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Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 24
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
If you felt that you had poor judgment getting into or not getting out of the last relationship sooner, perhaps you haven't forgiven yourself because I think when we believe we deserve to be happy, that good things should happen to us, letting someone in isn't all that difficult.

If he's a good guy and you start spazzing, just tell him, I'm feeling that urge to put on my running shoes.

Maybe it's time to talk to your friend about this issue specifically. It's a good thing that you know you do it and want to change but sometimes moving from the thought to the action is hard.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 25
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 7:45:38 PM

Women don't get it do they? I SEE why men play's far to easy. When I come along with A voice of reason, good intent, trying to help, they disregard it. Men know how easy it is to play these women, that's why they do it. Are women ever going to wise up?

I wouldn't limit this to women...nor would I limit it to romance. Don't think I am over cynical either.

Women and men have to be responsible for....and own their own feelings. I've said this before. We wouldn't hand our car keys over to someone we've met four times. Yet...we hand over (too much sometimes) our hearts to someone we don't really know.

On the opposite side of the spectrum...and because we we're not responsible custodians of our feelings and end up hurt...we become overly hesitant in doing the time around.

I guess the point what many have said...don't jump in with both feet. Don't offer what you can't afford to lose. But most of all...research your investments carefully....'cause it really is on you.
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 26
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/14/2010 7:47:16 PM
I don't have too much advice to give but just wanted to comment. I liked the title of the thread. lol I have met the perfect 50 year old guy also, well perfect for me and it took me quite awhile to relax and allow myself to be happy. I was worried I would lose him over something silly or he would disappear like the last guy I dated. He told me he was lucky to have found me but I couldn't believe him. We decided to say we are both lucky to have found each other after previous relationships that didn't work out. When I had doubts he would just reassure me he wasn't going anywhere. I still get a little worried at times then he tells me he isn't going to end our good thing over some thing that is small in the big picture. We can talk over problems and compromise. Something neither of us could do with our exes. We have had disagreements but in the approximately 10 months together never yelled at one another. We both wanted to wait to have sex and develop the friendship first. It is still hard to believe I have such a wonderful man in my life and I hope you found one too.

IMO, 4 dates is enough time to know if you want to get to know some one better but still don't rush things too fast either. Even though I wasn't dating others and was pretty sure neither was he I waited a few months to ask if we were exclusive. In the beginning it turned out both of us were scared of saying or doing the wrong thing but we didn't let the other know it. My only advice is just enjoy spending time with this man and don't think too far ahead yet.

Yet...we hand over (too much sometimes) our hearts to someone we don't really know.

On the opposite side of the spectrum...and because we were not responsible custodians of our feelings and end up hurt...we become overly hesitant in doing the time around.

I guess the point what many have said...don't jump in with both feet. Don't offer what you can't afford to lose.

Also I love the quote on your profile, I have that posted on a site of mine as well. It's true we shouldn't be afraid to say how we feel if he cares about you he will understand.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those
who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 29
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/15/2010 8:19:14 PM

IMO, You need to learn how to "forgive".
Forgivness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.

Don't agree with this response. Sorry...

I don't want to change the past, everything that has happened in the past makes me a better person today.

Not quite sure I'm understanding you Opie.

In your OP you infer you are having potential issues with a "nice guy"...possibly because you "were hurt so deeply" in your last ltr. That "happened in the past" and I'm guessing you're not better off because of it.

In fact...I'm thinking if you were...there'd be no thread.

Still waiting on the jist of these two conversations. It might help us understand why we're not getting it.
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 30
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/15/2010 10:37:45 PM
Good luck to you OP, and are a very beautiful woman and deserve the happiness you desire in your life.

I think at times when we are out of a bad relationship we shut down...look at what happened with the other guys as a way that your mind was trying on the concept of being with someone again...instead it said Im not ready and you bolted...cause you werent you have found someone that has clicked enough to make you WANT to try and move past the emotional roadblock you have created for yourself..."your wall" built it and when you find the person you will take it down...

