place to measure him now.
Try to look at him as a person that has been suffering also.
Why not say something to him like it hurts us to see other women around here can you give us some more time? This will address your needs but not put him in a place of shame.
 smalltowngirl0
Joined: 6/13/2008
Msg: 56
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/18/2010 10:26:03 AM
amanda,
i so feel for you, my daughter lost her step dad, whom she was very close to five years ago.

however, the fact that your mom was ill for some time and the surviving family members had time to accustome themselves to her comming death is much easier to handle from a grieving point, than a sudden, didn't see it comming death.

he will need to go thru all the steps of grief, including anger at why she died. it is normal to do this.
he may, (as another poster said) be unwilling to be alone, and wants someone to interact with.
just be there for your dad.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 57
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/18/2010 12:33:33 PM
I think your father is probably just very hungry for affection and contact with women his age. I think this is logical and natural.
I also think it's very logical and natural for you to feel resentment over it. Although I have not yet had to go through what your family is, I can see both sides from other things I have had to deal with.
Chances are, what is happening here, is that your father's pain and hunger for contact is blinding him to the kind of considerations he SHOULD have for your sensitivities. I would expect that your sense of loss might make you want to have your family close ranks and comfort each other, and his going outside the family for his own comfort would make you feel cheated, in addition to having to cope with your remaining parent trying to date again.
I believe he has the right to date again, but that he will ultimately find he's doing it too soon for anything he experiences to be real and lasting.
I also think that he should IN NO WAY try to force you to be a part of his emotional experiment: that is, he should keep you and your life out of his conversations with the new women, at least until there's more to it than basic dating. It's an unnecessary invasion of your privacy.
Since he did respind to your previous problem with the woman who overstepped into the family he might also be receptive to your requesting privacy limits on what he talks about with these women.
 dallas59
Joined: 3/4/2009
Msg: 58
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 1/20/2010 6:04:34 AM
I have been a widower for a year and a half and I did all that. I thought I was ready, but I found out I was in shock and numb that first year. I didn't start grieving until that next year. My husband died of a massive heart attack. He had been sick the year before he died. Give him support and love. I am back to earth now. Until you become a widower you just don't understand. I didn't.
 SBM4U2
Joined: 12/22/2009
Msg: 62
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 2/7/2010 1:39:26 PM
I don't know how old you are, but you are on this site so I have to assume that you are over 18 so with that being said, unless there are younger siblings in the house, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

You don't know what kind of relationship your parents really had. Any good parents would always put on a show for their children. It's been 4 months and you sound like you would be more happy if he cuddled with a bottle of whiskey and stopped bathing.

Leave your dad alone. He needs to get laid too
 devwill
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 64
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 10/26/2010 8:30:25 PM
I dont know if your still interested in this but I am a widowed father myself. My wife left me with a son and a daughter jan 2009. She died less than 2 months after my daughter was born. My daughter is going to be 2 years old the end of Nov. The point is I just barely started to look for someone to date, and not really for me but for my children. Though it would have been admirable for your dad to stay single and remain in mourning for you mother most people NEED someone else in their life for one reason or another. That need is what is really in question here don't you think? Your father needed something and maybe he just needed it sooner than some. I myself would have remained single simply because I doubt anyone could ever take away the pain I have inside and I dislike the idea of trying to make someone else live up to the standards of a dead person whether I meant to or not. Your father and your mother may have not clicked the same and he was just ready to move on even before she died. What ever the case it is ultimately his choice and you choose also to either allow people around you to do things you disapprove of or you choose not to allow those people in your life, bottom line.
 Ryan_is_fun
Joined: 9/26/2010
Msg: 65
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 10/31/2010 11:19:19 AM
Dating other women is his coping mechanism. Your father has buried much of his emotional pain. Be there for him, and understand that he doesn't know any better, and that he is doing the best he can based on what he knows.
 Proventus
Joined: 11/7/2010
Msg: 66
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 11/11/2010 3:12:51 PM
Hey... he loved your mother and kept his vows right? What more do you want? Maybe suffer alone for another 24 months?

