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 sushi0004
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 48
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how to respond to last-minute cancellationsPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
my take:

Proper response: Text, call or email to say you regretthat they were unable to meet you, wish them luck, and then propmtly lose thier contact info (exception to this being if they had a true emergency/good reason to flake).

How to handle philosophically: Count yourself lucky you found out they were flakes early on instead of having them be on "best behaviour" at first only to slide into flakiness some time down the line when you were more vested.
 cherryyblossom
Joined: 7/19/2009
Msg: 54
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 6:04:05 AM
it is totally b.s. to cancel at the last minute and even worse to lie about it. if they weren't interested in dating you, they should have just said it straightfoward. i do not get why people have to lie and make false promises about canceling date. it is very annoying.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 56
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 7:23:09 AM
Who ARE you people that go on a first meet expecting the other person to show up? Get a grip, folks!!
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 57
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History
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 7:30:03 AM
I'll accept one cancellation as reasonable, as things sometimes happen. However, it's then up to them to suggest and arrange another meeting, as I won't pursue them if they cancelled on me. Sometimes they do make later plans, which shows they actually are interested, and those have always gone well. Sometimes they don't, in which case I just move on. However, if anyone cancels twice in a row, they don't get another chance (unless I know for certain that it really is due to something beyond their control).

I usually try to have backup plans, just in case something like this happens. No reason to stay home and be upset - better to go out and have fun doing something (or someone!) else!
 Thunderstruck29
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 58
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History
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 7:49:59 AM
When you get stood up, you just need to chalk that person up to being a fake, flake or phoney
(for more on that check my thread on screening those characters out).

But be polite. Tell them if they want to get together sometime to let you know, but that they will have to travel to you.
I got ditched by one last Friday.
I showed up on time, she was over two hours late. Instead of going together to a restaurant she recommends a place downtown that is NOTORIOUS for being used by flaky middle age chicks to ditch dudes.
I knew before I got there how this one would turn out.
You geussed it. I waited 2 hours to ensure she was as phony as the three dollar bill I had her pegged for and left.

The next day after posting a humorous anecdote about it on a forum we both inhabit, I get a bogus text message from her 'friend' (yet from her number) claiming she didn't just stand me up, she went straight to the hospital to be with a relative, yatta, yatta, bogus yatta.

I text back that if it were true, she would have called th restaurant and paged me from a phone at the hospital in the unlikely event she couldnt just have returned my two cell phone calls from the restaurant.

LOL...
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 60
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 8:11:19 AM
I agree with whoever said plan something that you can enjoy alone. Last year I was to meet someone who lives near the beach. I figured that if he flaked and didn't show up at the meeting place, I could still enjoy the beautiful day at the beach as there was a festival going on which was an absolute surprise. But he did show up. He thought I was going to flake. I don't think you can ever know if someone is going to flake on you at the last minute. I had someone cancel a meet up recently via e-mail. Oh, well...
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 61
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 8:16:06 AM
^^^That was me. I never make plans with a guy I barely know doing something I wouldn't go do anyway. Oh who am I kidding, I even do that with people I do know. That way a cancellation or stand up doesn't change my plans, but rather a show up just adds to them. The plan is solid regardless this way.

My strategy is "I'm going to go do this. Here's where I'll be - feel free to join me."

Honestly, sometimes you'd rather they didn't show up, lol.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 64
how to respond to last-minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 11:22:35 AM


remember that you saved yourself the time & expense of a date with 4 different idiots.
Possibly, but you don't really know that yet.

Sure he does. They all texted to cancel, which is what people do when they don't want to talk to you (exception as noted previously for vomiting). None asked to reschedule right away, which is what people do when they really do want to see you.

So while there are very minor variations, it really is all the same fugue.

 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 65
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History
how to respond to last-minute cancellations
Posted: 1/29/2010 2:52:32 PM

Be a little more stringent in your screening process.
This is ridiculous advice. Pray tell how does one do this before the flake flakes, as the flaking act occurs right before the start of date?? Somebody suggested trying to trip up a flaker by asking a few personal questions before the first meet, to see if they would trip themselves up somehow. Personally I only ask questions which I feel are pertinent to setting up the first meet. Too many questions could set off someone who you might not want to set off, but then again if they are that jumpy before meeting, what would they be like after you met them?

