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 AUTHOR
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 15
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Manipulative much? She's one of those women that love to play the 'If you don't do this and that for me, it means you don't truly love nor care about me" card.

Very manipulative.
 TallChick61
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 16
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 7:06:41 AM
"In my opinion, for not even trying it just for a few hours or a day, you're a selfish lover. And good for her for not backing down from this."

Some kinds of "selfishness" are good. We all have an obligation to ourselves to know our limits, and behave accordingly.

If the OP believes this situation would cause more pain than joy, he's absolutely right to refuse to take part in it.

Stay strong, OP.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 17
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 7:09:49 AM
I'm amazed that this would be something you had no idea about until you were so involved there was attachment and pain from separation. The people I know into this type of lifestyle aren't that good at hiding it (and usually don't really want to, outside of work and family).

Sounds like a classic case of dealbreaker OP. You ended it already so there's no need to tell you that's what you should do. You'll get past it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 18
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She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 7:28:36 AM
I am one who believes very strongly in using logic, and using it CORRECTLY. Your lady friend is NOT using logic correctly.
All of her reasonings are basically disguised versions of "YOUR sensibilities don't matter. Only mine do." This includes "So, if you dont love this, then you dont love me unconditionally", and all the others you list.
I would suggest you tell her correctly, that because you DO love her, and want for her to have what she wants, that you will LET HER GO, to get it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 23
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 10:24:32 AM
I just thought of something, OP. When you offered to be a slave instead of the other guy - did she say no? Is this about having more than one guy, or more about adding a dynamic to the relationship that works for her?

I'm assuming you offered it to her so that she didn't need a second guy.
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 6/27/2009
Msg: 27
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 11:58:09 AM
OP - the name of this lifestyle is Master/slave (or in this case, Mistress/slave). Is the slave to be a domestic slave, a sex slave or an all-purpose slave to her? Has she previously expressed her need to be Dominant? Was your relationship built around one of you being Dominant, or is this an aspect of her that she didn't pursue within your relationship? Not all M/s relationships are about actual sex; some slaves want to serve in ways that have no sex involved, or to serve in an enforced-chastity situation.

Her attempts to guilt and manipulate you were wrong in any case, but without knowing more about the nature of her proposed relationship with said slave, I can't offer you the comfort and advice that you seek, since I don't wish to jump to conclusions here.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 28
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She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 12:01:57 PM
The best favor you can do yourself is just view it as incompatibility and don't waste your time and energy laying blame and asking why. Doesn't matter if she loved you, if you loved her, if she ever loved you, why she didn't love you enough, yada, yada, she isn't the right woman for you, period. Reasons are immaterial.

You'll be surprised how quickly one can move on if he wishes. Closure is a gift you give yourself by forgiving her, forgiving her, and deciding to move on.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 30
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 12:46:12 PM
compromise, bring a girl with a set of equipment .

Or did you want me to spport the Mr Rogers Neighborhood Idea o sex ?

Into each life one threesome must fall..... why else go to college >?
 aliveone1
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 31
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She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 5:59:20 PM
Wow! Just when I thought I had already heard the worst of the weird relationship stories!....lol! geesh! Yeah, you were definately right to run! What, so did she want him to just hang out in a black leather collar and leash sitting on the floor beside you guys while you ate dinner...throw him some scraps occasionally, then call him in to bed with you two?! What the...?! I can't stop laughing about the imagery....that's just wrong!
 siremike
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 35
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She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 9:44:04 PM
dude it is already happening. she is just telling you about know so she can stop sneaking. she told you that "he ALREADY knows your my one and only" if its not for you them dont sweat it. also if she decided not to right now then sooner or later it will happen anyway becaue it is a fetish to her and like they say if you wont do for your mate then they will find someone who will
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 36
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She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/10/2010 10:10:17 PM
Does not sound like she was the right woman for you. It sucks for awhile, no way getting around that. Hang in there. You *will* survive. Hope the next one works out a lot better for you.
 Thunderstruck29
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 38
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She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/11/2010 6:33:06 AM
I think the term is BDSM or Bondage and Diciscipline/Sado-masochism.

I know how you feel. I was in a relationship once with somebody I loved. Turned out she was a swinger, and I was into monogamy back then (ha hahahahahahaha) and couldn't handle it.

We split of course and as the years went by and I never got into a relationship that meant as much to me again, it dawned on me that maybe I should have just accepted her the way she was instead of hoping-praying-trying to change her.
In time - you guessed it. I wound up becoming a swinger too.

Now, I am not into the BDSM thing, but from what I understand basicaly its not something you do all the time. Often somebody will come on over and put on a slave collar or other item to show their submissiveness to the dominant and do what they want for their erotic wants.
I don't think I ever heard of somebody putting a slave collar on their lady or stud muffin and saying "go wash the car and do the laundry."
But it might go down, I dunno.

All I know is that back in college I used to read those sword and planet "Gor" adventure novels that were all about bondage and discipline. In those days (1980s) they were very controversial because the main female characters were submissives and slaves. Femenists of course hated them.

I thought they were a lot of malarky....
Until I started dating a lot and found out that the majority of women I went out with had strong submissive streaks if not were down right into BDSM.
One lady wanted me to put my hands around her throat when we were intimate. Another liked to be slapped and spat upon, etc...
Problem is I wasn't into any of that stuff. (Still ain't).
My ideal of the perfect woman is somebody I can adore and treat as my equal, not a slave.
 TiffLS
Joined: 10/28/2009
Msg: 39
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/11/2010 6:39:49 AM
So many people in this thread seem to be making a value judgment on what she wants versus what you want, but I don't think that's really the issue. The issue is that what she wants in a relationship and what you want in a relationship are diametrically opposed. Isn't that really all you need to know to understand that you're not right for each other? Does someone have to be "right" and someone else "wrong"? "Incompatible" seems a better word to me.
 beehearnow
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 43
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/12/2010 6:56:25 PM
I think it's why she's been ignoring his phone calls, etc.


In the end, i don't want to break her heart, nor do i want to stay with her anymore. She NEVER calls, i can barely get in touch with her myself... im just getting so sick of the bullshit.


OP, we told you in the last thread to move on if you didn't like what was going on, and we're telling you again...and will keep telling you this if you keep posting about your problems with this woman.

At least you don't need to worry so much about breaking her heart.
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/12/2010 7:08:59 PM
Your "comfort" should be knowing you're out of that disastrous situation. Don't ever try to justify changing your own morals and values for someone else's sake.
 namrael
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 49
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/13/2010 9:23:44 AM
Good for you for knowing your limits, and it sounds like your GF was a bit underhanded in the way she went about this. Any relationship based on that sort of manipulation (not the slave thing, the "If you loved me you'd agree to this" thing) is bound to be unhealthy.

melanie:

(Healthy) relationships are between 2 people. 3 people would mean a minimum of 2 relationships, yours and theirs.


There are plenty of healthy open relationships that involve more than two people. There are plenty of vanilla relationships where one partner has a need for the sort of thing the OP's girlfriend was asking for and the other partner is okay with it, and the dynamic works for them in a healthy way. The problem here is a baseline incompatibility compounded by manipulation on the part of GF who was clearly trying to get her way at the expense of the OP's needs.
 Argentum Crinis Philogus
Joined: 4/3/2007
Msg: 50
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/13/2010 10:21:58 AM

So recently my girlfriend just brought up this idea that she has a hole in her life that can only be filled one way.. and that was allowing someone to be her slave. I know what your thinking, "Thats normal in some relationships." but not in this case.

I want a standard 1x1 relationship that requires no outside people. A standard, casual, old-school relationship. But she wants a 3rd person, preferably a male, do do all her slave bidding. IDK the name of this lifestyle, but i know its not happening.


You did not make clear whether or not having a "slave" involved sexual interaction. Not all BDSM relationships involve sexual interaction. There are those that include sexual play and there are those that only involve bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism activities with no sexual interaction of any type.

It would be helpful if there was clarity around the request made by the girlfriend.

Best,

ACP
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 52
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/14/2010 10:54:06 AM
Dude - remember your other thread complaining about her?
She is self-centered, impatient and just downright lazy
What do you think she is looking for?

As far as your motivations
Its crazy sometimes, when you date a woman who claims that all men are spineless and that finding one that can satisfy her needs or do the right thing would be impossible
What kind of damage do you have that makes you seek the love of a person who is such a poor candidate for a healthy relationship? Standard pop psych would say you didn't get the love you needed from a parent, so are trying to "rewrite the script" by proving you can win the love of a person who continually rejects you. Hello? McFly???
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 53
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/14/2010 10:59:14 AM
~OP~ Being an old man in a young body isn't what's happened with you ~ you just happen to KNOW who you are!! This woman should have stuck to and voiced her own interests in the beginning of ANY relationship. If she is of a "Domme" mindset, she should have been honest/mature enough to make that known very early on. If she somehow changed during this relationship, she should have discussed her changing mindset long before any demands of owning a slave and expecting someone to just let her do whatever she wanted to do. In my mind? She's a wanna be, bored and looking for a toy to play with. You're lucky to be out of the situation as she'll likely NEVER be fully satisfied with anyone. JMO
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 55
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/14/2010 1:37:46 PM

umm ... Never heard of the "S" associated with satanism!

Most people define it as in Wiki:
BDSM is a form of consensual roleplay between two or more individuals, who use their experiences of pain and power to create sexual tension, pleasure, and release. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D, B/D, or BD), dominance and submission (D&s, D/s, or Ds), sadism and masochism (S&M, S/M, or SM)

Also, sexual contact is NOT necessarily the culmination of this type of role play.
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 56
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/14/2010 4:18:35 PM

Also, sexual contact is NOT necessarily the culmination of this type of role play


The majority of BDSM relationships have some degree of sexual interaction.

Otherwise, most men wouldn't ever partake.

You don't really believe that most of these people are closet masochists, do you?

In my experience, there is ALWAYS a sexual nature to these relationships, regardless of what these people say.

I attract submissive women, and whether they have B&D tendencies or not, it's definitely sexual or they'd never seek out a dominant.

Satanism has nothing to do with BDSM. It can be included, but it's not directly affiliated.

As far as these poly-relationships go, they tend not to work for the longterm.

Sign on to one of these fetish sites and watch how much turn-over there is. Half of the people don't last six months, because the relationships deteriorated and thus they dropped off.........looking for another "match".

Swinger relationships that last are like unicorns and bigfoot, they don't exist.......except in fantasy.


 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 57
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/14/2010 4:29:14 PM
The problem is - you are monogamous by nature, and she is trying to force poly on you. It simply won't work. If she would have been straight about it from the get go, you would have been able to make an informed decision about being in a relationship with her. It's completely her screw up for changing the rules on you. She also may not realize, to be a GOOD FemDom it will require time and energy from her also. Male subs and slaves are eager at first but if they are not eventually getting their needs met also they will disappear as quick as they showed up.
 RK831
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 60
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/14/2010 6:33:17 PM
Dude, you need to get laid and get your batteries recharged. I suggest flying to Vegas with a few thousand and spend a week having fun with escorts. If you need the emotional experience, request specifically a RGFE (real girlfriend experience).
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 61
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She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/22/2010 10:48:15 AM
one thing is for sure, she was honest with you, rare..... nowadays,you also have to say she has an imagination.... also rare
as for old school, what do you meen about that, two people that hate each other more and more until they cant take each others company
she sounds like she was way more developed than you as far as being intelligent goes, not to mention much more creative sexually
sounds like you are on a one way street to the mundane
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 63
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History
She wants this lifestyle, but i cant handle it...
Posted: 2/23/2010 6:52:22 AM
had one steady girl in high school, and only 3 long term relationships,the first one ended in marriage, she was a wonderfully sexual woman, i blew it, because she wanted a child, i have some regrets, i only hope you wont
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