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 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 75
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like himPage 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
This can be seen by many angles.
as other poster have mentioned:

1) Some parents don't even take the time to even examine what the kid is saying or why their behave in such way but take their defense and jump to the fence without even knowing if it is true, justified and/or exaggerated . Those parents have forgot that it is classic for a kid to dislike/hate new comers or new boyfriends/Girlfriend and will manipulate their parents to reject or end the new relationship in any ways possible. It really do not take much for a kid to behave like that: simply to have a new partner! And they can be VERY imaginative, convincing and manipulative too! Not the side of your kid you think you knew!

2) Some guys (and girls) will try to use any excuse to get out of a relationship. I use the term Guy/Girl as they are not adult enough to simply do the ending the right way.

3) In case where the children do not like the new comers and that the new adult well feel that there is no chances of improvement, no matter how they try to get closer to the children (The small teasing that another poster mentioned is a classic display of a bad attempt to try to get close: good intention bad method; and was not automatically a {sexual attack?} like some sick poster jumped to the conclusion right away) and know that their partner is the type of "my kids come first": so they walk away as they have no chances to even have a normal/ complete relationship with their partner, he tried for 10 months and cut his loses.

4) Yes there is some people (very very few) who will be dominated by a 10 year old (especially if the kids are brats and their parents are blind) or because that person is not quite mature and secure enough to stand their ground and have a conversation with the parent about it.


One way or the other: it is over with this guy. have a chat with your kids, try to find what really happened, make them understand that if you have a new person in your life that you will not love them less or differently and for the next one: try to put a distance between the mother and the woman at first.



EDIT:
Now I've read the entire thread and not just the beginning:

{"the few occasions my daughter was anything but nice and polite"}
{"she was NEVER left alone with him"}

DING DING DING!!!!!

The guy wanted a WOMAN too not just a mother! Be honest: on the 10 months how much time was you with the kids, you ~ him and the kids and how much time was just you and him alone?

you now have your reason why he left and also why your 10 year old didn't liked him.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 76
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:17:54 PM
"i believe she was jealous..."
I do too.
She perhaps felt she had to compete with him. She was angry about him. She compared him to her father. She blamed him because her father wasnt there. She didn't like the looks of him. A ten year old girl can have a hundred opinions as to why she doesn't want
this man around.

and the pervading feeling perhaps was jealousy. She felt excluded. That's what jealousy is.

She felt powerless to I imagine and since you only "believe" that she was jealous, tells me that this child did not have much oportunity to put a voice to a whole myriad of feelings she was having after your seperation .

Divorce affects different children differently. Since you have made this choice, it is also your responsibility to help your children through this emotionally. I am not just talking about being physically in the dwelling when they are home after school.

I personally will not introduce a man to my 12 year old daughter unless I have been dating him for 6 -9 months and we are talking about being exclusive. No way do I have a dating relationship in front of my kid. She will meet the one that is going to be with me longer term. My last bf never met her and I was with him for over a year.

EDIT: Post 84.. OP. Okay, So she was 7 when her father left and now is 10.
But this was the "first" one. The first guy she maybe have to accept and I think that
may have caused her to emotionally be affected .

My mother dies when I was 10, My father started dating when I was 11. I remember how much I hated that lady. I think I did out of loyalty to my mother. The first time seeing my father with someone else crushed me.
Maybe your daughter just needs more opportunity to talk to you. As her mother you are the one that is going to have to open the door and be available and listen.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 78
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:25:48 PM
{"i talked to her and still do so"}

Try REALLY listening instead of talking. Just a suggestion, if your not doing that already.



{"i believe she was jealous...and before anyone starts throwing around accusation about me not payg enough attention to my kids here are some facts
my ex was with me for less than one day a week"}

A thought.....Less then one day a week to a jealous 10 year old might as well be the same as every waking moment!!
People who are newly into a relationship ARE distracted and their attention is on other things, and we are not nearly as attentive to the same situations as we would be normaly.




