Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 51
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

does he love her?

does he respect her?

is he loyal to her?

does he take care of a provide for her?

if he does all these more important things, then he is also entitled to his opinion.

MHO......She would be a fool to get a divorce.

Clearly to the subject of OP's post...love, respect, loyalty and all that jazz is meaningless if she's not considered attractive.

Clearly.
 sharpie64
Joined: 6/11/2009
Msg: 52
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:56:50 AM
Your partner does not have to find you attractive to love you. The “his point of view” reverse of that is “I can only love women I’m sleeping with”. That would label him as a bit of a narcissist. There is also a difference between being “attracted” and “seeing someone as attractive”. One is an adjective, the other is a noun.

The only question left for this woman is: Can she be happy in this relationship as it exists now? If the absence of sex leaves her feeling alone or if she needs the feelings that come with being lusted after then she might want to make other plans. If she sees the relationship is only half full then its time to get a full one. I don’t think this is all that unusual a situation especially among the 40+ members of America. There are people who are perfectly happy in a mutually sexless relationship. To each his/her own.
The one solution to this I’ve never liked was when one or both members of this relationship go out and have affairs. Then you hear the “ Oh it’s OK. He/she doesn’t mind. We have a open relationship” or “ they forced me into it”. I don’t know. It always seemed like the coward’s way out to me. Please people, have the courage to break it off and THEN move on if need be.

Peace
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 53
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:06:25 AM
8 years together and he doesn't find her attractive?? I don't get it, nor do I believe it. To say something like that to your partner is needlessly cruel, and should get you tossed out the door.

There is a word for someone of the opposite sex that you care about deeply, and yet don't find them particularly attractive personally...friend. You can be with someone that may not be empirically attractive by most standards, but to be intimately involved in a LTR there would have to be something that you personally find attractive in her/him, or else you're just fooling yourself, and likely waiting for something better to come along.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 54
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:17:22 AM
OP...........not sure why they would have gotten married, if he didn't find her attractive.
Is this like a Will & Grace scenario, a brother/sister or roommate situation? If the relationship was previously based on physical attraction as well.........I would start wondering if he is having an affair!!! What does he do to make her feel loved and is there any type of affection? Lack of major info here.......
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 55
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:22:55 AM
I have dated several men that I did not find particularly handsome, but was attracted to so many things about them as men that they became attractive to me as a whole person. As someone stated earlier, attractiveness to some is physical appearance, as is chemistry. Attractiveness and chemistry to me are not largely based on a man's appearance.
 wacowboy3
Joined: 6/26/2008
Msg: 56
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:34:58 AM
Some clarifications:
1. The SEX I understand is still frequent and good.
2. The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
3. The guy doesn't harp about it on a daily basis. Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!
With the above information I find that most have missed the boat on this one in my opinion.
I have found in my relationships that there has to be some attraction. Now granted we are not all movie stars in the looks department,or model potentional, but I do believe that we all need to have an attraction to our S/O for real love to come into play. I think where real attraction comes in, it's a combination of looks and inner beauty. I have also found that if the relationship ends the attractivness fades also . The person we used to find attractive is no longer attractive to us because love is no longer there , either from growing apart, past hurts that come to mind, or things we have over looked in a relationship because we were in love.
So my answer is that yes I think she is over reacting, but the guy should have been more sensitive to her. I would not have said , that I dont find you attractive , rather that granted we are not movie start beautiful, I find you attractive because of your inner beauty. Your inner beauty makes up for any faults that we all have . I have found that someone that is movie star beautiful often lack the inner beauty that makes them truly beautiful . Steve
 justwant2no
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 57
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 10:52:50 AM

The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!

