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 AUTHOR
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
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The Legal Separation....Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Is going direct to divorce legal in your state? It isn't in mine. If you have the option, and you are sure it's the course you want, I'd go for the divorce, just to save the cost of going through a bunch of lawyers twice.
What ever you do, DON'T rush into a decision until you see YOUR lawyer, who can explain clearly what your options and your areas of danger are. My ex planned for over a year to divorce me, before springing it on me with a vicious grin for personal gratification. I had to speak to a lawyer of my own to stop her from arranging the entire separation and divorce to suit her selfish greed and revenge motives.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 19
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 1/31/2010 10:37:25 AM
just a note...in some states legal separation is included in the code as a way to facilitate plural marriages by legally protecting the intial family. She's in Utah....
 Estival
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 20
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History
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 1/31/2010 1:25:39 PM
OP, one other thing I need to say here. You say your baby comes first. If that's really true, then YOU come first. The very best thing you can do for your baby is take care of yourself - s/he is helpless without you. YOU need to be as healthy and protected as possible, or you can't take care of the child.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21
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History
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 1/31/2010 3:26:29 PM
WTT, you are very lucky and your son has benefited from the maturity of two parents that cared about him, kudos, and also for recognizing the positive input of step-dad. Some people's egos won't allow it.


OP, one other thing I need to say here. You say your baby comes first. If that's really true, then YOU come first. The very best thing you can do for your baby is take care of yourself - s/he is helpless without you. YOU need to be as healthy and protected as possible, or you can't take care of the child.

This is really the bottom line. Sometimes we do what we have to do not what we really want to do. If your motives are purely about your child, you can look yourself in the mirror and your child in the eye, all you really need to worry about.
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 22
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 1/31/2010 5:52:41 PM


So after two years and one baby (now 4 months old), my husband tells me he isn't happy.


Did you ask him why? He isn't happy, or he isn't happy with you?



Not only that, two days later I find out he already filed for divorce behind my back.


This is an odd behavior for a man who has just become a father.

1) Is he the father of your child?
2) Have you had an affair?
3) Did he want children?
4) Was the child planned?
5) How good has you sex-life been?



Reaching out to you guys in the hardest moment of my life.


No, you are not. From what I see, you are reaching out to women in order to learn how to best cover your ass. When it comes down to it, "take him for all he's got" seems to be the common advice.... so go for it. Teach him a lesson! Marriage is for fools.
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 23
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History
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 1/31/2010 7:17:15 PM

txredbull. This advice entirely wrong. You sound angry and bitter. Most lawyers generally push the parties to an amicable division without the need to go to court. In this and many states there is a mandated mediation process that urges the parties through mediation so that proceedings are uncontested. Most lawyers here are quite happy to have their clients go through mediation and settle everything amicably. As far as lawyers pushing right wrong atmosphere, that is absurd. No fault divorce takes that entirely out of the equation for the most part.

Why would I be angry or bitter?? Anyway, bbbmmmppp wrong guess. I just know the legal process up and down and as a business owner I'm either in court or about to be in court....its the nature of the American business process of today.

Attorneys MAKE money by litigating. They don't make money by "compromising". The only time a lawyer will comprise is between 1 day and 1 hour of a court date. The longer the process, the more money they make. The more complicated the process, the more money they make. Try watching the "War of the Roses" and a little bit of TV. Things aren't as bad as that anymore thank goodness...however, if you are rich they will be close.

You don't need a lawyer to mediate for goodness sakes.... Mediation mean reaching a "middle ground". All you need is two parties and a mediator. The only thing the lawyer will do is "slow" mediation down, antagonize the process, delay the process which will cost you in attorney fees and more mediation fees since the mediators charges by the hour.

Lawyers "have to mediate"...its a requirement of the court...they don't have a decision in the matter whatsoever.

