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 AUTHOR
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 40
The Legal Separation....Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

You've got "scenarios", not evidence.

And have YOU "evidence" that the OP was the cheater, either presently or prior to the birth of the child?
And how is the advice by the larger percentage of posters here, to retain legal counsel and protect herself and her infant from winding up standing in the grocery store checkout with a rejected debt card,because her soon-to-be-ex cleaned out the bank account? I spent a few years as a social work technician/outreach worker, and I now volunteer at a local emergency food pantry.
And here's another point...if in fact this woman cheated prior to the birth of the baby, why didn't the man start the divorce proceedings then?

Probably the reason so many here made the hubby out to be 'the bad guy', is because we've all seen couples struggle with adjustment to parenthood...if this guy really thought their marriage was headed for the rocks and actually GAVE a rat's rear end, he'd have been seeking counseling, not filing for divorce behind his wife's back.
I'm not saying that there aren't situations where women cheat, BUT UNDER THIS PARTICULAR SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES, I think a man wimping out because he can't handle the changes that first baby bring,is a more likely scenario than an issue of MAYBE at some time in the past, his wife MIGHT have cheated.
Cindy O
 x_file_
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 42
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/23/2010 8:39:00 PM

And have YOU "evidence" that the OP was the cheater, either presently or prior to the birth of the child?


Seriously? The answer should be crystal clear by this point. Pick one:

I'm not making a statement. I'm giving an alternative explanation, not as way of explaining what really happened, but as means to fight another "explanation" based on prejudice.

Your scenario and my scenario are exactly that, a scenario. Not evidence. And that's what I'm trying to point out.

No I don't. I have zero reason to believe that. No evidence at all. I simply offered an alternative explanation for the following evidence: "He filed for divorce", "He didn't tell her he filed for a divorce".


And how is the advice by the larger percentage of posters here, to retain legal counsel and protect herself and her infant from winding up standing in the grocery store checkout with a rejected debt card,because her soon-to-be-ex cleaned out the bank account?


You are assuming they have a shared bank account and also assuming that it has money in it.



And here's another point...if in fact this woman cheated prior to the birth of the baby, why didn't the man start the divorce proceedings then?


How about he find out later?
 anyoneoutthier
Joined: 3/19/2007
Msg: 43
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/23/2010 9:38:37 PM
You said he filed and is now thinking different, If it was me I would get the divorce thier is a problem some where and first is no talking to iron things out. I have the feeling he is leading you on till he finds some one else.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 45
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:47:20 AM

Proof positive, that marriage has NOTHING to do with 'love' and 'commitment'.
*************************************************************************************************************
Right~O.... Because nothing says 'love' and 'commitment' like filing divorce papers without discussing what the problem is, and other possible alternative first....

WELL SAID!

You said he filed and is now thinking different, If it was me I would get the divorce thier is a problem some where and first is no talking to iron things out. I have the feeling he is leading you on till he finds some one else.

One possible "scenario"...presented by an adult man of mature years,no less.

So after two years and one baby (now 4 months old), my husband tells me he isn't happy.
Not only that, two days later I find out he already filed for divorce behind my back.

Now he is suggesting a legal separation.
Should I go for this? Or just go with the full divorce?

Any thoughts on this? Anyone been through this?

Reaching out to you guys in the hardest moment of my life.

Thanks guys.

this is the OT.
Where in this does she ask for "alternative scenarios"? Where in this does she ask for an analysis of the estate of holy matrimony( or holy deadlock, if you prefer-lol.)
On the first page of this thread alone, I count at least 5 posts by active members who are clearly male, advising the OP to obtain legal counsel...this makes it a gender vs. gender situation...because...?

Protect herself and her child?
From what?
An attack? A threat?


Unfortunately, yes,socioeconomically speaking.

Proof positive, that marriage has NOTHING to do with 'love' and 'commitment'.

filing for a divorce is a statement that the love and committment,no longer exist in the heart of at least one member of the marital unit(in this case the male).

Of course, intelligent people know the best way to protect you legal interests, in the first place, is by avoiding marriage.

Even in the absence of a marriage, the man,if he actually wants to/ has the balls to-claim the child, would be required to financially contribute to the expenses of raising the child.

It's amusing to see women advising to do that, and NOT bashing those who want to protect their legal interests.

Ummm... I counted-a conservative count-of currently active members who are clearly identifiable as male-at least 8 responses to ths thread that advised legal counsel, one that discussed divorce via mediation,and a couple that just generally said don't go along with "legal separation" or being "strung along"without specific reference to legal representation. So please explain how is just "women advising to do that".

yeah yeah...50% of marriages end in divorce. But 50% DON'T. Unless someone here has omnipotence and is a fly on the wall in EVERY marriage that doesn't end in divorce, let's not bring out the yahbuts positing that every non-divorcing marriage is an exercise in fear-based misery.

caring for an infant is a daunting experience for most new parents. I don't mean changing diapers and giving feedings, either. I mean that most new moms are somewhat uncertain about the optimum care of the infant, and they are dealing with hormonal issues as well. The guy is bailing when it would probably benefit his family, at least in the short term, if he stayed.

There is an old country saying that someone or something is "causing more trouble than a brand-new baby". While I've never personally owned a brand-new baby,I've been a firsthand witness to lots of families that acquired them. Even adoption or fostering newborns/infants is a challenge!

To be absolutely fair, it's certainly a strong possibility that this woman had post-partum issues, managed her time and divided her attention inadequately and left her hubby-the new father, feeling like a 5th wheel/3rd hind leg.Perhaps this new family did not have much of an external support system and were overwhelmed. None of these factors are due to some perceived flaw with the estate of marriage. Lots of new parent couples who AREN'T bound by matrimony have stress, fatigue,and emotional strain related to the birth of the first child.
The argument could be made that it is the baby causing this marital failure. It's certainly well within the ream of possibility. However, what's done is done,or should this young couple just dump the baby off at a "safe haven"?


Maybe she cheated on him, she thinks he doesn't know, yet he does, and he doesn't want to discuss it, but end the marriage. I don't know.
************************************************************************************************

The husband says nothing about what may possibly be the most hurtful experience of his life? Seems unlikely. The OP said that her husband said he just wasn't happy. You know, to me, that sounds a lot more like the words of one who is doing the cheating, rather than the one who has been cheated on.

*******************************************************************************************************

It's a too great of an assumption based on nothing, but this woman's word.
***********************************************************************************************************

That's all we ever have on any of these posts---the OP's words. Do you critique all posts so thoughtfully, or just the ones posted by women?

I wonder about that, too.

Yes. As a matter of fact, I think filing for divorce without discussing it with your partner is a dirtbag move. It is very cowardly. Although, I do know one woman who did exactly that; the husband had a nasty habit of beating her black and blue, so she did what she had to do. She is exempt from the dirtbag category.
a point that I mentioned previously, but it is certainly good to hear that others have the same opinion.
This is a topic posted by the mother of a 4-month old child, asking for opinions, advice,BTDT stories...she is "reaching out".
The topic does not ask for speculation that she is the one guilty of some past or present wrongdoing, it doesn't ask for a critique of marriage, it doesn't ask for a critique of the legal profession.
My considered personal opinion is that this is a case of an overwhelmed new father who wants a (fairly guilt-free opportunity) to go back to being a single guy, getting enough sleep, sex and general female attention, yet keeping his wife, the mother of his child, on the back burner so he's got a hole to run back to if a return to singlehood doesn't turn out to be as much fun as he thinks.
Unless he is willing to be the full custodial parent of this baby, with total responsibility for it's wellbeing, so that the mother can return to an unfettered single life,there NEEDS to be some legalities dealt with,whether via attorney, mediation, Legal Aid.
Just the same as the dissolution of a partnership or joint venture. This "partnership" has created an "obligation"...a child, who unfortunately can't just be turned back in to the dealership or surrendered to the 'child pound'.
Dealing with that "obligation " needs to be set down in black and white.
Cindy O
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 46
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:40:05 AM
Did he tell you why he's not happy in the marriage? He must be unwilling to go for marriage counseling since he filed behind your back. OUCH! In a legal separation you're still married just separated legally in the eyes of the court. Maybe you can convince him to go with you to marriage counseling to hash out the issues he has in the marriage before making any decisions he may later regret. If he refuses then just give him the divorce.


And you're right... sadness is overtaking me right now - but not to the point where this tool is going to screw me over. My child comes first. FIRST. Before anything.


Good for you. You and your baby should come first, especially since he filed for divorce behind your back. Good legal counsel is a must in your situation. This must be a horrific time for you.
 Handsomelaughs
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 48
The Legal Separation....
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:29:44 AM
Nuclear- Here's a little info for you, if you don't already know.

Utah Premium Separation Agreement Service

Every judge, lawyer, mediator, or other divorce professional will tell you never to rely on a verbal agreement, which is why everyone who is separating or divorcing in Utah should have a written and signed separation or marital settlement agreement.
Alabama On-line Agreement Service

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We stand behind our service with our guarantee and can easily say that our completed agreements are more comprehensive and well organized than what most lawyers provide.

With or without children, our Utah Premium Agreement Service cost is $159.00. This total cost includes all edits, reprints, and corrections. No additional fees hidden. You can learn more here.

Why Have a Utah Separation Agreement?

1. A separation agreement will settle in writing all of your marital issues, thus protecting you and your spouse up until you decide to divorce. Most separations last much longer than expected, so it is essential that important issues like financial matters, property and debts, custody, visitation, and support are expressed in writing in a legal binding agreement.

2. A separation agreement will be the official legal document used to settle the marital issues upon divorce. Your final judgment or decree for divorce will reference your agreement and the court will order your divorce according to the contents of your agreement.

3. Getting a "Legal Separation" is also a valid reason to have a separation agreement. Legal Separations are not very popular in Utah (most Utah lawyers do not even do them). The legal separation filing process is very similar to a divorce, so rarely is it the first option. If you are considering a legal separation, here are some of the laws regarding Utah legal separations:

The grounds for legal separation are: (1) willful desertion; (2) living separate and apart without cohabitation; and (3) gross neglect. The deserting spouse must be a resident of Utah, or own property in the state in which the deserted spouse lives. [Utah Code Annotated; Section 30-4-1].

Also, about your baby......It's better to come from a dysfunctional family, than live in one.
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