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 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 72
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At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
"Women date to get something out of the guy"

I recently had a guy my age (nothing wrong with him) who was trying to hit on me ask "So tell me what are you looking for in a guy?" We had had a nice converstation, so I asked "Can I be honest with you" to which he said "yes". My answer was "I am not looking for anything in a guy". I have no interest in co habitating, so there is nothing I want. We can go out, have fun, and all is good. Just do have any ideas about me being a mate, or wanting you for my mate.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 73
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:59:34 PM

because women in my experience, and apparently in my area, do not want that. They want the young studs, and personal experience has proved that to me.
Women date to get something out of the guy...again, from my experience.


Obviously, the women you have described are not the women for you and you would not have anything in common with them. NOT all women are like that.

I am 51 so I am out of the radar for many men my age, as they are looking for women 30 to 45. I am okay with that, because I know I wouldn't connect with someone immature enough to want such a younger person. Who I concentrate on are the guys my own age who are interested and open to a relationship with someone their own age (my age). Yes, it makes my dating pool smaller, but at the same time eliminates those I wouldn't have much in common with anyway. My dating pool gets smaller with my other criteria... I need someone healthy, active, and who loves to travel. I personally would not date anyone less than 5-6 years younger than me, so I don't need a young stud... I am sure I am not the only female who feels this way.

Facal hollis... I don't think you should give up as you seem to have a lot to offer. Just be positive and happy, and hopefully the right person will come into your life... A good woman will be attracted to a happy, confident, kind, honest man........... Really... they are...
 urw66
Joined: 12/12/2009
Msg: 75
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 2/25/2010 11:08:58 AM
I am 44 and haven't gone out much since my divorces. I have just came out of a 4 year relationship and my sister n law said "Don't date, just be friends". She is, of course, married to my brother with 2 children. Hasn't been alone since college in 1981. She hasn't a clue.

I like the ideas of enjoying the company I am keeping. No stress involved, no expectations, etc. Maybe that is what she's talking about. I am just not sure after all these years if I could live with someone else or visa versa. If I start thinking about what lies ahead, that will screw everything up. Dang! My sister n law was right!

I am glad I had this talk.

Oh and that whole off the wall questioning you do, I think it may be nerves or just it's too quiet and you are the one talking and have no idea what he's interested in cause he won't talk...maybe. Good luck.
 el lagarto
Joined: 4/29/2009
Msg: 76
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 2/25/2010 6:19:16 PM
I find that initially I date to have a good time , without trying to anticipate how it will go. But sometimes , during that (hopefully) good time , if things are going exceptionally well , I might find myself musing about what COULD be - IF this person and I got along well enough to last for awhile - or maybe even for the long haul ...

Then I'd be off of here for sure !

If I don't find a mate it's ok. But if I did - t'would be very ok !!
 SHERRYSUSAN
Joined: 9/15/2008
Msg: 77
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 2/28/2010 4:12:44 PM
HELLO , IM SHERRY. AS I WAS READING FORUMS IT WAS FUNNY TO READ THE LAST PART OF YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT THE REMOTES, THATS A KEEPER. HOPE YOU HAVE THE WONDERFUL RD TRIP YOU ARE GOING ON AND WHEN YOU RETURN HOPEFULLY YOU WILL FIND THAT SPECIAL PERSON. SHERRY
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 83
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At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 3/7/2010 5:44:22 PM
Well at our age I'd hope that we date to find people who's company we enjoy, get some sparks flyin' and maybe get out of the singles scene after a while.

But it takes time to get to know someone and figure out just how far we want to go with them. There's probably a number of "No"s before you get to a "Yes". But you might make some friend along the way.

The shelves at the Mate store are pretty small so you have to keep waiting for the stock to rotate until you can get your hands on what you want, or shop in catalogs like POF and hope they deliver.
 Hands of gold
Joined: 11/12/2008
Msg: 85
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At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 3/7/2010 6:49:28 PM
There is nothing wrong with dating for the pure enjoyment of it, but I am sure it would ring hollow after a while.

We need someone who captures our imagination, who we think about as we fall asleep and get excited when we see their email in our inbox. That is what i am after and if it is in a long term or short term relationship, I don't care. At our age we have to live richly and be part of things we enjoy, or why bother.

By the way OP. You are gorgeous. I don't think you have to settle when it comes to men. Be patient and pick the best one.
 Debb45
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 86
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 3/13/2010 6:51:05 PM
Thanks You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no one wants to date just to date if you are in you 40 or older you have had enough first dates or next dates . Most of my friends and clients are in this group and like me we don't need any more experience. I know I don't.
 CynthiaSMW
Joined: 9/20/2010
Msg: 87
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/13/2010 11:53:04 PM

ForRumOnly Msg 31 - Neither, and both, OP.

