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 carmensimone
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 4
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
How do yo know he's a really nice guy? You've only been out with him 4 times...slow down girl.

I laugh so hard when I see women type "he's a really nice guy" and they hardly know the man.

 carmensimone
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 6
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/13/2010 7:14:25 AM
Ok Luiza ,
I wish you the best with this guy.
Just take it easy, be careful, and really get to know this NEW nice guy that has entered your life.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 7
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History
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/13/2010 8:40:38 AM
Keep it focused on right now is my cheap advise.

When your thoughts go to 'what will this mean in the future' or 'how will this play out?'
- just say "I'll find that out in the fullness of time, no way to know it now" and let it go.

Sounds like you're occupying yourself with fear and if you're occupied with the future it is impossible to be really present to right now. The only thing to know is your feelings will evolve over time - they will either deepen and you'll naturally become more connected or they will dissipate and you'll naturally drift apart. No amount of worrying or anticipating or attempting to direct them will actually work, so don't waste your time or energy attempting to control the outcome.

There IS no security... it will either work out, or not. Just enjoy the discovery of another person you'll know where you are in the fullness of time.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 8
The Perfect 50-Year-Old Guy…
Posted: 2/13/2010 8:51:39 AM
Taking it one day at a time and one thing at a time is very sound advice IMO... however, I can't help but wonder what the substance of this conversation was, that it's sticking with you so persistently, and the two of you have both felt the need to have it twice. Maybe you're not overreacting.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 9
The Perfect 50-Year-Old Guy…
Posted: 2/13/2010 9:10:48 AM

How do yo know he's a really nice guy? You've only been out with him 4 times...slow down girl.


I agree. He could end up being someone completely different in the long run.

Uhm...my advice would be to stop letting past, bad, relationships get in the way of what could possibly be a good thing.

Use precaution and be careful not to jump the gun.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 10
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/13/2010 11:00:58 AM

A conversation we had earlier this week and again today has been playing over and over in my mind. I know in the last 18 months I tend to have sabotaged potential relationships, basically because I was so deeply hurt from my last ltr.


You undoubtedly have become skilled at taking a compliment...and turning it into an insult.

A set of innocent behaviors...and turned them into suspicious actions.

In the extreme...every guy that puts Tabasco on his eggs is a no good, rotten, cheating SOB just like that guy that hurt you.

If that's the case...you need more help than we can offer you here.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 12
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:36:02 PM
Based on what I quoted from your OP...that you admit to sabotaging relationships over the passed 18 months due to a guy hurting you...and that you are re-analyzing a couple of conversations from what you admit is a "nice guy"...that maybe you are seeking the negatives.


Wow... that is extreme


I agree. It was simply an over exaggerated example for self reflection. That perhaps you are "seeking" similarities which also goes along with your admission of sabotaging relationships.

You saw everything about my post in a negative way. I think this was brought up in my original reply. Maybe it was tough love and not what you wished to hear. When in fact...it was simply a message of moving on...letting go of the past...and not punish yourself or prospective SO's with the fallout of one bad apple.

Sorry you saw criticism and insult in my post.

Perhaps...in my first post...or in your current or future relationships...you will take your microscope out...and seek the good intentions.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 13
The Perfect 50-Year-Old Guy…
Posted: 2/13/2010 12:52:18 PM
I'm still wondering what the conversation was about.


It's possible the specifics won't be useful in considering the matter, but there's no way to tell if so or not without having at least a vague idea what they are.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 15
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 10:47:14 AM
Yeah - stay in the moment. Pay attention. Don't jump ahead, don't jump to conclusions.

Do you have good level-headed friends you can talk to? Talk to them.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 16
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 3:41:13 PM

You don't know if a man is really nice after 4 dates.




EVERY guy know what women seek in a man. Every guy.

What do you think a "player" is. It is a guy that can be "that guy" (in character) long enough to achieve his objective.

You can spot some of them...all of the time. But you cannot spot all of them...all of the time.

It is by faith and by time and actions that you find out which are genuine. Same holds true for the ladies. Everyone puts their best foot forward in the beginning. It's only after time and the challenges in relationships that people show their true colors.

That's why you limit your "investment" based on your experiences with that particular interest and not gauge them based on past one's.
 carmensimone
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 17
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 4:49:54 PM
@ revilors...

Thank you!

Women don't get it do they? I SEE why men play women..it's far to easy. When I come along with A voice of reason, good intent, trying to help, they disregard it. Men know how easy it is to play these women, that's why they do it. Are women ever going to wise up?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 19
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 6:03:38 PM

I still feel like running even at the thought that someone feels like I am worth it.

