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 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 38
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Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/DatingPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
funny how many women make sense of humor one of their primary desires in a man, and here you are finding a way to make it a drawback.

winston churchill was known for his wit, and he had the grit to hold a nation together when hell's own armies were camped on the beach 30 miles away.

can someone really show they have guts and heart based on three questions? can you, op?
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 42
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/25/2010 4:31:18 PM

I read somewhere by somebody that we should take our games as seriously as possible, and real life as unseriously as possible. Sometimes I tend to think that this person was right. I think it may have been Oscar Wilde, who was almost always right.

What difference does it make, it's all the same script, produced and interpreted by the one..right?
Joined: 6/10/2007
Msg: 47
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/25/2010 9:31:37 PM
When I start dating someone, I prefer things to be low pressure. I want to feel comfortable and I want my date to feel that way too. My parents always told me NOT to talk about religion, politics, and previous relationships, on the first date. If people are comfortable, they will offer information about themselves more readily than if they feel under a microscope. As I get to know a person, I am able to glean information and feel more comfortable asking questions. I don't know anyone who ever got married on a first date. For me, first dates are a way to meet someone new and nice (hopefully), have a good time and see if there is any chemistry or future dating potential. If so, then we take it from there.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 48
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Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/25/2010 9:45:22 PM
Give me a fluid person; one who can laugh one moment and deal with the issue in front of us the next.

There isn't a burden in life that isn't made lighter with laughter.

I don't believe in worrying about a problem before its time. It'll get here whether we worry about it or not; when it is here, I'll deal with it and not before. It's that fluid thing again.
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 51
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:03:12 AM
OP...going how you have come back on responding to many responces defending yourself....shows you take things way to seriously. At least it appears this way....many might be thinking there are far worse things a person can do than just present a little to much humor.

But, seriously from a meer picture, you can predict and see if there is true chemistry?

Really are you meerly concerned with just looks...?, or is there a magic crystal ball inside your head that can see just a picture and sum up a person completely.

Please put this on the market for all of us, it would save us, so much wasted time....

And only dates the younger ones...hmmm...a picture is forming here, a cougar who has pre conceived notions based on probably one example in her life....and holds that against any who show a sign of wit.

But, I won't go there....I don't even know you, and a meer picture and a few post can't tell the real or whole story...I would have to be a dim wit to think otherwise.
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 53
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 9:14:34 AM
Well, OP, what it boils down to is you're a serious person with a light-hearted side, not a light-hearted person with a serious side.

Personally, I believe I'm a fairly even split, although I do find it annoying when conveying I'm being serious about a subject and someone continues to make light of it - but that's generally after I already know someone (my ex was/is notorious for it and it is something he takes with him even to serious medical appointments and won't give doctors serious responses to their questions). On a first date??...not so much. Then it's about reading the person in other ways which are non-verbal.

It sounds as though you do need to take more time before you go on that first date. I can't for the life of me understand why you go in the first place if you believe from a picture there will never be any chemistry. Although a picture may be worth a thousand words, it's taken in a moment of time and it tells you absolutely nothing about who the person actually is.

I'm sorry, but you're far too judgmental for your own good - you sabotage yourself at every turn. You want a person whose picture attracts you but you say that none do, who can be serious first and have a sense of humour second, accepting of the fact that you will initially lie about your age to suck them in, and on and on it goes. I can't see where lying about your age to suck in someone younger would work at any rate. Once they get past your picture and your age and then what you expect from a partner, believe me, they're going to lose interest in you likely just as fast as you losig interest in them, if not faster. You come across as not liking people overly much and it's difficult to tell if it's because you place yourself in too high regard or if it's a defence mechanism in case they may find fault with you first. You speak often of intelect, which is a fine thing to possess, however, if you're lacking in social intellect and are rigid about what a man must conform to, you might as well keep your nose buried in a book and share your humour with the friends and family you already possess. Join a mensa dating web-site - I'm sure you'll find no end of serious discussion there to suit you.

