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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?      Home login  
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 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 41
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?Page 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I heard that one before. It can cause a break up in most cases. I dealt with this from experience
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 42
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 11/13/2011 4:00:57 AM
This is kind of a funny topic really isnt it?

Of course we SHOULD have countless zillions of people who NORMALLY claim that looks shouldnt matter, that preferring a partner to be attractive to you is "shallow" etc all saying "hell no, whats the problem"

But the reality of the situation is that its never gonna happen because it IS important

Really the marriage is kind of an upgraded FWB

Maybe slightly different benefits, but not a "real" relationship unless BOTH people have very low sex drives and libidos are just dont enjoy sex or being or feeling "attractive" with a partner

Realistically though, if they have spent the last 8 years plus the dating time before that "thinking" they thought they were attractive and have only recently found out they didnt its obviously not that big a deal within the relationship otherwise they never would have ended up being married or the marriage would have ended sooner

So the only "real" problem here is she has found out that he doesnt see her as she "thought" he did. Boo hoo to that. She has just join the other countless billions of people on the planet who also assume theyre more "perfect' in the eyes of their partner than they really are from both genders

As for her "not being married to a gay man" unless shes a mind reader or psychic she really wouldnt know this

Concepts like gaydar and being able to "just tell" are vastly overstated, So is the value of "attraction" for some people

Infact its not unknown for someone to "marry safe" to somebody who ticks all the boxes except sex appeal due to infidelity caused by a steady bombardment of temptation being a very common cause of marriages ending

If everything else except this is just peachy in her marriage why is she complaining? Its instantly doing much better than most anyway
 TOEDWY
Joined: 5/30/2011
Msg: 43
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/12/2012 8:12:15 AM
Men say the stupidist stuff sometimes... that doesn't at all come accross as how they meant it.

Looks fade... familiarity breeds contempt... etc etc.

If he is in love as you say... then he is blind to the things that are not all that important to him...

For all I know she has gone from 135# to 300#+??? Who cares and it doesn't really matter!!! HE LOVES HER... isn't that enough? If she can do things that he is going to be attracted to in her great... but don't screw up the things he already loves about her in the process.

Anyone who would destroy an 8 year old marriage because their spouse is open and honest (even if not put in the best way) should get their head examined... she doesn't deserve him!
 friendshipcomesfirst
Joined: 5/19/2011
Msg: 44
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/14/2012 10:45:30 PM
Some of the most amusing threads are the ones several years old that are suddenly getting answers again like it started yeaterday...

Okay, it's a good idea to always go through all the pages and at least find any extra clarification from the OP... Here's what I got out of it: The guy didn't say "I don't find you attractive" . He had a debate w his wife about qualities important in a relationship, she kept insisting physical atttraction was a top priority, he insisted it wasn't. To make his point he informed her that they wouldn't be married if it was just about physical attraction and even said something like "I'm sure neither of us is the most attractive the other dated."

So basically, she's not the prettiest woman he dated... nor does he believe he is the best looking guy she's ever dated. That doesn't mean she's NOT attractive. I would see this as a benefit. If I was chosen over a prettier woman with the understanding that I had more to offer in the long run... that's a good thing.

So, YES, physical attraction matters... and no, I don't intend to keep the "hottest" guy I find, I intend to keep the hottest guy I'm compatible with and fall madly in love with... I hope in the years between this being posted and now, that wife pulled her head out of her a$$ and saw what a great man she had.
 dazzd_n_confuzzd
Joined: 1/20/2012
Msg: 45
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/15/2012 11:26:37 AM
yes it is a cause for concern.
 kja71
Joined: 12/21/2011
Msg: 46
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/15/2012 11:39:38 AM
This happened to me. My EX loved me but wasn't attracted to me...I can tell you that no matter what I did it didn't work. It was just an excuse. Ultimtely that ruined my selfesteem.... Upside, is now I'm divorced and I realized that I'm not so unattractive and don't have problems meeting men. I'm much happier and so is my ex...DOn't get me wrong, I hate his guts for making me feel that way, and am glad he's GONE!!!
 Ocee
Joined: 3/5/2012
Msg: 47
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So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/15/2012 2:07:54 PM

Some clarifications:
1. The SEX I understand is still frequent and good.
2. The comment of attractiveness came about during a discussion as to what is important in forming a relationship. The man listed a few characteristics specifically excluding attractiveness. The woman brought it up and maintained it was the most important..at which point the guy said (and I quote) "We wouldn't be married if it was just due to attractiveness because I am sure you or I are not the most attractive person each other has ever dated"!
3. The guy doesn't harp about it on a daily basis. Its just this one time and she has taken it too hard (in my opinion)!


She's over reacting.

Ask her how she'd feel if he'd said...

"I don't much like you, but you're the prettiest woman I could get."

...that would be cause for concern.
 1ukn4u
Joined: 10/30/2010
Msg: 48
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/16/2012 1:32:55 PM
If you ask for an honest opinion and you get an honest answer why are you hurt? Would you rather someone lie to you? I can love my SO and not be attracted to her. At the same time my love makes me attracted to her. Basically he is saying he has dated women who were far more attractive. Some compare a woman's attractiveness to a man's wallet. Even if you compared it to a man's attractiveness. I know with relative certainty that I'm not the most attractive nor the wealthiest man my exes ever dated. Including their other options.

That compliments my character and shows they loved and cared about me for me.
 shygirl413
Joined: 2/12/2012
Msg: 49
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/16/2012 2:51:43 PM
It is great he is honest. If he once was attracted to you and is not now its probably a weight issue, I have talked to dozzens of men who look elsewhere becasue there wife is heavy and they find them not attractive anymore. There is nothing you can do if he is not attracted to you. Find out why though
 Jerilyn
Joined: 1/13/2012
Msg: 50
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 3/16/2012 5:12:53 PM
""She's over reacting.

Ask her how she'd feel if he'd said...

"I don't much like you, but you're the prettiest woman I could get."

...that would be cause for concern.""

It would be another cause for concern. Interesting that a man said this, but does he really believe it? Men's heads are built on swivels, always looking for the next prettiest thing, very visual and most often contemptuous of women who don't, in their opinion, look good, including their wives. So yes, it's a reason to end the relationship... it'll end anyway as soon as someone he does find attractive looks back at him.

But let's say, for the sake of argument, that he never does have the desire to stray... it's still very important for women to feel attractive to her husband/ boyfriend... if she knows he's not attracted to her she will start looking for someone who DOES find her attractive... as some of the other female posters have done.

So either way the relationship is doomed.
 SE300
Joined: 7/5/2012
Msg: 51
So he loves you but DOESN'T find you attractive! Cause for Concern?
Posted: 1/25/2013 12:05:51 PM
Its such a shame that most of the women here will end this relationship because of this comment. There is no such thing as perfection these days. Even though most people seek it. If your whole point in marriage is being the prettiest in your partners eyes, then you are doomed to fail. They telling you that doesn't not mean they are telling the truth.
And in any case, don't ask for an honest opinion and then be angry when it is given.

And besides, most women don't consider themselves "contently beautiful" because they will always try the next new beauty gimmick to come on the market.

IMHO it will be absolutely stupid to end this relationship based on that. Wonder why most men don't marry the most beautiful woman they date? Think about it.....!
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