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Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 56
Tattoo.. an issuePage 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Well at my age it's definitely not to be "Cool"
Most of mine are older than you are!
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 57
view profile
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/14/2010 12:04:33 PM
Even if he chose not to tattoo any other names on himself, think about what you're asking. Regardless of the situation he feels attachment to his child and wants to actually be able to act on it and in a sense to keep the child that is kept from him with him. This would somehow trump him being an active involved father, being in the children's lives every day rather than his entire relationship with his first child existing in the melding of ink and skin alone?

You could solve the whole problem and ask him if he would want to tattoo any future kids' names on his body or if he wants to do this because this is his only means of connection with the child? I wouldn't imagine he would take offense to the question because it is an honest question that I think a normal person looking from the outside in might ask.

I don't think it is a reason to not continue the relationship nor would it be a reason for discord in a marriage or have any negative impact on the children unless you telegraph that to them.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 58
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/14/2010 12:10:24 PM
My concern would be why someone who's apparently painfully broke is contemplating spending money on something so useless in practical terms. Not much of a planner, is he? He might need that money a week later for a new tire or something. There's no reason a tattoo can't wait until he's in a better financial position.

On the emotional side, though: If he already had the tattoo when you met, that wouldn't have stopped you, right? I'm not a fan of tattoos, but if a guy has his kids' names on his shoulder or something I'm not going to turn him down over it.

So here's my thinking - if you wouldn't have refused to date him because of it, it shouldn't be a problem now. Except insofar as that it's an indicator that his lack of practical foresight is not at all in the past, but remains very much an active trait.
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 59
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/14/2010 12:25:40 PM

Why does your profile say you're 21 if you just turned 18?
It's the wrong year and I can't correct it.
Anymore ways to grill Gosh today?

Sure....I'll grill ya...just for the fun of it. So, if you just turned 18 and you've been a member of the site since 2007....tsk either are 21 or you were 16 when you joined the site. And people wonder why there is such skepticism when it comes to the stories that are told here.....
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 60
view profile
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/14/2010 12:31:43 PM
OP, I didn't read the whole thread but in response to one of your reposts, I get where you are coming from with the angst and not wanting to feel jealousy. She has shared something with him that you haven't, and having a child is a big deal particularly to someone who obviously didn't want to walk away from his child and we'll just leave the squabbling about how hard he tried, etc. to the other folks.

When I met my ex, not only did he have the x-wife, and 11-year-old son, he and his wife had grown up with each other so there was literally 20 years or more of shared history there and it is a wee bit intimidating even if you cannot put your finger on what that is.

Whether it makes sense to you, the tattoo is a way to try to make some kind of peace with things and it really doesn't have anything to do with you nor would it really have anything to do with your future children. He may not feel the need to add to the tat but he certainly sounds like a guy that probably would if it became clear that the children were confused about why one name is there and the others aren't, and that's all you need to know.
 Celtic Wolf
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 64
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/14/2010 5:27:07 PM
Honestly, I think you are being petty. Do you want him to throw away all of the pictures of his son too, that way he won't look at them more than his future kids?

You might try showing him some understanding and be a part of his decision. Make some suggestions to help make the memorial tasteful and meaningful.

I am also amazed at some of the harsh and judgmental attitudes displayed in this thread.
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 67
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/14/2010 5:43:33 PM
Unsure if your still reading this forum for advice... I own a tattoo shop and I often try to tell people that images suggesting a person/child are often more powerful and beautiful than just a name.

Rather than show your distaste for the tattoo idea, how amazing would it be if you encouraged him and also suggested that he could think outside just the box of only getting a name?

Imagine if he got a key, and when he gets back in touch with his son he gets the locket as well? almost like its showing that hes' trying to open the door back to his son, and if/when he does he has cracked the lock back to his son and restored his fatherhood and pride? Just one way of looking at it....

If you are in such financial stress that one tattoo is cause for pocketbook ruin, then thats more a concern than anything else.

Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 68
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/14/2010 5:45:28 PM
His son will be around longer than you. It seems as if you are more angry your name isn not the one being put on him. And how dare you say his son may not like (hate) him later? Gawd. Poor guy. That is a horrible negative thing to even say. You plan on spending your life with him? You need help. Big time. Geez. Maybe he doesn't plan on spending his life with YOU. Just sounds way too controlling to me.
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 70
view profile
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/14/2010 7:16:41 PM
You're way too young, naive and jealous to be in this relationship.
It's his kid's name. His KID's. Not his ex's. Your issues run much deeper than a tattoo.
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 71
view profile
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/14/2010 8:53:19 PM
hey some tattoos are beautiful, but not on people. [some people think]

some get monkeys tattooed on themselves, what's so bad about his kids name?
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 72
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 7:27:27 AM
You're right. Names are not a good idea. Instead, I recommend his tattoo read "I'm with stupid"! haha!
Joined: 6/10/2009
Msg: 74
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 8:30:02 AM
You're way to young to understand this....definitely not ready to have a full blown relationship and kids with this man....think long and hard about dating/marrying someone with kids...if you've got a problem with him getting his son's name tattoed...what the heck are you going to do if the kids comes to live with you guys...I see bad times for the kids in this relationship and that's not fair, they don't ask for it. If you already associate the thought of the child with thoughts of the need to move on...this is what leads to child abuse (and not only physical). Grow up a bit and learn how not to be so selfish.
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 76
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 8:42:30 AM
The kid is his son, regardless of whether he sees him or has custody. He's always going to be his son.

While I'm not a fan of tattoos -- especially of a name -- a tattoo of your kid's name is tolerable to most people. At least it's not some ridiculous gang sign -- or Marilyn Monroe.

So, yeah, you're way overreacting.
Joined: 8/21/2004
Msg: 77
view profile
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 9:47:41 AM
^^^ im with B.D.Jinx up there... *except* i happen to have a Small tattoo of my parents names on my rt ankle, and may may Not get one of my 2 Boys' names on the other ankle..back to the point... That is his child.... he can always have the option of Re-filing in Superior Court, if not to have joint custody, then to have visitation.. Anybody can petition/file for something...whether its granted is another issue.. guys may/may not 'last' (sorry, a harsh reality of this human Life)...
and ...that is HIS Child He produced with someone else...i would never even breathe the thought to a Man 'not' to get a tatoo of his son/daughters' name. good luck to you...
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 78
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 9:48:35 AM
Wow...this is so typical of today's modern American woman. The OP seems totally oblivious to the fact that the guy loves his son, and is probably not all that excited about the fact the baby's momma got full custody. Her attitude implies that he should just forget about his own flesh and blood. Typical feminist narcissism...
 *army mom*
Joined: 6/9/2009
Msg: 79
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 10:36:50 AM
I wonder if the OP would have a different opinion if he was tattooing HER name on his ass ...
 Pirate Mollie
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 80
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 10:39:03 AM
i think tattos are like totally hot!
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 82
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 11:23:22 AM

Read the post. She also said: " His ex won't let him see him" what does that tell you???HMMM???

Maybe he was coerced into signing over rights. You don't know. What you CAN TELL from the post is that he loves his kid enough to want to tattoo his name on on his flesh permanently, and the mother "WON'T LET HIM" SEE HIS OWN KID.

So go ahead- switch the debate around now. I'm sure now you'll say he doesn't deserve to see his own kid. Again...typical feminist double standard.

.think long and hard about dating/marrying someone with kids..

Right, now put that advice over in the "women with kids" thread and see how many women on here agree with you...another double standard.

Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 83
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 11:33:08 AM
Post 20 - per the OP's interpretation

Will add that he was 'forced' to sign away rights.
It was either pay child support (go to jail since he was broke) or sign away rights for his ex to marry someone else and have them adopt the kid.

He had an opportunity to pay his debt (via $$ or jail time). He chose, instead, to terminate his parental rights - saving himself the burden of paying child support.

I still think his tattoo should read "I'm with stupid"! haha!
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 84
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 11:41:04 AM
so the dude WAS forced to sign away his rights through threat of imprisonment. I wonder how Baby's momma would have responded if she was given the same option: "Pay more than you can afford each month, or go to jail" OR "Sign away rights legally in the desperate hope your ex will show a sign of humanity"

He made the mistake of thinking the latter, but he really never had a choice.

Guys, this is why you don't want to get married and have kids.
Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 86
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 12:06:24 PM

It is very clear from your post just how much you hate women and it is no surprise that you are now and will forever more remain single.

Was that supposed to be an insult? Because considering the options being single is looking better every day.
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 87
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 5:11:04 PM
upon reading the last page or two, i kinda forgot what the intial post was even about

everyone count to ten... breath!

now, lets get back to chucking more internet mud!
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 91
view profile
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 5:48:23 PM
I too was not able to raise my son and he is now 15. I don't have his name tattooed on me but I do have his sign on me. I believe that it is bad mojo to tattoo someones name, but thats just me, however I have no problem with something that symbolizes that person. I was born in the year of the tiger. Therefore I have the tiger symbol on my right shoulder. My mother was born in the year of the dragon. She is on my right forearm. My son was born in the year of the dog. He is on my left shoulder closest to my heart. We are both geminis, so I have twin flying tigers around my symbol and two wolves howling at the moon below his symbol. Make sure that his tattoo, that he will get no matter what you say, has a sentimental meaning. My son thinks that my tattoos of him are very sincere and he likes them.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 92
view profile
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 9:55:22 PM
I'd have to say that I would be more upset/worried about why he has a child that he can't see, doesn't support and gave up all rights too. That would be a big deal breaker for me to want to spend my life and have children with a man who has done this. Is he someone who takes the easy way out, is he a danger to his child, does he leave when things get tough???
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 94
Tattoo.. an issue
Posted: 1/15/2010 11:59:48 PM
Hello OP,
I understand the frustration you must be feeling, watching this guy struggle with his feelings over a child he's not allowed any contact with. I'm sensing some resentfulness, about this situation, which I also understand. It's never easy watching someone we care for being raked over the coals by another woman. It must be a pretty hostile situation between the two of them, to cause custody termination, etc. The thing you need to try to understand, is that no matter how much the ex wants to erase him from her own life, that child will always be his very own flesh and blood, and a part of him. If you're planning to spend your life with this man, then you're going to need to try to understand and have some compassion for how this whole thing feels from his perspective. Something's been stolen from him, something infinately valuable and irreplacable. He obviously wants to honor the hole in his heart and his ongoing desire for a connection to this child with a tattoo.

I wonder if he has other kids, will he tattoo their names on him as well? I feel as if he'll favor a kid he doesn't have over the kids that he may have when the future is stable.
This comment tells me that you resent what this child represents, which is the fact that he's connected to another through this child. You really expect him to just pretend this child doesn't exist, or doesn't mean anything to him, in order to quell your own insecurities? You think just because he's being denied the ability to be a part of this child's life at this point, he should just write him off, and only care for children the two of you might potentially have, down the road?

Personally, I think this is an extremely selfish way to offer your love to this man. When we truly love someone, the things that cause them pain, cause us pain as well. We want to help them alleviate that pain in whatever way is possible, not expect them to deny that pain to make us feel more secure. Do you have any idea how devastated he must be to have been ejected from this child's life? What happens if the ex were to realize a few years from now, how selfish it was of her to do that, and try to amend the situation? Will you have a problem with him being in contact with the child, accepting this child as part of your lives?

I know it would be more comfortable for you if you were his first, if he had never been with anyone else, if your (potential) children were his only ones... but that will never be the case with this man, that child was part of him before you were ever even in the picture, and if you can't find a way to accept that gracefully, you're doing a huge disservice to him, and his child, by being in his life.
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