At any rate, whatever it is, at 58 (and a half), it's obviously not working for you and hasn't for some time. As is said most often in these threads, there comes a time when you have to realize if the same problems keep arising, you have to start to realize you're the common demoninator, humour or seriousness aside.
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 55
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 9:54:54 AM
You're quite the mixed bag of tricks and, as I've stated before, a complex individual in your way of thinking - actually, often contradictory in how you process your thoughts, but perhaps this has to do with your disability that you've mentioned. You didn't know what a lie was up until well into adulthood, and yet you have no problem lying to "advertise". Then your analogies for the advertising are a bit scewed - my analogy would be more along the lines of advertising a 2010 model of vehicle when, in fact, it's a 2000. Would the consumer feel lied to? Yes. Would they then wonder iabout everything else the vehicle was purported to have be as advertised? Yes, they'd wonder - and they'd likely not want to go any further because of it. So, yes, do change your age (if you haven't already) back to what you actually are. Hey, I never had any problems and I don't profess to have a lack of wrinkles and my b/f is 6 years younger than go for the truth, especially if you expect it to be given back (and we met on a dating site - so there IS hope for you too, being that you do like men).
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 56
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 10:06:39 AM
Well I'm going to jump around a little in response to your last statement OP.

"I only realized when I was 45 that people lied."

I won't quote the rest of that paragraph, but you'll get the idea. You go onto say "hard as it may sound, I didn't" well, that seems to have changed! That you can list yourself as one age, whether or not you disclose it later, is a lie! So whatever you took away from that lesson, it certainly wasn't "lying is not good". As for "gracious and brotherly" sorry, doesn't cut it. Unless you kept yourself apart and aloof, you must have been attracted to men, ergo, why would they not be attracted to you? Similarly, there are distinct signs that either sex give when interested in each other, some for friendship or brotherly, some for attraction and sex.

As to photo's and chemistry, sorry that doesn't make the grade either. I've met or seen dozens of women, I THOUGHT, I had chemistry with, only to find nothing existed upon getting to know them. Further I can state, unequivocally, I have known women, who I wasn't physically attracted to, but upon getting to know them, an attraction grew. I'm sure the phenomenon, is not unique to me. Meeting, talking, exchanging ideas is a relationship dynamic, that often is a game changer.

Again, as for standing up for oneself, being passe, is downright bunk! The problem is those who don't, are either using it as an excuse, for insecurity or some other personal problem. As opposed to being a mature, individual with boundries, and a sense of independence.

Finally with all due respect, I would not read your article on dating. While I'm sure your observations may cite some clinical points, it probably is not very accurate, due to the fact you fail to understand the reactions, thoughts or views expressed by the various daters who have posted. You just soldiered on in your myopic views of human relations. I'm sorry, but taking your view, we at POF, seem so much a science experiment gone awry, rather than feeling, thinking people, who for the most part, represent the vast and broad view of the population. We are not without fault, flaw or prejudice, but have souls, feelings and thoughts, at least equal to your own.

I would stop and explain why you won't succeed here, but allow you to proceed with your futile attempt to date. Some will be attracted to you, some will ask you out, but short of a lightning strike, in terms of randomness, it won't work. It can't, because of the way you are, cold, clinical and egalitarian, we are not.

That's not a judgement, well maybe it is. Though it is based on a number of threads, a number of your posts and the sense I get from your profile.
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 60
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 10:48:38 AM
Sorry again, OP, but you seem to take exception to the fact that you've lied about your, in your words, manipulate. Being complex enough myself to at least attempt to understand where someone else comes up with their rationalizations, whether or not the "manipulation" was made, it was a lie that was used in order to manipulate the "system". When it comes down to it, it's not the system itself you are attempting to manipulate but men who, like you, have their own criteria for the age range of women they wish to be in contact with. Whether or not they chose to go further on a date with you, by your own words, they were basically "shamed" into it. They continued in order to save face - caused by your deception/lie/manipulation. Whatever you want to call it, it started from a lie.