{'when we were not together i was there for my children when the came home from school till they went to bed"}

Not you necessarily OP, just parents in general.... this statement means nothing! You can be in the same house in the same room and children can still feel like your not "there" for them or not spending enough QUALITY time with them. Thats just a fact.
 InNCsearching
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 79
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 5:26:15 PM
i'm with bigdaddyjinx on this one. You are being over protective and probably want him to take over the role and she's acting out. You did not correct her if you really thought highly of this man. you need to wise up.
 SuzyqInMD
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 82
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:33:38 PM
I haven't read everything so sorry, but ...This is familiar to me for the fact that I was your daughter.
I hated the man she dated when I was about 12/13yrs old. I just never liked him. He was kinda gruff and just didn't seem so nice. Did I know him? No. Did I want to ? NO.
I was jealous -even though at the time I didn't know it.
My mom was a widow, I never got her attention as I should have. she worked all the time, etc. .. And when she FINALLY started dating years after being a widow, she dated this jerk.
I wish now I didn't act like a jerk myself during that time.

In these situations-there is nothing that can change it.
 clambroth
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 83
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:47:36 PM
Been there - twice. He left before your daughter finally ruined it - and she would have eventually. Trust me, as she got older she would find more ways to sabotage it, more subtle and ingenious ways. Guilt trips, and all the rest. She would have killed it eventually. He saw it, knew it, realized and understood this as it was happening.
She should come first in your life anyway by all accounts. Don't fret. She doesn't care whether mom dies alone, a bitter old spinster. She really doesn't. Understand, though she has to come first in your life. If daughter # 4 hates the guy and the other 3 love him its over. Kids don't understand your motives and your feelings no matter how pure they might be. He knew it and bolted.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 84
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 7:19:25 PM

I know that's especially true of pets...like dogs and cats for sure...but people? Not so convinced. Especially a 10 year old who still believes in fairytales and look forward to Christmas because "Santa" will drop off a pile of goods. I do believe in babies/newborns being able to pick up things most adults wouldn't...I've seen the pets and newborns in action actually.


BDJ...Some people never lose this ability or gift. I'm 37 years old and I am still able to pick up on good or bad vibes. Seeing his own 3 ADULT daughters have detached all ties with him I am inclined to believe that something isn't right...this man has skeletons hidden away. In fact I strongly believe they're not 'nice' skeletons either.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 85
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 7:26:26 PM
... I keep trying to get mine to come back home but I can't even bribe them with new coffins...
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 87
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:44:56 PM

A 10 year old senses things around her, she's obviously picking up on this man's bad vibes

Could be. I know when my son was young he could pick a creep much faster than I could. As he got older, he didn't say much, but his face told the story. I didn't rely on him for my choices, but in hindsight? I definitely should have a time or 3. JMO
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 88
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:56:56 PM
If the situation isn't dealt with you may give the 10 year old the impression she can control your life OP. Both you and the boyfriend are letting the tail wag the dog here.

If the boyfriend has been a positive influence in your life, the 3 of you need to sit down and have a calm heart to heart with you as the mediator. If he is not willing to do that then he is just being immature or perhaps looking for a way out.

About a week ago here a 13 year old boy shot his mother's fiance in the back of the head point blank while he was sitting at the computer one night. It was not an accident and they were going to try him as an adult.
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 89
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:57:20 PM
verygreen eyez...My daughter did this also, and still does!~ She is now 28 and I have had to agree with her every time .What does that say about my picks?? lol.
 yew4ic
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 91
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:16:36 PM
I feel it is critical for the biological parent to do the disciplining of the children. When step parents or boyfriend/girlfriend try to get in there and do what is the parents job, it becomes breeding grounds for a disaster.The kids should be used to their own parents doing if from the start, so that when a new person is added into the mix, the role of disciplinarian is not dropped into their lap. If the biological parent is doing their job, then there is less chance of the kid spouting off " YOU'RE NOT MY DAD" to the boyfriend/step parent. Usually, when children use that playing card, it is because their own parents have not had a handle on them.
 hamster-dance
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 92
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:32:37 PM
I also have a 10 yr old girl, and I have to say that if she and my BF are not getting along, I will take my daughter's side every single time. I dated a guy for 4 years and lived with him for a year and a half. A lot of the reason I left him was because of the way he acted towards her. When she came to visit I felt like I was constantly having to defend her just for being a normal kid, and I got sick of it. I'm not about to let any man get between me and my kid. She's the most important person in my life.

My ex husband is remarried and half the time she gets in trouble it has something to do with her not getting along with her step mom. He doesn't seem to get that he's driving an even bigger wedge by punishing her. I really hate that he always seems to take his wife's side.
 hamster-dance
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 93
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:35:29 PM

Especially a 10 year old who still believes in fairytales and look forward to Christmas because "Santa" will drop off a pile of goods.