Your words, why did you write them, I don't think it was a slip of the keyboard. Most people would say that they run when they start feeling something for the other person, you instead want to run when you begin to believe that someone cares about you, because he could possibly not be honest, with you or himself?

But it really boils down to whether YOU think you are worth it.

It might also be helpful if you explained the conversation you are turning over and over in your head, because it could either be a good thing or bad and we have no clue what you are talking about.
 carmensimone
Joined: 6/24/2009
Msg: 21
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 6:55:37 PM
Is there anything in your childhood that would also make you feel this way about yourself?

How did you grow up, mom and dad..just mom...just dad...if you care to share. There's always something more to these type of situations...what is the true root of these feelings Luiza
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 23
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 7:28:44 PM
Take him to bed and find out if it is all one side or another......that after getting him tested, talking to him about being exclusive, and what he wants from you and a relationship.

Life is to short to think, think, think, all the time and second guess yourself and all those you date. Just do it and find out if waking up to him is as much fun as going to bed with him.....

Good luck.

cd.............
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 24
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 7:35:58 PM
If you felt that you had poor judgment getting into or not getting out of the last relationship sooner, perhaps you haven't forgiven yourself because I think when we believe we deserve to be happy, that good things should happen to us, letting someone in isn't all that difficult.

If he's a good guy and you start spazzing, just tell him, I'm feeling that urge to put on my running shoes.

Maybe it's time to talk to your friend about this issue specifically. It's a good thing that you know you do it and want to change but sometimes moving from the thought to the action is hard.
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 25
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 7:45:38 PM

Women don't get it do they? I SEE why men play women..it's far to easy. When I come along with A voice of reason, good intent, trying to help, they disregard it. Men know how easy it is to play these women, that's why they do it. Are women ever going to wise up?


I wouldn't limit this to women...nor would I limit it to romance. Don't think I am over cynical either.

Women and men have to be responsible for....and own their own feelings. I've said this before. We wouldn't hand our car keys over to someone we've met four times. Yet...we hand over (too much sometimes) our hearts to someone we don't really know.

On the opposite side of the spectrum...and because we we're not responsible custodians of our feelings and end up hurt...we become overly hesitant in doing the same...next time around.

I guess the point is...is what many have said...don't jump in with both feet. Don't offer what you can't afford to lose. But most of all...research your investments carefully....'cause it really is on you.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 26
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 7:47:16 PM
I don't have too much advice to give but just wanted to comment. I liked the title of the thread. lol I have met the perfect 50 year old guy also, well perfect for me and it took me quite awhile to relax and allow myself to be happy. I was worried I would lose him over something silly or he would disappear like the last guy I dated. He told me he was lucky to have found me but I couldn't believe him. We decided to say we are both lucky to have found each other after previous relationships that didn't work out. When I had doubts he would just reassure me he wasn't going anywhere. I still get a little worried at times then he tells me he isn't going to end our good thing over some thing that is small in the big picture. We can talk over problems and compromise. Something neither of us could do with our exes. We have had disagreements but in the approximately 10 months together never yelled at one another. We both wanted to wait to have sex and develop the friendship first. It is still hard to believe I have such a wonderful man in my life and I hope you found one too.

IMO, 4 dates is enough time to know if you want to get to know some one better but still don't rush things too fast either. Even though I wasn't dating others and was pretty sure neither was he I waited a few months to ask if we were exclusive. In the beginning it turned out both of us were scared of saying or doing the wrong thing but we didn't let the other know it. My only advice is just enjoy spending time with this man and don't think too far ahead yet.



Yet...we hand over (too much sometimes) our hearts to someone we don't really know.

On the opposite side of the spectrum...and because we were not responsible custodians of our feelings and end up hurt...we become overly hesitant in doing the same...next time around.

I guess the point is...is what many have said...don't jump in with both feet. Don't offer what you can't afford to lose.



Also I love the quote on your profile, I have that posted on a site of mine as well. It's true we shouldn't be afraid to say how we feel if he cares about you he will understand.


"Be who you are and say what you feel because those
who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 29
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/15/2010 8:19:14 PM


IMO, You need to learn how to "forgive".
Forgivness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.



Don't agree with this response. Sorry...

I don't want to change the past, everything that has happened in the past makes me a better person today.


Not quite sure I'm understanding you Opie.

In your OP you infer you are having potential issues with a "nice guy"...possibly because you "were hurt so deeply" in your last ltr. That "happened in the past" and I'm guessing you're not better off because of it.

In fact...I'm thinking if you were...there'd be no thread.

Still waiting on the jist of these two conversations. It might help us understand why we're not getting it.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 30
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/15/2010 10:37:45 PM
Good luck to you OP, and congrats...you are a very beautiful woman and deserve the happiness you desire in your life.

