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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > How important is "Fitting"?      Home login  
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 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 26
How important is Fitting?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

A few of you have made comments that you aren't close to your own families and therefore "fitting" isn't important to you, but in fact stating that tells me that perhaps the right "fit" for you wouldn't be someone who is. Would you want to be with someone who is more"family" oriented? That's where "fit" comes into play, one way or the other . "Fitting" can have a different and personal definition for each person.

I'm one of those people. I'm not close to my family and my son, my only child died, so I'm very much on my own ~ except for several dear friends (who live in various states), one cousin, and one Auntie. And yes, I've known forever (even before I lost my son) that the person in my life MUST understand me and the circumstances of my life and he must also relate. I don't want to be thrust into someone's "family" ~ I'm NOT step-mother material, nor will I ever be a Grandmother, so? The man for me would very likely be in a similar situation. The best fit for me would be someone who is not linked to extended family, most likely never married, no children, doesn't want children, etc., etc. So yes ~ the FIT is extremely important and personal to me. JMO
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 27
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/19/2010 5:16:50 PM
A good fit is very good fitting indeed!
The folks who find family,relatives,friends, important to them,who come from a foundation that was on good ground or at least tried, is important. And they believe there are more then one person in their life besides themselves!
These survivor types who live their life with many of the foundation spokes missing from the wheel and rim, are not for me or their philosophy.
 StevieCashmere
Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 28
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How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/20/2010 12:13:54 AM
If people place "fitting2 , i.e. being accepted into society's stereotypes so they can have a relationship, then let them compromise themselves and think that constiutes happines...

~sc~
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 29
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/20/2010 4:01:30 AM

I do not expect unanimous or enthusiastic approval, especially from my children who would perceive some of their inheritance disappearing.


Don't understand that comment. Maybe you need to let them know what you plan on giving them irrespective if you are coupled or not.. Nothing wrong with dishing it out while you are still alive and able to see it is going to the right parties either..

I do not see how this would have any effect on if the new shoe fits or not?

thecatsmeoww
 el lagarto
Joined: 4/29/2009
Msg: 30
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/20/2010 8:03:06 AM
The only "fit" I'm concerned with , is if our basic lifestyles mesh somewhat . Outlooks on life and our place in it , and health and regular activity a priority .

I stopped worrying about what friends or family think long ago . Though certainly it's nice to be able to bring it all together .

I've also learned that it's not as important if someone likes every single thing you like to do , as long as there's enough together time to satisfy both sides.

But I will admit - it's more complicated now , with most everyone already having their own established lives - homes, jobs, roots in an area etc.
 el lagarto
Joined: 4/29/2009
Msg: 31
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/20/2010 8:03:23 AM
The only "fit" I'm concerned with , is if our basic lifestyles mesh somewhat . Outlooks on life and our place in it , and health and regular activity a priority .

I stopped worrying about what friends or family think long ago . Though certainly it's nice to be able to bring it all together .

I've also learned that it's not as important if someone likes every single thing you like to do , as long as there's enough together time to satisfy both sides.

But I will admit - it's more complicated now , with most everyone already having their own established lives - homes, jobs, roots in an area etc.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 32
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How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/20/2010 1:05:59 PM
I must be lucky. So far, I haven't found myself particularly attracted to anyone who would have trouble fitting in with me or my family. Either my family is really tolerant, or my libido is thoroughly integrated with the rest of me, or I just think too much.
This is really another question along the lines of "What would you do for love?" or "How much would you be willing to [try] to change to be with someone different from you?" My experience and observations have made me fairly conservative about the answers to such questions. I've only seen really wild pairings work long term on TV and in movies. I've never seen anyone succeed at fundamentally changing into a different person.
I'd shave, though!
 WeAre1
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 33
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How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/20/2010 4:13:10 PM
Fitting in is important to me, having been in the situation when my children were much younger where they were not happy with my relationship choice, creating a serious conflict in me and not something I would wish to go through again....yes, I stopped seeing the person in order to respect my childrens' (and my own) needs, since my family unit with my children was more important to me.

But fitting into my family - my parents, brothers, and all the branches stemming from there.....I believe it is the ability of the family (and friends) to love unconditionally that would create a 'fitting in' or not.

So, personally, my family is quite unconventional and extremely accepting, so any love we see happening with each other is honoured and blessed, in a way, and seems to create more love.....

So I really think, ultimately, it depends on the family.
 VacationGuy234
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 34
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/20/2010 4:51:24 PM
She has to fit into my life but not so much my families lives. However, she and I need to respect each others' greater circle and not cause problems.

