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 climbsagain
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 11
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
The idea of refelection is a good idea if the refelection leads to positve change in a persons life. We reflect upon our lives for many different reasons. It does not seem to strange to reflect upon ones situation if they are not attracting the person they want to attract. This is not about changing for the sake of changing, rather this about changing to improve ones life.
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 12
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 2/14/2010 10:03:21 PM

how do you first determine what you need to change and then how do you go about swapping those traits for new ones?
It sounds like the general feedback is "Whaaaaaattttt??? I'm supposed to change?" OK, maybe a bit of hyperbole, but not far from the truth.

We're learning and evolving our entire lives. You don't have to give up anything, but you do have to learn what's important to you and why...then make rational decisions as to how important those things are to you and what you're willing to do to have them.

But like anything else, it starts in the human will...the inherent desire to want to make changes in your life. With that, you may need a plan, an understanding of what you need to do and how to repetitively apply it. I never thought of it like swapping out traits, but rather developing new ones and letting them come to the fore-front.

If it was easy to make these changes, everybody would do it. Keep plugging.
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 14
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 2/15/2010 12:57:41 PM
If you're not totally brain dead you're aware of it.

If you're asking if most people know that they're aware of it and do they know that they are making decisions all the time...nahhhh, don't think so. In fact, I think when most people start interacting with someone who is able to coordinate those observations with true perception, they think the person is doing something underhanded or sneaky.

But the truth is, people are constantly decisioning and the feeling they get from body language is far strong from words alone. How many of us have been told "Yes" while the body language is saying "No"? That's what provides the uncertainty as to what is going on and why. When the body language, the action, the words and the history are all in sync, trust and communication can flourish. If the body language is negative, pretty much everything else massively suffers...90% is a good number.

 Ailinn
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 15
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If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 2/15/2010 10:15:07 PM
Okay, I'll be honest-- I am a NEWBIE .
Going back to my first message/post , perhaps I should have use the word "deserving" instead of "entitled".
So my statement would have been something like this,,,
However, we are "deserving " of happiness we just have to work to make that happen.
So I see we are talking about body language now.
First I need to clarify what type of relationships we are talking about. Friends? Romantic ? a boss at work, ???
The initial TOPIC seemed to be referencing a" Romantic attraction/non-attraction".
If this is the case ---I still believe the person needs to let go of the desire to change "who their are" in order to impress/attract someone who is not interested.
Now if we are talking about someone who tends to repel (for lack of better word) other people in general, it might be a good idea to take a class in communication or read up on it.
What did you mean by ,,,,
"someone who is able to coordinate those observations with true perception, they think the person is doing something underhanded or sneaky.?
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 17
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 2/16/2010 7:00:55 AM

...when most people start interacting with someone who is able to coordinate those observations with true perception, they think the person is doing something underhanded or sneaky.

Observations are the simply the human act of seeing an action such as someone turning in their seat, looking away, feigning interest as their eyes glaze over...not making anything of it, in fact maybe not even noticing.

Perceptions are more about linking these observations to an action...such as somebody constantly averting their eyes when they're supposedely telling the truth, someone agreeing with you verbally but sitting with arms crossed and never completely taking your side, etc..

Sciences such as NLP (Nuero Linguisting Programming) specialize in coaching people how to look for things in broad topic areas such as Eye Accessing Cues, Body Language and Deception Detection. Unfortunately, for those who've taken the time to learn how to become more perceptive...to become BETTER LISTENERS to this flood of information that people are constantly transmitting non-verbally...many others consider it sneaky or underhanded.

Case In Point...I was on a first date a few years ago...very nice woman, very attractive, well spoken and had a significant honesty and ethics based job with our state government. Small talk chit-chat was fine, but there were many times her "stories" didn't add up, and the NLP feedback I was getting (averted / lowered eyes while telling certain parts of the stories) and the fact that these aversions always happened when discussing timelines started to make me wonder...so I started doing the calendar math in my head. Within about 5 minutes and with 1-2 more questions I figured out she was lying about her age by at lease 5 years. When I asked her about it she was shocked...she'd dated over 20 guys...some for months, and no one had ever caught her in that lie before...and I did it 45 minutes into a first date. It wasn't about hardcore interrogatories, it was about listening with all my senses, processing, extrapolating and thinking...not just being giggly/scared/nervous and accepting whatever line of BS someone wants to throw out there.

