Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 8soldierfalcon8
Joined: 2/16/2009
Msg: 29
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like himPage 2 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
And people wonder why I'd rather stab myself with a dull fork than date a single mother...

Relationships are hard enough with only 2 people involved.. either of whom can screw it up. The more people you start adding, the more complicted it is and the more problems can arise.

No. Thanks.

-8sf8
 9035768
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 30
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 2:05:05 PM
If you communicate as well with him as you do with your daughter, I'd bet there are many reasons why you broke up.


i am scared i may start to resent her for this.

This bothers me.
She is ten and it is already her fault. My friend was blamed for her parents' divorce because she taught her 4/5 year old sister how to tape phone conversation using the answering machine. The sister taped a conversation between the father and the mistress.
JUST like that story, this is in no way your daughter's fault. If your daughter is running the house you need to start dealing with this problem. There is plenty of free parenting assistance and a small percentage of it is good.


i think maybe she felt

TEN months and you have no idea? Red flag that you likely care less about your daughter than than I care about the fish in the pond outside.

If a man's minor child doesn't like me to the point of causing a problem and I love the man, I'm not going to continue to date him. Of course I'd do my best to get along with the kid, but if she doesn't like that I exist in her life I'm not going to make a ten year old "suck it up" because "daddy needs a life, too."


he seems to have let her come between us

He wasn't alone. You are a parent. She is ten years old.


he teases her a bit and she reacts to it but nothing serious...

Such compassion for your child. I remember a few months of being ten, at least. One of the things I remember is I didn't talk back to my parents' friends when they were in the house. They were just friends, they were going to leave, I was going to stay and my parents defended me if something out of line happened.
I don't remember what age I grasped sarcasm well, but I do remember squinting and looking to my parents a LOT when someone told a joke I thought was a statement. I was 11 and told by a doctor that I would have to shave my head, I would've been MUCH more upset if my mom hadn't rolled her eyes with this, "insurance doesn't cover the two drink minimum" look. My mom rolling her eyes told me the doctor just has horrid bedside manner.

What are you doing to help your daughter?

What I remember about being a child at any age is I didn't tell my parents everything I felt with out being prompted. What you think is nothing serious may not be to her.
Do you EVER step in? Or just the "let the two dogs fight it out, they'll either figure out who's alpha or die." Good job.


I bet 10 to 1 there was intolerable behavior in your kid you're allowing

From her post, I'd put money on that, too.
Mainly due to
i told him he was lucky that the others all liked him
Shows she isn't raising her kids. It is all about luck. The other kids turned out nice, this one is just bad.
It is possible that the guy is treating the kid poorly, but unlikely since the other kids are fine. UNLESS the other kids aren't fine and the ten year old is the only one with a spine to stand up to him.

Either way, I have sympathy for the guy and the ten year old.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 31
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 2:06:32 PM
OP...I think you need to relook at the relationship interaction between you, him, and your ten year old. I think for you to resent your own child is a huge red flag. That being said I have to be honest here.

Then I recommend talking to each one of your children on how they really feel and ask your daughter point blank on why? Could be a really valid reason or maybe not.

I was dating a guy a few years ago, that had an adorable little boy and little girl, the boy and I clicked and had a great time. The little girl well... that was a nother story. I tried everything.

I even sat her down and explained I thought she had a great mom and I would never try to take her place. {in fact mother is a great mother}. I tried to be her friend, I tried joking with her as I did the boy because she felt left out.

Behind her daddy's back, she was rude, cruel etc. I tried for almost a year to form some kind of a bond with this child. I finally gave up. I did end up leaving the relationship. Not only for the child sakes but my own since I knew that deep down I would come to resent this child. The break up resulted from something totally else but after time I realized that was part of it.

Now before it ever gets to the point of really investing deeply I want to see if the child will do any accepting. Since to be honest it hurt like hell and sometimes still does.
 RonnieB77
Joined: 8/1/2009
Msg: 32
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 2:57:50 PM
I think he is right. You are a package deal. Your 10 year old didn't ask to be born to a broken home. She deserves a happy childhood, and if there is a personality conflict with her mommy's stud, the stud is the one who needs to go.

Good for this guy, he did the right thing.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 33
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 3:25:33 PM
If you allowed her to treat him disrespectfully or behave rudely, you deserve it!
 sweetness-one
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 34
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 3:31:55 PM
OP, I notice your profile says 'separated', not 'divorced'. How long has it been since you and your ex split up? Perhaps that's part of it, if it hasn't been *that* long, of course your daughter is going to have walls up against any new man entering your life, and worrying they'll "replace" her dad (in her mind).