I had something happen last August, I met a man on here that totally spun me around...I wasnt ready for the impact he had on me and when things didnt work out I blamed myself for a long long time. When I was thinking about this I realized how from the start he had the same thing going on that you did. As an example, the next day after we talked on the phone he told me how great the distance was between the time i was a bit miffed cause the distance didnt matter the night before when he called me. That was the first clue and then in the following days I kept seeing a trend where he was looking for things that were wrong. So when you find yourself looking for things that are wrong ...vs things that are right then realize that you arent ready. I think the fact you started this thread is an indication of how much you want this to work. I realize now he also wasnt in the right place in his life and was looking for a way hurts when that happens...when something feels so right and then its gone...but atleast you are on the right track now to realize that happens with you and taking the right steps to prevent it from happening again.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 33
The Perfect 50-Year-Old Guy…
Posted: 2/18/2010 3:27:47 PM

The conversation was a generic one along the lines that I don't think I am good at relationships, that I run often, and him asking was I over my ex... We even discussed a recent ex that he had where he felt he could relate to how I felt... Him being so understanding prompted me to write for advice... I felt he was worth trying to change my sabotaging behaviors for.

Okay, this is definitely relevant, because having this conversation - more than once, yet - is itself sabotaging by telling him, in effect, that he can't count on you.

How you can keep yourself from running away, beats me; but you can definitely refrain from pushing him away, at least in part, by refraining from tearing down in pieces what isn't even built yet. If you feel a strong need to talk about this same thing again, go to a third party! Someone you know in person.

As for how to refrain from engaging in other sabotaging behaviors besides this one, there again I feel that specifics are needed. The ways you can distract yourself from such impulses are as varied as the behaviors themselves.

I'm not sure how useful any advice you can get here can ultimately be, though. Because the thing is, you can't change for him. It's really true that that doesn't work. IMO, you'll at some point stop doing this kind of thing quite naturally - when you're ready for a serious involvement again.
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 35
The Perfect 50-Year-Old Guy…
Posted: 2/19/2010 1:51:42 PM
^^ Awesome! Maybe you're ready now... hey, it happens when it happens!

Hope this keeps going well for you.
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 36
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/25/2010 8:24:56 AM
I agree with what the blonde lady said. You can't tell diddly after four dates.....

Last year, I started dating a woman I had met a year earlier. We seemed compatible, but her job and my job didn't allow us to meet up becuase of scheduling conflicts.
I ran into her awhile back and we hooked up after she split with the guy she was dating.
I thought things were going great for the first few dates....

But the more I learned the more scared I became.
This woman was a total Flake-Ola.

She was obsessed with my looks (or lack of them) and constantly harped about the good looking Gomer Ple clone who had dumped her prior to me. Thats' right. A woman who met me in the bookstore obsessed over a guy who was functionally illiterate! And she couldnt' figure out why that relationship didn't work! LOL...
Then she just decided to quit her job because she didn't like to drive to work. Then, she reveals that she likes alcohol and recreational drugs. And of course, you know she didn't have money for smokes...or groceries...yatta, yatta, yatta.
By the time the whole thing fell apart, I was sorta grateful to the gods it was over as she was an emotional and financial strain by that point.
But oh, those first four dates seemed wonderful!

Just date this guy for awhile lady. Don't put the applecart before the horse. If things work out, then you can start plotting and scheming a permanant relationship.
Joined: 7/26/2009
Msg: 37
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/26/2010 11:24:38 AM
People come in and out of our lives for a reason. Maybe the reason this gentleman came into your life was because he really is a good person, you find him attractive and he treats you well. Maybe now after previous disasters you are ready for a good guy. I think we should all come into a new relationship without holding the other person responsible for the sins of a previous love. My theory has always been to give the person the benefit of the doubt until they have proven through actions that they are not the person I want to be with.

He sounds like a person worth getting to know!

Good Luck!
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 38
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The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/26/2010 1:06:56 PM
Just take it one day at a time, luzah!
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 40
The Perfect 50 year Old Guy…
Posted: 2/27/2010 10:08:41 AM
I can only draw from the advice of Bob Newhart as he played a psychologist in a scit on TV.

Dr. Bob would ask his patients what their problems were and after their lengthy replies he would yell at them VERY loudly. "WELL STOP IT! What are you, some kinda nut"?

I hope this helps you and others. JUST STOP IT! :-)
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