Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 lookin4fun571
Joined: 12/16/2011
Msg: 674
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??Page 18 of 30    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)
Dont ask a question you dont really want to know the answer to. besides Is it really any of your business how many men or women she was with before you? I wouldnt ask a question like that because anything that happened before my time isnt really any of my business
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 676
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/19/2012 12:39:32 AM
how many is too many
if you say X.... it will always be too many depending on the perception and the context.
" I have only slept with one other man" Of course it was last night after our date and he is better than you - but only one other man.

Feel better ?
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 677
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/19/2012 3:02:44 AM
The next time you are making love, while you are in the act, I want you to think about those other fourteen guys making love to her. Picture it in your mind. Every detail. Vividly.

That kind of stuff doesn't bother me. After all, I've been around the block a few times and done all of those things to more women than that. Not only that, I liked doing it - some more than others, but who cares? Why should expect a woman to have done anything differently?

I think one of the most precious things two people offer each other in a new relationship is the opportunity to start anew. No one has to carry their baggage forward. No one has to carry their mistakes or misdeeds. They can be free of these burdens. They each have the opportunity to be the person they claim they are, the person they want to be.

So, if you pretend it didn't happen, it didn't happen? No thanks. I want someone to be who she is and who she is, is the sum total of everything she's done. I don't want to like someone because she's pretending to be something she isn't, especially in this case, since sex is supposed to be fun, not something evil.

One friend married as a virgin when he was a teen... him and his wife recently split... (she still hasn't had anyone new.... )

And despite such a noble begining, his marriage didn't last.
Now he's recently started dating another woman.... she is his second, and he's 44...
Somehow I can't see him wanting a woman who's had a lot of partners....

That's certainly his prerogative. What that means in terms of finding a lasting relationship isn't all that clear, though. Obviously, the first one didn't work out, despite the zero partner count.
 rigal41
Joined: 8/24/2011
Msg: 679
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/19/2012 6:22:31 AM
Personally for me I don't need my boyfriends past details and he is in agreement as he doesn't want to know mine. We do know we've both had a couple of LTR's but that's it...at 42 I don't need his high school, college, young adult male sex count..all I want us both to share is that we are both disease free, have been tested as of recent, etc.
 AngelofHonesty
Joined: 1/4/2012
Msg: 680
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/19/2012 7:47:35 AM
Aw, look who's ego is shattered, you thought you were getting a virgin. Get over it already really, so she slept with some other guys, I'm sure you have had sexual encounters before. That's why I always never answer or ask the question "How many people have you slept with", it only leads to trouble as you have found out first hand.!!!!!!

The whole comparison of what she did with other guys will drive you insane, you can't change the past, now your present relationship with her is a different story, I mean what's the real meaning of this, are you feeling that she's cheating on you and that's the reason for the use of condoms or what? We can't help you with that, you're going to have to use resource and common sense to figure that out for yourself. Oh and by the way if it doesn't work out with you and her, let this be a lesson for the next relationship, don't ask her the question of how many she slept with, then it can't consume your sanity!!!!
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 684
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/19/2012 9:44:03 AM

Yeah, those 20+ years they were together were such a waste... they started to grow apart when she had early menopause just after their 2 kids moved out... she's no longer the same person she was even 5 years ago...

What's your point? You were the one who brought up the low partner count as somehow being advantageous in bringing something of value to a relationship or something to value, yet the couple in the example you gave got divorced when the guy was 44. just like lots of other middle age couples. As I said, looking for someone with a low partner count is certainly his prerogative, but it's not clear what that has to do with whether or not someone is good relationship material. All you've done is provide some details confirming what I said.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 687
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/19/2012 3:47:58 PM
At almost 42, I can count the people I've slept with on one hand and still have spare fingers but I am not for one minute naive enough to think that many people this age, can say the same.

When will people allow their partner's sexual past to be just that !

It's none of your business how many people she has been intimate with before you - and asking that question of someone, is really never going to come to any good ! What matters is what happens between the two of you going forward.

And asking her to compare your abilities to her ex's is a dangerous game to play. You should leave that one well alone. That's a whole can of worms (no pun intended) that you really do not want to open.

Learn to accept that she's not with any of these exes today, for a reason. And that is more then enough detail and information.

