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 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 62
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like himPage 3 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

Many many years ago my daughter tried her best to do just that by lying and making up stories... when she realized that that tactic was NOT going to work and that commitment and communication are a very important part of life and she was NOT going to get her way "just because"....she quit!


Or maybe your daughter just gave up!

A 10 year old senses things around her, she's obviously picking up on this man's bad vibes.

Kids don't just cut ties with their parents for no apparent reason...this man has 3 grown up kids that have broken all ties with him...this should give you and everyone else an indication on the type of person he is.
 anonymouslyme
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 63
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:25:59 PM
Hello OP, I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. It is a very sad situation. When I met my ex husband, he had recently been divorced, and had 10 yr old twin daughters. They very much resented their father living with me, as opposed to their mother. I was the first person he dated after their divorce, and I think part of them always assumed I had something to do with their parent's divorce, although I didn't meet him until after.... In the beginning, they were pretty openly hostile, and although my ex made a few half hearted attempts at 'keeping the peace' I think deep down, he had a huge sense of guilt for having left them behind, with a woman he himself considered unbearable to live with. I actually discussed leaving with him several times near the beginning, but he begged me to stay with him, promised me we would continue to work through things, and said that eventually things would work themselves out. So I hung in there and kept trying.... I think the only thing that carried us through so many rough patches was the fact that the girls were only with us 4 days out of the month, and many times, they wouldn't even come during those times, because their mother had "accidentally" scheduled something for them to do with her that particular weekend. The times in between visits, he and I had a spectacular relationship, but in my opinion, the best it ever got with the girls was changing from blatent hostility to thinly veiled contempt, and the pretense of being a close family. I worked hard to make them feel comfortable and unthreatened in their relationship with their father, but they misread that kindness for weakness, and looked for any minute reason to create conflict in our household. We thought when our son was born, that might help create a more cohesive family bond, but it actually had the exact opposite effect, and I can't even describe the tension and animosity that just seemed to grow and grow... There were a lot of other things that were going on too, and eventually, I ended up leaving that marriage. I wouldn't say the girls were the cause of our breakup, but not having to spend time "pretending" to be a happy family with children that were never happy unless they were creating a situation where the ex had to make a choice where his loyalty lied was one of the greatest reliefs when the decision was made. Looking back, it seems like such a waste to have spent so much time trying to create a family situation with people who refused to be happy with anything other than their FAO together. My son is 19, and he refuses to even go spend any time with his father, because of all the tension and conflict that the girls create. I spent many years feeling guilty, feeling like I must be defective, because I couldn't figure out how to make that situation work, when I loved their father so very very much.... It was a feeling I couldn't shake until he started telling me how much conflict they were attempting to create in the relationship he got involved in after our divorce.... These girls are 28 years old now, and still just can't seem to come to grips with the fact that their father needs adult female companionship that isn't their place to provide. He has expressed his regret to me many times, that he could not see, or did not know how to effectively deal with, the issues that they were bringing to the table, and allowed it to have such a destructive effect on our relationship, and the relationship he has with our son. I take no satisfaction in the fact that another woman is dealing with the subtle animosity that I lived with for so many years, and it makes me profoundly sad for their father, as I don't think he will ever have the chance to experience a healthy loving relationship without that interferance.