She thought it was sneaky/underhanded that I possessed those skills. I thought it was a shame that an attractive, intelligent, (apparently) ethical and engaging person would feel the need to lie. She was your classic "beauty is youth" person and even though she was just 53 at the time, she felt that 48 would get her more dates.

We use these senses every day in business and in our personal lives...why wouldn't we try to hone them to a fine edge for dating?
 ~~Jackie~~
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 18
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 2/16/2010 8:41:33 AM

She thought it was sneaky/underhanded that I possessed those skills.

There is nothing sneaky/underhanded about paying attention to people’s words, actions or body language!

I am very much a "people watcher" (even when I am not personally interacting with them). I'm amazed at how much people complain about being totally "fooled" by someone after getting involved with them. Most of the time, those signs are there from the very beginning if they would just pay attention!

Yes, there are some people that can fool you for a limited amount of time. But as time goes on- they present more and more of who they really are. It's just plain stupid to ignore someone’s words and body language!
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 19
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 2/16/2010 9:09:49 AM
I agree, Jackie~...but that is why we have such problems in society...and dating is simply included in that total. We have way too many people that think it's OK to lie. So if it's OK to lie by 5 years, it must be OK to eliminate negative facts from the stories...when do the deceptions conclude?

It's not about trapping a would be suitor/partner...it's about applying all of the same relationship skills you use everyday. Trust first, but trust with integrity. Accept what you are told AS IT FITS into everything else you know and are being told. When the chinks in the armor start to appear, have enough confidence in yourself to ask the tough questions of yourself...and possibly the other person if appropriate. And by all means...if you start to feel negative, as if the vibes aren't right...you've already got enough doubt that it's time to pull back.........waaaaaaaayyyyy too many people (mostly women) simply think "trying harder" will get that over that hurdle. Uh-huh, that's called giving someone else ownership over you...unless you're a sub, it's a risky venture.

It's amazing what lack of self-confidence will dish up to you in the dating realm.

 ~~Jackie~~
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 20
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 2/16/2010 10:12:07 AM
I look for the good in people, but don't ignore the signs of what I would consider a "red flag" (at least for me).

Honesty is something that is very important to me. When I realize that someone is throwing in lies about something that isn't important, it's impossible for me to accept anything they say as absolute truth. Once that distrust sets in, it's over.
 Ailinn
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 21
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IFor me, this whole thing boils down to one thing. Something that I am doing has caused me to invari
Posted: 2/16/2010 11:54:14 AM
Heck most of us are like that!!!! If we weren't there would be no POF and there would be no "relationship endings"
Just be thankful you know when to "fold em". Some people stay in unhealthy relationships because they feel it's more difficult to get out. Or they just put up with the crap.
I like to look at it as:
"My journey to becoming the best I can be-- and the time will come when I met the person who is right for me". Just made that up.

On to the observation/perception CONCEPT::::
In other words some people aren't very good liars and some people have better listening skills than others. Like the person who discovered she was lying about her age. Oh yea!!!! do the math!!!!
Just curious,,,how did you know she fool several other individuals??

What about those pathological liars Some are just wired that way!!
 Ailinn
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 22
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IFor me, this whole thing boils down to one thing. Something that I am doing has caused me to invari
Posted: 2/16/2010 12:12:05 PM
DARN!!!!! I have to learn how to get my messages in sooner.
my last post was suppose to go in right under the 10:12:07 AM post!

PS I'm glad you figured that out
 Husker Freak
Joined: 5/3/2009
Msg: 25
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IFor me, this whole thing boils down to one thing. Something that I am doing has caused me to invari
Posted: 2/19/2010 8:37:26 PM
I feel you should not have to change yourself. Do you really want to be outside of your comfort zone?
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 26
IFor me, this whole thing boils down to one thing. Something that I am doing has caused me to invari
Posted: 2/19/2010 9:07:18 PM
Husker~...that's what life is all about...growing...expanding your horizons...trying new things.

Every moment in life is about CHOICE. Each opportunity you are presented allows you to be fully in control of your day, each moment and how much pleasure or joy you take away from it. There's not a good nor valid reason not to be content, smiling and happy with yourself, your world and your place within it each and every day of your life.

So you stay in your comfort zone...and hope the right girl finds you there.

From my experience...dating is much more fun when you focus on fun...trying new things...having NEW SHARED experiences to talk about. And...oddly enough, I enjoy the company of a woman who has similar interests. So to me, that means expanding my comfort zone...and you wanna know something funny...I LIKE having a much bigger comfort zone.