 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 688
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/19/2012 6:46:29 PM

Look, here's what I want you to do. The next time you are making love, while you are in the act, I want you to think about those other fourteen guys making love to her. Picture it in your mind. Every detail. Vividly. All fourteen of them. Them touching her naked body. Their hands roughly caressing her breasts. Pinching her nipples. Grasping the curve of her buttocks. Their wet tongues sliding across her abdomen and up and down her inner thighs. Them thrusting themselves unprotected, savagely into her every orifice while she writhes, moans, and screamingly begs for more in a seemingly endless, violently, shivering and quaking orgasm of depraved cum drenched lust.


LOL...That's hot!
 Tima62
Joined: 1/10/2012
Msg: 689
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/19/2012 7:09:09 PM
First off, it does not matter how many she's been with. That's not even something you discuss. The best discussion would be, has she gotten checked, and if not, go with her so you both do so. It's not that serious. Just because she didn't jump into bed with you as doesn't mean she's not into you, it just means she wanted to take things slow. As for having sex without a condom, I recommend you don't. Pill or not, there are still possibilities of her getting pregnant. Safe sex is no sex. Best of luck!
 SacredWestman
Joined: 6/28/2010
Msg: 691
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/20/2012 10:53:02 AM
... Seriously, have we lowered the bar so far?
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 693
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/24/2012 10:19:20 PM
As I said, looking for someone with a low partner count is certainly his prerogative, but it's not clear what that has to do with whether or not someone is good relationship material.


Here's some clarity...... Someone with a high partner count is going to be similar to the last guy i had a date with. He explained to me that until recently he was into casual sex and to do so he didn't feel an emotional connection with the mulitude of women with whom he had had sex. He's had an ephipany....god bless him. However i saw him as too high of a risk.

Someone who can disconnect the sex/emotion bond is not someone i would trust with my emotions.

There are always exceptions though and m church consistently shows wisdom and maturity in his posts.
 abelian
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 694
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/24/2012 11:48:16 PM

Someone with a high partner count is going to be similar to the last guy i had a date with.

How do you know that? Because your ex boyfriend told you?

However i saw him as too high of a risk.

In other words, it was you who couldn't make the connection.
 legnakrad
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 695
view profile
History
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/25/2012 5:11:44 AM
I don't think your issue should be with how many men she's been with but instead should be with her lying about it in the first place.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 696
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/25/2012 9:57:43 AM
In other words, it was you who couldn't make the connection.


Thats correct. That was a one time date i was referring to not an ex. Self-preservation is a good thing. How can someone not connect with many different women sexually and then decide he is going to connect with someone and have an ltr or marriage?

Behavioral patterns just like integrity are straight across the board. When he does want to connect it is going to questionable at best IMO.
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 697
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/25/2012 10:20:45 AM
Everyone has a past - a PAST! I don't ask someone how many women he has been with and I don't tell how many men I've been with, because they are with me now and I'm confident enough to know that it doesn't matter. That "number" is truly irrelevant - IMHO. What matters to me is if the person is honest in their present day dealings, ie. with me about intention, if they lie, etc. and if we get to a point if we are going to have sex are they disease free. Regardless of how many people someone has been with, they are a part of their past (let's go with this and not throw in the plethora of other potential scenarios...lol) and they are not with him/her for a reason...regardless of whatever that may be, understand that they are with you now and if they are being honest about their present day dealings with you, that's what is important, that is what truly matters.

Conversely, could there be the potential of a mate to not having had enough partners and/or experiences to have satisfied their curiosity and would that lend itself to a higher potential to lie or cheat because they are not at a point where they can be in a LTR without feeling like have settled, missed out, etc?
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 698
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/25/2012 12:16:51 PM
OCRebellion, nice words, but the truth is the past does count for most everyone.

If you ask if someone would marry a hooker if she gave up her trade because she found true love, the vast majority would be negative.

I only ask a women if think she has had a low body count. If someone told me they have slept with more than 60 men, I would have to really, really like her to be able to let that go. I would think she lacked an ability for form relationships.

To get upset at 15 like the OP said, that is just silly.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 699
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/25/2012 12:25:21 PM
abelian


Girls could never do that..

Sure they could. Whose fault is it for accepting double standards?


