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 suzey1957
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 1
initiating sex in a long term relationshipPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
this is just a question a couple has been involved in a long term relationshipe for, will say 11 years, The other partner, and we wont mention who , Has never initiated sex, Everything else is great in this relationshipe. Because their partner has not initiated sex , is this a good reason to break off the relationship and move on, what would you do
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 2
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:35:08 PM
That's a bit weird. You'd think the other party would be comfortable enough to initiate it after all that time. Maybe they need some relationship counseling.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 3
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:40:17 PM
It's about time there was a heartfelt discussion as to WHY this is the way it is. I don't think it's time to give up on the relationship, it's time to work out an issue. Why on earth would someone go 11 years in a situation such as this? Might be a two-part problem. JMO
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 4
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:37:42 PM
If "everything else in the relationship" is really "great" then I would think the simpler solution would be for the person who hasn't initiated to just start trying to initiate and see how that goes. If they refuse, then yes, an unsatisfying sex life can be enough of a reason for a relationship to break down. The important thing is that both people try their best to please the other. The person who usually initiates should recognize that the other person is trying to change things up and is at least making an effort. If that person just cannot do it (eg. no libido for physiological reasons, or mental health issues, etc.), then the initiator should be understanding, but the two of them still need to work together in solving the problem of the sex being unsatisfying for the one person. You can't just say, "oh well. Tough." This is a problem for both of you to solve. Maybe the one who doesn't usually initiates could make it a point to initiate just giving pleasure even when they are not really in the mood (oral, stimulating with hands, whatever).

It's more likely that everything else in the relationship isn't great, and this particular example is just one way that makes the initiator not feel attractive to the other partner. Making sure that the other person knows you find them attractive is one of the jobs of being in a relationship in my opinion. Basic care and maintenance to keep the relationship running. Maybe they could go see a mechanic (relationship counsellor)?
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 5
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 3:54:08 PM
They need to talk about this...my first husband rarely initiated sex, and once I got pregnant stopped completely (I was a mother at that point, lol, no longer a sexual being), and was likely to turn me down when I "put the moves" on him. So I stopped initiating sex as it became depressing to always be turned down. So sex stopped. And the relationship deteriorated completely as we both felt misunderstood, ignored and marginalized. I speculate this type of scenario is where the question comes from as to whether or not this is a reason to end the relationship...it certainly was a good part of the reason my first marriage ended.

Okay, I'll stop babbling. Anytime a person starts to feel marginalized or lose self-esteem in a relationship it's time to do something differently. Shake things up. Change the routine. If a person feels unwanted because their partner never initiates I'd guess it's time for a BIG talk for starters, and maybe time to end the relationship if talking through this with or without the help of a third party and making some changes in attitude and/or actions doesn't help the situation.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 6
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 4:07:47 PM
Not enuff info.
If a person just puts out to please the other but isn't into it....
yes, that would be an issue.

If they both enjoy it no matter who initiates it...
then it shouldn't be.
(in which case that is just an excuse given, but not the real cause of the breakup)

Like I said,
not enuff info for us to know.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 7
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 6:36:51 PM
This is an interesting subject because long term partners can go through different period in their lives where their libidos are at different places and the moment the other partner is not in sink some things can happen. I'd use my example. When I dated who became my ex wife, our libidos where very high. She would meet me at home from lunch and we would rumb, then get back into our work best and head back to work. After we got married, because most of our friends were still single and crazy, we did it like crazy. Everything was doing fine until about the 10th year. Then things slowed down at her end. I wanted to do it more than she did. But it was weird because she had a cycle of 10 days. I had a cycle of 3 days. That means I could do it every three days. But she was not in the mood until 10 days passed. What was kind of crazy, because if for instance you have a 7 day cycle, you know you wait for the weekend and everything is okay. But since it was not 7 but 10, this did not work some weekends. I didn't figure this out until years later. But it created a little problem. When you initiate and you get rejected, eventually you stop initiating. This happened about our 15th year married, when other things also began to take place, like the death of the father, miscarriages, depression, an abusive mother.

Then as the relationship completely deteriorated, there was a role reversal. I withheld, she initiated. And actually, this were the most kinky years, because as our relationship began to fall apart, the only thing holding it together was sex. She began to experiment, we would go by a lake we had, and light candles, bring brie, strawberries, candles and do all this naked, even if our neighbors could see us. It got funky for a while. But the relationship deteriorated until it died.

With my last gf. She had a libido out the jing yang. But she was ADD and took meds for it, and I believe she was also bipolar, but not diagnosed. She would go crazy about the sex for a couple of weeks and the for one week, she would start complaining about everything and withhold. Only to when the cycle was over, be overly sexual, wanting it all the time, even to an exhibitionist point where she wanted to do it in public places, hallways, parks, outside. If I was not there she would masturbate twice. Then have sex. Interestingly enough, the times that I initiated with her not being in the mood, any slight dislike on my part ended in a fight. When we got back together, during the cancer, the nadir stage of chemo causes a lot of pain in your muscles, so she needed a lot of massages. I had to block sex during those moments. I would even tell her, this is not about sex, okay. Even though the massaging was in her inner tide, legs, back, for some reason her wrist. Then, the next day, she wanted to do it in the kitchen before I went to work.

