Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 27
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Yes, a partner not being attracted to me is enough to break things up. Sex and attraction are a major part of a relationship, and a major part of how I feel about myself. If I know he'd rather I put a bag over my head or cover most of my body, how can I feel good about myself or about our physical relationship. As well, body/face/mind/heart/values are all part of a person, it would be necessary for him to value, respect and find all of me and attractive and vice versa in order for me to be happy in that relationship.

I don't find this scenario completely off the wall. There are lots of reasons that someone could suddenly find his/her partner unattractive after a period of time, including change of appearance and change of feelings themselves.

There are lots of reasons that people will be with someone they don't completely love as well. My ex told me I wasn't attractive enough and we split up. Now he wants me back--I don't believe he loves me any more now than before, and I don't believe he thinks I'm more attractive than he did before we split up. He just wants to lucrativity of being in a relationship with a woman who has a child, both of whom dote on him and make him feel like a hero. I'm responsible, pay my bills, have a lot of ethics and I put a lot of effort into making him happy and giving him a good life. THAT'S what he finds attractive not me.

I just thought I'd share that experience for some of the people who think that it's unlikely that a person would choose a relationship with someone they find unattractive. Sometimes shit happens.

Nutt
 1Keith7
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 28
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/5/2010 9:22:57 PM

I said he wasn't the MOST attractive guy, still attractive to me because of the total package!!!
Well, the question is: Were you able to tell him as you saw it? That he wasn't the most attractive guy? That you found other men more attractive than him? Or did you lie to him often that he is...and that his gaining weight was cool, and that his bad manners etc etc were ok?
Where is the honesty in the relationship? Most women always "cry" for honesty from men but more often than not, they (and some men too) are hurt when it is presented to them.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 29
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/6/2010 10:02:20 AM



I said he wasn't the MOST attractive guy, still attractive to me because of the total package!!!
Well, the question is: Were you able to tell him as you saw it? That he wasn't the most attractive guy? That you found other men more attractive than him? Or did you lie to him often that he is


I think that's not an appropriate attitude. There is no need for comparisons, and attraction is a personal preference--my girlfriends are not at all attracted to the men I think are physically attractive. It's all in the eye of the beholder.

The point shouldn't be that your partner isn't the most attractive person and I would NEVER say something like that to a man. The point should be that you ARE attracted to your partner, and you SHOULD tell your partner you think he looks great or that he's a great lover or whatever it is that makes him/her attractive to you.

Attraction isn't all about physical appearance, after all. It's based on a whole set of qualities which means that a person doesn't have to be a 10 out of 10 physically in order for you to find him or her attractive.

Not being a jerk doesn't make anyone a liar.

Nutt
 sonofabiscuit2
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 30
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/6/2010 1:11:16 PM
At one point in my marriage I also was not attracted to my now ex-wife. I loved her dearly, but I wasn't attracted to her. The problem was that I have a condition that lowers my sex drive. It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to her, it was that I wasn't really attracted to anyone. She however took my lack of sex drive, my lack of interest at all to mean I thought she was too fat. Sure she'd put on weight, but once I was diagnosed and started taking my testosterone, I was back in the saddle.

The truth is that I think even if a person isn't suffering from a medical condition they can indeed be in love and not be attracted. Love isn't all about physical attraction.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 31
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/10/2011 10:50:48 AM
^^ Falling in love with someone makes you physically attracted though, or is at least an integral part of it.. I honestly can't comprehend how it could be otherwise. Like, I can love a friend.. but that doesn't mean I want to be sexual/physical with them.

As for the outlined scenario.. I don't care that he supposedly loves me, if he straight up told me he wasn't attracted to me? My ego could not take that. I would also assume that he would cheat on me at some point, no thanks. This could never work for me.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 32
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/10/2011 11:00:58 AM
Well it's nice to be honest, but why would someone find it necessary to tell their
spouse of 8 years who they claimed to love that they didn't find them attractive?
I would think the fact they loved them would mean they loved everything about them.
How can you love someone and have sex with them if you're not attracted to them?

Yeah, I'd not like being told that. I'd certainly be looking at my spouse differently if
I knew he didn't find me attractive.

This is an example of how being "brutally honest" doesn't always work.