The flaker saves the flakee time in the long run. It sort of is par for the internet dating course, just something that sort of needs to be accepted. WIP has the right sort of attitude I believe; if they flake while you're already out, just have a fun plan B should they flake.

Texting seems to be ruining meaningful communication.
Not for me. I generally don't take cell calls unless I know a call is impending. I use text messages as a way to set up and confirm calls.

how to respond to last-minute cancellations
This is the primary question of this thread. Basically I'd put the ball in their court without realistically expecting a 2nd chance. MAYBE followup with another correspondence if the flaker really struck your fancy in some way--give them the benefit of a doubt--but if it happens again that's pretty much a non-plussing behavior; someone who I don't really want to get to know. I certainly don't recommend chasing them around like a lost puppy dog.
 *Bulldog*
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 68
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:38:10 AM
OP:

Think of it this way: the VERY first impression they want to give you.. is that they are a FLAKE, and unreliable. Why would you want to pursue someone like that?

I would not WUSS out and put the ball in their court.. (like saying "cool, when is a good time to reschedule?") .. that probably just makes the girl feel better for lying to you or having low interest.

You have two options, as I see it:
1) say "no thanks, " (even to a counteroffer) "too bad," whatever, and delete her number, or;
2) ask "what are you going to do to make it up to me?" and expect the girl to ask YOU out and plan the date. If she doesn't initiate anything solid, delete her number. I will say, though, that even if you get this girl out with you, she'll probably be only good for sex so this is more of a PUA move and not the basis for a relationship.

My view is this: if a girl really likes you they'll do ANYTHING to be with you -- steal, hit, lie, you name it. Think of you going out with a perfect 10 -- you've been thinking about being with her for the past four days. You'd do anything to be with her. So being sick, being tired, visiting parents/friends, etc -- even if absolutely TRUE -- are not grounds to cancel a date. It's just a lack of interest.

One poster brought up a good point in that you should consider how you are setting these dates up (i.e. they sound lukewarm on the phone; or you're trying to set them up too quickly to the point it doesn't feel natural). Think about that. Still, this is more likely an issue with "them" and not what you're doing; the simple fact is that most girls are not dateable.
 *Bulldog*
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 72
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:50:21 AM

You also contradict your own post. On one hand you say you "would not WUSS out and put the ball in their court". Two sentences later you say "what are you going to do to make it up to me".


Hopefully one can tell the difference in saying:

"Oh sorry to hear about _____. Give me a call if you're up for something again." [Putting ball in her court]

and

"Thanks for giving me no notice. What are you going to do to make it up to me?"


And you think they're going to instantly have this feeling, before they've even met you? Remember we are talking about a first meet here.

Do you really think a guy, with the prospects of going out with a perfect 10, would cancel the date because he's a little tired and risk never seeing her again? That just doesn't happen. It doesn't matter whether they've met yet or not.

Trust me: girls that are into you (or your profile), will take every step to make sure that happens and will NOT put obstacles in their own path.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 73
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History
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/1/2010 12:16:07 PM
I don't really seeing it as "wussing out" by "putting the ball in their court". Still, I get this sentiment. When I got flaked for the first time, I took the lady's word for the truth. Then no effort to reschedule. When this happens repeatedly when someone does the last minute cancel, it's a high indicator that most who experience the last minute duck-out have come across flakes and NOT people who really had last-minute drama. I still have the "benefit of a doubt-ball in their court" attitude; hoping that someone really doing the last-minute duck-out is NOT a flaker. Stranger things have happened; but don't hold your breath waiting for those strange things to happen.
 *Bulldog*
Joined: 3/31/2007
Msg: 75
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/1/2010 1:57:59 PM

My point in all my responses here has been the same, to rephrase that one last time: one size doesn't fit all, you have to take them case-by-case. If your instincts tell you she's lying then don't waste any more time and move on. But I don't think you just take that approach and apply it blindly to everyone. One of the benefits of the Internet is that it doesn't take much time or effort to keep something going a little longer, and dating is an imperfect process by definition, so why would one expect perfection right off the bat? Recipe for frustration and failure if you have absolutely no give and take in you.

I think it comes down to one's presuppositions.

If you think online dating is a normally, or uniformly distributed spectrum of people, then you're going to get some bad apples but just as many good ones. Sure, take each case on its merits and offer those olive branches.

If you think online dating is skewed disproportionately towards people that aren't serious (already have boyfriends, attention seekers, bored) but rather are flaky, especially picky, and emotionally scarred, then any erratic behavior is a major red flag and consoling these people is just a waste of your time.

It comes down to weeding out the time wasters -- my view is that there are significantly more of them out there than you.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 76
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/1/2010 6:19:13 PM
I had someone cancel at the last minute - 30 minutes before we were supposed to meet. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he had car problems and sent him a message the next day whenever he was ready to schedule another time would be fine and showed concern for his car troubles. He never replied - 6 months went by and he resurfaces telling me he really screwed up, and gave me a big sob story. I saw the disappearing act and excuses to be a bad sign and believe I dodged a bullet. In this day when there are so many different ways to stay in touch, someone has to choose to drop off the face of the earth. I can't be with someone who makes a regular practice of it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 77
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/1/2010 8:12:03 PM

Do you really think a guy, with the prospects of going out with a perfect 10, would cancel the date because he's a little tired and risk never seeing her again? That just doesn't happen. It doesn't matter whether they've met yet or not.

Maybe it's me, but I can't determine that a guy's a 10 unless/until I have met him already, the prospect of it isn't enough to blow off plans I already made with someone else, or when something legitimate comes up. A guy I've never met doesn't have any level of priority over people and things that are already part of my life.

Once I have met him and determined he's really a 10 (for me anyway), then things take on a slightly different priority.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 78
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/1/2010 8:47:24 PM

Do you really think a guy, with the prospects of going out with a perfect 10, would cancel the date because he's a little tired and risk never seeing her again? That just doesn't happen. It doesn't matter whether they've met yet or not.

Trust me: girls that are into you (or your profile), will take every step to make sure that happens and will NOT put obstacles in their own path.

I have to totally agree with you on that Bulldog. It doesn't matter whether they've met you or not -- if they find you hot in your profile (even if they have cautious feelings about not getting too carried away) -- they will want to meet you.

Being "too tired" won't be an excuse.

The perfect barometer for interest is how easily they can be distracted away from you. Too tired? To meet you for the FIRST time, last minute? That means they're not interested... if they WERE having a tired day, they'd meet you if they had real interest... they'd WANT to meet you.

If someone says they wouldn't think of someone as a hot commodity before meeting them -- so be it -- then you're not interested in people before meeting them (which begs the question -- why even meet them?).
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 79
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/2/2010 6:58:02 AM
If someone says they wouldn't think of someone as a hot commodity before meeting them -- so be it -- then you're not interested in people before meeting them (which begs the question -- why even meet them?).

I assume that someone would be me.

The answer to that is that after you meet a couple guys you thought would be your type until you get there and find out they aren't - and sometimes aren't even close, you start realizing you don't know what to expect until you meet - so you just don't throw as much into the meeting initially. Sure, some turn out to be unexpectedly pleasant - but you don't know what you don't know - so ignorance is bliss in that regard.

Of course if everyone you ever meet turns out to be as good as or better than you hoped for, this wouldn't be the case.

IME, unless it's on the way to, on the way back from something or otherwise convenient if I haven't met a guy yet I don't put a lot of emphasis on it. I'll get excited about a guy if/when I meet him and actually decide I like him (and the feeling's mutual). Until then it's another thing in my schedule.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 80
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History
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/2/2010 8:58:11 AM
OP, I think the only thing you can do is kind of look back over in your mind or read any e-mails, what was said in the communication that could have tipped you off that they were flakes, because it sounds like that is what you are dealing with. And realistically, each individual is different, your ability to figure out a plan that will "work" next time is next to nil.

I violated all the rules last week. I live in a large metropolitan area and the man in question lives 60 miles away. He was in my area on business calls and as we had talked about my propensity for planning to go to a meetup.com event and often being too tired to go when the weekend rolled around or whatever. So, he asked if I wanted to see a movie, this was like 6 hours before we would actually go. I figured why not, I wasn't busy and I don't get out of the house and away from my kids as often as I should. Then he called back when I had just gotten out of the shower. His stuff wrapped up several hours early, would an earlier movie be okay? So I found myself running around like a dervish to get out of the house, etc.