I think at times when we are out of a bad relationship we shut down...look at what happened with the other guys as a way that your mind was trying on the concept of being with someone again...instead it said Im not ready and you bolted...cause you werent ready...now you have found someone that has clicked enough to make you WANT to try and move past the emotional roadblock you have created for yourself..."your wall"...you built it and when you find the person you want...you will take it down...

I had something happen last August, I met a man on here that totally spun me around...I wasnt ready for the impact he had on me and when things didnt work out I blamed myself for a long long time. When I was thinking about this I realized how from the start he had the same thing going on that you did. As an example, the next day after we talked on the phone he told me how great the distance was between us...at the time i was a bit miffed cause the distance didnt matter the night before when he called me. That was the first clue and then in the following days I kept seeing a trend where he was looking for things that were wrong. So when you find yourself looking for things that are wrong ...vs things that are right then realize that you arent ready. I think the fact you started this thread is an indication of how much you want this to work. I realize now he also wasnt in the right place in his life and was looking for a way out...it hurts when that happens...when something feels so right and then its gone...but atleast you are on the right track now to realize that happens with you and taking the right steps to prevent it from happening again.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 33
The Perfect 50-Year-Old Guy…
Posted: 2/18/2010 3:27:47 PM

The conversation was a generic one along the lines that I don't think I am good at relationships, that I run often, and him asking was I over my ex... We even discussed a recent ex that he had where he felt he could relate to how I felt... Him being so understanding prompted me to write for advice... I felt he was worth trying to change my sabotaging behaviors for.

Okay, this is definitely relevant, because having this conversation - more than once, yet - is itself sabotaging by telling him, in effect, that he can't count on you.

How you can keep yourself from running away, beats me; but you can definitely refrain from pushing him away, at least in part, by refraining from tearing down in pieces what isn't even built yet. If you feel a strong need to talk about this same thing again, go to a third party! Someone you know in person.

As for how to refrain from engaging in other sabotaging behaviors besides this one, there again I feel that specifics are needed. The ways you can distract yourself from such impulses are as varied as the behaviors themselves.

I'm not sure how useful any advice you can get here can ultimately be, though. Because the thing is, you can't change for him. It's really true that that doesn't work. IMO, you'll at some point stop doing this kind of thing quite naturally - when you're ready for a serious involvement again.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 35
The Perfect 50-Year-Old Guy…
Posted: 2/19/2010 1:51:42 PM
^^ Awesome! Maybe you're ready now... hey, it happens when it happens!

Hope this keeps going well for you.
 Thunderstruck29
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 36
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/25/2010 8:24:56 AM
I agree with what the blonde lady said. You can't tell diddly after four dates.....

Last year, I started dating a woman I had met a year earlier. We seemed compatible, but her job and my job didn't allow us to meet up becuase of scheduling conflicts.
I ran into her awhile back and we hooked up after she split with the guy she was dating.
I thought things were going great for the first few dates....

But the more I learned the more scared I became.
This woman was a total Flake-Ola.

She was obsessed with my looks (or lack of them) and constantly harped about the good looking Gomer Ple clone who had dumped her prior to me. Thats' right. A woman who met me in the bookstore obsessed over a guy who was functionally illiterate! And she couldnt' figure out why that relationship didn't work! LOL...
Then she just decided to quit her job because she didn't like to drive to work. Then, she reveals that she likes alcohol and recreational drugs. And of course, you know she didn't have money for smokes...or groceries...yatta, yatta, yatta.
By the time the whole thing fell apart, I was sorta grateful to the gods it was over as she was an emotional and financial strain by that point.
But oh, those first four dates seemed wonderful!

LOL...
Just date this guy for awhile lady. Don't put the applecart before the horse. If things work out, then you can start plotting and scheming a permanant relationship.
 skymaninnc
Joined: 7/26/2009
Msg: 37
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/26/2010 11:24:38 AM
People come in and out of our lives for a reason. Maybe the reason this gentleman came into your life was because he really is a good person, you find him attractive and he treats you well. Maybe now after previous disasters you are ready for a good guy. I think we should all come into a new relationship without holding the other person responsible for the sins of a previous love. My theory has always been to give the person the benefit of the doubt until they have proven through actions that they are not the person I want to be with.

He sounds like a person worth getting to know!

Good Luck!
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 38
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/26/2010 1:06:56 PM
Just take it one day at a time, luzah!
 SHAGGY OLD DOG
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 40
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/27/2010 10:08:41 AM
I can only draw from the advice of Bob Newhart as he played a psychologist in a scit on TV.

Dr. Bob would ask his patients what their problems were and after their lengthy replies he would yell at them VERY loudly. "WELL STOP IT! What are you, some kinda nut"?

I hope this helps you and others. JUST STOP IT! :-)
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