I dated a lot of women and, believe me, their families were not The Waltons but we always got along and, short of anyone in her family harassing her, that's the most important thing.
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 35
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/21/2010 7:51:59 AM

So, personally, my family is quite unconventional and extremely accepting, so any love we see happening with each other is honored and blessed, in a way, and seems to create more love.....


Very nicely said. And whether you fly by the seat of your pants or as birds of a feather, fly
with those who like their life's be lived and nourish as you. There are those who are introvert,extrovert, hermits,loners,outgoing,ingoing and all the above. lol

imo, finding your bird and soar together with dreams you both can cherish and love.

I find this very fitting in a healthy relationship you can respect and trust.
 Smarts and Heart
Joined: 12/15/2009
Msg: 36
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/21/2010 9:08:16 AM
Lil Brooker....beautifully said!


It would be a pretty solitary relationship, if my love didn't "fit" with my friends and family, both of which are important to me. For how long could you manage if your mate was not accepted at family or social functions? I couldn't imagine having a life partner that could only interact with me and no one else I knew and loved.


My thoughts exactly!
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 37
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How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/21/2010 9:30:03 PM
I think the only people this is not a problem for are those that don't spend a lot of time with their friends and family. A modicum of tolerance I think is necessary but seriously, why would anyone want to spend their life or however long the relationship lasts with someone that their loved ones do not want to be around? They either invite you to things as a couple and tolerate his/her presence or they don't extend any but the necessary holiday invites.

Now, if family or friend disliked an SO for no good reason, he treated me well, was good to my kids, etc. then I would have to evaluate the friends and decide whether I was willing to give that up for family that isn't potentially going to be there to help if I need it.

At the same token, if people basically like the SO but your brothers, for example, aren't lining up to spark up a friendship outside the couple thing, that's not a big deal.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 38
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/22/2010 10:02:01 AM
Fitting?
With KY jelly...or Poli-grip, as the case may be...or maybe shim it up with several rubbers...safety first, right?
OH...not that kind of fitting?
My bad
As for the kind of "fitting" that the topic is apparently actually ABOUT...it's hard for me to make a definitive statement,because I'm no longer particularly enamored of having a resident SO and consolidated life with same. It's the residency/consolidated life thing that I'm not real big on...having a SO would be nice, but I also value privacy, autonomy and absence of drama.
So ,social/familial "fitting" would be something I'd have to consider on a case-by-case basis.
Cindy O
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 39
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/26/2010 7:13:16 PM
IMO I think fitting is more important now than when I was younger. As OP noted we desire different things as we grow up as we define ourselves, create our lives and decide who we include in our inner circle of family/friends.

I am at a point in my life where kids are in university, I am single once again and re-defining my life. I don't have the time or desire to put up with people's behaviours and actions as I would have when I was 20 or 30. I know what I am looking for in a partner, and how important common interests and lifestyles are. I'm not desperate or feel an urgency to find someone as I have a nice life and would like to share it with the right person. I hope to find someone who feels the same way I do about fitting together and enjoying our time together.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 40
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 2/27/2010 1:53:44 AM

The less we 'grasp the idea of a new life' and, perhaps, play with it in a more relaxed manner,[but with total respect for the other], then something more permanent may develop.


Boy I find most people do not want to approach a new relationship in a relaxed manner.. Respect for who you are and what you are doing with your life seems so very unimportant.

I marveled at my son the other day that celebrated his 8th wedding anniversary this past November. He was going to be arriving back home a day earlier then expected so he called his wife to let her know. Then he asked her if perchance she was busy that evening or had she had other plans already.. He then asked to take her out for dinner. I thought how sweet 8 plus years married and he is asking her for a date.. I have never seen a couple respect one another more than these two people do. They never take one another for granted..

Without respect a relationship has a limited shelf life.

It is the foundation on which to build.

thecatsmeoww
 northerndreamer
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 41
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/1/2010 8:46:22 PM
Fit is the number one criteria. I love my life, am in a good place and not planning to turn myself into a pretzel to fit anyone into my life. Nor should they do it for me. I have my interests, my athletic activity. This is my time and the man has to share the things that are important to me. If he can't, then what's the point?

Of course fit matters. Unless you're desperate, then you settle.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 42
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How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/2/2010 5:58:44 AM
In my own view there is a vast difference between the life 2 people create and the life that 1 person creates. You only have to recall what happens when you get married. Slowly but surely you social circle changes, your activities change, your goals and plans change. The reverse happens even more dramatically when you divorce.