My 10 yr old stopped believing in Santa when she was five, and decided on her own a couple years ago that she didn't believe in Christianity. Either way, I don't know many ten yr olds who haven't figured out the Santa thing.
 clambroth
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 94
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 6:16:29 AM
Was Santa supposed to be a Christian? I thought he was a jolly non-sectarian follow who simply did his thing on a religious holiday.
 Pondering the Circle.....
Joined: 1/18/2010
Msg: 95
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 6:39:38 AM
decided on her own a couple years ago that she didn't believe in Christianity.

Yeah right...she didn't pick up any vibes from the surroundings you've created. It's ridiculous to not believe in Christianity anyway. It exists. You yourself may not believe in some of the faith but the thing itself, 'Christianity', exists.
If the person in the relationship with the children isn't willing to 'allow' and if the person in the relationship without children won't 'accept' parental responsibility...then what the F are you wasting time over this for? It would be a topic I would have brought up very early in knowing someone who I thought I might be living with.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 96
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 6:41:44 AM
classic case of territorial ownership.

To children, parents are something they depend on at many levels and at another level that they own: it's their parents, no one else and they do not share that unique possession with anyone for anything.

Then comes a new player, who seams, in their unique perspective to be taking away their possession, taking away time and opportunities out from them, "parts" of what makes their ultimate close circle word; a pebble that create ripples in their pond.

It really does not matter if the person is great: it is an intrusion, a robbery, a disturbing element that must go as they cannot absorb or solve that new "interaction" and will go by default to the simplest reaction they naturally know: rejection. (another example of default rejection reaction when dealing with a problematic: "You're not my friend anymore"...now how many times did we see that one! LOL!).

Most adults on this very site react in such ways: I do not understand, am not familiar with, I do not know: thus I distant and reject. (most will not admit it, by their actions shows that they do). it's OK: it's a basic auto protective mechanism.

The guy saw that, cut his lost as he believed for a reason or another or was under the impression that it was a dead end: far too much complications and no resolution possible.

I will be honest here: myself, when I was on the dating scene where keeping away from women with non-adult kids as there is exponential possibilities of complications and that I know myself: I will become attached to the kids as they where my own, but they are not my own, with ALL that it implies.
So why will or should I gamble? Life is complicated enough not to add some more or opening the door to possibilities of more complications: so in my close circle personal life, I play safe and avoid them.
 citizen_joe
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 98
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 7:54:12 AM
Whether it was you ending it or him, still, it happened the way it was supposed to. Imagine how your 10 year old would have felt if she found herself living with an adult she didn't like.
 blue450
Joined: 7/24/2009
Msg: 103
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:08:33 AM
...I've tried dating women with a child when I was younger..too many issues/downsides. Best Scenario she was 41 with two adult children living out of state..she had done her Mother thing and was free to enjoy her own life again..
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 104
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:15:38 AM
@copstav2

just in case your reply here was directed to my last post:

You do not read properly or completely, right? I clearly said:
1) non-adult kids (how many 40 year old have kids who are not already or close to be adults?) a 'close to 18" will have better "potential" to understand the situation then a 10 year old.

2) what in the term "possibilities" make you think or believe that there is a certainty? just like if you are going to the casino and gamble all of your economies: there is a possibility that you will win the jackpot, but also (a much biggest one) that you will lose everything; which lead to number 3:

3) Gamble: will not do it, will not risk it if I could. Why? as I said: because I will get attached to those kids as they where my own, which they are NOT with ALL that it implies, especially since NOTHING is eternal, why will I have my heart broke TWICE if that relationship came to an end? Why will I expose those kids to another separation of a father figure AGAIN?( a father is NOT just the guy who got you pregnant, it is far more then that) Also, why will I ever play with fire in such close personal matters when I can simply avoid the "what-if"? Am not a masochist or a sadist!

it is narrow minded NOT to take all those variables into considerations when dating, it is more likely self centered and irresponsible just to jump in without thinking.

Will I exclude someone special by this first choice of "not dating" women with kids? maybe! but I will never know and will never be affected by it, or influence it in any ways as I will try not do it to begin with; therefore no one lose anything; But If I happen to know one, a very special one, then only will I deal with this rationally on a case by case basis, taking all into account, am not also an close minded idiot.

By choosing "not to do so", may I exclude problems and ramifications? Most probably! because, chances for chances,...ratio for ratio.... the later "choice" have far more "chances" to happen as there is, to begin with, a triple variable who can create problems and/or complications and/or ramifications, where the first "choice" only had one.

