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 AUTHOR
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 11
Constantly Haunted By ExPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
More and more threads about dealing with the ex.
Seriously. If your s/o has kids with his ex, then more than likely, they will keep in touch for that reason only. Or perhaps this is one of the many situations where he isn't over his ex.

A bunch of strangers over a public forum can only give advice. In the end, it is up to you to make the final decision.

If you want to continue a relationship with your current beau, yet he still insist on keeping in touch with his ex knowing that it bothers you like something awful, perhaps you should walk out.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 12
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/17/2010 9:13:25 AM
Did they have children that needed his support? I knew some people remain friends with the ex but have you known why he is still very much involved with his ex to the point of helping to pay her debts and getting in touch behind your back?

If this is the case I guess every time he swears to God that he loves you and your son is only to convince himself that he does when in truth he's not yet moving on. I was wondering why did they break up in the first place? Tell him to go back with his ex if it seems that they can't live without each other. Good luck.
 majyk1
Joined: 4/26/2009
Msg: 13
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/17/2010 9:15:59 AM
{'Great idea about the background check'}

This will NOT help with YOUR trust issue! And you certainly cant tell if he's still in contact with his X with that.

You are just finding a way to evade the real problem.

Good luck, your going to need it because it sounds like you'll stay with him and then you will just be another woman on the forums whining about how mistreated you were.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 16
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History
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/17/2010 9:31:54 AM
Your profile says you have no children yet your post says you have a son, so already I'm seeing inconsistencies from your side. You show his side to be dishonest also. Sounds like buying a house together or dating each other seriously is huge mistake for both of you.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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History
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/17/2010 9:55:27 AM
Well, Nina, I'm going to give you something to think about rather than taking the tack that the guy is just an irredeemable problem.

I don't know what the deal is between the boyfriend and the ex but I know what it is like to have a friend, when there is nothing more than friendship and have someone tripping because you used to be with them. When you brought up your concerns you put him in the position of either nixing the relationship entirely or sneaking around to talk to her.

As far as the financial stuff, he volunteered this information. So, he is either on the up and up about what he is doing or he is stupid, because he could have done this without your ever knowing unless you are going through his financials. If he is legally obligated hellooo, unless he is giving her money to pay something that is not his responsibility he is doing something that would allow you to start your new life together without any financial crap coming to bite you on the butt. Seems to me you are less worried about the 14K than you are that he might be doing something to help his ex. It's his money, it really isn't your business what he chooses to do with it.

Um, here's an idea, have you asked to meet the ex? You may have reason to worry, it may be your intuition telling you that you should but if you actually met the woman and spent some time around her you might find out that your concerns are not founded. Many people do split, they grow apart, or find that they aren't suited as a romantic couple but the person is a good person and a good friend. Which one you are dealing with, idk, if I was the ex, I would have asked to meet you to allay your fears.

So have you even met this chick?


He swears up and down that he no longer communicates with her, etc.

Hon, you took the choice away from him when you said you were walking unless he stopped talking to his ex. He should have had the stones to tell you that he rethought his position and because she is a friend and he doesn't lose friends at the whim of someone else, he couldn't live up to what you wanted. Now he IS being a douche because he is obviously lying about it.

I was married briefly in my early 20s. We didn't hate each other, we were young and it just didn't work out. Occasionally he would call me when he knew I would know the answer to something because of one of my jobs, occasionally to see how I was. My 2nd husband was a jealous maniac. I was so honest initially that I would tell him if I had gotten a call and then would be blind-sided with accusations a month or more later when at that point I didn't know what the heck he was talking about. I learned pretty quickly to keep my mouth shut. My normal level of honesty wasn't worth fighting for God knows how long about nothing but a phone call.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 19
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/17/2010 9:56:19 AM

They broke up because she cheated on him with a married man. She also
broke up a marriage and kicked my boyfriend out. Yet...he claims
they are friends. hahahaha

I do know that at one point, before I came into the picture, my boyfriend
tried to get her back. According to him, she stated she didn't love
him anymore but only after she strung him along for awhile.


I don't know how long it has been since they broke up before you became a couple BUT for a man who had been cheated on and was told that he was no longer loved AND YET was ready to forgive and to take her back is a man who will have a hard time moving into a new relationship within a short period. Hence, remaining in contact with his ex is subconsciously wishing to get her back. I could be mistaken but you seemed to be his rebound girl, someone to show the world esp. to his ex that he is not miserable. Good luck.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 20
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History
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/17/2010 10:02:48 AM
OP indicated they have been apart 3 years, part of the problem is that she doesn't trust him not to want the woman back. It IS possible for people to recognize that they shouldn't be with someone and wouldn't go back. Whether this describes him or not, maybe he doesn't even know.
 I-am-Rei
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 23
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/17/2010 10:23:37 AM

OP indicated they have been apart 3 years, part of the problem is that she doesn't trust him not to want the woman back. It IS possible for people to recognize that they shouldn't be with someone and wouldn't go back. Whether this describes him or not, maybe he doesn't even know.