A FAR cry from 'DOESN'T find you attractive!'
I agree with BDJ. Frankly if my SO told me we were only together because he found me 'physically' attractive, I'd be PISSED! Beauty fades, pretty lady, you'd better have something to back it up - and be glad your man appreciates THAT. I don't care how gorgeous you (think you) are, even silicone boobs droop eventually - and you won't always be able to bounce quarters off that tight bottom! Seriously OP, your 'friend' should drop to her knees in gratitude that her man thinks more of her than 'just a pretty face!' (And while she's down there. . .)
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 58
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:03:37 AM
It's a far cry from saying you're butt ugly but I love you despite the fact you scare the neighbourhood dogs. It's one thing to have a discussion where it's acknowledge that neither of you are in the running for the worlds 10 most beautiful people but another to have a discussion that would deliberately demean your partner. I don't see this as a case of the latter.
 InkyP
Joined: 10/27/2009
Msg: 59
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:32:50 AM
I would like to see a show of hands of those people out there that could have 1. frequent and good sex if they were NOT attracted to the other person.

This statement is also very ambiguous "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!

Let's break it down, (if it was just due to attractiveness) sounds like a statement of BEING ATTRACTED as ONE of the qualities.

It also has a generalization: (ever dated) now he is not the smartest person at MIT for saying this. We don't know if he was stoned or high on crack when he said this either. Did she have a gun pointed at his head wanting only the truth? Since we don't know the context in which it was said I cannot grasp what was meant.

Now if he was on top of her laying some pipe and said that, then yes she probably could come away with the "you think I am trailer trash now?" thought but he probably couldn't ride her the full 8 seconds after saying that.
 EmotionallyDetached
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 60
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:35:19 AM
Could it be that the person once found the wife attractive at some point and the wife "let herself go"? That happens sometimes that after sometime being married, women relax too much that they start getting sloppy.

I see no reason to divorce someone for this. Like I said, possibility is that the person has let their self go and really think about what they are feeling about themselves, as a sloppy appearance is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. If he is treating her good and he makes her happy, SHE might not see anything wrong with her appearance. She would, however, have to think about what he has said to her and start thinking about his happiness. If he hasn't told her to fix her appearance, that is not a biggie. It was sufficient with him telling her that he didn't find her attractive and that should have inspired her to ask questions about how he felt (digging a little deeper) and what would he like to see. I don't find this to be a shallow thing. The fact that she didn't care to ask what his feelings were with respect to a change, was his answer. He probably feels that she doesn't give a shit about herself.

The last thing a man wants to do is put a bag over his wife's head while he is making love to her, if in fact, he can bring himself to do it. I can imagine what the answers would be if this thread were about the wife telling her husband that she didn't find him attractive, then it would be okay. There was a reason why the husband was attracted to her in the first place.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 61
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:38:52 AM

"We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
How on earth is that saying he doesn't find her attractive??? He saying that he loves her for far more than simply her looks.. Sheesh.. Some women!!!
 Eyes O Blue 2
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 62
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:50:14 AM
The woman brought it up and maintained it was the MOST important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was JUST due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!


He didn't say he didn't find her attractive, he was simply disagreeing that attractiveness was the most important characteristic .

Geez Louise !
 acuddler
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 63
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:51:00 AM
A person can't love you unless they find you attractive on some level. The attraction need not be physical/sexual, but if the one who finds you sexually unappealing/ physically un-attractive is a spouse, the marriage is in danger if not actually doomed. This sounds like The Seven Year Itch thing...The Grass Is Always Greener Elsewhere Syndrome. After being together, familiarity breeds boredom if not actual contempt. The non-attracted one has spoken up, which is good. It gives the unattractive one the chance to get attractive. Sometimes a new hairdo/color, or fresh lingerie/sex games, will help. New clothes, new behaviors, new hobbies, etc, may help, too.

When most people 'fall in love', they really just fall into lust, or infatuation, and these soon fade. Then there is no real love, or basic compatibility, or such, to hold them together. The unattracive one needs to find a way to generate some new lust, or new infatuation, or at least start a good friendship with the unattracted spouse. Love can grow, but does so best when helped by friendship, and compatibility. Lust can aide in the short term, but is not a long term substitute for love, friendship, and compatibility.