You contradict yourself even by stating that you don't contradict yourself by stating that you have been accused so many times of leading men on and of giving mixed messages when nothing of the kind was intended. How is it, I wonder, that not only I, but others see constant contradictions. Mixed messages and leading people on is, in fact, caused by a contradiction of either something you say or do. If you are up front and non-contradictory, there is no room for mixed messages or leading people on.

But, we're going way off topic of the original intent of your post. I can tell you this much, I find the seriousness of your situation humorous at times, while at the same time touched with a good dose of sadness. You sound as though you want something which you are incapable of having, almost on purpose. Seriously...ever given thought to the fact you may need some kind of hormone adjustments in the way of HRT in order to jump start that chemistry you seem to find so elusive when all else is in place to intrigue you?
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 61
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 10:57:22 AM
"Are you all so cynical that you cannot give someone the benefit of the doubt?"

Well there is benefit, and then there is benefit. I know that when you posted to that old thread you ressurected, I looked at your profile, and it was different, with no mention of the age discrepancy. Since that was just with in 2 weeks, we see that we have another slight, ever so slight error!

From your profile: "By the way I'm 58 1/2 years old and will turn 60 in August 2010."

Now color me crazy, but since it is now January 2010, and August is a scant 7 months away, how exactly do you age 18 months in that time? Definitely some sort of scientific anomaly, I guess. Or is this the pinocchio effect?
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 62
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Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 11:22:56 AM

From your profile: "By the way I'm 58 1/2 years old and will turn 60 in August 2010."

Since they don't allow her to change her age I think a simple solution would be to delete your profile and start over. This time being completely honest from the start. It's not fair to lure men to your profile with an incorrect age. They are not going to believe anything they read after that if they don't just leave your page as I'm sure most would.
Joined: 7/25/2008
Msg: 63
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 11:29:29 AM

“My philosophy is that when life throws you a a problem to deal with, you can either laugh or cry.”

Well, why can’t one just solve the problem without any emotions getting involved? If one is doing a math problem, one just looks at it and works it out. There’s no happiness or sadness attached to it. It’s just an intellectual issue. I tend to be quite calm in emergencies because i completely ignore my emotions and just focus on sorting out the problem, whatever it is.

Because I am human. Emotion is the basis of humanity.

Without emotion there can be no love.
Without emotion there can be no passion.
Without emotion there can be only indifference.

I would hate to live in a world without emotion.
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 65
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 11:44:37 AM
Aw, don't take what I said literally....actually my first post were more along the line as to my way of looking at it...

I just think every book can't be judged by what we read for my above comments? meerly a play on words to show in a sense, to make a point. That meer small things can be used to judge people...which in a sense if what it appeared you are doing by basing a persons initial humor as a sumation of all there is about them?

See the point? Meerly a play on words...

I can't judge you...I don't know you, how could I?

As for attraction, its important to a point, and sometimes you can see a person thru their eye's which are the mirror of their minds....but I can't use that either to solely judge them.

Have a great day.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 66
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Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 12:00:55 PM

Life is tough. I want to be with someone who is strong enough to handle the tough times, who is wise enough to be able to make the right decisions, who is knowledgeable enough to have something worthwhile to say.

It has been my experience that when one has been deluged with difficulty and they really have nothing left with which to cope with whatever hardships they endure, the grace often offered us is the ability to continue to laugh even in the face of great tragedy.

Your serious and/or deep philosophical nature equips you no better to cope in difficult situations than someone that takes everything on the cuff. The latter, while it may appear they do not value things or care, is often best equipped to survive life's hurdles without bitterness. Some of the funniest people I know are also the ones I want watching my back.

If you want to know what a man is serious about, why be obtuse and cross him off your list of who is important because he missed the segway into serious discussion? You could merely actually say, that was actually a serious question because I would like to now more about you. Your approach is more likely to result in your bypassing someone that might be really well-suited to you, particularly if he has a military background.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 67
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Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 3:17:01 PM
Wow, just wow, I am not 1/3 of the way down page three and OP, you have some issues.

You have a passive aggressive attitude toward dating because dates do make you nervous, hence why you have never enjoyed them and I wonder if part of your problem is that you have a disconnect with other people in general because the way you come across in your posts, you don't seem to have normal reactions to anything.

You are pissed so instead of actually acting like a grown-up and telling someone I am not ready to meet you, you go and sabotage the whole thing because you expect him to be a douche before you ever leave the house.

For someone that wants to help the world, you are pretty frigging judgmental about the worthiness of the people in it. If you ever get beyond the dregs of San Diego society to actually meet people that need help, you will find that those in most dire straights, in need of the most help, will be laughing far more than many more fortunate people. Guess if they can laugh through their misery, they won't be worthy of your serious attention.

Sorry, but your posts, your profile, spark of a pseudo-intellectual desperate to keep others from finding out whatever it is you feel inadequate about.

All the lying about the age, why you aren't lying, blah, blah, shredded whatever tiny bit of credibility you might have had.

So many today just live in the now and don't think of next year, or even ten years down the line, just "lets get through the week till tgif"...maybe because the plans we made when we were younger and in love were dashed by divorce so you then can say "just because you make plans does not mean they will happen" Yes, the happy times are the easy part. But you really know you have someone who truly loves you when they are right next to you when the goin gets tough. Too many bail and claim "drama"....those are the self centered ones and can not be counted on. And there are a lot of you out there.

Some people have come to realize that life is too short, it can end on a dime, and while one must consider the long term to a degree, the only thing we are guaranteed is today so I for one try to live that way. And this bailing part? Most of us in our youth, found it noble to stand by someone that they were totally incompatible with and in dysfunctional relationships because they saw something noble about hanging in alone, regardless of whether there was a snowball's chance in hell a relationship would work. Thank God I no longer live in unreality land.
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 68
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 7:38:03 PM
For me, humor IS a big part of chemistry.

Whomever pointed out that the OP should look for serious partners was correct. People who are at extreme opposites of the optimism-pessimism spectrum probably should not try to be together - chemistry or not.
Joined: 7/25/2009
Msg: 69
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 7:50:17 PM
I have to agree with you. Maybe I am too serious as well, but someone who jokes repeatedly over a serious issue makes me think I can't trust him and that he is hiding something behind his laughter. Usually, I assume that he is hiding it because it's an answer he feels that I would not be comfortable hearing...which can't be good. I probably have a tainted opinion though because my ex husband was verbally abusive using all kinds of words to cuss me then play it off like I can't take a joke. That made me begin to start associating humor with someone who can't be trusted. Did something similar happen to you?
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 70
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:11:30 PM

Maybe I am too serious as well, but someone who jokes repeatedly over a serious issue makes me think I can't trust him and that he is hiding something behind his laughter.

Look, nobody here is in support of inappropriate or excessive humor/joking around.Belittling, sarcasm directed at a person,making someone the butt of jokes...these things ARE NOT FUNNY. And using humor to perpetrate meanness is also a non-starter. But generally speaking a positive attitude and a sense of humor about life, love and the hassles of the day, is a PLUS.
Laughter is good medicine.
Cindy O
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 71
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:36:09 PM
All of this has been a great read! Lots of interesting contributions... though I'm a little distracted by my mental picture of two massive, god-like but cartoony avatars representing Humor and Seriousness battling in an epic sky-set sword-fight to Take Over the World... I should submit that to Neil Gaiman, he'd know what to do with it.

How on earth is this a choice or a conflict? Why can one - or two, if a couple - not have both simultaneously? I cannot view humor and seriousness as mutually exclusive.

So many very serious things are also very funny! I've nearly won Darwin Awards a few times, myself, and I'm here to tell you, survival is funny. And anyone who doesn't see the humor in the time I chased the big scary purse-snatcher down the street, yelling "Thief! Thief!" - and he ran from me - is just lacking in perspective, in my opinion. Which hardly means that it wasn't serious when it occurred!