Maybe he knew he shouldn't go back with the ex but his attitude before toward his ex showed strong feelings that should be taken into considerations because it only shows that the ex has control over him. I don't know, maybe it's just me but if I cheated on my partner I will be ashamed to face him much more to ask a favor for myself or stay in contact. I'm not discounting the trust issues but just looking at the big picture to know why the present situation is happening.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 31
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History
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/18/2010 7:25:07 AM
Nina, in light of your responses I would neither marry this guy or co-mingle finances.

If you want to play house then I suggest either allowing him to move in to your home and have a formal rental agreement in place in which he writes you a RENT check monthly (so he can never claim common law status) or rent a place together in which you alone can afford the payments. Because I would bet that he is not responcible with money if he has financial issues going back years with an Ex, and you may get stuck with it all.
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 32
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/18/2010 7:33:33 AM
incredible how some people open their inner sancturum to people they do not even trust to begin with....and then complain that person did something wrong to them.
(without mentioning that they put ALL the blames on the other person, when in fact the primary fault is theirs!)

Blows my mind every time

It's like am carelessly playing with dynamite, and then sue the company who mad it because it blows in my face!! Dhu!



 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 34
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/18/2010 7:40:48 AM
Hey! dont call me "dude", I never slept with you nor am your schoolyard buddie.
since you have no instruction (graduating means education, not instruction), wise up.

capish?

And yes, as the other lady mentioned, interesting that your profile said before NO kids, then you post about your son, the lady point it out, and suddenly your change your profile.

:troll for attention.

 stone-1
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 36
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History
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/18/2010 8:01:06 AM

I did speak with my boyfriend informing him that his relationship with his ex made me uncomfortable and if this was how my future was going to be with him, I did not want any part of it.

'nuff said...

Did you mean what you said?

If so... you knew what you needed to do a long time ago....

It's up to you... Do you honestly expect anything to change?
 Handsomelaughs
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 39
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/22/2010 7:26:17 AM
Nina- I hate to say this, but I'm sure deep down you know what to do. His heart is not fully with you. He has not, and is probably never going to get over the ex. If he has to be in touch with her, that's a major problem. He CAN NOT let go! If he is doing it behind your back, he knows it's wrong. I'm quite certain that you love him, which makes what you clearly have to do that much more difficult. You can't give your heart to someone and not be given his back. Please don't put yourself through this anymore. Trust me from my own experience........the problem will not go away. And yes, it's a MAJOR PROBLEM!

Good luck Nina!

Tom
 Handsomelaughs
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 41
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/22/2010 7:46:39 AM
Thanks for the response Nina. Keep us all informed on how this is going. You are number one! Remember that.

Tom
 cuban delite
Joined: 4/29/2009
Msg: 45
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/22/2010 11:02:20 AM
It is my belief that if relationship dont end really badly...whats the harm in staying in contact....relationships change,they dont end....
How do you erase 8 years of his life to suit your new life together??
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 51
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/23/2010 8:48:46 AM
Congratulations on the new job!

It occurs to me that it's possible he is finally done with her and the money he plans to take out of his 401K is intended to be a final pay-off which will end all practical ties between them. That may be what he means by saying that this is for your future with him. I see no reason not to ask if that's the case. If he wants to marry you, this is information to which you are entitled.

I agree with not moving forward right at this point, and with investigating further, but I'm not sure I'd outright can him either. Yes, he's given you plenty of real reason for doubting him, but it's also progressed to be less and less as time went on. It seems only fair to take that into consideration, too. And if your son's attached to him, that's another reason to take a really, really good look before you leap out of this.

You may well find that your gut has been correct. However, IMO if you do find that there really is no reason not to trust him now, and that is also a possibility, you will, over time, be able to get over his past mistakes in handling this.
 oneofthesedays11
Joined: 1/15/2009
Msg: 53
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History
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/23/2010 9:42:31 AM
He is keeping a relationship with someone else despite your wishes and that he obviously should have cut the ties. He is not truthful and is actually cheating on you. My advise; wake up and follow your gut feeling. You know what to do.
 Handsomelaughs
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 58
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/23/2010 12:10:13 PM
Nina- Congratulations on the job! It's no accident. It is God working in you and for you.

Think about this quote:

The moment there is suspicion about a person's motives, everything he does becomes tainted.

Just think about what you want to do before you commit.

Tom
 aliveone1
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 61
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Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/23/2010 3:43:17 PM
I know that pretty often, I have ideas out of the mainstream, but I just don't see why it bothers you! I don't think it is right for you to expect him to cut someone out of his life entirely that means so much to him. I think this has more to do with your own insecurities than anything that he is doing. It is definately possible to remain friends with an ex and have it be only that. The financial obligation could logically be based on a promise to her that happened during their relationship, which he never followed through on. By his now taking care of it, in his mind he is ending an obligation to her. I can totally see how he thinks that he is doing this for YOUR relationship.