My point is that I could have canceled because of the last minute nature of the original invitation and the difficulty that changing the time placed on me. But what, I expect him to hang out at Ihop for nearly three hours because his logistics unexpectedly changed? If we were to wind up seeing each other he would probably be doing a lot of the driving and realistically at least some of the time we would spend together would arise in the same way, i.e. he is over this way.... Canceling on my end would have only been related to discourteous behavior and I don't think the situation I described was disrespectful of my time, etc.

If someone wants to meet you they will show up. Not sure whether you can suss out who actually means what they say/text to those that don't. Someone canceled on me a few months ago when I was already where we were supposed to meet, it was convenient that it was very close to home but putting on the make-up for nothing kinda sucked, lol. OP, just let it roll off and again, if there was something you should have paid attention to and didn't, keep that in mind next time.


This is ridiculous advice. Pray tell how does one do this before the flake flakes, as the flaking act occurs right before the start of date?

Giggle


My point in all my responses here has been the same, to rephrase that one last time: one size doesn't fit all, you have to take them case-by-case. If your instincts tell you she's lying then don't waste any more time and move on. But I don't think you just take that approach and apply it blindly to everyone. One of the benefits of the Internet is that it doesn't take much time or effort to keep something going a little longer, and dating is an imperfect process by definition, so why would one expect perfection right off the bat? Recipe for frustration and failure if you have absolutely no give and take in you.

Welcome your logical ass to the forums, lol.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 81
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/2/2010 1:25:52 PM
Well you can either have a hissy fit at them or simply respond back that you are no longer interested in seeing them anymore when you believe they are using lame excuses to get out of your date.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 82
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/2/2010 1:44:30 PM
I'm with the camp that thinks if someone really wants to meet you...
they will. It's kind of like getting your resume in for a job before everyone
else...or being first in line to get tickets to a great concert.
You don't want to take the chance that you'll miss out.
I'd rather take the chance and have it not work out then not take the
chance at all.

As to responding to last minute cancellations...as I subscribe to the above...
I would assume (barring death or some sort of accident) the person just
wasn't in to me.

I really hate it when the excuse is...I've got to meet someone, something came
up...blah blah blah. Don't make plans if you can't follow through...and if you do
make plans...follow through. I guess it's just way too simple to work.
 CA_ExPat
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 83
view profile
History
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 2/7/2010 10:43:20 AM
I have only had this happen once and I am grateful as I was looking for a kind way to get out of what was a bad match for me. She thought the same, perhaps for different reasons, but so what?

My response was, "OK , thank you for letting me know" as she could have simply been a no show. I appreciated that and think no less of her, perhaps more as she did it before I had to.

Now, the real question is, " Why four in a row?" That seems too many statistically and if it were happening to me I would seriously review my profile and replay the conversations in my head to see if I had given some "turnoff" signals I was unaware of. I would even go so far as to practice my conversation up to and including getting the date with a girl friend. By that I mean a girl who is a friend and who might help you avoid certain loaded words and phrases which only women have a dictionary for.

The best way to look at this, after checking out what you're projecting, Go Fishing. There is NO shortage of good women on this board.
 Ken 6000
Joined: 6/7/2007
Msg: 85
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 8/4/2010 7:01:11 PM
I have had this happen to me 4 times in the last week.It also happened 3 times in a row before.POF should DO something about these chronic cancellers.They should be reported.I did or said absolutely nothing to bring on the cancellations.For one ,it was too hot.Another's grandson took ill.Another had to have baby furniture picked up.Another had to go to a job.The lies are endless.I've heard that POF monitors what is said in profiles,etc.Why don't they do something about these chronic cancellers?Most do it at the last minute after you have gotten already and are ready to leave.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 88
how to respond to last minute cancellations
Posted: 8/5/2010 5:14:56 AM
Re: Minako - yes, I agree, it's a great way to do it. If you make the plan regardless of who's coming and the person you're talking to is only joining you as company - it won't deter your plans if they cancel.

It's better than being stood up (not that that will matter either if you're set to do something regardless).

I've never had a guy I haven't met yet cancel where I was disappointed. There's always something I want to be doing, so an unexpected extra slot of time is always welcome. I've been stood up during a few meals - but love my own company, and I count my blessings when it happens. At least I know I'll enjoy the meal for sure when it's just me.
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