I think you really need to sit and reconnect with your daughter, though, and communicate with her to find out what's going on. You say you "think" it might be this, or that...time to sit down with her and find out for sure, no "thinks" about it, yanno?

Divorce is hard on children, and since you're not technically even divorced yet, most likely the breakup is still very fresh for her, and a long period of readjustment will be necessary for both you and her.

Dating someone with children can be difficult at the best of times, especially if the children aren't partial to the new partner...but if it's a more recent split, it's going to increase that difficulty tenfold, IMO. And, I'd be surprised if your partner didn't give you some kind of indication that he had concerns about his relationship with your daughter, that he was getting frustrated at not being able to break through to her.

Best of luck.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 35
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 3:33:41 PM
He's a douche unless your 10-year-old was allowed to treat him poorly.

Why do you care, he would rather walk than work things out.
 guyd42
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 36
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 3:34:16 PM
OP, I’ve been there many times. Are you telling the entire story? Or are you allowing your 10y/o to be disrespectful? I also walked because of kids. The mom kept reminding me that these were” HER” kids and I had nothing to say even when they kept disrespecting me to the point where I had enough.
 LJ76
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 37
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 3:38:31 PM
ok city horsewoman,
i don;t see how you can come up with that.
he is not messing up her family dynamics, which is commendable if the the relationship with the daughter is not repairable.
and why would he want to divide the family dynamics?
besides the mother should always side with the offspring, if she is not then how good of a mother is she really?
what ever her situation the came about for being single and having more than one kid and him joining in the family is a challenge for him to begin with.
 LJ76
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 38
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 3:39:53 PM
pretty good reasoning.
 LJ76
Joined: 5/8/2007
Msg: 39
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 3:43:02 PM
agreed, as soon as that "he touched me" happens it's one sided loss for him either way relationship-wise and from a legal stand point. no one seem to understand that kids are smart enough to say things like that but not understand the ramifications it brings.
 ~JustSimplyMe~
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 40
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 3:56:53 PM
I recently found out that a guy I was dating left because he didn't feel my kids would ever accept him in a 'fatherly' role. Told me it's easier dating women with children if the dad is totally out of the picture.
I was completely unaware that he wanted to step in and play daddy.
After a month of knowing my children...I think he had totally unrealistic expectations....his loss though, my kids and I are fantastic
 edencapwell
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 41
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 4:47:05 PM
are you sure this is the REAL reason he broke up with you?? sounds like there is something he isn't telling you and that was just a convenient excuse at the time. how hard is it to get along with a 10 year old anyway?? i mean it's not like she's a bratty 16 year old sheesh.
 edencapwell
Joined: 3/13/2009
Msg: 42
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 4:48:36 PM
hmm...just looked at your profile and noticed that you are *separated*. maybe he got tired of dating a married woman and decided to find someone who is single. this could be the REAL reason for the breakup.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 43
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 4:48:41 PM
OP


no its merely an excuse...unfortunately he's ready to be out of this relationship for whatever reason and sadly threw ur daughter under the bus...

quite weak if you ask me.
 repair-guy
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 44
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 7:20:49 PM
Worse case scenario, he's a child molester making moves on the kid.

Why not just straight out ask the kids... assume he didn't threaten to kill everyone involved if the truth came out... bouncers can be tough intimidating people. :)

Any man that takes on a woman with a mess of kids is already highly suspect.

From the kids perspective, they get less attention from mom, What's not to like?

Stop feeling and start thinking.

Anyone who tells you it's the kids is full of it; it's never the kids, it's the side of the parent that shows clearly through the spoiled or rotten kid.
The acorns don't fall far from the tree!

Forget about him. His loss.
He'll miss out on the blessing and wonder that is raising another's offspring as though they were your own! What could be better?
(aside from making your own)
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 45
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 8:19:36 PM

Forget about him. His loss.



Why do people always say things like this. If it were me in this situation and the child of the person I was dating was being a real little sht to me and generally making life hell,I would not consider leaving the relations my loss. It would actually be my gain to no longer deal with all that drama and tension. Kids can be cruel,manipulative little dictators.They are not the angels that parents make them out to be. They can and do destroy relationships when they don't want to share mom or dad with someone new.



raising another's offspring as though they were your own! What could be better?



How about not raising someone Else's offspring.That would be much better.