But, this is your relationship, not mine. If you can't get past it, and you will never truly trust him, then I guess you will need to leave him. I can't imagine what un-needed stress you are creating for yourself!

And didn't your opening post say that he offered to stop communication with his ex, but that you did not tell him that you would like him to ,so he continued? He's not a mind reader! Forgive this statement if in fact you have been very clear with him. I still don't think that is a very nice or reasonable request though!
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 80
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/25/2010 7:48:24 AM
Nina, is it possible in practical terms for you to simply take a break from this? Go away by yourself for a long weekend? I think a few days apart might give you some breathing room to calm down so you can assess things more objectively.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 82
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Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 2/25/2010 9:03:58 AM

You are right, my son and he are VERY tight but ya know...whether this ends today or some other time, I know with all my heart that he will stay in touch with my son. He has stated numerous times that he loves my son and do understand that my son loves him therefore, if we do part for good, I will never stand in the way of their relationship.
If you allow this, then you will be putting your next b/f into the same situation YOU are now in.. That being: You keeping in touch with an ex. Will you sever your son and your ex's relationship because of someone new being insecure about you keeping in touch with him because he needs to go through you, in order to see your son?

After reading the entire thread, I see a man who has done everything, including agreeing to counciling to try and ease your mind about what you're feeling insecure and "abused" about. A man who was given an ultimatum and chose you, but refused the ultimatum anyway. Not too many people swallow ultamatums willingly/happily. Negotiation, compromise and conflict resolution that results in both people being able to live with the outcome of the negotiation seem to work well though.

He can't do anything more to reassure you and, as such I think you should let him go and suffer the pain of leaving someone you still love. Mis-trust, and the inability to feel secure after many attempts to make you feel otherwise have been unsuccessful.

.. And.. inspite of what many say, there really are'nt all that many people out there that we connect with in all the ways that are conductive to a long term relationship type bond. All I suggest is if this is your only issue, and the relationship is otherwise compatible, loving and mate-worthy.. then before walking away ~ why wouldn't you get that counciling first? It would help you with any control/jealousy/inscurity issues and it would help him closing a chapter in his life. (if he hasn't already closed it ~ which he says he has) .. n'est-ce pas?
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 90
view profile
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Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 3/1/2010 10:13:15 AM
Good luck from me as well.. I'm glad to hear you resolved this through open and honest communication. Personally, I'm quite tired of hearing so many people tell people looking for relationship advice to "kick him/her to the curb" when there's not even good reason to do so.. There's not enough advice given to try and come to compromise and/or conflict resolution .. Good for you ..

Best
~Wishes~ :0)
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 91
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 3/1/2010 10:17:03 AM

I have to know I have his loyalty and after our heart-to-heart talk yesterday, I honestly feel an anvil has been lifted off my shoulders. I also feel more at peace now in letting this go.

Excellent - glad to see this! Best wishes with all yet to come.
 Wishes Granted
Joined: 3/6/2008
Msg: 99
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Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 3/2/2010 2:21:56 PM

he was a smart perceptive man and if he saw something in their character that i wasn't aware of, so be it. no problem with any other guys besides those 2. after we broke up this gentleman set me up financially, it was totally unexpected. goes to show you, respecting boundaries and not needing to be self-serving = making someone feel loved and cared for and grateful.
I am one that believes that when a new partner is expecting you to give up a totally platonic and 'good friends' type relationship it is about control over their partner. Having "set you up financially" was also about control. You are now forever beholding to him in some manner. ..and.. I suspect, should he have the whim to want you in his life in the future he will expect you to remain in his life no matter what any new beau has to say about the matter.

The question is: Should it arise, how will you handle that situation now that you are beholding to him? Simply saying you don't feel you're beholding or, that you would dismiss him if a new partner wanted you to doesn't cut it. Truth is, you don't know what you'd do until you actually have to make a decision.
 lulugotsmile
Joined: 2/22/2010
Msg: 101
Constantly Haunted By Ex
Posted: 3/2/2010 7:52:05 PM
I will try to solve this problem from the statistic point of view and hope it will help you out!
so there will be 4 possible outcomes considering the issue between you and your boyfriend:

1. he is good and you stayed with him
2. he is bad and you left him
3. he is bad but you stayed with him
4. he is good but you left him

statements 1 and 2 are the conditions when you make right choices
and statements 3 and 4 are the condisions when you make bad choices.

let`s hope that you can make right choices. but unfortunetly if you make bad choices, among 3 and 4 these two bad choices, "he is bad but you stayed with him" is worse than "he is good buy you left him". because you can always find someone better, but if you stuck with a not good guy, what you ruined is your whole life.

once again, no one can make the decision for you, you have to be the one evaluate every factor and make the final decision. wish you luck!
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