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 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 16
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Ahhhh...gotta love all that great hindsight...sheeeeeesssshhh...she knows what she should've done...but so glad to see so many critics pointing in the wrong direction...she's thinking about the future.

I think the fundamental issue is...

I don't want to scare him away.

Listen...if you (without him) are good with the idea of your b/f being as physically and emotional intimate as he is with you with someone else...then don't worry about it.

And if not...then be an adult and tell him these are things you need to know...not because you are afraid of losing him, but because he's given you cause to ask and you are concerned for your health, safety and whether you should be investing time in this relationship.
 GeneralizingNow
Joined: 10/10/2007
Msg: 17
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:46:42 AM
You want what you want: you want an exclusive relationship with the man.
Anything else you think is just rationalization.
Be true to yourself.
Ask the hard question, react in a way that is true to yourself when he answers.
 Samantha44
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 18
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 8:48:23 AM
I'm with the other posters here, that should have been established before you decided to become intimate. You need to have some value for yourself, if you feel approaching this question now will scare him off then he wasn't really there to begin with...best find out now before you become more invested.

Remember OP your worth it and any guy should know it right out of the gate that you don't compete, or share because "You don't have to!!!!" Only woman that have NO value or respect for themselves agree to sharing. ( or in yor case not asking the question...don't ever assume)
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20
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at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:31:17 AM
Probably would have been a good idea to have the exclusivity convo before you became intimate but yes, ask.

You are intimate with this man and afraid that a simple question that you have every right to ask given health concerns will scare him away?

You are sleeping with a man you are afraid to talk to. Dating hasn't changed all that much. Failing to figure out how you wish to be treated before you get involved leaves you open to this type of scenario.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 21
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:33:41 AM
Definitely before I start sleeping with him (outside of the typical test drive, that is). I don't ask before an exclusivity talk what he's doing - I assume he's dating and or sleeping with others because he's single and that comes with the territory. If he's not it'd be a pleasant surprise, but that's seldom the case.

All you can do now is take a step back from the situation and sit him down for a talk.
 tango590
Joined: 3/22/2009
Msg: 23
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:40:35 AM
Sista, Steve Harvey has all the answers that you are looking for...."Act like a Lady,Think like a Man"Run to the store and get it. Best wishes, Tango590
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 24
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at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:41:41 AM
One would ask before they had sex, along with tests for STDs and knowing someone well enough to do these things/know they aren't married/etc.
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:44:56 AM
I'd say at the point you think the relationship is going to progress beyond friendship. Otherwise it's not really our business.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 27
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:50:47 AM
Once again my standard answer to this type of question. If you can be open enough to take your clothes off and yet not intimate enough to speak or ask frank questions, you have no buiness getting naked in the first place. This is like shooting and asking questions later, closing the barn door after the horses have gone, etc. etc. You may not have cared at the time you had your first sexual encounter with the individual if he was dating other people because you got caught up in the moment but for your own safety, it's a question that HAS to be asked beforehand and you have to be able to judge by various means if there's honesty backing up the response. Even if he isn't with others now, everyone he's slept with before is sleeping with you now - play safe, both physically and emotionally!
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 28
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 9:54:51 AM

Sista, Steve Harvey has all the answers that you are looking for...."Act like a Lady,Think like a Man"Run to the store and get it. Best wishes, Tango590

No need.

http://randombooks.net/ebooks/index.php/PsychiatryPsychology/act-like-a-lady-think-like-a-man-steve-harvey-free-ebook-download.php
 dynamite1727
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 29
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:06:55 AM
Wake up everyone! Looking silly, getting hurt, being left and alone should be the least of everyone's concerns. Sleeping with someone before knowing if they are exclusive is dangerous. No relationship or great sex is worth putting your health and life in jeopardy. There are more middle age and seniors infected with HIV know-a-days than ever before because they are naive. They don't think it is something they need to be concerned about at their age and they feel too awkward and uncomfortable to have the important conversations. Just like it is important to talk with teens about sex and drugs we also need to have the important converstations with those we would like to be intimate with. Why treat yourself with any less value than you would want your own children, nieces and nephews to have in their intimate relationships. And, of course follow your instincts. There is nothing wrong with asking someone if they have ever been tested, when the last time was and how many sex partners they have had since. It is your life and you have every right to protect yourself from someone that can take your life as you know it now away - ask anyone that is HIV posititve.

I wish you well in your new relationship and hope this man gives you the good honest answers you deserve.
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 30
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at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 10:59:58 AM
^^^^ That book will ruin you forever, so far as men and dating are concerned. Just like it's predecessor best-sellers (among women, at least) "He's Just Not That Into You" and "The Rules".

In answer to the OP, she needs to discover the joys of stalking, because that's what a man would do as it's the only way to know fersure... <img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0>
 MysticalAngel429
Joined: 11/7/2009
Msg: 31
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:10:29 AM
If you do not ask you will never know...

If you don't feel comfortable asking him than simply tell him...hey if you ever decide to go out on a date with someone else or anything of that nature...I would appreciate it very much that you inform me of that happening... If you have no desire to see anyone but him...than tell him...the truth you have no desire to see anyone else other than him.
 nipoleon
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 32
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at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:18:14 AM
Sometimes I'm really amazed at the naivete of people's answers.
Ask before you get intimate ?
Nobody ever does that !

Before anyone gets intimate with anyone else, man or woman, they should have been paying enough attention to figure out the answer to that question without ever having to ask outright.
Believe me, it wont be long before you'll find out.

Then you have to ask the really important question of yourself.

How important is it to you ?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 33
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 11:25:28 AM

That book will ruin you forever, so far as men and dating are concerned. Just like it's predecessor best-sellers (among women, at least) "He's Just Not That Into You" and "The Rules".

Hopefully with any common sense, self help book readers will not take a book like that literally.. The Rules is meant to center women who were so far off they were giving themselves to anything that showed interest - for the rest of us, it was interesting/had a few points to consider. With Greg Behrendt and Steve Harvey primarily being comedians, that some of it is naturally supposed to be about comic relief (same goes to those men who constantly like to quote Chris Rock - a bit is a bit for a reason).
 ForumFilly
Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 35
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 1:10:21 PM
This is something I would have discussed PRIOR to being intimate. If you aren't comfortable enough to discuss whether that person is monogamous, then maybe you shouldn't be having sex with them. I wouldn't be intimate with a man who was still dating, much less sleeping, with other women. I suggest you discuss this with him soon. And I hope you've been using condoms, just in case.
 sosdd
Joined: 12/14/2009
Msg: 36
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/6/2010 5:48:29 PM
I saw on the doctors, I think it was, that the over 45 group was having more problems with STI/STD's because we weren't taught to be concerned like the kids are now. OP I hope you find out really fast about his testing and get yourself tested. I have read one too many stories on these threads where people have gotten HIV and one woman's friend passed from it. Sad
 Miss W
Joined: 12/4/2006
Msg: 37
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/7/2010 12:15:55 AM
Good gawd...do you need to ask??? One should ask this before sleeping with another. It never ceases to astound me how much common sense is lacking these days.
 MondoVman
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 38
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at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/7/2010 12:33:15 AM
If the sex was incredible, then yes, you should ask as soon as possible. If the sex was only mediocre at best, well, why bother? We all know where the relationship is ultimately headed. (peace)
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 39
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/7/2010 2:35:37 PM

ok, I've got the message, should have asked prior. As, I said, haven't dated in over 25 years. My POF bf and I had been seeing each other for sometime before becoming intimate, so I guess I just figured there wasn't anyone else. I know I'm naieve . I will certainly have that discussion the next time we meet. Thanks for the advice.

Sounds good. Since the "beforehand" ship has sailed, now is fine! This is definitely information to which you are fully entitled, so, nothing to be nervous about. Also, IMO you're more likely than not to find that his thinking is much the same as yours on this. Though "players" are notorious, they are also very much in the minority, especially past around age 40-45 or so, and in places other than Los Angeles.

Hope it goes well!
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 40
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at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/7/2010 2:57:27 PM
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
I say at the point he is reaching to remove your panties. It's a fair question to ask when about to become physically intimate with someone.

Is it ok to ask, I don't want to scare him away.
Always treat yourself as #1; don't do something with someone if you are uncomfortable doing so.

Good luck with this dude!

My POF bf and I had been seeing each other for sometime before becoming intimate, so I guess I just figured there wasn't anyone else.
Never assume exclusivity until you have had "the talk".
 carmensimone
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 41
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/7/2010 5:29:19 PM
Wow this is heavy! I would think you would be a wise woman by now. Why would you sleep with a man after 2 months? He had nothing to work for, did he prove himself at all worthy of your body? This website is full of wolves...all ages lady. Never and I mean Never give your body away so fast!!! You should be telling me this....... I understand your out the loop but morals will stay the same past, and present. If you were feeling horny because it has been 5 years or more...we'll YA KNOW....(do ya thang by ya self) Also always ask the man ahead of time about his sex life. He might be bangin a few ladies on this site... (I'm just sayin) If he runs away from you for wanting to have to sex talk, well then let him run! Tell that fool c/ya don't let the door hit cha where the good lord split cha! And walk away with your head held high your BEAUTIFUL!!!

FYI Bangin is another word for ....gettin yo groove on in the bedroom
 thegirl123
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 42
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 2/15/2010 7:50:59 PM
I will tell you I have been in your situation. So infactuated with this guy that I would do anything in order to not scare him away.

Let me tell you what I have learned in my experience----anyone you are afraid of scaring away is not worth your time. You need to be real with yourself and decide what YOU want. You obviously want a relationship and are hanging on to some guy who is slow to profess that you are his.

Well for guys that are slow to profess their commitment to you-----see you later...because really look at tyourself, have some self respect and dont settle for less then what you actually deserve.
 rockin-trucker82
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 43
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 9/9/2014 10:45:52 AM
It's OK whenever you feel that it's a good time. What is with all these arbitrary rules today?

If you're going to date someone, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with wanting to know if they're dating anyone else at the time. It's actually a good idea so that you can really judge how much emotional investment you're willing to put into it. If the other person is dating 5 other people, you know to go into it with the big chance that they're not ending up with you, so you know to be more careful, while if they're dating only you, you know it's safer to have a little more serious of an approach.
 hemingway114
Joined: 6/16/2014
Msg: 44
at what point is it ok to ask if he is seeing/sleeping with anyone else?
Posted: 9/9/2014 11:34:17 AM
I know it's an old post, but congratulations to the OP being in love.

Waiting six months for sex is not going to do anything - the so-called relationship experts who are giving that advice are pulling it out of their hat. Besides, some religious folks wait for marriage.

What you really want to know is, does he have integrity? People with integrity who are in love are naturally monogamous. And it only takes two months to fall in love. Guys fall a week sooner - guys are easy!
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