Nice little well behaved kids I like. Spoiled rotten, entitled,foul mouthed, hateful princesses and princes I can do without.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 46
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 8:32:15 PM
OP~ Smart guy for not wanting to get in the middle of a mother and her child.
I kind of use my youngest daughter ( married ) as a dating filter. If potential future boyfriends can handle her picking, humor, and attitude along with mine, he's a keeper.
She doesn't like many which guess what? Hit the road Jack! Im too old to make family waves with my children; they are what is MOST important.
 ghostdog1973
Joined: 1/2/2010
Msg: 47
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 8:40:40 PM

Forget about him. His loss.


what a ridiculous statement...

there is a lot of drama that most folks don't want, can't handle and/or don't need...
 SylvanSwan
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 48
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 8:54:06 PM
@ lj76


ok city horsewoman,
i don;t see how you can come up with that.


Come up with what exactly?

{Messages this short cannot be posted}

 stayinalive-2-44691
Joined: 1/21/2008
Msg: 49
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/4/2010 9:06:40 PM
i was very much involved with a widow that had a 21 year old daughter who was THE very most important thing in her life. mom spent
$75k a year putting miss princess thru a private college, and no, she did not live in the dorm, but on the 18th floor of a highrise overlooking lake michigan. it was clear to me that not only would i always be second to the princess but would be made to feel a runner-up. shortly before we broke up mom received a notice from the court about several hundred dollars in unpaid parking tickets from miss princess --the car was registered in mom's name. i got out of the picture--i hope she and her daughter have a nice life.
 nicecowboy7
Joined: 11/25/2009
Msg: 50
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 5:34:24 AM
I can speak from my experience it was allot like these other men. There can be many issues. I had custody of my kids cause my wife passed. She had custody of her kids just because thats the way it usually works. Her kids were an issue for many reasons. My kids were very accepting and orderly and very sweet. Hers were terribly behaved in almost every way. The way they recieved and were allowed to treat me and my children were terrible. Nothing was done by her about any of it as well as my control over them or their well being. Yet I was expected to give care for them when she wasn't around. All this compounded with problems with the law. On top of that she was struggling financially. On top of that the father paid not a penny in child support. Had a tendency to make me feel as a man that im acceptable when the bills come in or when the children needed care. Unacceptable any other time. They were also around the age of ten. When they needed something I was the father figure without question when they didn't it was the "you cant tell me sh*t your not my dad". So for me I ended it because I was starting to get the feeling of if they are ballsy enough to say some or exibit the behavior of some mean hatefull stuff. That I would soon be ballsy enough to respond. I informed her of this and as she repeatedly ignored their behavior we would have no choice but to end the relationship. So these are many single reasons for someone to say Im out.
 gunny2nd
Joined: 1/10/2010
Msg: 51
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 7:41:07 AM
Well for me, it would be just as important to have the acceptance of the children, as the woman.

Look at all the profiles and post that say, 'my kids come first'. Why wouldn't they?? So the man feels rejected by the child.. He can take you to the moon but if the kids don't like him, he's DONE, end of story, close the book. The kids will judge him just as much if not more then you.

Would you rather he not care if she likes him?

And you don't know why she doesn't like him?? Are we missing something...

All that " he's using her as an excuse to leave you" bull.

Somewhere down the line someone didn't work out standing issues between the child and him. Your the mother, that's your responsibility.

If the kids didn't like me, and the mother was making no effort to work out the kinks, yeah I would have hit the road to. Its already a hard transision for all involved, effort has to be made.
 Sunnegirl
Joined: 10/30/2008
Msg: 53
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 12:37:07 PM
He did you a favor. I have learned that if your children do not like your boyfriend , there is something wrong. Our children know alot more than we give them credit for. He was just looking for an excuse, maybe even met someone else, move on sister , there is someone out there for you.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 56
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 2:06:06 PM
If this is a problem for either your daughter or the men you've been in relationships with, I'd simply leave your dating life separate from your family life until such time as your daughter's a bit older. You didn't say if you have shared custody with her father but if you do, I'd only have guys over when your daughter's not there. My b/f has an 11 year old daughter with every second week custody. I see him every second week in order to allow him to focus on her during the time he has her, rather than making her feel any more fragmented than divorces already make kids feel - my idea, not his. His ex, on the other hand, introduced a man into their daughter's life and it proved to be counter-productive in many ways for all concerned. Unless you're at the stage where you want to live with a boyfriend after a lengthy and gradual introduction into your younger children's lives, I believe in keeping dating and children separate, unless all your children are already adults - then it's a totally different dynamic.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >