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 Solar69
Joined: 1/5/2009
Msg: 53
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Agree with Taken there OP, Even if you do manage to move on how do you think this will affect your future relationships? It might be hard to explain the situation to other women, no one likes baby mama drama, especially if you have to explain the reasons behind your decisions bringing up past relationship history might turn off a few women....

But again, it's really all about figuring out how far your willing to go. Also what would ever happen if she meets a man and decides she wants to move to mexico (or someplace far away)....If you were never married not like you could take her to court for joint custody....could just be setting yourself, and more importantly her up for heart ache.

Cliche alert.......
Sometimes if you love something you got to set it free.

Best of luck to you thou hopefully it work's out and has a fairytale ending, everyone should have one make it count.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 55
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/8/2010 2:56:56 PM

It hurts more than I can ever convey in words. All my friends and workmates were "shocked" and "surprised" when it ended, as many saw me as the idyllic family-type, who had a simple (some may say mundane, or boring) but stable life. I have never told any of them just how much it hurts, knowing that my ready-made family is no more and nothing but a void remains.


Dude, vent away. I was exactly in your boat. And this last holidays were the most difficult for me ever because I could not buy the kids any gifts. And the reality is simple, I have no rights to do anything that the mother may not desire. I pretty much lost my family as well, gone forever. As yes, you will move one. Like I have moved on. And you will need to vent, go through the anger, and all the emotions and move on.
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 58
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/8/2010 4:13:57 PM
I always wondered if Halle and India (Eric Benet's daughter) still had a relationship after she left and divorced him.

Yes, children are very adapting, but I think that just because a relationship doesn't work out with the parents, that doesn't mean contact has to be cut between children and parents. If you are close to this girl and the mother allows it, then continue to see and maybe fulfill a 'big brother' type of role in her life or a secondary father figure in her life.

Just be sure that when she grows up that this doesn't turn into a Woody-Allen type of situation -you get me?

And if the woman still wants to be friends with you, I understand that and see no problem with that. But ofcourse since you're still a little bitter at her and the divorce (I can picture that in your posts) then it harder for you. Take your time to heal and recover first.

And with this, financial burdens can be hella hard so I wouldn't necissarily blame someone for jumping. For 'better or worse, sickness and in health, and richer or for poorer' but we never know how much will we be ask to accept or what to expect. She may have married you expecting an equal financial partner to ease or share some of the financial burden at some point - and after 2.5 years if that is not what she had gotten, you 'failed' her expectations or what marriage is or what what she expected a spouse to be. I can't say if whether or not this is a 'legitimate' reason for divorce, but it's certainly a common reason for divorce.


As for a new woman in your life - any woman worth her salt will understand.
I agree. But in this case probably even less women will understand because it is not his biological daughter. They may think that this bond is less of a bond or not as important because she's not his bio daughter, and therefore the bond is easily more breakable. I disagree with that.
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 59
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/8/2010 4:27:46 PM

Just remember your still young, so find a childless women who you can create you`re future with instead of settling for another man`s child.
What the f*ck is it with men and this uncanny 'ownership' thing they got going on regards to women and relationships?

Dam, 'used' women with results from another man's seed should never be able to date or have another man again

{Generally speaking}
Tired of hearing this shit about how men shouldn't be attracted to or taking care of women with another man's babies.

And yet you want childless women to look all over the fact that you got kids and hope your ass will be ripe for a child-free woman. After all, what woman in her right mind will want a man with another woman's children?


Hypocritical bas*tards.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 63
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/8/2010 5:44:05 PM

Single men who have no kids can make that choice without offending. Its the ones who are single fathers who tell others not to date single mothers who offend.


Yup..that is what I read too and I agree. Not wanting to date someone with children is a preference unless you carry on feeling a need to put her down/degrade her/call her morality into question without even knowing her but simply because she is a single mom...then it is prejudice, not preference.

Fathers who refuse to date single mothers but see themselves as dateworthy by everyone ... they are the ones that are hypocrites.
 NappyKAT
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 64
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/8/2010 6:01:24 PM
This wasn't about your 'preference' as a single man with no children (and btw - you are in a SINGLE PARENTS forum just so you know).