I'm not saying your daughter is the issue here, there's no way for me to know that. Sometimes, certain individuals just cannot find a way to get along comfortably with other particular individuals, (think oil and water) and they don't feel as though it's in their power to change that. In that case, I think leaving is sometimes the best option, as painful as it might be. Maybe he didn't feel like he would ever be truly 'accepted' and have that sense of belonging within your family unit, and you really can't underestimate the importance of that security. I recently got engaged to a man who was divorced with two older teenage sons, living with him full time, and it's a completely different environment. The kids have good relationships with both their parents, and their parent's SO's because they feel accepted and loved in both situations, and they truly want to see each of their parents happy, in whatever situation they choose. If I had realized the damaging effect this whole thing was having on my son (and myself, and the ex, and likely the girls too) and how much different things could actually be in a stepfamily situation, I would have dismantled the whole thing about 15 years sooner.... BigDaddyJinx is right... no one should have to walk on eggshells in their own home, regardless of where the issue is coming from. I know this is a painful situation for you, and you have my genuine sympathy. However, I think in the long run, it will spare you the frustration and heartache of having wasted countless years in a relationship where you weren't able to be truly deeply connected to each other on a continuous basis, due to the subtle undercurrent of animosity that keeps everyone off center. I don't think there's anyone to blame in this situation... it's sad, but it is what it is. I wouldn't take it to mean that he didn't love you, or didn't value your relationship.... I think he simply got the feeling that there was not going to be a possibility to create a cohesive situation that was comfortable for everyone, and his leaving offers you both the opportunity to meet someone else who may be better suited to your particular situations. Your daughter is part of your package, as it should be, so if the situation were to be resolved, this was the only logical answer. I hope you feel better soon, and I wish you the very best.
 Saturday Night Rocks
Joined: 11/20/2005
Msg: 65
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:32:56 PM
Haven't read all the other posts, but try this on for size - the guy may simply not want to deal with unnecessary drama in his personal life , and rather than trying to pretend it was going to change, he decided enough was enough and ended things.
 BergundTal
Joined: 4/10/2009
Msg: 66
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History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:35:59 PM
Good woman Angela77 you said the right thing. There is always a reason, she may seen something the love drunk brain of the mother can not see.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 67
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:45:19 PM
Arabiangel {"A 10 year old senses things around her, she's obviously picking up on this man's bad vibes"}

That is also true to a point. I'm sorry, but It is NOT obvious to us (or atleast it shouldnt be because we were not there) that she had picked up bad vibes.

Children also more often then not, tend to lie and try to come between adults when they are jealous!!
I"m not saying one or the other is correct... Just another observation other then what I had already read in other posts.
 77Angela
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 70
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:56:34 PM

i have asked my daughter many times why she did not like him and never got an answer that was meaninglful... maybe she wanted her dad back ... my ex bf is the only other man ever to come into her life apart from her dad ...i have asked her about this and she denies it,,,


What kind of personality does your daughter have?
Is she vindictive?
Is she selfish?
Does she make friends easily, or is it difficult for her?
What is her relationship like with her father?

Think about these things, and then get in an open mindset and talk to her again and again about why she didn't like this guy; if you don't find this out, you may(and probably will) run into the same problem again and again whenever you meet a man you like.

If she'd a kindhearted girl, then you really need to pay attention to her reactions to the man you're with. There's a REASON she doesn't like him; and perhaps she doesn't want to hurt YOU by telling you the truth.

If she's the vindictive type, then that has to be taken into consideration.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 71
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 3:57:22 PM

its sad for him because he has 4 daughters but only sees 1 of them, the other three dont want anything to do with him which he said was because their mothers had poisend them against him...
OP this puts a new spin on the situation for me. Are these 4 daughters sisters all from the same home? Either way children no matter how much one parent poison's the child they almost always come back to the said parent for answers. Usually when they are teenagers so this doesn't sound right to me..



Children also more often then not, tend to lie and try to come between adults when they are jealous!!

Oh boy howdee do they ever. People that state a child doesn't lie, I always want to ask them. " Have you ever seen a two year old that has crawled up to get a cookie out of the cookie jar, the parents asks did you get a cookie what does that child say 99% of the time No mommy I didn't as tthey have cookies crumbs and chewing as fast as they can. Kids will like if they see a benefit to it ,that is human nature. I am not saying a this child is I am just talking in generalities here.

As far as the OP... She is the one that stated she was devastated and starting to resent the child to me that is a huge red flag. Also I know myself and many other parents that have great communication with their kids. You can tell when they are being evasive and it is your job as the parent to figure it out. Then deal with it accordingly.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 72
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:04:49 PM
Dear OP Oh my.

Do you really have to guess why your daughter is upset. Do you?
You are just seperated. Your not divorced. The time line suggests that within the past year
you seperated from your husband and sometime soon after met another man.
He is a bouncer in a club, forgive me but these men are rarely family guys. He is introduced to your children very very quickly. You take up on the couch with him, cuddling, making a display of yourself with another man. Infront of your 10 year old?
I assume. She is aware that you are amorous of him. No?
You obviously have no conversation with the child about, before , during the introductions of this new beau, because if you had, you would not be clueless as to what her thoughts were.
Divorce/Seperation to a young 10 year old girl is developmentally intrusive. It is a heartache. It is sorrow. Children hurt over seperations.
You put a bandaid on a broken leg...and then you added insult to injury to this child by just parading in another man, that she was not ready to accept.
She perhaps needed ultimate time with just her mother to recover and regroup and regain her childhood.
You just added misery to her life with yet another failed relationship.

You are worried that you may resent this child? The child should resent you. Your timing to fulfill your own desires for lust and romance have neglected your childs well being in ending your marraige. You say it was the first man she would know except her father, yet there is NO evidence that you NUTURED her through it.

I think you should keep your love interests discreet and away from the home for a time being. I think you need to do some mothering and not trying to be someones girlfriend right now. I have 4 daughters 31,27, 24, 12. I have many times decided to remain single and NOT DATE because they were at stages in there life when they had to come first.

I think you should look at his depature as a blessing in disguise, get over it NOW, and turn your head and pay attention to your kid. Focus on your girl. Forget about men.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 73
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:06:34 PM
{"this puts a new spin on the situation for me."}
Because you are assuming!

{"Either way children no matter how much one parent poison's the child they almost always come back to the said parent for answers. Usually when they are teenagers so this doesn't sound right to me"}

Not neccessarily! If they actually believe everything their mother told them, then they may be pissed off at him and dont see a reason to even attempt to ask!




{"As far as the OP... She is the one that stated she was devastated and starting to resent the child to me that is a huge red flag"}.

Deffinate problem there!


{"Also I know myself and many other parents that have great communication with their kids. You can tell when they are being evasive and it is your job as the parent to figure it out. Then deal with it accordingly"}

You hit that one right on target! That was exactly my point.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 75
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:15:06 PM
This can be seen by many angles.
as other poster have mentioned:

1) Some parents don't even take the time to even examine what the kid is saying or why their behave in such way but take their defense and jump to the fence without even knowing if it is true, justified and/or exaggerated . Those parents have forgot that it is classic for a kid to dislike/hate new comers or new boyfriends/Girlfriend and will manipulate their parents to reject or end the new relationship in any ways possible. It really do not take much for a kid to behave like that: simply to have a new partner! And they can be VERY imaginative, convincing and manipulative too! Not the side of your kid you think you knew!

2) Some guys (and girls) will try to use any excuse to get out of a relationship. I use the term Guy/Girl as they are not adult enough to simply do the ending the right way.

3) In case where the children do not like the new comers and that the new adult well feel that there is no chances of improvement, no matter how they try to get closer to the children (The small teasing that another poster mentioned is a classic display of a bad attempt to try to get close: good intention bad method; and was not automatically a {sexual attack?} like some sick poster jumped to the conclusion right away) and know that their partner is the type of "my kids come first": so they walk away as they have no chances to even have a normal/ complete relationship with their partner, he tried for 10 months and cut his loses.

4) Yes there is some people (very very few) who will be dominated by a 10 year old (especially if the kids are brats and their parents are blind) or because that person is not quite mature and secure enough to stand their ground and have a conversation with the parent about it.


One way or the other: it is over with this guy. have a chat with your kids, try to find what really happened, make them understand that if you have a new person in your life that you will not love them less or differently and for the next one: try to put a distance between the mother and the woman at first.



EDIT:
Now I've read the entire thread and not just the beginning:

{"the few occasions my daughter was anything but nice and polite"}
{"she was NEVER left alone with him"}

DING DING DING!!!!!

The guy wanted a WOMAN too not just a mother! Be honest: on the 10 months how much time was you with the kids, you ~ him and the kids and how much time was just you and him alone?

you now have your reason why he left and also why your 10 year old didn't liked him.
 Chill Pill
Joined: 11/19/2009
Msg: 76
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:17:54 PM
"i believe she was jealous..."
I do too.
She perhaps felt she had to compete with him. She was angry about him. She compared him to her father. She blamed him because her father wasnt there. She didn't like the looks of him. A ten year old girl can have a hundred opinions as to why she doesn't want
this man around.

and the pervading feeling perhaps was jealousy. She felt excluded. That's what jealousy is.

She felt powerless to I imagine and since you only "believe" that she was jealous, tells me that this child did not have much oportunity to put a voice to a whole myriad of feelings she was having after your seperation .