Like ArabianAngel said, there's a balance... salty, sweet... we need both.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 72
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Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/26/2010 9:32:12 PM
Your later responses tell me that there's a lot more to this than just differences in humor. You mention more than once that you are angry at people you agreed to meet with, because you feel they rushed you. If I understood correctly, you were THEN very likely to see their failure to change levels of humor to match you, as FURTHER indications of a mismatch. You also said that you go to these meetings assuming there will BE no match.
So, again, That means there's a huge undercurrent here that isn't part of what you've talked about. I wouldn't say it's that you've "experienced too much life", as you said to me, since my sense of humor has CHANGED, including growth in many areas, and my tolerance of others overall has also increased with my misfortunes and fortunes, both.
You appear to have more serious issues to work out, and I have no idea what they are, except that they are making you very negative towards those you are meeting with. Perhaps it's as simple as that you've been communicating with a string of guys who fail to answer your questions online first, and who somehow succeed in pushing you to meet anyway. If that's the case, then it's a matter of figuring out what buttons of yours they are pushing that make you feel trapped, and getting rid of those damn buttons.
I USED to have buttons like that myself, left over from either my childhood, or other situations where I had to bow to authorities who I did not like. When I found out I was STILL responding to authority types by giving in, I ripped the damn responses out of my subconscious and flung them far away. Perhaps you need to do something like that too.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 73
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Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/27/2010 8:11:07 AM

I would not dare - ever - to make a presumption about someone else, without knowing them for a very, very long time. Until one is telepathic, one does not know the thoughts and motivations inside one. It is the utmost ignorance to dare to presume that one can make a comment about someone else.

And yet you did this with these guys with a heck of a lot less to go on than you have shown on this thread.

And OP, perhaps the bigger part of your problem is that you are a cultural snob. It apparently doesn't hurt your feelings to live in the United States in your nice safe town, yeah San Diego, upscale and safe, not living among the dregs you purport to help. So how are you different than the Americans you eschew? Certainly if you wanted to help humanity living somewhere wherein there are people that need help would be a good idea.

Concluding that Americans as a whole are unfit in comparison to the other people in the world that have suffered more is likely why you don't get on with these people, it has nothing to do with humor or not humor.

Case you haven't noticed you seem to hate America and Americans so really, you could just leave and find people more to your liking that are worthy of your acquaintance.

People who claim not to have friends rarely offer the hand of friendship themselves. People who claim to not understand people most often do not take the opportunity to try to find out what is behind the humor. For all you know, the guy that you think jokes too much was physically and emotionally abused as a child and humor has helped salve the hurts. Maybe he hides behind the humor until he knows someone enough to trust them with a bit of the real him, the one that is in pain still and the one that can be hurt.

I laugh a lot, every single day, it keeps me sane, that doesn't mean I am not concerned about serious things, other people, social and political issues that need to be addressed but I don't feel the need to sit around acting serious to be serious about those things.
Joined: 10/22/2008
Msg: 74
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/27/2010 4:22:20 PM
A light heart in a relationship is a plus! Especially in the beginning who needs all the heavy issue laden conversations. The people I have had in my life who made my stomach hurt from laughing sooo hard are those who have drawn their humor from sadness and heartache and circumstances beyond their control. They make sense of these experiences for themselves and for the rest of us. WITH HUMOR Don't assume they are not deep.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 77
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Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/27/2010 9:07:51 PM

Funny people need love, too, you know.

So do you sweetie, so do you!
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 78
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Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/27/2010 9:29:28 PM
As if first meetings weren't minefield enough...

Anyone not being themselves from the start can't possibly believe that anything lasting in value is about to occur despite ourselves... it takes chemistry driven inspiration , linkages leaping into existence to prevent the demons of our past from suicide bombing every chance we get to start something good.
Someone playing 20 questions with a knife behind their back is certainly the kind of evening I enjoy...

Lets do this again
 Pirate Mollie
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 80
Humor vs Seriousness in a Relationship or Courting/Dating
Posted: 1/29/2010 8:13:46 PM
i think we should all have a since of humor. like i think it is fuking hilarious that i am going back to school and i am taking all of these really stupid classes and then there is history. didn't that happen a long time ago? talk about how to suck my clit and then i might interested. i probably wouldnt be paying attention but i would see the guys who were.
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