What I have a problem with your inherent male superiority/patriarchy with this comment
settling for another man`s child.
.

I been on these boards for a couple of months and in reading the bashing that is constantly going on about single mothers, one constant argument of single mothers is that
'no man wants to take care of another man's child'
'woman should watch who they sleep with because they are going to have trouble getting men since they bear another man's children'
'men are stupid to get with single mothers because of the baby-daddy drama that comes trying to take care of another man's children.'

Yet guys feel that, even when they have a multiple children by different women (as one guy in the 'Multiple children by multiple partners' thread said), that they shouldn't stand to be judge by that and that they are a 'good men' regardless. Men are not so judge as 'used goods' or 'errant breeders' or have to defend themselves against having 'another woman's children' to bear or take care of.

If you are single and childless/childfree in the 'Single Parents' forum, it would behoove you to read well and show a bit of empathy and objectivity to the situations here. Negative judgment abounds, especially in regards to single mothers - and such myopic thinking and inherent gender bias is usually called out - whether it is your intention or not.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 66
view profile
History
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/12/2010 3:38:43 PM

I been on these boards for a couple of months and in reading the bashing that is constantly going on about single mothers, one constant argument of single mothers is that
'no man wants to take care of another man's child'
'woman should watch who they sleep with because they are going to have trouble getting men since they bear another man's children'
'men are stupid to get with single mothers because of the baby-daddy drama that comes trying to take care of another man's children.'

Amen Nappy and while there are women who have said this thing, that would ask me why I worried about my stepson when he had a mother, which to me was just stupid. If his mother had been dead, the way I acted toward and about my stepson would have been seen as the norm but somehow because I wasn't there for the first 11 years of his life and didn't birth him that I would not also be a parent to him. Not loving my ex-husband's son is something that never occurred to me so I truly don't get this other person's kid thing because the kids are the kids of someone you love so you should feel that they are your children too.
 artdataguy
Joined: 12/23/2009
Msg: 72
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/15/2010 12:46:12 PM
OP- You aren't the only one with this issue. And wondering how to handle it. I commend you for being there. I agreee that the hardest part is finding someone who can live with you having a kid that you are dad for (and that you aren't biologically or legally) and what it means to them, as a time/money/emotional competition. Those that do, are probably not someone who even without the child being in question, is someone who would truly understand you or be on the same emotional area of the spectrum as you are.
If the girl sees you as what you are to her, and you accept that, is it wrong? No. Yes the child is adaptable, are you? Why do you have to give her up?

For the record: I have my 5 kids this weekend, and they are all my ex fiances and her ex husbands. I have them every other weekend at least, and see them every day. Her and I are not together anymore. I've known the kids for less than 4 years now, but man can you pack a lot in in such a short time. My advice follow your heart.
 himynameisSarah
Joined: 5/27/2009
Msg: 74
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/17/2010 10:58:54 PM
My son does not see his father... he's seen him twice, and I initiated both meets.

My ex was with me from two months pregnant until my son was 1 1/2 years old. We split up, but he continues to keep contact with Wyatt. He takes him out to play video games, buys on holidays and birthdays, and just took him home the other night for a sleep over with his new girlfriend. I guess to some this may seem inappropriate, but I think it's good for both of them.

Wyatt loves that man, and we both know we're not going to be together. A kid can never get too much love, period/

As long as you realize it's over, it's okay to see the child: just don't be trying to get back into mommy's pants, or she will cut off the whole thing.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 78
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/18/2010 5:12:35 PM

which will piss a lot of women off.


You know what? Any person, regardless of gender, who cannot accept that a non-biological adult might have bonded with a child from a previous relationship is a shallow person, not worthy of a man like this one. If any woman cannot respect what he is doing, she doesn't deserve a man like him.

Self-centred, selfish biatches will care, well-adjusted, confident women will respect him and not see the child as "baggage".

Children are NOT baggage!!!!!!
 BckAgn86
Joined: 12/18/2009
Msg: 79
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/19/2010 10:47:02 AM
Is the little girls biological father in the picture at all??
My advice would be to have a sit down with the mom.. I mean she obviously has to know how you being a part of the girls life for that long has attachments.. on both sides. For you and her...
You need decide if you would like to be in her life or not first I think. Then if you want to sit down with her mom and talk ab0ut it.. but if you aren't sure its gonna be something that here later down the line you aren't gonna want to stay connected with you need to cut ties now... no point in hurting everyone more..
 BckAgn86
Joined: 12/18/2009
Msg: 80
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/19/2010 10:52:15 AM
I guess I should add that I have a little boy who will be 4 this year... and I dated a guy for about a year and was close to getting married when we split. My sons biological sperm donar is just that.. hasn't ever had anything to do with him.
After we split he said he wanted to keep seeing my son... I told him that would be ok but if it wasn't going to be a lasting thing than don't bother.. for a few months he stayed faithful with it.. but dating other women broke the habit as they did see a problem with it.. and even though it has been over a year since my son saw him he is still hurting from it and I never mention my ex, but a few times a month my son will ask for him, or about him..
its a delicate situatuion but whatever choice you make you need to make the choice to stay commited to whatever decision you make.
 himynameisSarah
Joined: 5/27/2009
Msg: 81
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/19/2010 11:05:04 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
smart cookie, definitely need consistency
 amigoamante
Joined: 3/11/2004
Msg: 84
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/23/2010 3:13:20 AM
I'm in a similar situation and the topic of a breakup has come up. My suggestion is: Do what's right FOR YOU. Don't worry about the girl or the ex. Children are amazingly adaptable, especially at an early age.

I personally think your ex should be the one to break the news to her, not you. Ultimately, she's the true parent, and the child will continue to live with her, get acquainted with her new lovers/dates and learn to deal with it as well.

Good luck!
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 85
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/23/2010 3:08:55 PM
So then amigoamante, I assume you are not overly attached to the child in your life. That is all fine and good but the OP is attached. If the child is attached, the adult is attached, why should the child suffer because the adults couldn't make the relationship work?

Children are adaptable but if it happens frequently, attach and loss, they learn not to attach............because it hurts.
 hannity
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 86
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/23/2010 11:11:47 PM
You know what? Any person, regardless of gender, who cannot accept that a non-biological adult might have bonded with a child from a previous relationship is a shallow person, not worthy of a man like this one. If any woman cannot respect what he is doing, she doesn't deserve a man like him.

Self-centred, selfish biatches will care, well-adjusted, confident women will respect him and not see the child as "baggage"..


Are you kidding? What confident, independent, secure, intelligent woman with anything going for herself, would spend one millisecond dealing with a wimpering beta male, who's clamoring over a single mom and her kid whose not even his?! Women who are indepent and secure, know what they want in a man, and how they should be treated by a man. The want to be first, and they have the right to be put first especially if they have a lot going on for themselves. I know this is hard for a lot of single moms to understand, but childless men and women with no responsibilities other than their own have the right to "put their own interest first", and do "what is best for them." And the last man they want is some pushover male who is putting them second because he dated a single mom and got "attached" to her kid that she had by somebody else.

On the other hand, a trailer park dwelling, emotionally dependent, insecure single mom with 3-4 kids of her own my be more understanding of his situation.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 87
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/24/2010 8:39:05 AM
Hannity...have you watched the movie Shallow Hal? If you haven't, perhaps you should........

If you are an example of an alpha male....well I definately prefer beta males...
 jenn8131
Joined: 11/7/2009
Msg: 88
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/24/2010 1:09:28 PM
Now hannity is not only speaking for all alpha men (alpha men are probably the ones that create more single moms anyway) but now he's speaking for all successful women. That a successful woman wants to come first... now me I personally always thought that only needy women needed to come first in their relationships. I would rather just be someone's equal partner.

Hannity not everyone agrees with your definition of success, not everyone agrees with your way of thinking. Not everyone believes in the same crap you do. You cannot make people think the same way you think.
Maybe a lot of people do share the same opinions that you live ur life by but not all... you don't speak for every successful person, you don't speak for every man.
I also don't buy your definition of success by having a nice home and a fancy car... to me that is a very limited view of success.