You pose extremes, and neither extreme applied to me (past tense, as no longer seeking). I dated for the pleasure of dating, but was always on the lookout for someone who would inspire lasting love. I would neither probingly grill and drill, nor be so offhand as to indicate no interest in the person I was dating - I was always very interested in them, regardless of where it might lead. Eventually I did find lasting love, and the quest was thoroughly enjoyable.



packagedeal Msg 76 - I would suspect for most people it is a bit of both, from the standpoint that if you want a long-term relationship, seeing someone that you know that will never happen seems a waste of time. Conversely, someone told me a while back that if you focus too much on the future you do not really enjoy what is right there in front of you, so I evaluate somewhat relative to the potential for a future and try to enjoy spending the time with the person.

Color me a hopeless romantic in a sense because while I am in no hurry to find someone that I could spend the rest of my life with, I still look at those old couples that you know have been together 50-60+ years, and I want to be them someday. Those that are there while they are both declining, helping each other, offering comfort in their unavoidable suffering relative to the advance of time.


After my divorce I went through a couple years where I was ‘just dating’ – to have fun and figure out who I was after being married my entire adult life. But, I liked being married and want to, eventually, marry again. The last couple years I’ve been looking for the last love of my life, I have not been dating to make more ‘friends’. I’ve wanted to find out quickly if they were opposed to marriage because if they were then there would be no reason to proceed. That didn’t mean I was picking out china and just looking for someone (anyone) to shoehorn into a predefined fantasy role. It meant I was determining whether we should each move on to meet others with life goals more in synch with our own or continue to get to know each other better.

I agree with ForRumOnly, OP poses dating extremes that didn’t apply to me (or the men I met) – first meets and early dating were neither interrogations, nor bizarre off-the-wall questions (even if they were off-the-wall situations). They were attempts to be as natural as possible (given the circumstances) to see how we ‘fit’.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 88
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At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/14/2010 7:57:54 PM
^^^^I don't know why in he!! anyone would date just to do it. I think the only point of it is to meet someone you really go for, and vice versa.
 damassteel
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 89
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At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/15/2010 11:28:44 AM
At this point in time I am definitely not looking to "just date". Before my present GF, I was looking for someone to be with long term. I've met enough women casually to last a lifetime...no need to go there anymore.
At my age I'm hoping long term means "for the duration". We'll just see from here,how it all goes.
 Welsh474
Joined: 9/13/2010
Msg: 90
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/15/2010 12:10:50 PM
^^^I feel the same. I've done enough dating, having someone for the rest of my life is what I'd like. I'm fine and more than happy with the single life but I'd much prefer to have a partner.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 91
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/15/2010 3:11:16 PM
I'm looking to date for the free meals. I thought most women
were here for that reason? That's what I've heard anyways.
And most men are here for sex, but only after the third date.
There are rules yanno! Fishes should post them so we don't
become confused!
 blueyesrsmiling
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 92
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/15/2010 4:19:12 PM
I no longer put a lot of thought into it. If I date and like someone maybe it will or maybe it won't work into something. I enjoy each person I have met. And if that special someone comes along to grab my heart then I will be dating to mate. Got close once or twice but it didn't work out. I have learned to take one day at a time and just enjoy it. When it happens it will happen I don't need to malnipulate or search. I am just staying in the moment and enjoying it.
 frienddougie
Joined: 10/10/2010
Msg: 93
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/15/2010 7:07:59 PM

There are rules yanno!


But what good are rules when most women change the rules to suit themselves and don't mention those changes to all participants in the game?

Is there also a three meal minimum price before sex?
 CynthiaSMW
Joined: 9/20/2010
Msg: 94
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/15/2010 8:29:10 PM
reilloc88 msg 102

Unless you're British or Australian and use "mate" in a sense that differs from it's definition in a male/female context, our mating days are over. Unless we're crazy and want to procreate. Again. That would be nuts.

Huh? Mate is both a verb and a noun. Merriam-webster.com defines as a ‘pair’. Doesn't require procreation.


What's this topic about anyway?


It's something we know about each other and about ourselves and it's something we both know we're each feeling.

You know what it is. You've read about it in books and seen it in the movies. Maybe you're lucky enough to have been in a there like there but awake, feeling and knowing and knowing what the other's feeling.

There. That's what I want on a first date.

I won't go unless I think there's at least a chance it'll happen and you shouldn't go either.

That’s what this thread is about. Some of us want that and we want it for the rest of our lives, not just the first date.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 95
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At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/15/2010 10:54:25 PM

I'm looking to date for the free meals. I thought most women
were here for that reason?


I don't know about most women, and I don't know about here. But I know that's true in some cases, because I've had the bad luck to run into a couple of them. It was obvious, looking back at it, that's mostly what they were after. That taught me to be a little more careful about always being the perfect gentleman. There is such a thing as casting pearls before swine, and some women don't deserve the gentleman treatment.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 96
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At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/15/2010 11:17:38 PM

Some of us want that and we want it for the rest of our lives, not just the first date.


Having done quite a bit of internet dating, I think the odds of having it lead to that are pretty slim. What spoils things is that these sites have so many flakes of one type or another that interacting with them has made almost everyone else wary. And that wariness tends to make people jumpy.

At the least sign of a defect in another person--or even in anticipation of finding one--they tend to bail out. As a result, it's hard to spend enough time with someone to get to know them very well. It feeds on itself, too--the longer the odds of connecting seem, the more people you need to date. And the less time you can afford to invest in any one of them. Which makes the odds seem even longer, and so ad infinitum.

