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Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 8
Men wanting back in your lifePage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Maybe they grew up? Which would mean they weren't mature when you thought they were hot.

maybe they think you are a fall back girl who will take them? or they just don't care what you think? if either are true, then they don't think much of you...hopefully they were better when you dated them.

if you keep finding the same type of person, that's b/c you think that type is hot.....
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 12
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Men wanting back in your life
Posted: 1/23/2010 5:56:45 AM
Well, number one, while I can see how this would be somewhat frustrating, you could instead of the angst that is seeping from this post, step back and see what a compliment this is, and particularly coming from many men that you have been with. Yeah, it would be nice if they weren't stupid in the first place and you had just stayed together but absent that situation, it really says a lot about the type of person you are and the girlfriend/wife you are.

Also, I can see why you wouldn't want to get back with a recent person and you are seeing someone so it is a no go but to me, finding out what the person you were with 17 years ago is like now might be worth investigating.

In the last couple of years I have encountered some couples that have gotten together and while they have had some problems here and there, they remain together, very happy, and virtually all of them readily recognize that had they met each other 10-20 years ago, they might have gotten together but they would not have remained together today.

Most people simply aren't good enough at living together while they are learning all of the life lessons that allow them to have successful relationships a little bit later in life to stay together while they are remolding themselves. Needs change too. My youngest still has some years at home and while I consider someone's capabilities as a father in the mix of dating and moving at some point to long-term, the ability to be a good person in an adult child's and grandchildren's lives is a little bit different from the 24/7 hands-on father that a younger person would seek.

I can understand your angst and the post but wouldn't it be more valuable to figure out what the common denominator is among these guys that saw the grass as greener rather than lamenting that they not only did that, but came back to mow your lawn? Sorry for the potentially snarky analogy but there ya go.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 14
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Men wanting back in your life
Posted: 1/23/2010 6:14:16 AM

gtomustang With the ex he has apologized for being a JERK and treating me badly. He has stopped drinking and using drugs but the way I look at it this should have been done years ago. He knew he messed up and I think he wants to relive the past. Too much has pass but will keep as a friend since he if the father of our children.

You are of course entitled to the way you feel but this is kinda sad. And it sounds kinda petty. Instead of taking a look and seeing (depending on how long he has been clean) whether you would even have something together you are kinda like you fuked up and are not redeemable. Curious, did he drink and use when you got together or was that something that happened after you started popping out kids?

You're pissed that he didn't get his head out of his butt earlier but this attitude also indicates that you haven't really forgiven him and until you do, no matter who you are with you are not going to be as fully happy as you would be if you let it go. Easy to say what he should have done but do you recognize how many people would give their eye teeth for the knowledge and the acknolwedgement that he put you through hell? Many people would be happy to just realize that he actually gets what he did whether he says anything about it or not.

What people should have done is often either immaterial or just a means of not letting go of the crap you can't change. Good to know that you welcome some sort of friendship with him if only for your children.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
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Men wanting back in your life
Posted: 1/23/2010 7:11:51 AM
In my experience, this sort of thing is NEVER a result of them thinking that YOU might want to get back together, rather it's just that they remember the last time they had a good time with you (especially if sex was involved), and they contact you for another go round. I don't believe 'thinking' (at least not with that upper brain) is actually involved.
Just say cheerfully "Don't be silly!" and keep on truckin'.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 26
Men wanting back in your life
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:33:17 PM
I think when men are single, they just flip thru the black book/cell contact list and contact anyone they dated in the past when their current options aren't panning out. I also agree that they have selective memories and think of most past relationships as positive.
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 28
Men wanting back in your life
Posted: 1/23/2010 12:50:59 PM
Maybe somehow you have given them some message or a feeling that you were approachable.

OR.. Some men are just more like the mammal animal they are. When they were with you they "marked their territory" through the intimacy. They believe that once the barrier between 1st meet and naked has been broken, it wont be so much work to navigate that again.

IF the breakup wasnt so ugly or have restraining orders.. then the door APPEARS to be less locked and bolted than not.

I would tend to think that since you have ALLOWED them to easily make contact, THEY are getting the message that you TOO arent totally done and over.

If this new guy is ALL THAT and fills ALL YOUR NEEDS, why are you ALLOWING contact from yesterdays stuff? Unless you have minor children with them, make it DONE and FINAL.

HAVE you MOVED ON? Or still maintaining contact?
Joined: 11/23/2008
Msg: 33
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Men wanting back in your life
Posted: 1/23/2010 1:25:03 PM
You left him for a reason and time makes you forget all the details. Don't go back and don't let them use you for their sex toy. He is a sniffing dog. Send him away and don't let him deposit his scent..
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 47
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Men wanting back in your life
Posted: 1/23/2010 4:37:38 PM
This is one of the running jokes in my life. At one time, it got to the point my friends had a bet running on how long before an ex contacted me after a relationship ended. I don't worry about my exes motives for contacting me after a break up, it's simply a no-go for me. I take it as a compliment(at least they remember me in some sort of positive light), then tell them no.

The various reasons I have heard run along the same themes. They made a mistake, thought they could do better, etc. The reasons they give could even be true and honest, but why take the chance to be hurt like that by an ex again? The reasons why they may want you back aren't really important, but what you want in your future is.
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