Your word is not the be all end all.... it isn't the gospel truth of life...

definition of an alpha male: a domineering man; the dominant member in a group of males... to me alpha males don't care about the feelings of others they are extremely selfish and only motivated by their desires and wants and don't care about who they hurt in the end to meet those needs.
Don't belittle kindness, compaison, love as somehow being a weaker man. Just because you might not be able to show those traits doesn't make a man that can a lesser man than you.

To love a child doesn't make one trailor trash. And having children outside wedlock doesn't make you an insecure woman. There are many reasons a woman might choose to have a child out of wedlock. Your believes are your believes stop trying to force everyone to view the world as you do. I know you haven't convinced me.

To be honest its kind of sad how you view the world. I guess some people just like to think that they are better then other people to feel good about themselves.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 89
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/25/2010 6:42:30 AM
I have to say that reading all the responses in this thread makes me want to call up my buddy and tell him just how much I appreciate him for being a part of my son's life, for not "moving on" from him.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 90
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/25/2010 6:50:16 AM

I love my "step" kids . ( who are now both young adults), and I hope they will recognise the role I played in their lives as they come out of early adulthood.


dont' worry my friend, these kids know who loves them and who cares for them.

titles do not mean anything to kids.

they no doubt know where the love is coming from.

as my previous posts to this thread mentioned- hell i wasn't even 'step dad' and never stayed the night at my ex's place but her oldest (who's now 18) still contacts me and relies on me to help her out in life...her mom and I only dated 10 months.

point is- they know...
 seperate1
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 91
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 1/25/2010 8:07:16 AM
probably should fall back, you don't have any right to the child and if/when she meets a new guy he probably won't be cool w/you being so prevalent in the kids life and the couple's life (indirectly).


i been in this situation, the person i was involved w/was much nicer than the one your involved w/or so it seems; nonetheless it still had to end, its hard to start a relationship and have to have a potential gf work around you spending time w/your ex's kid. Of more importance is that you need to refocus on yourself and get away from that comfort zone as that will make it harder for you to move on because of how close you are to the situation.

im not saying you can't be friends w/the little girl; but it honestly doesn't work nine times out of ten, like most women say we are a package deal...an since your not w/the mom anymore you really shouldn't be w/the kid. The instances where it does work are few and far between and usually involve really nice, genuine, mature people; i don't know if your ex falls into that category based on what i read.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 93
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 2/8/2010 10:59:10 AM
Congrats to you OP! I hope things work out well for you in every way.
 Exxperienced and Cool
Joined: 10/4/2009
Msg: 95
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 2/10/2010 3:51:53 AM
I agree with FunkeeMonkee,

Dump it man. I would withdraw from the child quickly and completely. I know it really hurts from 3 yrs as you loved that child(we all love and want the best for children) but if you dump the bytch then dump the child otherwise she'll keep you on a string for when her next man is gone and no man cares to be an ear vent or victim again. You know...it's also similar to the mom who posted underneath FM, nobody should have to read up on good comments or stories for them to gain the courage and appreciation to call and thank somebody for being so good when they know they haven't done things right. If it doesn't come from within one's own self from own life's experiences then they're going to need another good pof talk to create that same thankfulness which is shalllow(nothing against her, just saying it).

You have one chance at being the best parent and husband you can be...it's up to you as to how many relationships you want to go through to get there and remember that the longer it takes you the harder with more problems it gets . You have a new woman in your life so be cautious but continually 100% for her and her kids (if she has any) so hopefully we never, ever hear of either of you back here :)!!!

Best
 hannity
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 97
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 2/10/2010 5:12:48 PM

as my previous posts to this thread mentioned- hell i wasn't even 'step dad' and never stayed the night at my ex's place but her oldest (who's now 18) still contacts me and relies on me to help her out in life...her mom and I only dated 10 months.

point is- they know...


Point is - they know....who they can take advantage of.
 Exxperienced and Cool
Joined: 10/4/2009
Msg: 98
Accepted her child as my own, 3yrs later it's over. How best to move on?
Posted: 2/10/2010 7:01:33 PM
Good for you man(THus*)!
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