 Ailinn
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 27
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that's what life is all about...growing...expanding your horizons...trying new things.
Posted: 2/23/2010 7:38:53 PM
Yes I agree. We have to grow and expand or we end up getting stuck in the Muck.

As far as the original idea do we need to change in order to attract those who are not attracted to us?
How important is it???
Do I need to change in order to be hired for a job or maintain a job??
Strong likelihood I will make some changes.
Do I need to change in order to keep friends who are important to me? Probably!!
Do I need to change to get that guy I'm attracted to who finds me unattractive?
Why on Gods earth would I want to?

Always examine your motives!!!!!!

Be true to yourself !! as you are the only one (besides your God) who will never leave you!!!!
 Singlemale1962
Joined: 9/21/2006
Msg: 28
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 2/27/2010 7:36:19 PM
Self improvement is always the best road to follow. Because being yourself and having others find you attractive while your being yourself is much better than pretending your something your not.
 ~~Jackie~~
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 30
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 2/28/2010 5:31:53 AM

What are your thoughts on appearance and attracting the one you want?

I have always dressed for "me". If someone is put off by the way I dress, I could care less. I'm the one that looks at myself in the mirror every morning, and I have to be satisfied with what I see. I'm not a t-shirt person, so unless I'm doing housework you will never see me wearing one. And I don't go out in public without makeup. That's the way I've always been, and I always will be. But-- it's for me, not to attract the attention of anyone.

The same for hair style. I wore mine very long until 1 - 1/2 years ago when I was the one that decided I was ready to cut it. So, Sharon-- don't cut your hair because someone else thinks you should. If you aren't happy with the way you look (including your hair), it won't matter what any one else thinks- you still won't be happy with it!
 SearchingGal
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 32
IFor me, this whole thing boils down to one thing. Something that I am doing has caused me to invari
Posted: 2/28/2010 5:19:35 PM
If I have to change for any man, he is not worth my efforts. If I change because I feel I want to that is another story, in other words, no man is worth changing for! Besides, sure you can change for how long can you act the new part? Be yourself and be true to yourself, someone don't like you for who you are THEN MOVE ON!
 SearchingGal
Joined: 8/26/2009
Msg: 33
IFor me, this whole thing boils down to one thing. Something that I am doing has caused me to invari
Posted: 2/28/2010 5:20:15 PM
Your so right, how long can you keep the act going?
 e*Musing
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 34
IFor me, this whole thing boils down to one thing. Something that I am doing has caused me to invari
Posted: 2/28/2010 9:00:10 PM
Arrrrrrgggghhhhh...I hate when a reasonable thread starts to seem like a polarized piece of prattle.

Here's the thing...and here's what bums me about where your thread is going.
...The same frickin' people who will tell you not to change are the ones who tell you to try new things and grow.

This is never about changing for someone else...it's about changing to be the person you project yourself to be. It's about trying to be the best person you can be.
"Become the person you want...TO BE FOUND".
Be the best person YOU you can be...love comes from sharing happiness...if you are happy with who you are, keep doing what you are doing...if there is something you desire in your life, you can either hope it comes to you...or you can keep improving who you are in life...even if the only role model you can respect is the dream of who you want you to be.

 climbsagain
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 35
IFor me, this whole thing boils down to one thing. Something that I am doing has caused me to invari
Posted: 3/1/2010 4:01:30 AM
I sense there are folks that feel changing the way they live their life and how they go about the world is wrong. "Change is bad", the motto that I hear." I won't change for her , him because I am perfect the way I am", is the other motto. So be it, but think about all the wonders of life you will never know because you insist on living with your eyes shut to anything you can't or won't listen to or observe .
 ~~Jackie~~
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 36
IFor me, this whole thing boils down to one thing. Something that I am doing has caused me to invari
Posted: 3/1/2010 4:54:59 AM
I thought we were talking about cutting Sharon's hair...

People should always be looking to improve them self. But... they should do it because they want that improvement in their life. Changes that you make for someone else are temporary at best.

The notion that you should cut your hair in order to attract someone that has never even seen how you look- on the off chance that this person you have never met might prefer women with shorter hair is just the silliest thing I've ever heard!
 climbsagain
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 40
If you are not attracting those you are attracted to, how can you change?
Posted: 3/1/2010 5:31:07 PM
People might be able to fake it for awhile, but the truth always comes out, especially in the pressure cooker of a relationship.