There is a place for lawyers....and thats "in court". Hire them when your court date is a week away. Have the judge grant a continuance and then put the lawyer to work. However, you will find very few lawyers that want to do this....why? Because most lawyers suck in court....and they make all of their money "outside of court" playing games with the system.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 25
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/1/2010 3:20:04 AM
I don't think it's healthy to stay in an unhappy relationship but I do believe that if there's any chance of repairing a marriage, every effort should be made, particularly when there's a child. I think x_file (msg 42) asks some very good questions that could help determine the root of the unhappiness. Frankly, if I had a four-month-old I don't think I'd be all that happy either. Women get the excuse of postpartum depression if they're struggling with a newborn but guys don't get a pass if they're having difficulty adjusting to being a parent and it would be a shame to break up a family over something that could possibly be a temporary problem. Then again, the fact that you didn't delete your profile on an online dating site after getting married hints to me that maybe this unhappiness existed before the baby was even born.

But based on what you've shared, my advice would be if the separation is for the purpose of resolving some issues-- perhaps through couples' counseling-- then go that route. But if he's just trying to drag out the inevitable, get the divorce.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 26
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/1/2010 9:35:42 AM

I just know the legal process up and down and as a business owner I'm either in court or about to be in court....its the nature of the American business process of today.

wow...then considering your advice would be about as smart as asking the big bloody SPLAT down there on the rocks how NOT to fall off the cliff.
Regardless of who did what to whom, there is a 4 month old baby who bears no responsibility for the situation, who is going to have to be housed, clothed, fed, medically cared for and educated. Maybe the OP should agree to the divorce if she can dumb the baby on Daddy, so she can party and chase d*ck?
Cindy O
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 27
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/1/2010 7:29:34 PM

What a bunch of crap! I hate to say this, but you are way off base here. - The OP is merely trying to figure out how to protect herself and her child and here you are playing the Judge, Jury, and Executioner here.


Protect herself from what? Her husband? You are playing the judge, the jury and the executioner, only it is less obvious.

Btw, "protect herself" is another phrase for "covering her ass". Spin it, or phrase it whatever way you wish, she is still being advised to "cover her ass" and take him for whatever she can.



I am not saying that she is totally blameless for her marriage falling apart as it takes two, but she damn sure shouldn't be taking all the blame for it like you are illustrating here.


What blame did I illustrate (assign to her) in my last post? I simply ask few questions because I can't help but notice that many replies, especially from women, seem to have assumed her husband is the villain - which is why she needs to protect herself. That seems to be the unspoken assumption. Yet, I can't possibly see how anyone can rationally come to this conclusion without, at the very least, knowing the answers to the questions I asked.

Maybe he filed for divorce because he knows she had an affair which she is not telling us about. Maybe he filed for divorce because he knows the child is not his. Maybe he filed for divorce because she has radically changed in a bad way.

Shall no one check her integrity and the quality of a person she is? After all she is on a dating website, not just seeking advice, but has several "exotic" pics on her profile.


I think you need to take a look at some of the other responses here before you start finger pointing and name calling.


I think you need to learn to read with a bit more depth and patience and with little less prejudice.



If anyone needs a lesson on here, it's you.




See above.

I never said she needs a lesson.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 29
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/2/2010 11:05:31 AM

I can't help but notice that many replies, especially from women, seem to have assumed her husband is the villain - which is why she needs to protect herself. That seems to be the unspoken assumption. Yet, I can't possibly see how anyone can rationally come to this conclusion



So after two years and one baby (now 4 months old), my husband tells me he isn't happy.
Not only that, two days later I find out he already filed for divorce behind my back.

Umm,since he's the one who filed for divorce BEHIND HER BACK...what else SHOULD we presume?



Maybe he filed for divorce because he knows she had an affair which she is not telling us about. Maybe he filed for divorce because he knows the child is not his. Maybe he filed for divorce because she has radically changed in a bad way.