The unattractive one needs to start wooing the unattracted one...as if dating again. The more different her: look, dress, method of wooing, places to go on dates, etc, are from her current/past styles the better the effect will be.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 64
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:02:42 PM
he loves everything about her
the sex is great
he did not bring it up
i think she would be a fool if she left, got angry, or hurt
not every man has the wisdom to look at the whole woman, and love that woman
i know from personal experience, i spent 12 years in a relationship with a woman that would be considered beautiful by any and all standards, truthfully an exceptionally physically attractive woman,that being said her personality was not bad either,but when 5 or 6 rolled around the drinking started, by about 9 she was ugly, an awful drunk, this went on everyday,worse on the weekends,she is an alcoholic, i seperated from her, and gave her a year to stop drinking, she chose booze over me, naturally i thought we would grow old together, i loved her very much, she was a wonderful partner when she was sober, so i need not say, i was heart broken
so i would say the lesson i learned is look at the whole person, not just the physical side before you fall in love
 Roni L
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 65
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:06:28 PM
The better question for the situation should be whether he loves her. Because love goes deeper than physical attraction
 Consigliori
Joined: 1/7/2008
Msg: 66
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:25:50 PM

1. NO. It is not offensive enough for me to break it off. You don't expect him to find you attractive ALL the time.
2. He/She does not necessarily have to find you attractive to love you. Falling in love does not only happen because the person is attractive. I am talking from experience because I don't date guys just because they are necessarily attractive. Other qualities can (and usually do) take precedence.
3. See #2 above. Attractiveness is not the ONLY factor/quality a person falls in love with about another.


Post #5.
 elitemind
Joined: 12/27/2009
Msg: 67
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:35:10 PM
The good news I'm happy that I'm alive and well

The bad news, people still don't get it, or maybe they don't read all the posts


Almost every post relates attraction as looks alone now


I've noticed so many people consider attractive to be equal to good looking, yeah it's a portion of looks, but to me being attractive is all around, looks, personality, and other characteristics.



There is a difference in attractive and good looking. Attractive is a word that sums up alot of characteristics so to speak, good looking is physical appearance alone.


For instance good looks is like ordering a Meal and having a nice soothing yummy steak brought to you, attractive is having that same steak brought, but also the potatoes, and veggies.

I know probably a bad illustration but I want people to get it.

I know maybe I'm way out their sometimes my opinion does seem to differ from the majority but, to me I cannot find someone attractive unless I know more about them than what they look like.

Being good looking is all nice and dandy, but it doesn't qualify someone as attractive, just yet, you need to bring a little more to the table to earn that right.


Again this is my take on attraction.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 68
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 12:38:41 PM
~OT~ Another thread that can be reduced to one simple thing: communication problems. No need for the to bury the dead horse here, it's pretty simple: he said something, she took it entirely TOO personal and now it's a thread in public forum. (Sounds to me like she needs to dig deep and figure out why she took his comment so seriously after 8 years of marriage....that's odd.) JMO
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 69
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 1:15:49 PM
This is kind of a "duh!" question to me.
Offensive? No. Reason for divorce, yes!
And no, depending on your definition of love, someone does NOT have to find you attractive to care about your well being, and be willing to take care of you. Few of our children would have survived if that were true. It DOES make for a very discouraging marriage, however. No attraction means no loving sex, and that's killed more marriages than probably anything else I've seen in my life.
 1Keith7
Joined: 10/19/2009
Msg: 70
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:29:47 PM
A typical example of an insecure person.
He said nothing wrong. Interesting to read people saying "if he doesn't find her attractive = he doesn't/cannot love her"! May I ask if the reverse is true: " If you find her attractive = You can love her?" Nope!! What if she is horrible in all other ways?
Gee... there are so many people we come across who we find very beautiful but cannot stand their personality hence would not make for a good partner. And it is so true that most of us have dated people more attractive than ones that we settled in for LTRa.
I will be really worried and scared if my SO is with me only because they find me attractive, or even if my looks are the #1 reason (hopefully among many others) that they are with me. I would want to be wanted for more than attractiveness.
 Amitiel
Joined: 7/26/2009
Msg: 71
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:54:19 PM

I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!