All of the haughty posturing about "I love my life and he/she better fit into it or its a no-go" is to me plainly silly. If you are going to make a relationship work, the result is going to be a negotiated blend, and it won't be like the single life. If you really love your life and are not open to any adjustments, you are wasting your time looking for a relationship. Enjoy the life you love! You will be living it by yourself for a long, long time!

And no, I do not suggest that you have to give up everything you love for a relationship. You will, however, have to compromise, and
in relative terms, both partners will compromise a lot to be together. A single person, for instance, will have many friends of the same or opposite sex, while couples usually decide to behave somewhat differently, if only to avoid jealousy. That is only 1 example.
 northerndreamer
Joined: 6/30/2009
Msg: 43
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/3/2010 6:36:41 PM
Don't agree. I am willing to compromise on small things but my life is pretty good as it is. and I'm content-as are many I know. A man should enhance that, not take away. if being with him means not pursuing who and what I am- I'm happy without him. Pretty simple actually. I have my interests- not willing to give them up. so I'll find a man who shares them or I'll continue to pursue them with friends. It's all pretty simple.

And being alone? I'm rarely alone so I treasure alone time.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 44
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/4/2010 3:09:49 AM

Don't agree. I am willing to compromise on small things but my life is pretty good as it is. and I'm content-as are many I know. A man should enhance that, not take away. if being with him means not pursuing who and what I am- I'm happy without him. Pretty simple actually. I have my interests- not willing to give them up. so I'll find a man who shares them or I'll continue to pursue them with friends. It's all pretty simple.


I feel pretty much like you do. My life is in fact a very good one and feel I do not want to get into a situation that would detract from that.

Like you I still have things I am pursing with gusto.. I am certainly not willing to give those up in order to have a relationship.

I also do not want animal flesh in the house or junk food. If he wants to eat these things let him eat it out, like I do at times..

So either he loves animals or he is into eating healthy..

He need not share my interests but it would be an added bonus if he shared one of them. I believe that would be the glue that would hold us together.

Now check out this couple that has been married 62 years.. Marlow Cowan (who is in his 90's) and his sweetheart can you say they share a common interest and fit like a glove?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RI-l0tK8Ok0&NR=1

thecatsmeoww
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 45
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/4/2010 5:27:51 AM
For many "fitting in" is very high on the priority list.I'm not one of them,,,and in my dream wish list,,,,either is my future partner. (ahhhhhhhh,,,,to dream) My family and friends know that the people I hang around with are not relative to the others in a way that I pick because of what "others" think.

"Fitting in" makes for boring dinners conversations, boring holidays, boring,boring,boring. Ya gotta have entertainment,,,,and cheap entertainment is the bestest.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 46
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/4/2010 2:00:02 PM

On the other hand two misfits just might make a perfect fit.


Indeed!! In fact I could really go for someone that was a little South of the Border sort of speak we might just have enough common ground here..

the cats outta the bag
 Notdesper8atall
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 47
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/4/2010 4:30:16 PM
OP If I have chosen to involve myself in a realtionship with someone then they have already fit to some extent.

Would I base my decision on their "fit" with friends and family? To some extent perhaps..but it wouldnt be the sole factor in my decision, no.

At the end of the day.. after the party, night out, family function or what have you, the most important fit is between my partner and I. Thats the "fit" that matters in the long run.
 sngldadonli
Joined: 10/16/2008
Msg: 48
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How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/6/2010 10:38:43 PM
A wise person once said that at our stage in life, we all have at least some baggage. The trick is to find a matching set of luggage.
 thecatsmeoww
Joined: 3/7/2009
Msg: 49
How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/10/2010 6:17:22 AM

A wise person once said that at our stage in life, we all have at least some baggage. The trick is to find a matching set of luggage.


Thanks I knew I should have checked his luggage when I met him in the baggage department of our local airport. Had I noticed his luggage did not remotely even resemble mine I never would have shared that limo with him.. Lessons learned..

thecatsmeoww
 URXO2
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 50
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How important is Fitting?
Posted: 3/10/2010 10:42:47 AM

Thanks I knew I should have checked his luggage when I met him in the baggage department of our local airport. Had I noticed his luggage did not remotely even resemble mine I never would have shared that limo with him.. Lessons learned..



There's always extra baggage when you share the ride, tug, pull, heave, lift, throw, pack, somehow you get it all in the trunk and close the lid....enjoy the companionship on the ride...
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