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 pmtjerseygirl
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 26
I need advicePage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
HOW DARE YOU RESPOND THE WAY YOU DID? I TOOK TOTAL BLAME, CALLED HIM AND EMAILED HIM AND APOLOGIZED AND ASKED HIM TO TALK....SO I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT YOUR MISINFORMATION I DON'T KNOW BUT PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO REALLY READ AND COMPREHEND WHAT I WROTE....ONE THING I AM NOT IS LAME...BUT SOUNDS LIKE UR
 pmtjerseygirl
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 27
I need advice
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:36:29 PM
MY GOODNESS!! WHAT A REPLY!!! WHO HURT YOU AND MADE YOU SO ANGRY???????
 wishingwell555
Joined: 10/29/2009
Msg: 28
I need advice
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:36:54 PM
Usually when you say something wrong to someone you meet
and date off a datesite like POF, they do not forget it and they
move on. Sad, but true, many look for perfection in a person
when they themselves are not perfect.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 29
view profile
History
I need advice
Posted: 1/23/2010 1:22:04 PM
A great thing? No man that ever treated me well or was a great catch ever said anything hurtful to me so early on into a relationship. What I think you got honey was a Red Flag that showed his true colors. Thank your lucky stars you saw it and were able to break it off right then and there. Maybe it was the booze talking but is that the kind of guy you want to be involved with?
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 30
I need advice
Posted: 1/23/2010 3:04:36 PM

I've been really hurt (by a ltr 4 yrs) and I'm just beginning after 9 months to date again and am scared to death!!
You are a 52 year old woman (and presumably a counselor!?). You are responsible for healing YOURSELF before inflicting the residual pain of your raw wounds on the next target!


So on our last date, he said a few things that hurt and made me feel a bit uneasy which I may have over reacted to
O.K. At least you (sort of) admit you acted like a whackadoo!


SO I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT YOUR MISINFORMATION I DON'T KNOW BUT PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO REALLY READ AND COMPREHEND WHAT I WROTE
LET'S SEE WHERE WE GOT OUR MISINFORMATION, SHALL WE?


I told him to leave the bar we were at.
Oops. You most likely embarrassed him and certainly demostrared that you were not capable of refraining from making a public scene.

I regret it now
Well, at least you have the capacity for reflection. Just because you feel regret does not mean he has to forgive you. He probably thinks you have a screw loose!


have called him left him voice mails sent emails
As a mature woman and professional "counselor" or cat whisperer or whatever you are, you must surely be aware that guys hate this seesaw BS! Just more evidence on the whackadoo blotter!


to say I'm sorry and let's talk
Doesn't matter. As a trained counselor, you must be aware that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It is no secret to him, either!


but for the past 3 days haven't heard from him.
His prerogative. I bet he feels like he dodged a bullet!

I feel like I blew a really good thing with a great guy
Sounds like it. Maybe you should refresh your "counselor" credentials with additional training in conflict resolution.

and I am devastated and sad....what do I do?
Leave him alone. He thinks your batsh!t and nothing you do now will change that!
I can't keep emailing and calling
That didn't stop you from doing it before!
don't
want to pester.:
Then LEAVE HIM ALONE! you don't like the fact that he will go away thinking you are a nutbar! Maybe you are ... It seems strange that you would dump your whole sordid "hurt by a LTR" BS on some unsupecting guy who just wanted to have a nice time! Counselor, counsel thyself! banger:
P.S. Your veneer is thin. Typing in all caps doesn't help you appear any less unhinged!
 pmtjerseygirl
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 31
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 10:49:47 AM
YA KNOW WHAT-U R PROBABLY ALONE BECAUSE OF YOUR UNFEELING NATURE, INABILITY TO FORIGIVE, UNDERSTAND AND SHOW COMPASSION. YOU NEED HELP-HAVEN'T YOU EVER MADE A MISTAKE OR ARE YOU SO GRAND OR THINK UR WHICH IS PROBABLY THE CASE, THAT YOU NEVER THINK YOU'RE WRONG. I SUGGEST SOME HEAVY SOLE SEARCHING AND ADDITIONAL HELP OF A COUNSELOR TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR ANGER AND INTEREST IN HURTING PEOPLE. YOU WERE PROBABLY HURT VERY BADLY AS A CHILD, BY A MAN YOU ADORED ( DAD....PERHAPS?) SO BEFORE YOU MOUTH OFF AGAIN TO ANYONE, LOOK IN THE MIRROR.... I HAVE AN OPENING FOR YOU IF YOU LIVE IN THE AREA AND ARE READY FOR HELP. GOD BE WITH YOU.
 pmtjerseygirl
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 32
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 10:52:44 AM
THANK YOU CAROLANN...I'M STILL FEELING ABD ABOUT ASKING HIM TO LEAVE THE BAR-I HAD NO RIGHT-VERY IMMATURE ON MY PART...BUT I HAVE TRIED CALLING AND EMAILING AND APOLOGIZED AND I GUESS HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE ANOTHER CHANCE. I DO APPRECIATE YOUR WORDS-A COUPLE OF PEOPLE REALLY WROTE SOME VERY CRUEL THINGS...I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE WANT TO HURT SOMEONE WHO IS ALREADY HURTING....GUESS THAT'S SOME FEATURE OF HUMAN NATURE IN SOME....THANKS AGAIN. PATTY
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 33
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 11:10:24 AM