This may not be "assigning blame",in the strictest sense of the phrase, but it is certainly unverifiable speculation.We cannot go by anything other than what the posts and the profile say,unless the poster gives conflicting information or contradicts themselves.

The following are quotes from the OPs' posts.


I did ask my husband why. He said he just isnt happy .



He wants to leave. Live separate lives... and maybe - MAYBE - one day in the far future date again. I suspect he wants to have inappropriate relationships with other females.



I want whats best for my baby.



but not to the point where this tool is going to screw me over. My child comes first. FIRST. Before anything.

It isn't about 'taking him to the cleaners', it's about providing for this infant.

Following are comments from some of the MALE posters


The very first thing you need to do is talk to a lawyer. If this guy is capable of pulling this, your first priority needs to be protecting yourself and your child, legally and financially.



He's lining up his ducks - get your ass to a lawyer.
Pretty damn weird to be doing this when the two of you have a newborn.

(I might interject here, that this ISN'T all that 'damn weird', Unfortunately there are couples that just can't adjust to the changes that come about with that first baby)


I'm with the others regarding an attorney. I'm not a big fan of them in general, but in a situation like this you must be clear on your rights and obligations. Try not to let your heart dictate how to proceed.



Well since he is going that route then you need to go get Child support order on him and make sure youhave all the papers you need when you go to the court house.



hi my advice to you is, is he worth fighting for. to be honest he does not sound like it, for a man able to file for divorce just after you having a baby. My advice get rid of him full time . your better of without him



First thing you need to do if file for spouse and child support if he's moved out.



OP, one other thing I need to say here. You say your baby comes first. If that's really true, then YOU come first. The very best thing you can do for your baby is take care of yourself - s/he is helpless without you. YOU need to be as healthy and protected as possible, or you can't take care of the child.

It is NOT just the women who've spoken up here in support of the OP.
But if you want to pull stuff out of your butt to accuse the OP of, then how about if we women go ahead and speculate that the husband was a lazy ass who left all responsibility for caring for the baby to the wife, and then went around all pissy because HE wan't getting enough attention and sex from a stressed and exhausted wife.?
Let's try to provide the OP with the help she's asked for, not go off into seeing how we can assign all blame to her, and turn this thread into a gender war.
Cindy O
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 30
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/2/2010 1:57:39 PM

Umm,since he's the one who filed for divorce BEHIND HER BACK...what else SHOULD we presume?


How about "nothing"?

He filed for a divorce so he is automatically the bad guy? Maybe he knows something we don't and he feels it needs no discussion but rather action (divorce). Maybe she cheated on him, she thinks he doesn't know, yet he does, and he doesn't want to discuss it, but end the marriage. I don't know. The silent prejudice that her husband is the evil one, is, in my opinion, wrong. It's a too great of an assumption based on nothing, but this woman's word.



This may not be "assigning blame",in the strictest sense of the phrase, but it is certainly unverifiable speculation.


That's right. It is speculation, just like "her husband is the bad guy" is speculation too - thought many have basically assumed it to be true.

The guy maybe a dirt bag, but what's the evidence for that? He filed for divorce without discussing it first with her? That's the evidence? So every woman who has filed for a divorce (without talking to her husband) is a dirt bag then?



It isn't about 'taking him to the cleaners', it's about providing for this infant.


It was another poster who suggested she takes him to the cleaners, and yet another for her to kick him to the curb.

Also, it's one thing for her to worry about her son/daughter, and another of how to "protect herself" apparently from her husband as if he is going to take half her stuff.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 31
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/3/2010 8:03:54 AM

Maybe she cheated on him, she thinks he doesn't know, yet he does, and he doesn't want to discuss it, but end the marriage.

You keep coming back to this...with absoluely no substantiaton. Having been a party to many households with infants,while not an impossibility, the mother having the time and energy to cheat would be a stretch in the average household.

