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 Tyrant of Tyranny
Joined: 1/8/2010
Msg: 38
Am I Being Judgmental Here?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
His honesty is that of a snake....he didn't tell you this because he's an honest person, he told you this because he's an idiot, what else is there to know of this poor excuse of a man.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 40
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 9:29:56 AM
Lately on here, we seem to have a break out of conditional morals.

There are a growing number of people, who seem to be able to justify any behavior, that allows them to do as they please. I started a thread about it, but it has disappeared, oh well, whatever. I think MOST of us view cheating, as both parties are guilty of the act being perpitrated on the unknowing spouse. The one who cheats on their relationship, and the one who is complicit or sleeps with them.

While this situation is different, in as much as the spouse knew, even gave acceptance and aid to the act, it is still cheating. Why can't the woman, leave her man and start anew, like the rest of us? Which I believe is acceptable behavior in most. But that's another thread.

While I admire your man's honesty, for telling you. It is also acceptable, obviously, to at least a certain segment of the population, even here on POF.

As for you, you are in the same boat as the rest of us, man and woman alike. You can choose to view it as a lapse in judgement, or a momentary event that may or may not affect your future together. Or you can say, this kind of action, is unacceptable to me, and move on, looking for someone, that has similar views and morals, your choice.

Personally, I couldn't do it. I would always find myself questioning, whether or what this person would be capable of at some point in the future, when faced with the possibility of a nice piece of strange, attached or not, because he had no problems this time. Further what other behaviors could he condone or participate in if this same standard were applied.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 41
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 9:47:33 AM

Not much is taboo for me.

Ditto.

I pretty much have a live and let live attitude, but dating married people is off limits for me.

Same for me.

I could never date someone who got into the middle of someone else s marriage no matter if he said the husband knew or not, but I suspect that is a lie.

I used to agree with this until I met a man who was the "other" man in cuckolding situations. The husband(s) most definitely did know and not only did they know, it was part of their brand of kink. Since he and I were not intimate, it made no difference to me. It opened my mind to the reality: what works for me doesn't have to work for others and I shouldn't judge anyone based upon their lifestyles choices.

Just because a man can't sustain an erection does not mean he has lost the use of his mouth and hands. Most women don't orgasm from vaginal intercourse anyway.

Hmm. Most women? I must have a select group of sexually unique gal-pals. We can all, and most of us prefer, orgasms via penetration. I don't doubt that many can't, but I'd never be satisfied with oral/toys or other stimulation. I'm strictly-dickly in that regard. But that's just me.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 43
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History
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 10:51:29 AM
OP, I don't have time to read all of the posts and reposts but one other thing did occur to me about this thread. I realize that his justification at the time was that the husband was okay with it, which is fine, what I think would speak more to your question about differing values is if he has since concluded that it was likely still a mistake even given the situation or does he still think it is okay. Not whether he would actually do it if the situation arose again, but whether even given the husband's complicity he was still comfortable with that choice.

And the bottom line, some things we just know in the pit of our stomach. You may feel like you would be perceived as judgmental but when the gut in addition to information is telling you this just isn't right for me, there are probably other things that you aren't really consciously aware of that have contributed to the way this information made you feel. You have tried I presume rationalizing yourself out of that initial reaction, gauging how bad this information speaks to his character, etc. but if at the end of the day you cannot shake that continuing to see him would be a mistake, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it, you do what you need to do.
 mcalgary
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 46
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Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 1:08:12 PM
I respect the guy for telling you and being honest but if that breaks one of your moral bounds (which it would with me) than you are totally not being judgmental. It is just the way you feel. If it is something you cannot deal with than it is better you deal with it now than further down the road.
 cabanaboy65
Joined: 8/30/2009
Msg: 47
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Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 1:31:55 PM
I have not have seen the word LOVE here. Its a hard word for some of us. Because we have been hurt by it for sometime. You can love him without the part of a wedding. Yes, he is honest, but you need to be to0. If they are doubts, you need to be honest with him. If he loves you he my come around to where he may like the words of marrage.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 48
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 1:37:12 PM

I really like the guy, otherwise. We get along well. Lots in common. I don't want to hurt his feelings or sound like a judgmental cow if I have to say "look we can't date because we're morally different." Is there a NICE way to say this?


Just tell him you are afraid you do not share like core values and wish him good luck with his search. Cut if off right there because you want to date someone that at least has similar values to yourself and also is looking for a potential partner in life.

Good luck
thecatsmeoww
 BlueTaurus
Joined: 10/3/2009
Msg: 50
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 1:38:37 PM
RED FLAG! RED FLAG!

DELETE HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE! HE BRINGS DRAMA!
YOU CANT BUILS A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. HE DOESNT WANT TO GET MARRIED. DUMP HIM AND FIND SOMEONE THAT HAS THE SAME GOALS AS YOU...

GOOD LUCK!
 Free-At-Last
Joined: 7/15/2009
Msg: 51
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 3:53:29 PM

"Don't think badly of me for this but I used to sleep with a married woman. Her husband was impotent, it was okay by him, he used to pick me up and drop me home again."

WTF IS RIGHT!!!

Sorry but to me that is just "wrong" on so many levels.
 pleasurelimits
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 54
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Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 4:06:23 PM
If you feel strongly about this then you owe both of you a straight answer, ie: we are worlds apart in moral issues there is no point in getting close and developing a relationship when this is the case so this is over NOW
 luckyhot777s
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 57
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 4:41:30 PM

I do enjoy my sexuality. I choose to enjoy it by using it in conjunction with my emotions, and with selectivity, and not just on anybody.


Thats right....you tell him.

I wrote what I did, but you were there and might have been better to put it all in context, I wasn't...

If you don't see eye to eye on important issue's....then there's no point in proceeding any further....

At least the dude was upfront.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 58
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Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 1/11/2010 5:01:58 PM
You're not being judgmental at all. It's not like he realized made a huge mistake and what he did was horribly wrong. He eveidently sees nothing wrong with the idea. You have morals and consideration for other peoples' feelings. He doesn't.
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 61
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/1/2010 5:19:58 PM
Eldrida, you are 27 and, as you stated in your OP, you want to marry someday. This man is NOT marriage material. Firstly, he does not believe in the concept of marriage and secondly, don't expect that to change. Why should you continue a relationship with someone who doesn't consider what you hold dear important? You aren't being judgmental regarding his past relationship with a married woman. You are choosing not to be involved with someone who has no desire to ever marry. That's not being judgmental. That's being smart.
 Tammy the cat
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 63
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/1/2010 6:05:58 PM
Give him one thing,at least he was honest upfront,you never heard it down the track after investing time with him.Core value differences?A change in attitude can always happen if you turn out to be the one.If there are things you do like about him,you could always accept him as friendship material only.Talk to him an discuss your varying views on what is important to you.Communicate,an come to a mutual decision,it would be far worse to just put up with things you dont like an end things later.
 S.O.U.L
Joined: 11/23/2009
Msg: 64
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/1/2010 6:14:54 PM
Let's get down to the real issues without the added fluff.

1. The whole sleeping with another man's wife with his permission - file under past relationships (unless he's currently involved in the situation). Sometimes people get into abnormal relationships but then move into normal relationships

2. Here's the real reason to end things. You're not on the same page when it comes to relationship goals. You want marriage (in general) and he doesnt.
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 66
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/1/2010 6:53:12 PM
Two more things I wish to say, having reread the thread and some further posts.

First off, while I admire his telling you the truth, perhaps as one other poster said, maybe this was an overture to sex, as opposed to telling you.

Second off, a second man, popped on and said he was involved in a similar situation. It worked out well(reasonably) for both couples in this case.

What about the vast number of times it didn't? When the feelings of the two having sex, overtakes the original agreement? Then the man or woman is left holding the bag. I wonder how many do it out of trying to see their mate sexually satisfied, or by pressure from the one going without sex.

I'm sorry, this just doesn't work in most situations, it will NEVER mesh with your standards.
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 67
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/1/2010 7:45:00 PM
The guy is honest with you and as a result you want to break up before the relationship even begins?

Do him a favor and end it.

Women like you are exactly why people lie in the first place.

People aren't mature enough to take honesty in relationships.

Women are horrible at this.

Give them the truth and they lose their minds..........

It's not that I condone the guy having sex with a married woman, but is it really your place to judge?





 abbadee
Joined: 1/28/2010
Msg: 68
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/1/2010 8:02:45 PM
I know you like him, but seriously, that will probably bother you forever.
I think you should just tell him the truth, theres no need to be tactful because, lets face it, he's pretty much as classless as they come.
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 70
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/1/2010 9:10:39 PM

No, you are not judgmental. Why would a woman who is interested in marriage get involved with someone who had confessed to her that he is not into marriage? You have your own values and morals. Don't compromise it to accommodate someone's values. You definitely have conflicting and incompatible goals and you have a right to
follow your heart.


Can you really guage someone at the present by things they've done in the past?

How many of you have skeletons in your closet?

How many of you would be honest with the guy you started dating about it?

Those of you who are telling her to end it are the same people who would probably lie to avoid revealing your own skeletons.

You can't have it both ways.

Women love double standards.............when it applies to anyone but them.



 das74
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 71
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:34:46 PM

I've dated a guy on POF a couple of times- nothing really physical but we're getting there- or were. We were chatting at the railway station just before I was to leave when he dropped the bombshell. "Don't think badly of me for this but I used to sleep with a married woman. Her husband was impotent, it was okay by him, he used to pick me up and drop me home again."

WTF.

Is it unfair of me to consider this a deal-breaker? He then went on to say "I'm not a fan of marriage." Well I wasn't fishing for his proposal, but I just... don't want to date someone who mows another guy's lawn (with or without his permission) who I can pretty much guarantee has no respect for marriage at all. I'm old fashioned. I want to get married. I can't see the point in starting a relationship guaranteed not to end in marriage.

I really like the guy, otherwise. We get along well. Lots in common. I don't want to hurt his feelings or sound like a judgmental cow if I have to say "look we can't date because we're morally different." Is there a NICE way to say this?

Umm. I applaud the dude for being honest..but in all honesty..GROSS!
Of course I am speaking from my POV...Any dude that states he has been banging A Married chick with the consent of her old man cause he cannot "Rise to the occasion" would mean he is HAPPY cummin "IN" 2nd best and he has no morals...period end of story...
Nice way of putting it? There is no nice way,,,cept to say.."Sorry did not juice the motor up ith the resume"...nerxt.."How you doin"
 VivaciousVixen2010
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 72
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:37:41 PM
you and he are on different planets
why waste your time?
go fish
 curiousaboutu77
Joined: 12/28/2007
Msg: 74
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History
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/2/2010 2:59:18 AM
It is great for the guy too because by telling the truth he learned they are not compatible. Why should a person keep things in the closet if it means that your dating someone incompatible longer then necessary which would have happened if he didn't tell her he was sleeping with a married woman even if there was consent. This shouldn't be seen as a reason for a guy to hide his skeletons even more vigilantly but a good sign that he can find someone more compatible with his line of thinking if he continues revealing his past like he has done. Well, unless you really hate been single then something maybe better then nothing and should keep your skeletons to yourself.
 SBM4U2
Joined: 12/22/2009
Msg: 76
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/2/2010 11:02:07 AM
I would have to question what his purpose was for even revealing this to you (?). It seems wierd that he would just throw it out there, but if you were having some kind of light discussion, it shouldn't be that much of a big deal. I mean, there's the moral issue of it all (screwin' a married woman with or without hubby's permission is wrong) and that's about it. I'm sure if he revealed that he had a past GF he had sex with you would expect it and there wouldn't be a problem at all. As a matter of fact, you probably already assumed he wasn't a virgin, right? That's why I said that it depends on the context of how he revealed this info to you.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 77
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/2/2010 11:10:33 AM

I've dated a guy on POF a couple of times- nothing really physical but we're getting there- or were.


And he stopped you in your tracks didn't he?


"Don't think badly of me for this but I used to sleep with a married woman. Her husband was impotent, it was okay by him, he used to pick me up and drop me home again."

Awww bullchip...


He then went on to say "I'm not a fan of marriage."


He wanted you think he was a cheater and not marriage material



I really like the guy, otherwise. We get along well. Lots in common. I don't want to hurt his feelings


You can't hurt his feelings hon, he was telling you all the things women usually run from.
He knew exactly what he was doing and saying and what a normal womans response would be....... to run for the hills

He does not want you IMO...next
 Joel246
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 78
Am I Being Judgmental Here?
Posted: 2/2/2010 11:46:36 AM
Eldrida,

First of all I'd like to say that's a really bizarre thing for him to feel the need to just drop out of nowhere. From my perspective it has no relevance and if it wasn't still going on, he had no obligation or reason to tell you that.

But now that it's out there, I'd like to disagree that the act of sleeping with someone's wife with her husband's permission is not an anti-marriage act. The fact is there is a very high divorce rate in our countries, and often times a major basis is that as time goes on partners sex drives change and they can no longer satisfy one another. Some lovers who really care about saving their marriage will go to the extreme of letting the partner who still has a strong sex drive sleep around. It may seem strange to you, but from my perspective it can be a healthy way to save a marriage if one person in the relationship truly has no sex drive anymore.

So participating in that act... which was consensual between 3 adults, and thus not at ALL akin to cheating, does not necessarily make your boy anti-marriage.

Of course, him saying he's not a fan of marriage does.

But if that's all he said, you need to probe deeper before judging him. Maybe he was saying that that experience made him feel like marriages were doomed, that he doesn't believe a lot of them have a good chance of succeeding, so he prefers letting relationships go where they'll go without the pressure of marriage? Basically what you want to determine is whether he has a polygamous or monogamous mindset. If he has baggage about the idea of marriage but is still monogamous in his partner-philosophy, then I say this should not be a deal breaker for you. Definitely something you should talk about, but not an immediate deal breaker in and of itself.
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