I have a friend who hooked up with someone a few months of his wife's death. They were 19 when they married, loved each other to bits, and she died of cancer at 45 .

This guy owns a trucking company, has people run the office, and he drives trucks. He has always driven trucks 15 hours a day, and my sister did absolutely EVERYTHING for him. This guy can't boil water, make coffee, or even make an egg, and everyone expected him to do groceries and laundry?

I think you should back way the heck off your dad and let him live his life. It's his anyway.
 xopiper
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 67
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 11/18/2010 4:55:08 AM
There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. It seems that there is a difference in how the tow of you are dealing with loss. If you look at your father as coping with loss, rather than replacing your mother, you might be able to sympathize with him.

You might talk to him about your feelings and it might be appropriate for him to be more discreet and wait before bringing women to meet his family to respect those feelings.

There is no one way for people to deal with this situation.
 tchofclas
Joined: 12/24/2005
Msg: 68
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Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 11/25/2010 7:15:31 AM
Don't think the op has been on here in a year or two, but for what it might mean to someone else here goes. Longer ago than I care to remember, when people wee commenting on something that I felt was none of their business, a man who remarried not long after his wife's death, I came across an article on this very subject. It said men who were in happy marriages were very likely to remarry quickly, whereas those who had bad marriages would be very cautious about even dating. From what I have seen in the ensuing years, this has been very true. And I am sure if you think about situations you were familiar with, it rings true. So basically, it would seem a man who re enters the dating world/ remarry s quickly, is actually paying tribute to a wife in that it shows they had a good marriage, and he's willing to do it again. Maybe looking at it from this point of view can make it easier for some children to understand , be they young or older themselves. And really, do you really want your surviving parent to spend their life lonely and miserable? If the answer is yes, shame on you. Love, as many of us on POF know, is elusive, and an opportunity to be happy may never come again. Carp Diem!
 JoseMadre
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 69
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 2/10/2012 9:51:17 AM
Old topic, but if anyone is reading it....

My dad took care of my mom, who died of cancer in May 1996. By December he was remarried. Until I lost my wife, who died in an auto accident but who suffered a long time ailment, I did not understand. Your dad knew your mom was leaving. While caring for her, he did a lot of his grieving. That he sought out companionship quickly is a testimony to your mom, because if she had not been a wonderful lady he would have been jaded to the idea of a relationship.
 dad2stay
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 70
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 2/10/2012 1:30:17 PM
Your father deserves to be happy and deal with HIS loss any way he sees fit, mind your own business
 SuedN1
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 71
Widowed father already talking to new ladies
Posted: 2/10/2012 2:15:55 PM
First, my sympathies. I am a widowed mom with children that all live at home. Lost my husband of twenty years suddenly in a work accident. I am fortunate in that my children ( aged 9 to 20) all support me in dating again. I believe it is apparent to them that the possibility of loving someone else in no way diminishes the love I had for their father. You don't STOP loving the one that's been lost---you love in ADDITION to, not unlike a parent does when another child is added to the family. The love you have for the first one does not diminish, the love multiplies ( although I do not mean to suggest that the adult type relationship is in any way "childlike").........I only mean it is not disloyal to be ready to date and perhaps find some hope for the future.

I will also say it has been difficult since my late husbands family does not want me to date or perhaps marry again. I've met countless people who had ideas about how "a widow" should act and who were offended for various reasons that to me seemed silly. (like I didnt wear black, wait "long enough to date", etc)........ It was such a burden being deluged with everyones "opinons" of how I should look ( lose the long blonde hair --you're a widow now!), act, and even dress. I had to make sure the ONLY people whose opinion mattered was my children who are young and still live at home.

I understand your hurt--Im living your hurt from the proverbial other side. I would just ask you please----please dont make your father feel guilty for being alive and not wanting to be alone. Perhaps seek counseling that will allow you to work on your grief---your hurt is understandable---but using it to keep your father from the life he apparently seeks could alienate you from each other.

Just my thoughts as a widowed mom trying to find my way down this most difficult path.....

My best to you.
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