The OP also doesn't mention nannies,servants,or living in an extended family where there would be lots of free time for her.
But if we are going to speculate, let me speculate,based on a fairly common scenario witnessed as a social work technician, as one half of Aunt Cindy and Uncle Larry,as a friend and neighbor.
That first baby,in the average young couple's situation is a HUGE adjustment for the new parents. And unfortunately, all too often the new father starts feeling quite neglected. This is partially understandable, I'm not trying to make new dads out to all be 'the bad guy'. But sometimes new dads don't handle this transition real well.
So, if we are going to just pull shit out of the air,I think the scenario I posited, that the new dad's nose and weiner have been put out of joint by the necessity of baby coming first, is more likely than the mother of a 4-month old infant having the time to cheat on her husband.

The silent prejudice that her husband is the evil one, is, in my opinion, wrong. It's a too great of an assumption based on nothing, but this woman's word.

it's a 'prejudice' arising out of awareness, that all too often new fathers can tend to feel neglected. Often both of the new parents are continually sleep-deprived , and yeah, sex can become a scarce commodity. But instead of trying to talk this through, work it out, the hubby just goes behind his wife's back and files for divorce. How can there NOT be a tendency to make him 'the bad guy'?

That's the evidence? So every woman who has filed for a divorce (without talking to her husband) is a dirt bag then?
Yes-unless discussing it would put her safety at risk!- I feel that women who 'blitz' unsuspecting husbands are also in the wrong.

It was another poster who suggested she takes him to the cleaners, and yet another for her to kick him to the curb.

Also, it's one thing for her to worry about her son/daughter, and another of how to "protect herself" apparently from her husband as if he is going to take half her stuff.

Look, you have some reason to believe that this wife has wronged her husband and that's why he's divorcing her. Is it not possible that other posters here may have had experiences of financial struggles caused by the male parent cleaning out bank accounts? I saw this with sickening regularity when I was in the social work field.
And as for anybody kicking anybody else to the curb...it sounds like the OP's husband has done that to her.Then comes back to try and dangle a far-distant, highly unlikely "carrot" of "maybe starting to date again someday." I suspect he wants to dial back to "legal separation" as a way back to the social and sexual safety of marriage if all that available p*ssy out there in 'Single
Again Land'turns out to be a mirage. Or maybe he's trying to assuage feelings of guilt.
All anybody can speak to here in this thread, is what we're being told. Unfortunately, it's not exactly a rare situation. And while certainly NOT impossible, the idea of a marriage with an infant breaking up because MOM was out fooling around, seems less likely,to those who have raised or been in close contact with infants.
Cindy O
 cuban delite
Joined: 4/29/2009
Msg: 32
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/3/2010 8:13:05 AM
This is an odd post...if you were a man ,everyone would have noticed that you joined POF early in your marriage.....

just saying
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 33
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/3/2010 8:24:16 AM
Actually, I did notice that, but it's not all that uncommon for attached folks to be here for forums,friendship,etc. Perhaps if the OP is a stay-at-home-mom, this site is a form of social contact.
And yeah, perhaps the OP is one of those angels with no halo and one wing in the fire. All we really have to go on is the information we're given.
Yeah, maybe she's a cheat, maybe the kid ain't his, or he wants to think it isn't. But the more common scenario is a marriage under strain due to the transition from "couple" to "family".
Cindy O
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 34
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History
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/3/2010 8:52:59 AM
^^^^^Agree Cindy. I have done the SAHM thing and I also work at home, pof is a bit like my absent pool of coworkers in terms of social contact. I have stayed when I was involved, and have had no problem with it because I wasn't doing anything inappropriate.

I also think that the reason people are nearly to a one advocating getting legal advice is because this man played the switcheroo.

He filed for divorce behind her back, so yes, he could have had reason. The girl looks like a sumu wrestler so maybe he was skeered of her like I was of the man that was 6" taller, with more than 60 lbs on me. And even thought I didn't tell him I went to the courthouse, I filed after I changed the locks and packed his things. So I did not pursue divorce proceedings while still keeping up the illusion that we were still married, etc, I digress.