Women often talk about getting explicit pictures, crude propositions, etc. from undesirable men. Well, men have women lie to them and try to use them, too, and it often seems to be about getting money. Not very flattering.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 97
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/16/2010 7:51:08 AM

But what good are rules when most women change the rules to suit themselves and don't mention those changes to all participants in the game?

Is there also a three meal minimum price before sex?


I was joking of course.
Were you?
If you were, I'm wicked funnier.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 98
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/16/2010 7:57:21 AM

At the least sign of a defect in another person--or even in anticipation of finding one--they tend to bail out. As a result, it's hard to spend enough time with someone to get to know them very well. It feeds on itself, too--the longer the odds of connecting seem, the more people you need to date. And the less time you can afford to invest in any one of them. Which makes the odds seem even longer, and so ad infinitum


Every person out there has to ask themselves what do they contribute to a relationship. If they have a flaw or a 'defect' in their personality or character that becomes an issue time and again, that's something they should address before they ask someone else to accept it. It's really easy to say " accept me with my flaws and all" but why should they? The most common request in most profiles has to be "want someone to complement my life, not complicate it".

I agree that it is hard to spend enough time with someone to get to 'know' them, simply because everyone's definition and time line of 'getting to know' someone is different.
For some it means getting to know someone's personality and character before getting intimate and for others it's determining sexual compatibility before they care about the character; obviously polar opposites.

The smart person will realize that if they find someone of quality they'll take the time to move at the slower one's pace. Quality has to be the objective not quantity of people.

When I meet someone they can quickly determine that their life will be enhanced and bettered with me in it. I need the same confidence in them. It has to be a mutually satisfying relationship.

When I meet someone that is just into dating constantly, doing the numbers game, I leave them to their games, because they're the ones whose feelings have been encased by a shell, otherwise it would be impossible to superficially go from person to person.
 Pilose_Wink
Joined: 11/2/2010
Msg: 99
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/16/2010 8:04:08 AM

But what good are rules when most women change the rules to suit themselves and don't mention those changes to all participants in the game?


Stop playing by rules and waiting for others to explain the game to you and you won’t have to worry about whose playing what.



Is there also a three meal minimum price before sex?


Only if that’s what you’re looking for. If you have something between your ears and a personality, it only takes one meal at the most. If you’re busy counting meals, you’ve already lost the game you perceive being played.
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 100
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At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/16/2010 8:41:14 AM

It's really easy to say " accept me with my flaws and all" but why should they?


I suppose that depends on what the flaws are, and how many of them a person has. Whoever insists on perfection is never going to find anybody. That seems pretty extreme and unreasonable--particularly if the demanding person has many worse flaws than the people they're rejecting.


When I meet someone that is just into dating constantly, doing the numbers game, I leave them to their games, because they're the ones whose feelings have been encased by a shell, otherwise it would be impossible to superficially go from person to person.


I think that's a pretty big assumption. When the odds of meeting people you like are slim, it means dating quite a few of them. Most of the encounters aren't very rewarding--and in greater L.A., they often involve several hours of preparation and driving. There's only so much time and money anyone can invest, and you can't turn each first meeting--or even first date--into an all-day event.

I don't know how it's being "superficial" to "go from person to person" when first meetings don't work out. Maybe you haven't run into some of the whack jobs I have. If a woman ran into a series of flakes and head cases and gropers on first meetings--as so many women here have talked about--would rejecting those guys each time and going on to the next one prove she was a superficial game player whose feelings were encased in a shell?
 nativerock
Joined: 10/16/2010
Msg: 101
At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/16/2010 9:16:38 AM

If a woman ran into a series of flakes and head cases and gropers on first meetings--as so many women here have talked about--would rejecting those guys each time and going on to the next one prove she was a superficial game player whose feelings were encased in a shell?


Proves she has a very strong constitution while others might well take a long hiatus from dating..

nativerock
 WaywardWynde
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 102
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At Our Age Do You Date to Date or Find a Mate?
Posted: 11/16/2010 9:57:43 AM
Not all that long ago, the word "dating" meant a couple who were seeing each other, and sleeping with each other, and doing things together, said couple perhaps moving towards a long term committment, i.e., "mating" or perhaps not.

Today, "dating" means meals in table cloth restaurants, while "mating" means male/female companionship, typically under one roof. The word "mating" today is just slightly more than the word "dating" meant 20 some years ago.

Some people want to "date", others want to "mate," as the terms are used today. Occasionally, there are people who haven't yet found out the words are used differently today than they were in their later youth. But they figure it out after a bit.

There has been a sea-state change in that men way back when in their early to late youth who CRAVED what is now called "dating" are now much, much more inclined to be involved in what is now called "mating'. Some would say that is good, some would say that is bad. But the change is notable and permanent. Having tasted the sweet fruit of involved partnership, "sowing wild oats" is no longer of interest. Besides, after a few thousand table-cloth restaurant meals, the "newness" of the experience has long ago worn off.
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