Divorce affects different children differently. Since you have made this choice, it is also your responsibility to help your children through this emotionally. I am not just talking about being physically in the dwelling when they are home after school.

I personally will not introduce a man to my 12 year old daughter unless I have been dating him for 6 -9 months and we are talking about being exclusive. No way do I have a dating relationship in front of my kid. She will meet the one that is going to be with me longer term. My last bf never met her and I was with him for over a year.

EDIT: Post 84.. OP. Okay, So she was 7 when her father left and now is 10.
But this was the "first" one. The first guy she maybe have to accept and I think that
may have caused her to emotionally be affected .

My mother dies when I was 10, My father started dating when I was 11. I remember how much I hated that lady. I think I did out of loyalty to my mother. The first time seeing my father with someone else crushed me.
Maybe your daughter just needs more opportunity to talk to you. As her mother you are the one that is going to have to open the door and be available and listen.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 78
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 4:25:48 PM
{"i talked to her and still do so"}

Try REALLY listening instead of talking. Just a suggestion, if your not doing that already.



{"i believe she was jealous...and before anyone starts throwing around accusation about me not payg enough attention to my kids here are some facts
my ex was with me for less than one day a week"}

A thought.....Less then one day a week to a jealous 10 year old might as well be the same as every waking moment!!
People who are newly into a relationship ARE distracted and their attention is on other things, and we are not nearly as attentive to the same situations as we would be normaly.




{'when we were not together i was there for my children when the came home from school till they went to bed"}

Not you necessarily OP, just parents in general.... this statement means nothing! You can be in the same house in the same room and children can still feel like your not "there" for them or not spending enough QUALITY time with them. Thats just a fact.
 InNCsearching
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 79
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 5:26:15 PM
i'm with bigdaddyjinx on this one. You are being over protective and probably want him to take over the role and she's acting out. You did not correct her if you really thought highly of this man. you need to wise up.
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 80
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History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:07:25 PM
Kids are kids... they get jealous yes, but they are insecure, they are afraid of abandonment by the only parent they have around. Having a discussion about why she didn't like the ex comes to no answers unless there was something specific. Op, it would appear that none exist. You might not get the closure you want for his walking away and sometimes we just have to pick ourselves up by the boot strings and carry on...

Your daughter most likely is dealing with divorce issues. How on earth does she formulate that? If you are correcting her, bringing her up right than you are doing your job. Assuring this child that you aren't going anywhere might be what she needs to hear.

In a divorce kids need the assurance of both parents that nothing changes in the relationship with that child, so if you have a Dad who walked away (especially over another woman) how does a kid figure that one out? If he drops from sight? Another man steps in and she see's that you love him what is to stop her from worrying that you will leave to?

Not all kids react the same so it stands to reason that the others liked him.

It's not always about monster children. Good grief, it sickens me that the 10 yr old is put up to be attacked for her manners without even knowing her....
 SuzyqInMD
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 82
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:33:38 PM
I haven't read everything so sorry, but ...This is familiar to me for the fact that I was your daughter.
I hated the man she dated when I was about 12/13yrs old. I just never liked him. He was kinda gruff and just didn't seem so nice. Did I know him? No. Did I want to ? NO.
I was jealous -even though at the time I didn't know it.
My mom was a widow, I never got her attention as I should have. she worked all the time, etc. .. And when she FINALLY started dating years after being a widow, she dated this jerk.
I wish now I didn't act like a jerk myself during that time.

In these situations-there is nothing that can change it.
 clambroth
Joined: 10/27/2007
Msg: 83
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 6:47:36 PM
Been there - twice. He left before your daughter finally ruined it - and she would have eventually. Trust me, as she got older she would find more ways to sabotage it, more subtle and ingenious ways. Guilt trips, and all the rest. She would have killed it eventually. He saw it, knew it, realized and understood this as it was happening.
She should come first in your life anyway by all accounts. Don't fret. She doesn't care whether mom dies alone, a bitter old spinster. She really doesn't. Understand, though she has to come first in your life. If daughter # 4 hates the guy and the other 3 love him its over. Kids don't understand your motives and your feelings no matter how pure they might be. He knew it and bolted.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 84
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 7:19:25 PM

I know that's especially true of pets...like dogs and cats for sure...but people? Not so convinced. Especially a 10 year old who still believes in fairytales and look forward to Christmas because "Santa" will drop off a pile of goods. I do believe in babies/newborns being able to pick up things most adults wouldn't...I've seen the pets and newborns in action actually.


BDJ...Some people never lose this ability or gift. I'm 37 years old and I am still able to pick up on good or bad vibes. Seeing his own 3 ADULT daughters have detached all ties with him I am inclined to believe that something isn't right...this man has skeletons hidden away. In fact I strongly believe they're not 'nice' skeletons either.
 xlr8ingmargo
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 85
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 7:26:26 PM
... I keep trying to get mine to come back home but I can't even bribe them with new coffins...
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 87
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:44:56 PM

A 10 year old senses things around her, she's obviously picking up on this man's bad vibes

Could be. I know when my son was young he could pick a creep much faster than I could. As he got older, he didn't say much, but his face told the story. I didn't rely on him for my choices, but in hindsight? I definitely should have a time or 3. JMO
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 88
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:56:56 PM
If the situation isn't dealt with you may give the 10 year old the impression she can control your life OP. Both you and the boyfriend are letting the tail wag the dog here.

If the boyfriend has been a positive influence in your life, the 3 of you need to sit down and have a calm heart to heart with you as the mediator. If he is not willing to do that then he is just being immature or perhaps looking for a way out.

About a week ago here a 13 year old boy shot his mother's fiance in the back of the head point blank while he was sitting at the computer one night. It was not an accident and they were going to try him as an adult.
 BLUEMISS
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 89
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History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 8:57:20 PM
verygreen eyez...My daughter did this also, and still does!~ She is now 28 and I have had to agree with her every time .What does that say about my picks?? lol.
 ANGLICO-USMC
Joined: 1/25/2009
Msg: 90
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History
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 9:58:54 PM
I would leave due to kids, but it all depends on the parent.

swimmer got real lucky, he got with a cool mom.

with some if you so much as point a finger (or in my case a hand) or raise your voice to them, mommy gets all "no no no, you dont raise my kids."

at this point my unlived life flashes before my eyes. lil brats throwing tantrums, throwing **** at me, crying and screaming all day long, I want to watch the news but they want to spend an 8th hour watching dora the explorer dvds, and when i finally snap and yell out to the crying brats "SHUT THE **** UP AND GO TO YOUR ROOM!" you're gonna break up with me anyway, so yeah ill leave in a heart beat.
 yew4ic
Joined: 6/22/2009
Msg: 91
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didn't like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:16:36 PM
I feel it is critical for the biological parent to do the disciplining of the children. When step parents or boyfriend/girlfriend try to get in there and do what is the parents job, it becomes breeding grounds for a disaster.The kids should be used to their own parents doing if from the start, so that when a new person is added into the mix, the role of disciplinarian is not dropped into their lap. If the biological parent is doing their job, then there is less chance of the kid spouting off " YOU'RE NOT MY DAD" to the boyfriend/step parent. Usually, when children use that playing card, it is because their own parents have not had a handle on them.
 hamster-dance
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 92
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:32:37 PM
I also have a 10 yr old girl, and I have to say that if she and my BF are not getting along, I will take my daughter's side every single time. I dated a guy for 4 years and lived with him for a year and a half. A lot of the reason I left him was because of the way he acted towards her. When she came to visit I felt like I was constantly having to defend her just for being a normal kid, and I got sick of it. I'm not about to let any man get between me and my kid. She's the most important person in my life.

My ex husband is remarried and half the time she gets in trouble it has something to do with her not getting along with her step mom. He doesn't seem to get that he's driving an even bigger wedge by punishing her. I really hate that he always seems to take his wife's side.
 hamster-dance
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 93
my boyfriend has left me cos my 10yr daughter didnt like him
Posted: 2/5/2010 10:35:29 PM

Especially a 10 year old who still believes in fairytales and look forward to Christmas because "Santa" will drop off a pile of goods.


My 10 yr old stopped believing in Santa when she was five, and decided on her own a couple years ago that she didn't believe in Christianity. Either way, I don't know many ten yr olds who haven't figured out the Santa thing.
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