In other words its okay to tell your wife of 8 years that she is not the best looking girl he ever went out with? Hmmm...I dont like it. It is not the most offensive thing I ever heard, but still a bit of a put down. I don't necessarily agree that she was looking to have her ego stroked either. Yeah she brought it up, but sometimes we just need validation that we are still wanted, desired, etc. Totally normal human nature!! Trust me, if she brought it up in that way, she is needing something from him.

I married someone that was not the MOST attractive guy I ever went out with, but I loved him and was attracted to the whole package. Do you think I EVER once told him that "your not the best looking guy I ever went out with, but hey, looks aren't everything...can you pass me the butter"????

If there is no attraction/no chemistry, then it is just a friendship. I don't really believe the man in the original story is not attracted to his wife.
 whenwillthiswork26
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 72
view profile
History
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:08:16 PM
People seem to fall in love with ugly people all the time.
Just look around at couples you see.
I have known guys who confided in me that they didn't find
their girlfriends attractive but loved them just the same.

I knew one man who desecribed his wife's face as "scarey looking"
but he was absolutely crazy about her.
She was really pretty hideous looking but he went ballistic with
jealousy if any man talked to her.
 001-100
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 73
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:20:37 PM

I married someone that was not the MOST attractive guy I ever went out with, but I loved him and was attracted to the whole package.
How is this different from what the guy implied in the OP's post? And I bet if he were to have pushed this attractiveness issue with you during an argument, you would have told him. Not telling him the truth is in my opinion not being honest with him. I applaud the guy's honesty.

I, for one love guys who tell it as it is , perfect examples here on the forums being "BigDaddyJinx" and "the Rock Man". They say it as they see it even though sometimes their opinions are abrasive. I enjoy reading their posts. Refreshingly honest...IMHO.

Sometimes I think men failing to tell women the truth especially when it comes to looks, does more harm than good. If I am getting fat, sloppy, or wearing something ugly, I prefer the guy tells me than say "honey, it looks good on you" just so he doesn't hurt my feelings. We need to know the truth regardless of whether it hurts or not.
Dating/Relationship is for grown-ups. If one can't handle the truth then play the game or ask the questions.
 ooobaby 01
Joined: 10/14/2009
Msg: 74
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:28:59 PM
People can love you and then there are those who are IN love with you...... BIG DIFFERENCE. This one is the 'I love you' one and in this case I'd RUN.

I was in this situation once where I loved a man that I was with for 10 yrs but as I grew older I discovered that I was not longer attracted to him and didn't want to have that affection part at all anymore, therefore I wasn't IN love with him. But I did love him as a person but not as a spouse, so I left!!

Any man that may tell me this in my future I would be gone like the wind because I know exactly what that means~
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 75
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:57:39 PM
Yes, a partner not being attracted to me is enough to break things up. Sex and attraction are a major part of a relationship, and a major part of how I feel about myself. If I know he'd rather I put a bag over my head or cover most of my body, how can I feel good about myself or about our physical relationship. As well, body/face/mind/heart/values are all part of a person, it would be necessary for him to value, respect and find all of me and attractive and vice versa in order for me to be happy in that relationship.

I don't find this scenario completely off the wall. There are lots of reasons that someone could suddenly find his/her partner unattractive after a period of time, including change of appearance and change of feelings themselves.

There are lots of reasons that people will be with someone they don't completely love as well. My ex told me I wasn't attractive enough and we split up. Now he wants me back--I don't believe he loves me any more now than before, and I don't believe he thinks I'm more attractive than he did before we split up. He just wants to lucrativity of being in a relationship with a woman who has a child, both of whom dote on him and make him feel like a hero. I'm responsible, pay my bills, have a lot of ethics and I put a lot of effort into making him happy and giving him a good life. THAT'S what he finds attractive not me.

I just thought I'd share that experience for some of the people who think that it's unlikely that a person would choose a relationship with someone they find unattractive. Sometimes shit happens.

Nutt
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?