If the relatuionship is like a pressure cooker perhaps change is exactly what you need. Not suyre what your trying to say. I know I have yet to know this pressure cooker situation you speak of?
 Ailinn
Joined: 1/19/2010
Msg: 42
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...The same frickin' people who will tell you not to change are the ones who tell you to try new thi
Posted: 3/2/2010 8:10:01 PM
Speaking of change.....what about that PROFILE FORUM ???
I tell ya,,,,, people are brutal on there.
Perfect example of people wanting to"change " .
Hoping to
How do you get a Profile Thread deleted anyway???

Are you really going to cut your hair????????????
That's going a little too far!!!!!!!
 climbsagain
Joined: 1/20/2008
Msg: 43
If you are not attracting those you are attracted to, how can you change?
Posted: 3/3/2010 3:47:20 AM
^^^^^^ Why else would anyone ever go through that? The driving force of love and sex is the answer.


Funny all I read about is how people are looking to find friendship and companionship in a lasting caring relationship with lots of communication . No, that must of been a different forum? Come to think of it, it was a different state.
 ~~Jackie~~
Joined: 11/15/2009
Msg: 44
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 3/3/2010 11:57:05 AM

I was told recently that I'm too old for long hair as well as my hair covers my energy, and I should go with a look that matches my personality in order to "get" a man.

What about the reverse? If you are in a relationship and the time comes that you decide to cut your hair-- the man you are involved with likes 'long hair'. Does that mean you can never cut your hair??

When I decided I was ready to cut my hair, I had 28" taken off (and continue to keep it trimmed so that it doesn't get that long again). That would be quite upsetting for someone who has a really defined/strong attraction to long hair! How I wear my hair is something that is so personal to me, it really isn't something I would even consider discussing with them before the fact... color, length, style is totally the choice of the person that is wearing it. They would show up for a date and that would be the 1st they even knew I had changed it.

The same goes with the way a person dresses, or how a woman does (or doesn't) wear makeup. Their own personal "style" is part of their personality.
 YourCuteGuy1
Joined: 5/14/2007
Msg: 48
If you are not attracting those who you are attracted to, how do you change?
Posted: 3/8/2010 3:52:36 PM
I think some are getting the wrong idea about change. No one is suggesting that anyone should change at all or for anyone else. You don't have to change your looks, your weight, your financial status, your friends, or even what you like to do. I don't think anyone is saying that.

But what I am saying, and I think others are also suggesting is that if...

~you are finding that those who you are attracted to are not attracted to you back~

Then you cannot force those people to like you.

You cannot ask them to change their standards, or change themselves.

You have no control over them, how they think, who they choose, or what they do.

~But you do have control over yourself.~

So you have a few choices...

Keep doing what you've always done and expect the same results.

Make changes in your self or lifestyle. Yes, weight can be an issue depending on who you are attracted to, and so can your hair, or your height. And some of these things you can improve on, or just change.

Or don't improve or change. Certainly don't change yourself to make others happy if it makes you unhappy, or somehow feel like it's just not you.

And of course these things are not an issue for everyone. So not every guy will have issues with how much a girl weighs just as not every girl will have an issue with how tall a guy is.

But don't be a hypocrite about it. It's perfect if you meet someone who you think is too short and he thinks your too fat. You can both equally walk away knowing there was no attraction right? Or will you somehow, in the back of your mind, find him shallow for seeing your weight as an issue. And will he still see you as being shallow for your finding his shortness to be an issue? Or can you both accept that there are simply things that some people will be attracted to or not attracted to?

Personally, I'm attracted to laugh lines. But I'm not attracted to heavy hips. Are you gonna dog me for being shallow? Fine, then I'm shallow.

But I'm not going to sit around and whine about why so and so, and so and so, and so and so aren't getting butterflies in my presence. If I really want them so bad, then it's up to me to find out what it is about me that is so unnattractive. And if I find it's worth changing within myself, then I will. But if it's not worth the change, then I need to change who it is I'm looking for.

This really is not so hard to understand. But what is hard to accept is that some people just are going to find you are not good enough for them. Just like you are not going to find some people good enough for you. And that is what it comes down to.

Feel lucky that you are overweight rather than too short. At least you can manage your weight... if you want to.

But don't be upset if an avid runner doesn't care to give you the time of day if you are an avid couch potato. And if that example doesn't work for you or make sense, then I will find one that works for you personally. You probably wouldn't like that if I did.

Was it Dale Carnegie that said if you want something then you should emulate those who have what you want? You want to be successful in business, then you have to find successful business people and emulate them. But hey if that causes you to change and make you no longer feel like you, then maybe you should forget about being successful in business.
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