I had to kind of laugh at the posts claiming the guy was looking beyond her looks
to find love with her. Really? So he went out of his way to date and marry someone
he didn't find attractive because he liked her personality and he deserves a medal?
I'd be okei with that if he wasn't claiming to still not be attracted to her after 8 years.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder they say. The guy seriously looks at his wife 8
years later and doesn't find her attractive and then tells her so? Doesn't sound like
love to me.

Yeah, yeah, I'm all about honesty too. Especially the type that causes pain.
Oh yeah.
 smokincigars
Joined: 3/25/2010
Msg: 33
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/10/2011 11:15:30 AM
In my personal experience, love adds to a partner's attractiveness. If the man in your scenario doesn't find his wife attractive, something is wrong ... but it might be nothing more than miscommunication because he doesn't express himself well.
 Kariann71
Joined: 4/26/2011
Msg: 34
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/10/2011 11:48:15 AM
Withut attraction there is no passion. Without passion, well... What's the point?
 tnmom66
Joined: 3/10/2011
Msg: 35
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/11/2011 10:25:22 AM

You have been married to this man for 8 years now. He makes you happy. He loves you - deduced from his actions/behavior etc. He is all what you want except that he has told you that he doesn't find you attractive. He hasn't asked you to do anything per se to change your appearance. He just doesn't find you attractive.
Now the question is:
Is this offensive enough to want to break it off?
Does your partner has to find you attractive for them to love you?
In fact is the "attractiveness" part necessary at all?


I have just started looking at dates of these threads and I see that this is old, but people are still reading it, so i'll comment.

I would say that if the "lack of attractiveness" is keeping the couple from having a happy sex life, then it is a huge problem. I think if you love some one, they will be attractive to you. People do not have to be attractive to an objective outside observer to be attractive to the one they are loved by.

If this woman is getting the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" story or "I just don't find you attractive anymore, but I still love you", something is really wrong.

I know a man who divorced his wonderful wife because he was no longer "physically attracted" to her, and he went after another, hotter woman. Well, the hot woman dumped him, his wonderful ex-wife is now married to somebody else, and he said he felt like he should have the word "FOOL" tattooed on his forehead.

Anyone in this situation should read Michele Weiner-Davis' "The Sex Starved Marriage". or "The Sex Starved Wife" and seek other help where ever possible. and get some advice on how to improve your appearance. If you have gained 50 pounds or changed in some other way (other than natural aging process), try to make yourself look as good as possible at all times. Many people (men and women) "let themselves go" after marriage and the laziness reflects a lack of consideration for their partner.
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 36
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/11/2011 10:33:16 AM
um, this is not a real marriage. it sounds to me more like this guy needs a mommy to do his laundry, cook for him, and keep the house. this is a bull shit marriage, and i'd be out of there in a second. who'd want to be married to someone that wasn't crazy about you?
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 37
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/11/2011 11:05:58 AM
A few years ago I meet a guy online, he didn't have a posted picture...when I physically saw him my heart sank. But in the course of spending a few days together and seeing he was in fact the person I had gotten to know I found myself more and more attracted to him. When we said goodbye, (he wasn't able at that point to be in any type of relationship due to baby momma being mentally ill and had to provide for his child) I thought he was the best looking man alive.

So I think it depends on which eyes you are viewing the person with...the ones in your head or the one in your heart. If you truly love and care for someone...they will be attractive to you.

Maybe the guy is gay and just doesn't know how to explain why he finds you unattractive is based on you not being a guy.
 Honcho
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 38
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/11/2011 12:12:17 PM
Have you taken into consideration that just perhaps you have become a slob and let yourself go? How long has it been since you visited a beauty parlor? Do you ever wear clothes that he would consider sexy, like (depending on age, etc.)a mini skirt or a blouse that shows some cleavage? Are you one of those who possibly goes to bed with your hair in curlers, your cotton gown on, and cold cream on your face? There is a lot to consider here. He must have found you attractive 8 years ago???? You say in essence that the love is still there but the attraction is gone, then WORK ON IT GIRL!
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 39
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/12/2011 11:36:41 AM
you know.. i have been in relationships with men who were.. not so attractive.. in fact one guy looked like Santa claus.. Imagine that NAKED!

BUT.. he smelled good.. kissed good.. he had nice ears?.. i dunno

there was still chemistry somewhere! and friendship!

