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Joined: 4/1/2009
Msg: 2
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I'm assuming that she likes you but you did move a bit too fast. That will scare me away for sure. If you like her, give her some time and space and wait to see what will become of it. In the mean time, date other people. I wouldn't spend anymore money on her, like taking her to dinner, if I were you. Friends don't do that to friends...dutch is better.
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 5
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/21/2010 3:09:35 PM
well, I think that since she says she is not "ready" take it at face value and start dating other women. She could be telling the truth and she probably really likes your company and not ready to push on. I think you have decide are you willing to put your chips on the table and wait for this girl and is she really worth the wait. good luck buddy.
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 8
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/21/2010 3:31:54 PM
I had something similar happen to me last summer...

I hate to say this but nothing will come out if except friendship on her part. And as usual: a friendship won't work if A wants more than B is prepared to give. In other words, it has to be on equal terms.

Don't waste your time and find another woman.
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 11
view profile
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/21/2010 10:00:18 PM
dangerouscurves02 wrote:
i n my experience when a person brings up all of a sudden that THEY ARE NOT READY..but they still want to hang around you..they are full of shit and waiting for the next best thing been there done that.

That's been my experience as well.

You'll be the string-along, maybe the backup plan.

There's a possibility that it's true, but there's the possibility that I'll be struck by lightning tomorrow, as well.
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 12
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 1:47:19 AM
Does it matter if it's BS or truthful? If you make no commitment, everyone is free to move about the country ( as SW Airlines would say)

She isn't ready to commit. You should carry on. Who knows. You found her, maybe there is someone else.

I would continue to keep in touch with her if you really like her like you say you do. Don't wait on a maybe though.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 13
view profile
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 11:35:33 AM
BS or truthful: Sounds pretty truthful!

"Bought your movie ticket": Yep, my ex did this too, when she DIDN'T want me to touch her lol. So basically she was "buying" her freedom from me. I'm over it.

Just chock it up to "it ain't a good match" and wait for somebody who basically falls into your lap, or comes onto you extremely aggressively-! At least, if SHE makes the first move, you know SHE'S interested! This hasn't happened to me often (I ain't Brad Pitt), and when it does, it's a shock to my central nervous system, because I'm not used to such intimate attention all at once! When it does happen, they're usually extremely young. Maybe I look young for my age; maybe I remind them of their father. It's a WELCOME shock, of course lol.

Don't try too hard, until one falls into your lap...then love the hell out of her!
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 15
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 11:52:56 AM
She wants to date other guys as well as have you hang out with her.

Making her know she is not your #1 priority would be a good place to start from, if you want to venture out of the friend zone.

She has already told you that even if she was ready to get into a relationship it wouldn't be with you.

She is taking advantage of you because you are nice and you are letting her. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Plus she wants more icing on the cake and some ice cream as well.
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 16
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I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 12:10:36 PM
Well what she is saying could be true. However, if you start being a friend in that particular case, you'll probably will never break out of that mold. Be prepared to only be friends forever.

You should have said, "I understand....and I'm you want me to contact you in a few months and check in after you have had more time to work through your continued grief over the previous relationship?"

Of course, if you wanted a friendship, then the other thing will work just fine...but thats not what you sounded like you wanted in your question.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 20
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 12:54:53 PM
She told me she wasn't ready but basically ruled out dating me when she was. I told her I still wanted to be friends with her, and she thanked me for understanding.

Based on this she's not interested in you - if she ruled you out even when she becomes ready, I take that to mean she's not going to be dating you regardless. I'm confused - what's the question?
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 23
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 1:41:07 PM
He probably has a POF Masters Degree. I have met a few of those. They get other people to write their profiles for them, click that they have a Degree yet make no friggen sense when it comes to writing, making things clear or dating, period.. And are game players. He contradicts himself period. She sounds like she is not interested at all. Lets get some change and buy a clue here. Communications my arse or he would not even be asking this. NEXT. One of these meet one time and thinks they are in a relationship types. Gawd.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 24
view profile
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 1:41:34 PM

She's just one month out of a two-year relationship? Darn tootin' she's not ready. Too bad it took putting her toe in the water for her to realize it, because that sucks for you, but it's the truth, all right. At least she did realize it, though, instead of using you as Rebound Guy. That'd be worse.

I think you should tell her to call and see if you're available when she is ready and leave you alone until that time. Then leave her alone, too.

Trying to be friends wasn't a good idea from the outset. You're not her friend - you're a guy who's hoping she'll be ready to date you soon. And she won't be. It's going to take some time to heal from the breakup of her first lengthy involvement, and that is awful for her, but it is also absolutely Not Your Problem.

I am almost always impressed by the sage advice Helen outs forth here, and this case was no exception.

This woman needs some time to come to terms with herself and who she is as a singleton. In the meantime OP, you are just someone who is always there for her, as a BF replacement. How can she ever find out if she truly misses and wants you, or just wants to be with somebody, if you're always at her beck & call? Dial it way back, eliminate the texting and calls and maybe see her once every other week or so for a movie or dinner, but stop letting yourself in for any extra emotional angst. Give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants, and even if that isn't you as seems likely, you may make a friend out of it all. For now though, she is still healing, and she needs to do that alone. I know its easy to get caught up in the warm fuzzies of wishful thinking, hoping that things will suddenly change, but its self-defeating and unrealistic. Date other people and keep this one at arm's length at a minimum.
Joined: 1/6/2010
Msg: 25
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 2:26:31 PM
A few of us are wondering why YOU are so concerned with the OP? Do you like him or something? I mean, let him worry about responses. Glad you took the drinking picture down too. One step in the right direction. Mistakes are fine; stupid ones are not. Back to the OP; the woman is not interested. LET it go. Playing games, texting; is all lame.
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 27
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 6:19:17 PM
Yep you are in the friend zone sorry guy.
What you do or say will not make a difference now, so don't worry about it. Move on to someone that really is on the same level and wants the same things.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 29
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/22/2010 11:58:03 PM

2) I can respectfully decline her friendship.
3) I can begin holding the cards.

These two are the same thing. The only way to hold the cards in your own life (with her or anyone else) is not to participate in something that's not mutual.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 31
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:59:22 PM

Two days later she tells me she left my place feeling that she wasn't ready for this.

That means she's not that interested in you. Lacks attraction.

he had told me she got out of a two-year relationship a month ago and I was the first online date she had.

And she's probably got many new offers. And also her mind is on her ex still, and so she MAY not be as attracted to other guys for that reason. But more likely, it's new -- she needs to let loose and date a lot of guys. She saw you had more interest, and she said she wasn't "ready".

Do you think I should hang around and hope that I have a chance when she is ready? Or do you think she take advantage of my friendship because I am nice, and date around?

Don't be an idiot. :) Your chances of "waiting it out" is almost stalker-like. Hey, you can be friends with her, but if your emotions are about winning her over, just cut things off... and maybe run into her again amongst GROUPS of people.

You're Mr. Nice Guy(tm). Girls like that in people, but most are not sexually attracted to that... in fact, many are turned off. Learn not to be like that... but in the end, don't beat yourself up over it. Who knows -- with her, she may have not have been THAT interested in the end anyway, if you came across as a more confident, non-catering type of guy.

You're trying to win her over. Don't. Just expand your options elsewhere. It happens to everyone here and there. Don't suffer from one-itis and chase a gal in a weird "friends" way.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 33
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/24/2010 2:14:04 PM

She's hanging out with you because she thinks you are her...... FRIEND.

Yes, she thinks of him as just a friend. But the OP wasn't insinuating that she was playing him... but wondered whether she was truthful about "I'm not ready yet".

Fact of the matter is, people on a dating site and willing to meet people of the opposite sex will always be "ready" to be more-than-friends, regardless of whether they're looking to start out things as FWB, casual-no-expectations dating, or even to the point of something serious. What you are "ready" for is the type of situation... not desiring to and being more than just friends.

He was just wondering "Is she REALLY not ready, is that why?" The answer is no, that highly likely wasn't the truthful reason, as to why she wanted to be -just- friends. It's common because it's nice. There's truth to the fact that she isn't ready to be in a relationship right now, and she'll refer to that to let someone down easy that they're not that attracted to. If she thought he was hot, she would have maybe said "not ready for a relationship, let's just casually date" if he thought he was coming on to strong romantically. It's the same as "it's not you, it's me".

They both have a problem with the situation:
- When someone says "I'm not ready" as their let-down answer to be just friends, and still hang out, the other person is going to think "He/she is attracted to me and likes me; the only reason it's like this is because some issues are going on"

- The guy in this case is going to think she is attracted to him, and it's just issues she's having gotten out of a relationship. Making out, fooling around, etc., would be just too complicated. However, in due time, if he "hangs in there", he could easily find out she's starting to see some guy to some degree. He'll think "I thought you weren't ready for that!" He'll think he was played... when in fact she just wasn't attracted enough.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 37
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/25/2010 12:59:39 PM
So wait, how did this thread go from the the meaning of the standard line "I'm not ready YET [for dating]" (implying they will be, which can unknowingly lead people on if the one delivering the message still wants to hang out one-on-one), to everyone who has pre-relationship sex is a horrible, horny, dirty sex fiend? TOTALLY off topic!
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 40
I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/25/2010 7:52:56 PM
She didn't even imply sex is bigger than personality. That is like comparing apples & oranges, btw.

It's a statement that adequacy in the sexual relationship dept is a requirement, not that it means everything, that's all. For everyone, same goes with looks. Disagree? Have fun with a 4'3" humpback woman with benign sores, 3 teeth, and a natural green afro (but clean-cut and great personality otherwise) :) It doesn't matter that it's extreme, btw ... it just matters that there's a "looks" line for everyone -- and someone not "making" that line for you doesn't mean you only care about looks. Same goes with one's sexual compatibility (which looks plays into, too).
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 43
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I'm not ready yet... BS or truthful?
Posted: 1/27/2010 1:04:14 PM
Avoid, avoid, avoid.

She's trying to have her cake and eat it, too.

I was in a situation once that had certain parallels to yours. In my case, it was the occasional "no this is not going to happen between us" coupled with a bit of conversation that contradicted that, as well as quite a bit of almost-there "playtime"

She's trying to simultaneously shoot you down (no, even if I were ready, I wouldn't date you) while keeping you on the hook (with hours of playtime) as a backup plan or a last resort, and simultaneously using you as an emotional pillow.

Get out. Let her know exactly how you feel and what you want in this relationship, and if she can't reciprocate that, then, well, she knows where to find you if she ever makes up her mind and decides to stop playing the mixed message game.
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