Filing behind her back was not the big problem, although it points to someone that isn't interested in reconciling. HE is the one changing his mind and a legal separation as opposed to the divorce could leave the OP's ass hanging out in many ways. I don't live where she does and I don't presume to know the law but she needs to, period.

Realistically OP, if the man wants to reconcile later he can do that whether you are separated or divorced and as everyone has noted, this will pretty much cost you the money of getting divorced twice because you will pay about the same or more for the legal separation and then have the filing fee, etc., possibly attorney's fees with the divorce.

Get the divorce, if he wants to get back together later he can woo you and see what happens.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 35
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/23/2010 5:31:32 AM
Legally separated is still legally married.

He just wants to protect or hide some assets he may have to share or wish not to be responsible for any debt you may get into while waiting out the year, maybe he is being sly or maybe he is being smart.




Now he is suggesting a legal separation.
Should I go for this? Or just go with the full divorce?


YOU need a lawyer.. not just him if he is doing this.

Protect your child. THAT should be your first concern IMO.

Talk to a professional in your state/county.

EDIT> closer has some good advise..take it.
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 37
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History
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/23/2010 6:53:25 AM
yeppers lets have a pity party..............................her huusband filed for divorce and she hadn't a clue. Sounds like someone lived with head in sand, and all you women are saying this guys a schmuck..............................well I believe this guy had a reason may his divorce NOT be like mine,

I do not wish this on anybody, we are in month 14 with another year to go.

So honey before you say "take him to cleaners" like mine has, the house she lives in gets forclosed on soon and instead of having a house free and clear with 6 figures in bank like she could of had.................. she is ending up in a garden apartment with Attorneys getting over 50% of our assets, I'm answering 7-10 motions a week.........so some people realize its over and fold there tents and move forward others decide that if they are depressed all those associated with them will pay.
So in the end it was my offspring that is suffering thru their mothers vengeful divorce....

So what path will you take.....................vengefull or realize its over settle and move on as fast as you can.

Good luck
 DallasSBF
Joined: 8/30/2007
Msg: 38
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/23/2010 12:22:29 PM
Get a lawyer and start finding all the community property. PROTECT yourself. What else has he been doing behind your back??? Hiding stuff or another woman? Find out what. Get anger at the fact he is sneaking around behind your back trying to take advantage of your feelings for him. Then use that to protect yourself. HE can NOT be trusted.
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 39
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/23/2010 5:05:56 PM

You keep coming back to this...with absoluely no substantiaton.


I'm not making a statement. I'm giving an alternative explanation, not as way of explaining what really happened, but as means to fight another "explanation" based on prejudice.



Having been a party to many households with infants,while not an impossibility, the mother having the time and energy to cheat would be a stretch in the average household.


LOL!

She couldn't have cheated prior to the infant, right? Or on the night the infant was conceived, right?



The OP also doesn't mention nannies,servants,or living in an extended family where there would be lots of free time for her.


All irrelevant. See above.



So, if we are going to just pull shit out of the air,I think the scenario I posited, that the new dad's nose and weiner have been put out of joint by the necessity of baby coming first, is more likely than the mother of a 4-month old infant having the time to cheat on her husband.


Your scenario and my scenario are exactly that, a scenario. Not evidence. And that's what I'm trying to point out. Except you believe your scenario to be true, and the guy to be the villain without any evidence, or evidence that, as I have demonstrated, can be explain via an alternative explanation.



it's a 'prejudice' arising out of awareness, that all too often new fathers can tend to feel neglected.


I see how that works. Your "prejudice" arises out of awareness, and my arises from "shit out of the air", right? Cause the scenario I posed is completely impossible, and no one has ever encountered it, right?



Often both of the new parents are continually sleep-deprived , and yeah, sex can become a scarce commodity. But instead of trying to talk this through, work it out, the hubby just goes behind his wife's back and files for divorce.


Again, that's all irrelevant. She could have cheated prior to having the infant, or on the night the infant was conceived.



How can there NOT be a tendency to make him 'the bad guy'?


How indeed?

You've got "scenarios", not evidence.



Yes-unless discussing it would put her safety at risk!- I feel that women who 'blitz' unsuspecting husbands are also in the wrong.


That's quite absolute. I can think of few examples where a woman has filed for a divorce without talking to her husband, and she was right in doing so.

Ex: She caught him cheating, walk out of the room without saying a word, and an hour later filed for divorce.



Look, you have some reason to believe that this wife has wronged her husband and that's why he's divorcing her.


No I don't. I have zero reason to believe that. No evidence at all. I simply offered an alternative explanation for the following evidence: "He filed for divorce", "He didn't tell her he filed for a divorce".

If you can see that, then you hopefully can see that you too have no evidence that her husband is the villain. That's all. My intention was to point out a certain prejudice.



Is it not possible that other posters here may have had experiences of financial struggles caused by the male parent cleaning out bank accounts?


Irrelevant. Ask them.



And as for anybody kicking anybody else to the curb...it sounds like the OP's husband has done that to her.


It's divorce, and not a "kicking". If separation didn't occur upon divorce, it wouldn't be called a divorced.



And while certainly NOT impossible, the idea of a marriage with an infant breaking up because MOM was out fooling around, seems less likely,to those who have raised or been in close contact with infants.


One can speak "probabilistically" and that's fine. It might very well be "less likely" that mom was fooling around, but not impossible, and certainly very possible before she had the infant.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 40
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/23/2010 7:20:36 PM

You've got "scenarios", not evidence.

And have YOU "evidence" that the OP was the cheater, either presently or prior to the birth of the child?
And how is the advice by the larger percentage of posters here, to retain legal counsel and protect herself and her infant from winding up standing in the grocery store checkout with a rejected debt card,because her soon-to-be-ex cleaned out the bank account? I spent a few years as a social work technician/outreach worker, and I now volunteer at a local emergency food pantry.
And here's another point...if in fact this woman cheated prior to the birth of the baby, why didn't the man start the divorce proceedings then?

Probably the reason so many here made the hubby out to be 'the bad guy', is because we've all seen couples struggle with adjustment to parenthood...if this guy really thought their marriage was headed for the rocks and actually GAVE a rat's rear end, he'd have been seeking counseling, not filing for divorce behind his wife's back.
I'm not saying that there aren't situations where women cheat, BUT UNDER THIS PARTICULAR SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES, I think a man wimping out because he can't handle the changes that first baby bring,is a more likely scenario than an issue of MAYBE at some time in the past, his wife MIGHT have cheated.
Cindy O
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 42
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/23/2010 8:39:00 PM

And have YOU "evidence" that the OP was the cheater, either presently or prior to the birth of the child?


Seriously? The answer should be crystal clear by this point. Pick one:

I'm not making a statement. I'm giving an alternative explanation, not as way of explaining what really happened, but as means to fight another "explanation" based on prejudice.

Your scenario and my scenario are exactly that, a scenario. Not evidence. And that's what I'm trying to point out.

No I don't. I have zero reason to believe that. No evidence at all. I simply offered an alternative explanation for the following evidence: "He filed for divorce", "He didn't tell her he filed for a divorce".


And how is the advice by the larger percentage of posters here, to retain legal counsel and protect herself and her infant from winding up standing in the grocery store checkout with a rejected debt card,because her soon-to-be-ex cleaned out the bank account?


You are assuming they have a shared bank account and also assuming that it has money in it.



And here's another point...if in fact this woman cheated prior to the birth of the baby, why didn't the man start the divorce proceedings then?