As I get older..I assume.. physical beauty is fading from us ALL!.. we will have to be attracted to attributes instead. If i happen to be in a relationship at 80.. do NOT tell me that i will be with a HAWT guy.. nor will my tube sock like boobs will be sexy!..

Depending on WHY she is not attractive.. she may need to step up her game.. Has she totally let her self go or something.. gained 300 lbs?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 40
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/12/2011 11:37:45 AM
You have been married to this man for 8 years now. He makes you happy. He loves you - deduced from his actions/behavior etc. He is all what you want except that he has told you that he doesn't find you attractive. He hasn't asked you to do anything per se to change your appearance. He just doesn't find you attractive.

Sounds like he has low-standards for being in a relationship.... or he's really not happy and is just a big-time passive-aggressive type: Not liking confrontation, and outwardly expressing themselves in a convincing positive way (actions/behavior), but underneath, it's actually negative. It'd definitely be why he wouldn't outline what she needs to do about her looks, etc -- as that brings up conflict and strong confrontation.

The gal shouldn't take it as offensive though -- she could have easily "let herself go". A gal should not react like he's criticizing her dance moves and is purely being critical and how-dare-he. Especially if he is being nice about it.

Yes, your partner has to find you attractive to be in full-love with them. But I will say that if they were already in full-circle love and their attraction worn away over time, in a committed relationship, that person can still make themselves attractive again, and should if it is about letting themselves go. Feelings go up and down over time -- the attachment & bonding still keeps a lot of the love there, but yeah, full-circle, you gotta pay attention to the attraction thing to some degree, otherwise, no matter what the other person says, the other dimensions of love will fade away.

Attraction is necessary. We become less picky about physical attraction after we have fallen in love with someone and bond very well with them. Each person varies. But if you get to the point where you don't find them physically attractive -- yes, it's a ticking time bomb for a breakup -- especially if the other person is looking good/better.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 41
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/12/2011 7:40:02 PM
I heard that one before. It can cause a break up in most cases. I dealt with this from experience
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 42
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/13/2011 4:00:57 AM
This is kind of a funny topic really isnt it?

Of course we SHOULD have countless zillions of people who NORMALLY claim that looks shouldnt matter, that preferring a partner to be attractive to you is "shallow" etc all saying "hell no, whats the problem"

But the reality of the situation is that its never gonna happen because it IS important

Really the marriage is kind of an upgraded FWB

Maybe slightly different benefits, but not a "real" relationship unless BOTH people have very low sex drives and libidos are just dont enjoy sex or being or feeling "attractive" with a partner

Realistically though, if they have spent the last 8 years plus the dating time before that "thinking" they thought they were attractive and have only recently found out they didnt its obviously not that big a deal within the relationship otherwise they never would have ended up being married or the marriage would have ended sooner

So the only "real" problem here is she has found out that he doesnt see her as she "thought" he did. Boo hoo to that. She has just join the other countless billions of people on the planet who also assume theyre more "perfect' in the eyes of their partner than they really are from both genders

As for her "not being married to a gay man" unless shes a mind reader or psychic she really wouldnt know this

Concepts like gaydar and being able to "just tell" are vastly overstated, So is the value of "attraction" for some people

Infact its not unknown for someone to "marry safe" to somebody who ticks all the boxes except sex appeal due to infidelity caused by a steady bombardment of temptation being a very common cause of marriages ending

If everything else except this is just peachy in her marriage why is she complaining? Its instantly doing much better than most anyway
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 43
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/12/2012 8:12:15 AM
Men say the stupidist stuff sometimes... that doesn't at all come accross as how they meant it.

Looks fade... familiarity breeds contempt... etc etc.

If he is in love as you say... then he is blind to the things that are not all that important to him...

For all I know she has gone from 135# to 300#+??? Who cares and it doesn't really matter!!! HE LOVES HER... isn't that enough? If she can do things that he is going to be attracted to in her great... but don't screw up the things he already loves about her in the process.

Anyone who would destroy an 8 year old marriage because their spouse is open and honest (even if not put in the best way) should get their head examined... she doesn't deserve him!
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 44
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/14/2012 10:45:30 PM
Some of the most amusing threads are the ones several years old that are suddenly getting answers again like it started yeaterday...

Okay, it's a good idea to always go through all the pages and at least find any extra clarification from the OP... Here's what I got out of it: The guy didn't say "I don't find you attractive" . He had a debate w his wife about qualities important in a relationship, she kept insisting physical atttraction was a top priority, he insisted it wasn't. To make his point he informed her that they wouldn't be married if it was just about physical attraction and even said something like "I'm sure neither of us is the most attractive the other dated."

So basically, she's not the prettiest woman he dated... nor does he believe he is the best looking guy she's ever dated. That doesn't mean she's NOT attractive. I would see this as a benefit. If I was chosen over a prettier woman with the understanding that I had more to offer in the long run... that's a good thing.

So, YES, physical attraction matters... and no, I don't intend to keep the "hottest" guy I find, I intend to keep the hottest guy I'm compatible with and fall madly in love with... I hope in the years between this being posted and now, that wife pulled her head out of her a$$ and saw what a great man she had.
 dazzd_n_confuzzd
Joined: 1/20/2012
Msg: 45
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/15/2012 11:26:37 AM
yes it is a cause for concern.
 kja71
Joined: 12/21/2011
Msg: 46
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/15/2012 11:39:38 AM
This happened to me. My EX loved me but wasn't attracted to me...I can tell you that no matter what I did it didn't work. It was just an excuse. Ultimtely that ruined my selfesteem.... Upside, is now I'm divorced and I realized that I'm not so unattractive and don't have problems meeting men. I'm much happier and so is my ex...DOn't get me wrong, I hate his guts for making me feel that way, and am glad he's GONE!!!
 Ocee
Joined: 3/5/2012
Msg: 47
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/15/2012 2:07:54 PM

Some clarifications:
1. The SEX I understand is still frequent and good.
2. The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
3. The guy doesn't harp about it on a daily basis. Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!


She's over reacting.

Ask her how she'd feel if he'd said...

"I don't much like you, but you're the prettiest woman I could get."

...that would be cause for concern.
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 48
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/16/2012 1:32:55 PM
If you ask for an honest opinion and you get an honest answer why are you hurt? Would you rather someone lie to you? I can love my SO and not be attracted to her. At the same time my love makes me attracted to her. Basically he is saying he has dated women who were far more attractive. Some compare a woman's attractiveness to a man's wallet. Even if you compared it to a man's attractiveness. I know with relative certainty that I'm not the most attractive nor the wealthiest man my exes ever dated. Including their other options.

That compliments my character and shows they loved and cared about me for me.
 shygirl413
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 49
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/16/2012 2:51:43 PM
It is great he is honest. If he once was attracted to you and is not now its probably a weight issue, I have talked to dozzens of men who look elsewhere becasue there wife is heavy and they find them not attractive anymore. There is nothing you can do if he is not attracted to you. Find out why though
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 50
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/16/2012 5:12:53 PM
""She's over reacting.

Ask her how she'd feel if he'd said...

"I don't much like you, but you're the prettiest woman I could get."

...that would be cause for concern.""

It would be another cause for concern. Interesting that a man said this, but does he really believe it? Men's heads are built on swivels, always looking for the next prettiest thing, very visual and most often contemptuous of women who don't, in their opinion, look good, including their wives. So yes, it's a reason to end the relationship... it'll end anyway as soon as someone he does find attractive looks back at him.

But let's say, for the sake of argument, that he never does have the desire to stray... it's still very important for women to feel attractive to her husband/ boyfriend... if she knows he's not attracted to her she will start looking for someone who DOES find her attractive... as some of the other female posters have done.

So either way the relationship is doomed.
 SE300
Joined: 7/5/2012
Msg: 51
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/25/2013 12:05:51 PM
Its such a shame that most of the women here will end this relationship because of this comment. There is no such thing as perfection these days. Even though most people seek it. If your whole point in marriage is being the prettiest in your partners eyes, then you are doomed to fail. They telling you that doesn't not mean they are telling the truth.
And in any case, don't ask for an honest opinion and then be angry when it is given.

And besides, most women don't consider themselves "contently beautiful" because they will always try the next new beauty gimmick to come on the market.

IMHO it will be absolutely stupid to end this relationship based on that. Wonder why most men don't marry the most beautiful woman they date? Think about it.....!
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?