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 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 18
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When the EX calls Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
Huni, you are like every good mum, YOU DON'T want your child to hurt...

Sighhhhh, reality there are hurts in this world YOU have no control over, and trying to take control over mr inept dad is like wanting to surround her world in bubble wrap, FOREVER... Bless your heart, we all want to do that, really...

I know only to well about ADHD, stepson had it and second daughter had that and bi polar on top... At 20 she decided to disown the family and disappear in the world... Every day it has torn me up, and my other two kids watch helplessly wanting to kick their siblings ass for causing me hurt...

BUT it is what she feels she has to do... After two years she sent a couple emails, and then has stopped again... I know she is alive, here SS# is active, and the last addy I located on her is still the same, bless the internet...

Yes, the chaos of an opposing parent making a childs life a roller coaster is enough to want to.... Hmmmm well guess I will spare that opinion; I know you must be thinking does that stupid dillweed know what she is doing to his daughters opinion of men???

Worry not, as long as you are strong, and have relationships with better minded men she will find faith, and a desire to have one of her own...LOL, or eat them for breakfast like my oldest did for a couple years... Thank gosh she has mellowed out and realizes it was JUST her father that was the dillweed, and not ALL men...

One trait she did have was she selected weaker men... Thankfully she grew out of that as well...

I can promise knowing the strength of YOUR love for her, you will be her rock, as my oldest says about me... You can try to speak with you ex, but a lot of time that is like pissing directly in the wind, and damn that back splash really stinks... LOL...

I know you hate to see her hurt, but some times we can't bandaid every wrong in this world... AT LEAST he is some where and he isn't the countries serial killer, lol, have to find the silver lining some where...

Best of luck...
 nexthyme
Joined: 9/12/2007
Msg: 20
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When the EX calls
Posted: 2/3/2010 8:53:18 PM
When you daughter asks question answer age appropriately honest...

When my oldest was 4 she had decided that we didn't mention her father because he was a jerk... I never told her that, however some where along the line she'd heard that and took it to heart...

I never forced my daughters dads to stay in contact, and when asked about them I was honest about it... My oldest daughter father told his older twins that I kept her away, which she cleared up real fast... When she was younger I worked out a visitation arrangment to get the two aquainted since he hadn't been around and she was three...

He didn't make one visit, she was a smart girl and got it... So when her siblings from him said I blocked him seeing her, she tells them straight up I always asked if she wanted to see him, and she didn't...

You leave that option open, and she will guide you with her choice...

Don't worry about wanting to protect, that is a sign as I said of a good mum...

You've been strong to ask the question and listen to suggestions. You cared enough to want to see how others handle things, fortunately you didn't get the beating from the I hate my ex crowd...

Learning loses is really hard, my kids have through beloved animals... As of yet not through close relatives... Price for not having a close family I guesss...

I do think since you feel it is important for her father to stay involved, that is good. My daughters were well not good choices, but hey my kids are good...
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 21
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When the EX calls
Posted: 2/4/2010 5:07:59 AM
OP, I only got through about half the responses and will try to revisit later when I have more time. Give her the option and then let it go.

My stepson is 31 and he finds he really has nothing to discuss with his father although he does try, but the phone calls are incredibly uncomfortable.

This is a choice, I found that the good daddy bit was pretty much blowing smoke up my butt. His son was around quite a bit after I showed up and while he did know him when he was a young boy, his inattentiveness has just continued to widen the chasm. When he made some really stupid decisions and didn't leave his wife, his father decided that he didn't want to talk to someone who was so screwed up which is ironic to me, like he didn't have a hand in creating the somewhat dysfunctional child that grew into the dysfunctional man.

You can make them have a relationship, you can do what you already have and be a conduit.
 SBM4U2
Joined: 12/22/2009
Msg: 23
When the EX calls
Posted: 2/5/2010 11:50:08 AM
Well, we're only getting the tail end of the story so we don't know what when on between mom and dad that the relationship with the daughter is non existent.

If you are honestly trying to give the dad a chance work with him. You're complaining he visits once a year, but his visits are supervised. You say he only calls twice a month, but also that there is hardly any conversation. Do you suspect that calling twice a week would make the situation better?

Without any details I would just suggest that you continue calling your daughter to the phone and helping her with conversation. Make sure she's showing him respect and since they don't talk that often you could easily have her answer/provide some basic convo about how she's doing, how he's doing, what she did in school, her grades and extracurricular activities. If it only takes 5 minutes to run through it still is better than awkward silence, for both of them.

If you really want to help out maybe you will have to sit down and work things out with him and repair (as much as possible) all the wrong doing that caused your break up. Not to try to rebuild a relationship, but you just have to have a level of understanding and respect for each other. Then, if you guys can stomach each other, maybe the 3 of you could do some things together and eventually you would foster a relationship between the 2 of them and you could have your "me" time.
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