Sorry: Having a life without personal drama is a jackpot very hard to obtain and to keep and I will not lose it on a simple gamble or a 'what~if".
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 105
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:46:18 AM

my ex was with me for less than one day a week... distance and being able to afford the fuel being the reason for that and he wanted to be here with me instead of me being at his house

Having read this, I'm even more of the belief than my first post that you were introducing a man into your children's life well before you should have. Once per week for ten months equates to roughtly 40 times that you were with this man and apparently all of them, by your account, at your place and most of the time while your kids were there. This means that you introduced this man into your children's life before you, yourself, even got to know him well.

I'd suggest you pursue relationships with men who live closer which would allow you to date them away from your children for a long period before gradually introducing them to your children. People can get carried away with the "warm fuzzies" of having "one big happy family" situation with a new partner long before they should where kids are concerned. Take your time next time and get to know the man yourself well before subjecting your kids to a revolving door of male figures constantly disappearing from their lives (I understand this is the first in 3 years but to your kids this is the second man in their life in the past 3 years to disappear from their lives). They reel for years just by not having their own father with them daily.

You have to try hard to put yourself in the shoes of your children and understand what it may feel like from their perspective, understanding also that each child has a different personality. To do otherwise is being selfish and putting a need for a relationship with a man before the best interests of your children, even though it's understood that parents need relationships of their own. Keep the two separate for a much longer period of time. After all, you aren't "forced" to play with your kids' friends every time they are together and neither should they be forced to be part of your reltaionships, especially under these sort of conditions.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 106
view profile
History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:07:11 AM


I know that's especially true of pets...like dogs and cats for sure...but people? Not so convinced. Especially a 10 year old who still believes in fairytales and look forward to Christmas because "Santa" will drop off a pile of goods. I do believe in babies/newborns being able to pick up things most adults wouldn't...I've seen the pets and newborns in action actually.


BDJ...Some people never lose this ability or gift. I'm 37 years old and I am still able to pick up on good or bad vibes. Seeing his own 3 ADULT daughters have detached all ties with him I am inclined to believe that something isn't right...this man has skeletons hidden away. In fact I strongly believe they're not 'nice' skeletons either.



Could be. I know when my son was young he could pick a creep much faster than I could. As he got older, he didn't say much, but his face told the story. I didn't rely on him for my choices, but in hindsight? I definitely should have a time or 3.

Couple of years ago I started seeing someone. My kids didn't dislike him but they did feel like something was off, i.e. they didn't totally like him either. I think partially because they couldn't articulate it (they were 6, 10 and 13 at the time), could point to no solid definable thing that bothered them, and because I was really happy, they didn't say anything until after we stopped seeing each other.

My kids do not dictate my personal life. They know that if they are treated well by a person and there is no reason for them to dislike someone, if their noses are out of joint, they will have to get over it. At the same time, we did learn that in the absence of a clear reason for the dislike, they should have shared the angst they couldn't seem to adequately explain. I agree, this is a "skill" most people have when they are young and I think our focus on manners and avoiding rudeness socializes it out of us.
 vanililly
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 107
left
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:22:42 AM
I'm sorry it isn't working out.
After few months, introducing him to the kids, I'm sure you are very much attached to him.
:-(

It will be ok.
And I do have to say it sounds like an excuse he is making to avoid telling you the real reason.

All the best to you and your children.
:-)
It will be ok.
 blackman4you
Joined: 8/19/2009
Msg: 108
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:53:43 AM
You and only you can talk to your daughter about her behavior . Its is perfectly normal for a child to not like Any man that you bring home. From a child's point of view you and all your time belong to them. Anyone taking up your time is not welcome in the home PERIOD. Now depending on how your child acted the man may have feared that your child might say that he did something to her. Or he may have felt that it was not worth going through all of the trouble for a relationship that he didn't think would be worth it in the end. Remember your child would always be there.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 109
left
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:54:05 AM
Someone who knows how to communicate....


{"I finally listened to my 16 year old son and saw his point of view and began to notice what he was seeing with the relationship and eventually ending the relationship"}

Because you LISTENED instead of talking! and were open minded enough to see more then one side! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!




{"Come to find out my son was right"}

You would have NEVER known that had you not listened, had he not had valid reasons and had you not been willing to hear them.
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