I SUGGEST SOME HEAVY SOLE SEARCHING

You mean she should look real hard at the bottoms of her feet? Or look really hard for a particular kind of fish fillet?
Sorry, kid, couldn't resist the temptation.
Look, pmtjerseygirl, I, and I'm sure most other folks here, are sorry that you've had some romantic misfortunes.
But the way you waded in and started trying psychoanalyze a complete stranger, on an internet discussion forum,because she didn't join your pity party, makes me think that you may be quite sensitive,tending to over-react/lash out wildly when something sets crosswise with you.
Whatever the case, I think , as others here have said, that you've pretty much shot yourself in the foot with this guy.
The horse is dead. Quit beating it.
Cindy O
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 34
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 11:30:50 AM
WHY "COUNSELOR," THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE FREE (and unsolicited) ADVICE. Guess I misunderstood the title of your thread - should it have been "I need to give advice"? I have absolutely no doubt you have plenty of openings in your practice.

I SUGGEST SOME HEAVY SOLE SEARCHING
Thanks! I checked ... All my shoes are in good repair. 
Too bad you can't be more open-minded about accepting advice versus only hearing what you want to hear - something you picked up during your education as a counselor, perhaps? HAHa. My advice is the same as any reputable mental health professional would dispense - Heal thyself! Maybe then you wouldn't be so likely to go looking for offense/hurt were there may have been none intended, and over-reacting as a result (you even admitted this)! Based on your multiple references to being hurt, scared, etc. it is difficult for me to align my thinking with yours in such a way that you are in any way justified in dismissing a male adult from a public place. You have done the proper thing in apologizing, but depending on the nature of your over-reaction, it should be obvious to you that he may not want to risk such a public put-down in the future.
So, once again, because as a counselor, you display an astounding lack of comprehension, here is my advice:
1. Fix yourself (abandonment issues, whatever contributes to your hurt, pain, fear)
2. Don't date until you can refrain from projecting the source of your
pain on other men
3. If you feel an over-reaction coming on make an attempt to deal with it in an adult fashion
4. Learn not to take things so personally on dates but, especially here in the forums
5. Quit trying to surround yourself with people who buoy up your own self-centered view of how others should treat you. We have no evidence that he said or meant anything truly hurtful, except that you interpreted it as such and you even ADMIT you are coming from a wounded place
6. Quit looking for injustice and blaming others for what you should be taking responsibilty for. No one owes you anything. He doesn't have to accept your apology and he doesn't have to give you another chance.
7. I think you know if you acted crazy or not - own it and move on. Quit wasting time "projecting" your own issues (shouldn't a counselor be familiar with this concept?) on others.
8. Leave him alone and honor his boundaries. For Krap's sake, TRY to put some of your "counselor" training into application for your real life experience!
9. QUIT TYPING IN ALL CAPS! you sound crazier than you may already be.
Finally
I HAVE AN OPENING FOR YOU IF YOU LIVE IN THE AREA AND ARE READY FOR HELP. GOD BE WITH YOU.
hahahaha!! Indeed! I would heartly agree with this and further, extend a wish for the Supreme Being's oversight with respect to your existing clients as well!!  
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 35
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 12:17:03 PM
OMG - now I get it ... Did your "apologies" to your date sound anything like this?
"YA KNOW WHAT-U R PROBABLY ALONE BECAUSE OF YOUR UNFEELING NATURE, INABILITY TO FORIGIVE, UNDERSTAND AND SHOW COMPASSION. YOU NEED HELP-HAVEN'T YOU EVER MADE A MISTAKE OR ARE YOU SO GRAND OR THINK UR WHICH IS PROBABLY THE CASE, THAT YOU NEVER THINK YOU'RE WRONG."
Uahahah!!!
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 36
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 12:32:03 PM
OP...your reaction to WQTTB indicates how you reacted to your date when he said something that hurt your feelings.

I agree that hurting your feelings so soon in the relationship is a red flag, but misunderstanding happen especially in a drinking enviroment.

But I don't blame him for not responding to your repeated messages of apologies. The whole thing sounds like way too much drama.

I think you ought to examine the soles of your own shoes....
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 37
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 12:39:50 PM
WOW is all I can say! Your really a counselor? No way, you go angry, from 0 to 60 in zero seconds, and HE is wrong? I read this thread last night, BEFORE, you posted your replies, glad I didn't post.

In all these situations on this forum, we only get one side, the OP's. As another poster pointed out, I wonder what his story would be. You realize CAPS means shouting don't you?

First let me dispel, your thoughts that you've healed up. You need to work on you more, a lot more. If you can get this angry, at laymen, ordinary people, you simply asked for advice, I can only imagine, what you said to this guy, when he hurt your feelings. If it were me, I'd probably be getting a protective order against you. lol

Whatever happened to discussing your feelings, in a calm rational way? What did he say to you(which you seem to be avoiding telling us) that so wounded you that you asked him to leave?

From your reaction, both to him and to us, I think HE'S the one who dodged a bullet.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 38
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 1:04:27 PM
Wow everybody - we totally missed it!! The REAL reason the OPie Is here...

I met someone here ....what do I do? I can't keep emailing and calling don't want to pester.
Hmmm ... Let me think ... He's on PoF, won't respond to voicemails, phone calls or emails ... Let's see ... I know! Why don't you reverse trace his phone number to get his address and wait in the bushes until he gets home? What, no bushes? Rats. Let's see ... I've got it!!

Why don't you post a thread "explaining" and rationalizing your behavior on that fateful night and just sit back waiting for a bunch of sunshine to be blown up your skirt about how he should give you another chance? That way, maybe he will see it and take the group consensus to heart! This sounds like a perfect plan except for one small detail ... The forumites ain't buying your particular brand of BS, today.

The only thing you have accomplished here is to unveil more of who you are as a person! Sorry, OP, it appears the impression you gave him of being a psychobabble-b!tch is most likely the one that leaps to the fore when he thinks of you. This thread and your responses will serve to do nothing more than lend credibility to that point of view!! Didn't turn out the way you wanted ... Next time pass out the script!!
 ChancesRMD
Joined: 4/11/2009
Msg: 39
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 1:07:31 PM
OP- Did you ever answer the question so many people have asked regarding specifically what the guy said that was so hurtful?

If they guy are as dumb as a box of rocks you would be getting one reaction from us, if he said that outfit looks nice on you and you went bezerk you would probably get a different reaction.

Quit arguing with the Cleavers and answer the question. Preferably not in caps. Thank you.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 40
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 2:10:56 PM

Why don't you post a thread "explaining" and rationalizing your behavior on that fateful night and just sit back waiting for a bunch of sunshine to be blown up your skirt about how he should give you another chance? That way, maybe he will see it and take the group consensus to heart!


Ha! When I read the OP's first post, this is exactly what I thought. Let's see, you make a thread, tell your story and how sorry you are, and then (though he hasn't responded to emails, calls, etc.) you send ONE more email with the forum address.

Surely, by saying everything in public, it makes everything better. Also, on the off chance he hadn't read the emails, force it in his face!

Sounds like a plan!


A KNOW WHAT-U R PROBABLY ALONE BECAUSE OF YOUR UNFEELING NATURE, INABILITY TO FORIGIVE, UNDERSTAND AND SHOW COMPASSION.


Lady, you aren't a counselor. I KNOW counselors and people who have degrees in psychology. This is a childish, spiteful, judgmental thing to say.


YOU WERE PROBABLY HURT VERY BADLY AS A CHILD, BY A MAN YOU ADORED ( DAD....PERHAPS?)


Why do all the armchair psychologists say this? I have not only have had it said to me when I criticized religion, but I have read it in other forums. It is the catch-phrase of the day.

Move on, OP.

I can only add, "Physician, heal thyself."
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 41
I need advice
Posted: 1/24/2010 2:11:07 PM
So many posters have said what immediately came to my mind, that perhaps this could have been handled in a more mature manner. You say you "may" have over reacted....well, if you insisted he leave the bar, that is categorically an over reaction, no "maybe" about it. He may feel you still have too much to deal with to form the type of relationship he was looking for.
 Sefra
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 42
I need advice
Posted: 2/20/2010 6:33:25 PM
Women like you constantly find themselves in horrible relationships... evidenced by your comment that you had been really hurt and are now afraid..blah blah blah...

Do you know why?

Because you are a lot smarter than you think...but you don't trust it... You double guess yourself... you back peddle after reacting instinctively... by feeling bad.


You feel bad, you apologize, when all along the ***hole deserved your anger.


Be strong.


Let the 'tard go... His inability to communicate is godsend... maybe he will remain mute and stunted emotionally so that you might learn to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!

 loganlots
Joined: 12/25/2009
Msg: 43
I need advice
Posted: 2/20/2010 6:57:34 PM
OP. You need to sort your head out before you start dating other people.

Other people want to date you the person, not the luggage you carry.

Seems to me, you are not ready to date at this time.

Until you can forgive the past and learn from it, the future looks bleak.
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 44
view profile
History
I need advice
Posted: 2/20/2010 7:16:54 PM
OP...Please help me, If I ever run into a counselor like you, advise me to RUN!!!!You come across like a nut bar.
 Blue Mermaid
Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 45
view profile
History
I need advice
Posted: 2/20/2010 7:56:58 PM
Excellent advice Sefra and I should take it myself!

I've never acted enough on my gut feeling and instinct and always end up looking back, knowing it was right all along.

Was quite taken aback when I read your description, as it's so me (minus the anger...have never asked someone to leave a private place, let alone a public one!).

You should be getting paid for such good insight and advice! Haven't read your profile...maybe you're a counsellor yourself.

All the best

BM
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 46
view profile
History
I need advice
Posted: 2/21/2010 2:53:53 AM
pure drama.....................their dating, she blew him off and embarrassed him in a public venue.
OP, look inside, doesn't seem your ready for a relationship, seems the control issue sprouted.

Was this over sex on 5th date?
 RonnieB77
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 47
I need advice
Posted: 2/21/2010 6:16:05 AM
Game over.

If what he said was that awful to be merrit the way you treated him then you don't want him back.

If what he said wasn't worthy of the treatment, and you both know if it was or not, then you are a psycho with issues and he is probably still running.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 48
view profile
History
I need advice
Posted: 2/21/2010 10:29:51 AM

OP- Did you ever answer the question so many people have asked regarding specifically what the guy said that was so hurtful?

If they guy are as dumb as a box of rocks you would be getting one reaction from us, if he said that outfit looks nice on you and you went bezerk you would probably get a different reaction.
This is exactly what I'm thinking. Any advice offered here is useless if the proper context of the OP's blowup is undefined. My personal experience: I once had a girlfriend with slightly wavy hair, she spent over an hour ironing it flat before I came over her place; I see her and tell her how nice she looks with flatter hair, and she BLEW UP thinking I had made fun of her somehow. Go figure.

The comments of people in this thread assuming one thing or the other about the OP or her partner are comical! Let's assume the guy is an asshat because he supposedly said "hurtful" things. Let's assume the OP is an overreactive drama queen because she ordered her partner to leave the restaurant! I'd lean toward the latter because the after Msg1 the OP spewed a couple of capitalized rants not targeted specifically at anyone.

9 months ought to be enough time for a 52 year old divorced woman to recover from a 4 year long-term relationship and not rant and rave every time something doesn't go her way.
 RugbyIrish
Joined: 11/13/2008
Msg: 49
I need advice
Posted: 2/21/2010 1:51:41 PM
Be a big girl and get the FU_CK over it.

You cannot experience anything in life without risking pain, injury... or a broken heart. You have to take chances or you will end up being the creepy cat lady living out of a box on the street corner.

If I were him, I would cut you off and NEVER speak to you again. Can't handle a woman who is too sensitive and overreacts over minuscule things in life
 countonme2bt
Joined: 12/17/2007
Msg: 50
I need advice
Posted: 2/21/2010 2:41:37 PM
My experince tells me you started dating to soon, it takes a minumim of three years to move past a long term relationship. Most people jump in to the fire pit not working out the issues that put them there in the first place. Then look for answers to fix the next disaster.. This is called the snow ball affect, ones judgement is never on target to detect a good mate when our emotion are not in check as well ones self-esteem. We all deserve to be loved thou one needs to have a healthy mental state and honesty would never allow someone in to your life that would disrespect your feeling. Nor to do the same in turn..................................................

Best of luck to you.................
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