I don't have a double standard, I wouldn't have sex with another guy even if he was a virgin.
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 700
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/25/2012 12:51:52 PM
Dragon...notice that I did say not including the plethora of other scenarios. My response was in the context of the relative quasi loose boundaries of normal'ish...lol, because is anyone really sure of what that is anymore. Being a hooker would fall into the "other" category, for me and my view of normal vs not normal (and others may have a different POV). It has taken a long time and the loss of someone great to realize that the past really does not matter (qualified of course...lol). Perhaps a positive way to look at it is, that you (in general terms) are such the mf'ing bomb to have captured and kept the person that no one else has been able to. You (in general terms) were just "the one." I used to be hung up on the past (the number, comparison, etc) ...and could not shake it, even with a great man that kept telling me, I choose you, I want you, I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you...eventually, he got tired of dealing with my insecurity and we split. So not worth it.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 701
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/25/2012 1:08:34 PM
ocrebellion, I agree with what you posted. I everyone has to make their own informed decisions.

Who knows what you meant by other scenarios. I know several men that married bargirls, they are happy and it works for them. But that is in another country with a different culture than here. The culture here is very judgemental about sex.

Who knows what normal is? It think the majority of women have slept with less than 15 people, men maybe 20. Women typically under report, men over, but they aren't lying, they just forget exact numbers.

But I know some men that have slept with 10,000 women. They don't have any desire to stop.

If you average everyone together, it typically comes out somehwhere about 4 for women and 8 for men. But that includes such a huge range numbers from virgins, people who marry for life and only 1 to really high numbers.
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 702
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/25/2012 1:45:14 PM
So Dragon...I'm 44, about to turn 45. If you used my age as a marker, what would the number be for a woman my age that would be a deal breaker for you?

BTW...yes, this country is very uptight when it comes to sex/sexuality. Which, perhaps, leads us to a completely other discussion in another thread...lol.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 703
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/25/2012 4:09:26 PM
OCRebellion, oorah, in my face with the mace.

My deal breakers aren't based on how many people (either sex) a women had in the past.

I wouldn't date a virgin in the USA over the age of 25. If someone had only had 3 partners by your age, I would ask questions about why, assuming we had not yet slept together.

If we have sex, it becomes very easy to determine how you respond to most aspects of sex even it we don't go there on that particular occasion. At that point your body count numbers are almost irrelevant.

I did some math on another thread, I have only been dating 4.5 years in the last 40, so asking me what is typical for an actively dating women is something I have no idea about. I seldom ask those I date.

I nearly always ask about their "story". What were the pivotal points in your life, what make you you. I just like finding out about a person.

Based on your story about the man, I would guess your counts are low.

EDIT: BTW, to me anything under 14 is low for someone that activily dates.
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 704
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/26/2012 9:30:53 AM
Ahhh Dragon...the politician you are

My count is appropriate / ...and I never tell.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 706
view profile
History
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/26/2012 11:45:59 AM
Shes 28 and shes only had sex with 14 guys?

Is she ugly? Frigid? Doesnt like sex? Got married at 14 and divorced at 26? Is she a bible basher?

Theres nothing at all wrong with her other than shes a bit inexperienced

As for you though, if you have a "problem" with that then you either need to find yourself someone who is a bit more frigid than this one or get some therapy to try and sort out your issues regarding sex IMO



 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 707
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/27/2012 6:15:42 PM

Someone who can disconnect the sex/emotion bond is not someone i would trust with my emotions.


Wow! I totally am the opposite!
I only want someone who can love with or without sex and can have sex with or without love!

Love and sex are NOT to be exclusive to each other and necessary for both to exist!


How else could you love family and friends if you cannot separate love/sex?

Or as Jesus taught, that we should all love one another....
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 709
HELP ME - GIRLFRIEND HAS BEEN WITH TOO MANY MEN??
Posted: 1/27/2012 7:53:38 PM
"If a woman lied to me about her numbers(or anything) then I'd definately dump her...."

This coming from a 50 year old man. Isn't this high school shit. I can't believe anyone in their 40's or 50's would even ask another person "so, how many have you slept with?". It's none of your business, it's not only an assinine question but it's an immature question. I just can't believe that one ADULT would ask another ADULT that question.

I'd like to change the above quote to read "If a man ASKED me about my numers then I'd definately dump him". I have nothing to be ashamed of but it's still no one's business but mine.

We all have a past. If the person I am willing to spend the rest of my life with can't get over the fact that I have a past he is not worthy of my love. And the same goes for me. It's all about the now and not about what either of us were doing 5 years before we met. WhoTF cares. Some folks really need to grow up.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >