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One night together, then...Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've been on the other end, so I know it happens. But never in this way before, so abruptly having a person change their mind, literally overnight. As an older guy, and someone who doesn't like to waste my time or anyone else's, I tend to be fairly decisive when it comes to dating, and I tend to be either very into someone or I'm not at all and go on my way. So a few weeks ago I met a wonderful woman on another site, and we just had that immediate rapport and chemistry in our messages and by phone. That carried over and more, when we met in person for a first date a week later. It was one of those dates where you can't keep your eyes or your hands off each other (not in a sexual way, but affectionately). You know, the kind of night where others around you can just tell you're really into each other, and we got plenty of those envious looks. In the course of getting acquainted we both professed to wanting the same things out of life and love, stating we were looking for a monogamous one on one relationship with the hopes it could grow into something long term.

Fast forward to this past weekend, when we had plans to spend our first night together. Granted, only our third date, but we seemed further along than that just because of the connection we shared, and I just went with it. She had an overnight babysitter all lined up, and we had made plans for a lovely evening together and talked all week about how much we were looking forward to it. Then the day before she contacts me online and is telling me what an awful day she had had at work, and invites me to join her and her boy for dinner then to watch TV after to keep her company. Which is what we did, me doing nothing more than holding her in my arms and giving her the TLC she said she wanted. I went home early, then came back the next night for our planned evening together, which went even better than I had even hoped. Again, she agreed, was every bit as passionate as I was and we were as compatible there as we'd been in everything else we had done to that point. During the course of that night I expressed to her that once we crossed that threshold of sharing intimacy that I wanted and expected us to be exclusive, so there wasn't any miscommunication between us. The following night she goes out to fancy function with a GF, and the next morning I get the "we should just be friends" phone call, and its over just like that.

I'm not the type to sit and dwell on it; as far as I'm concerned she missed out, and if she's that confused or unable to effectively communicate then I don't want or need her in my life. But here was a case where I was fully committed to the moment, thinking she was right there with me on the same page, and I could have seen myself falling for her eventually. The easy answer is it got too sexual too soon, but how do you avoid this sort of confusion at the beginning of what seems so promising? I'm wondering if I scared her with the talk of being exclusive, but I don't sleep with more than one person at a time, and she said neither did she. I like to think I'm a perceptive man, yet somehow I feel I missed a crucial signal along the way. How do you identify that sort of thing, when your new partner is telling you she's every bit as into you as you are into her, then tells you lets just be friends, which really means I don't want to see you anymore, the next day?
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 2
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 10:15:01 AM
^^^^ I very much agree. Enjoy it for what it is in the moment with no expectations too soon. That's what I've learned. I can think of a couple of times where I thought I had a wonderful evening with someone and then it evaporates in less than 24 hours with no reason other than...there could be a myriad of reasons. Because I can't read minds I'll never know.

OP, I guess you'll never know why she suddenly changed her mind. The best thing you can do is not set your expectations too high in the beginning despite what she says about being on the same page as you in regards to a relationship goal.
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:05:30 AM

the best thing is when you're meeting, dating or a relationship with someone just enjoy the moment, dont put your expection too high.

Oh, I know all of that, including most of what Phx Guy (thanks for the lecture pal!) wrote too, and I'm kicking myself in the ass for making what amounts to rookie dating mistakes. If you look at my profile you see very plainly that I don't normally approach a first date or the beginnings of a relationship with any expectations in particular. In fact, I've very often tell people flat out that the only expectations I have are honesty and courtesy, nothing more. Yet somehow I was dumb enough to not follow my typical precautions with this woman and got too caught up with her way too soon. Not that I mind throwing those precautions to the wind, if I think we're on the same page, and that was the case here, or so she said. The discussions about what we wanted from a relationship were prompted by her, not me, and I responded in kind, which is why I'm so damn puzzled by her abrupt withdrawal. Oh well, chalk another one up to a lesson learned the hard way.
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 4
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:54:54 AM
OP - I think I get you - hell, I think I am you...I too believe that there shouldn't be any expectations, especially with these online meets. BUT - if it's there, it is...and that throws everything out the window.

I can only speak for myself. I haven't had anything like you described happen, but of course (I'm still here) haven't found the right one yet either. For me, my biggest fear is not of getting hurt, but of not letting myself be open to the ever wonderful "him" when he shows up. I see nothing wrong with discussing what it is you want, in a conceptual way...I do that myself, because if you aren't on the same page, what's the point? I see nothing wrong with diving in, if that's how you feel, and what you want. When it doesn't work - you are an idiot right? LOL...but if it does work out it's a storybook romance...double standard!

Follow your heart, always...and don't let someone else change who you are.

Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 5
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 11:56:45 AM
First of all, I think it's easier said than done to not get your hopes up about someone you have great chemistry with. The guys I didn't get too excited about were ones where there really wasn't much of a spark. But when I had an awesome time and the guy clearly did too it's hard not to be hopeful about the potential.

It's frustrating to not know what happened-- maybe there's another guy occupying her thoughts or maybe there was something you said or did that she wasn't keen on. A lot of people back out of a relationship early for reasons you can't begin to guess so it doesn't necessarily mean she's a horrible person. If you REALLY like this woman, it may be worth your effort to make some sort of gesture to show your interest and sincerity. If she bites, take it cautiously from there. But I do think that taking that second chance is better than just walking away.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 6
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 12:57:59 PM
Maybe you should have had the exclusivity talk before you slept with her.
Joined: 9/9/2008
Msg: 7
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 2:09:25 PM
this is the sort of thing that SOME guys don't like . I first e-amil her . ON HERE . then we meet . if , we like each other THEN go from there ( still no sex ) . IF she sticks around . THEN you can ask her for sex . BUT first , a relationship should develop . otherwise , it won't happen . 90% of the woman I have went with , stick around for 2 months then gone . they figure " why stay with guy . " well , what do you want . a relationship built on sex or on dreams ? My ex-girlfreind met in 1990 . we are freinds yes . I have met her boyfreinds . and she has met my girlfreinds. she told me " the sex gets less as time goes on . "
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 2:17:15 PM
Significant point: we don't know from her side, what happened that caused her to bail on the OP. Take notice, dangermouse: your thinking that women do this more than men ignores the HUGE number of posts from women complaining of vanishing guys. Also, since we don't know what the woman actually felt, we don't KNOW that she "simply switched off her emotions" and moved on.
Op, haven't YOU ever experienced thinking you reeeeely like something, and jabber about how wonderful it is, only to wake up a few days later and realize "eh, it's okay but..."

If there was anything that went wrong, I would have to GUESS, but I would say that when you chose the one night of sex to immediately go for exclusivity, that you came off as RUSHING her into captivity. Just a guess. She then has a day to think about it, feels that you are charming, she's had a good time, but She isn't up for exclusivity yet, and you've emphatically posted that as your sole option. In other words, by trying to go to exclusivity right after DATE NUMBER THREE, you scared her out of her infatuation, she took the only logical course available after your earlier conversations, and she shoved you firmly into "friends only" status, with the actual designation meaning "please go away quietly."
It's not that YOU missed a "signal," it's that you GAVE a signal ( that you wanted exclusivity only after sex). She just responded to that signal logically, from her point of view.
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 9
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/1/2010 2:48:09 PM

Women are masters at this shyt. Seeming like they're totally into you then like a switch they're off. I think it's far more common in women than it is n men too.

Yeah, it's always the men you hear about crying on a friend's shoulder because the woman ditched him after sex. If only we women could quickly get as emotionally attached as men do.
Joined: 8/5/2009
Msg: 10
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/3/2010 7:47:32 AM
Wanting exclusivity after date number 3 would make me run, too. That's too soon.
Joined: 12/5/2009
Msg: 11
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/3/2010 1:33:23 PM
I would have to agree with some of the other posts. I think you wanted too much to quickly. That sounds like so much pressure after just 3 dates. I don't think it's the sex, or it could have been. You should just ask her to get a straight forward answer from her not everyone else.
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 12
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/3/2010 6:17:26 PM
I think she was faking it! You were not that great in bed!!!!
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 13
One night together, then...
Posted: 2/5/2010 9:12:02 AM

Don't sleep with someone if you think by doing so you're cementing things.

Agreed. Ironically, this is the advice men (and some women) give women all the time, for example in confused "sex and then I didn't hear from him" threads. Don't assume sex is an agreement of any kind.
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 14
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:24:18 PM
OP, it sounds like you either got played or you were dating a total whack-job. Hell, she might be thinking you are too easy (kind of a reverse Madonna-Whore complex). Or she's on the rebound. Or she's a conniving serial dater.

How do you identify that sort of thing, when your new partner is telling you she's every bit as into you as you are into her, then tells you lets just be friends, which really means I don't want to see you anymore, the next day?
I'm not sure this is any sure way to filter out bad experiences with nutcases. You want to be romantic with the right one, someone special, but hell you just gotta take a chance with romance, if you don't you'll usually just wind up kicking yourself if you didn't take that chance.

I think most of us have been in scenarios like this. I certainly have. Woman does a total irreversible 180 in the span of minutes. I'm sure guys do this all the time as well--not a gender-specific behavior.
Joined: 1/1/2010
Msg: 15
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One night together, then...
Posted: 2/6/2010 2:47:12 PM
Who knows the mind of a woman? (or what woman knows the mind of a man?

All you can do is control your own behavior which sounded exemplary as things progressed mutually and you enjoyed each other.

When she wants to "just be friends" you know, I know, we all know, it's over.

Your response should be, "Thank you, it's been fun being with you. Good bye." all said or written very nicely then disappear. When (not if) there is a problem in her new/old/other relationship she will remember how you treated her, how she felt, how civil you were, and, you just may get a call.

Regardless, you're on this board, Go Fishing, there is NO shortage.
(OK, be a modern, sensitive, warm, caring man. Cry one night then Go Fishing.)
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