How about he find out later?
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 43
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/23/2010 9:38:37 PM
You said he filed and is now thinking different, If it was me I would get the divorce thier is a problem some where and first is no talking to iron things out. I have the feeling he is leading you on till he finds some one else.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 45
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:47:20 AM

Proof positive, that marriage has NOTHING to do with 'love' and 'commitment'.
*************************************************************************************************************
Right~O.... Because nothing says 'love' and 'commitment' like filing divorce papers without discussing what the problem is, and other possible alternative first....

WELL SAID!

You said he filed and is now thinking different, If it was me I would get the divorce thier is a problem some where and first is no talking to iron things out. I have the feeling he is leading you on till he finds some one else.

One possible "scenario"...presented by an adult man of mature years,no less.

So after two years and one baby (now 4 months old), my husband tells me he isn't happy.
Not only that, two days later I find out he already filed for divorce behind my back.

Now he is suggesting a legal separation.
Should I go for this? Or just go with the full divorce?

Any thoughts on this? Anyone been through this?

Reaching out to you guys in the hardest moment of my life.

Thanks guys.

this is the OT.
Where in this does she ask for "alternative scenarios"? Where in this does she ask for an analysis of the estate of holy matrimony( or holy deadlock, if you prefer-lol.)
On the first page of this thread alone, I count at least 5 posts by active members who are clearly male, advising the OP to obtain legal counsel...this makes it a gender vs. gender situation...because...?

Protect herself and her child?
From what?
An attack? A threat?


Unfortunately, yes,socioeconomically speaking.

Proof positive, that marriage has NOTHING to do with 'love' and 'commitment'.

filing for a divorce is a statement that the love and committment,no longer exist in the heart of at least one member of the marital unit(in this case the male).

Of course, intelligent people know the best way to protect you legal interests, in the first place, is by avoiding marriage.

Even in the absence of a marriage, the man,if he actually wants to/ has the balls to-claim the child, would be required to financially contribute to the expenses of raising the child.

It's amusing to see women advising to do that, and NOT bashing those who want to protect their legal interests.

Ummm... I counted-a conservative count-of currently active members who are clearly identifiable as male-at least 8 responses to ths thread that advised legal counsel, one that discussed divorce via mediation,and a couple that just generally said don't go along with "legal separation" or being "strung along"without specific reference to legal representation. So please explain how is just "women advising to do that".

yeah yeah...50% of marriages end in divorce. But 50% DON'T. Unless someone here has omnipotence and is a fly on the wall in EVERY marriage that doesn't end in divorce, let's not bring out the yahbuts positing that every non-divorcing marriage is an exercise in fear-based misery.

caring for an infant is a daunting experience for most new parents. I don't mean changing diapers and giving feedings, either. I mean that most new moms are somewhat uncertain about the optimum care of the infant, and they are dealing with hormonal issues as well. The guy is bailing when it would probably benefit his family, at least in the short term, if he stayed.

There is an old country saying that someone or something is "causing more trouble than a brand-new baby". While I've never personally owned a brand-new baby,I've been a firsthand witness to lots of families that acquired them. Even adoption or fostering newborns/infants is a challenge!

To be absolutely fair, it's certainly a strong possibility that this woman had post-partum issues, managed her time and divided her attention inadequately and left her hubby-the new father, feeling like a 5th wheel/3rd hind leg.Perhaps this new family did not have much of an external support system and were overwhelmed. None of these factors are due to some perceived flaw with the estate of marriage. Lots of new parent couples who AREN'T bound by matrimony have stress, fatigue,and emotional strain related to the birth of the first child.
The argument could be made that it is the baby causing this marital failure. It's certainly well within the ream of possibility. However, what's done is done,or should this young couple just dump the baby off at a "safe haven"?


Maybe she cheated on him, she thinks he doesn't know, yet he does, and he doesn't want to discuss it, but end the marriage. I don't know.
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The husband says nothing about what may possibly be the most hurtful experience of his life? Seems unlikely. The OP said that her husband said he just wasn't happy. You know, to me, that sounds a lot more like the words of one who is doing the cheating, rather than the one who has been cheated on.