I wish there was something I leaned about all this, but I haven't figured the whole thing out just yet, other than work with your partner. If your libido is way to far off. First find out why. Believe me, the death of your father, cancer, losing your job, even moving can wreck havoc with that libido. If it still does not work. Time to move on, if that is something important in your relationship.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 8
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 7:58:18 PM
Not another "I have a cousin who has a sister who has a friend . . . who has a problem initiating sex" forum!

OP, whether you are discussing your own situation or someone else's, why ?
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 9
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:00:50 PM
Buy 2 books, a his and her copy of "The Joys of Tantric Sex" and spice it up......it sounds like the relationship has reached the plateau of "Bored of Sex with you Babe" which is yet another chapter in the lives of some people..........but just plain silly to end an 11 year relationship over.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 10
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:21:12 PM
Is the affection there? Or are we dealing with a dead shark?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 11
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 8:22:24 PM
Have you talked about this? Have you given them the time to get around to doing it? Really, way too little info.
 karma1160
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 12
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/4/2010 9:21:12 PM
Why would someone take so long to ask for what they would like?
While I definitely believe that no answer is an answer this seems too non- communicative for me to deal with. How hard can it be to practice a little bravery to make someone that you have lived with for 11 years happy?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 13
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/5/2010 6:19:09 AM

If one partner never initiates sex but is always game to have it I see zero problem. Better come up with a better reason to break it off.

Bingo. If the rest of the relationship is good at least the majority of the time and the person responds to the sexual advances of the partner, get the hell over it.

If they split, the person that has a hair up their butt about always initiating deserves all of the losers they will date after the break-up.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/5/2010 6:06:14 PM

They’ve been together ELEVEN (!) years and claim that “everything is great”

I was thinking when I read the post, why address this after 11 years, has it been a constant source of contention that has never changed? Did the other party not bother to try even though it was hashed out a gazillion times?
 suzey1957
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 15
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/6/2010 5:53:49 PM
thanks ronnie that is what i thought too
 suzey1957
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 16
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/6/2010 6:01:02 PM
how true ependa how true why throw away the relationshipe if it has lasted 11 years. maybe the one not initiating feels uncomfortable for what ever reason to initiate, could be in their upbringing aye , maybe they dont know how to go about it
 Adamantine01
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 17
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/7/2010 5:39:34 PM
If its a male partner, maybe he's a closet gay?
 Thunderstruck29
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 18
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/9/2010 6:54:42 AM
Just because they dont initiate it doesn't mean they dont want it.
I was raised in a fundamentalist household.
I wanted sex like anybody else. But I never would ask for it and in fact, I had several relationships go south becuase of that.
You see I am from Martin County Kentucky and the women there EXPECT sex on the first date, most of the time.
My social taboos kept me from doing what I wanted or even asking.
Just talk to the person about it.
 Adamantine01
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 19
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/15/2010 4:10:21 PM
Seriously, thunderstruck? Wow.
Maybe they've been conditioned by the good 'ole boys to think that's how it should go on a first date....
 iaroot
Joined: 12/14/2009
Msg: 20
initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/15/2010 10:34:43 PM
Now you know what married men feel like (go directly to hell - do not pass go - do not collect $200)
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/16/2010 12:34:11 PM
What I would do first, is ask which one of them it is who has been in a coma for the last eleven years, and why their official caretaker hasn't reported the sexual abuse from the other to the proper authorities.
Why would anyone wait ELEVEN YEARS to notice this? There is more wrong with this situation than who starts sex first.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 22
initiating sex in a long-term relationship
Posted: 1/20/2010 4:42:45 PM
If only one partner ever initiates sex, everything else is not even close to being great. It isn't so much a problem in and of itself (though that's also true) as it is a signpost indicating a much larger and deeper problem.

I would have brought this up within a matter of months, myself, if I were the initiating partner. However, regardless of how long it's been, no, I don't think just breaking it off is really reasonable, if the non-initiating partner thinks everything is great!

IMO the very first response, from farscapeprincess, covered it just fine, except I wouldn't say "maybe." This definitely calls for counseling. There are too many bad feelings built up for them to be able to mediate the discussion themselves at this point - if they try it'll just turn into a verbal slugfest.

Counseling may not solve the underlying problem, it might just make it easier to split up with less hostility, but that's okay if that's how it shakes out. I think they owe it to each other to try, anyway.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 23
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initiating sex in a long term relationship
Posted: 1/20/2010 5:41:00 PM
Can't they talk about this?

I've never been in a relationship where one of us did *all* the initiating. However, I've had conversations afterwards where we disagreed about which one of us initiated a particular encounter. Sometimes we both thought *we* did, sometimes we both insisted the *other* initiated it.

If the relationship is that good, I'd think they'd be able to talk about it. But if that truly is the only problem - I wouldn't throw it all out over that. You know how hard it is to find someone truly compatible? It ain't easy.
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