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It's a too great of an assumption based on nothing, but this woman's word.
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That's all we ever have on any of these posts---the OP's words. Do you critique all posts so thoughtfully, or just the ones posted by women?

I wonder about that, too.

Yes. As a matter of fact, I think filing for divorce without discussing it with your partner is a dirtbag move. It is very cowardly. Although, I do know one woman who did exactly that; the husband had a nasty habit of beating her black and blue, so she did what she had to do. She is exempt from the dirtbag category.
a point that I mentioned previously, but it is certainly good to hear that others have the same opinion.
This is a topic posted by the mother of a 4-month old child, asking for opinions, advice,BTDT stories...she is "reaching out".
The topic does not ask for speculation that she is the one guilty of some past or present wrongdoing, it doesn't ask for a critique of marriage, it doesn't ask for a critique of the legal profession.
My considered personal opinion is that this is a case of an overwhelmed new father who wants a (fairly guilt-free opportunity) to go back to being a single guy, getting enough sleep, sex and general female attention, yet keeping his wife, the mother of his child, on the back burner so he's got a hole to run back to if a return to singlehood doesn't turn out to be as much fun as he thinks.
Unless he is willing to be the full custodial parent of this baby, with total responsibility for it's wellbeing, so that the mother can return to an unfettered single life,there NEEDS to be some legalities dealt with,whether via attorney, mediation, Legal Aid.
Just the same as the dissolution of a partnership or joint venture. This "partnership" has created an "obligation"...a child, who unfortunately can't just be turned back in to the dealership or surrendered to the 'child pound'.
Dealing with that "obligation " needs to be set down in black and white.
Cindy O
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 46
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:40:05 AM
Did he tell you why he's not happy in the marriage? He must be unwilling to go for marriage counseling since he filed behind your back. OUCH! In a legal separation you're still married just separated legally in the eyes of the court. Maybe you can convince him to go with you to marriage counseling to hash out the issues he has in the marriage before making any decisions he may later regret. If he refuses then just give him the divorce.


And you're right... sadness is overtaking me right now - but not to the point where this tool is going to screw me over. My child comes first. FIRST. Before anything.


Good for you. You and your baby should come first, especially since he filed for divorce behind your back. Good legal counsel is a must in your situation. This must be a horrific time for you.
 Handsomelaughs
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 48
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:29:44 AM
Nuclear- Here's a little info for you, if you don't already know.

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Every judge, lawyer, mediator, or other divorce professional will tell you never to rely on a verbal agreement, which is why everyone who is separating or divorcing in Utah should have a written and signed separation or marital settlement agreement.
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With or without children, our Utah Premium Agreement Service cost is $159.00. This total cost includes all edits, reprints, and corrections. No additional fees hidden. You can learn more here.

Why Have a Utah Separation Agreement?

1. A separation agreement will settle in writing all of your marital issues, thus protecting you and your spouse up until you decide to divorce. Most separations last much longer than expected, so it is essential that important issues like financial matters, property and debts, custody, visitation, and support are expressed in writing in a legal binding agreement.

2. A separation agreement will be the official legal document used to settle the marital issues upon divorce. Your final judgment or decree for divorce will reference your agreement and the court will order your divorce according to the contents of your agreement.

3. Getting a "Legal Separation" is also a valid reason to have a separation agreement. Legal Separations are not very popular in Utah (most Utah lawyers do not even do them). The legal separation filing process is very similar to a divorce, so rarely is it the first option. If you are considering a legal separation, here are some of the laws regarding Utah legal separations:

The grounds for legal separation are: (1) willful desertion; (2) living separate and apart without cohabitation; and (3) gross neglect. The deserting spouse must be a resident of Utah, or own property in the state in which the deserted spouse lives. [Utah Code Annotated; Section 30-4-1].

Also, about your baby......It's better to come from a dysfunctional family, than live in one.
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