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 GeorgiaRedhead
Joined: 9/4/2009
Msg: 5
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Dating with KidsPage 3 of 2    (1, 2)
OK I totally disagree with "withholding" information about such a huge part of your life such as being a parent. Sure don't tell them you don't like their sports team right off the bat that's usually not a deal breaker in dating someone. This is pretty much lieing by omission, still makes you a liar.

I am curious how you talked to someone long enough to build a "real" interest but yet you didn't mention you kids at all? Seems like when you ask how someone's day is or what they did, you'd mention something having to do with your children.

I have a young daughter, I'm very upfront about it and even mention it again when emailing someone because I know they may not have read my full profile or maybe don't understand that she's young. I think it's very important to be very up front and pretty much blunt about the major things in your life.

Again it's a preference if they prefer not to date people with children it is what it is, suck it up and move on.
 mcalgary
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 6
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 2/18/2010 10:58:37 AM

Did their profiles indicate they did not want children? Perhaps you also have a reading deficit?


Some people want children but do not want to date a guy who already has kids. I have met several people like this who say that they want to build their own family and not have any other children around or some people who don't want to have any more kids but would be happy to date a guy with kids.

Seeing that they want or do not want kids gives no indication whether they want to date a person with kids.

I think that a filter like this would be very usefull.
 Genuine033
Joined: 6/17/2009
Msg: 7
Dating with Kids
Posted: 2/20/2010 2:35:48 PM
I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes it feels like some people don't want to look at you as a person but just as a parent.
The other site of this is you want to protect yourself and your family from people that are not good (what ever that entails, the worse would be a abuser, the least someone unstable), at the same time if you truly want to get to know someone you have to also be open to let them get to know you.
At the end of the day, go with what your gut tells you and if someone is not interested because you have children than you would not want to be around that person anyhow.
I like the idea of filtering though, we all do it, like physical appearance and intersests, why not indicate that and eliminate wasting time emailing someone that can't even picture having to spend a day with a child.
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 8
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 2/21/2010 7:24:25 PM
Why don't you just write it in your profile?
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 9
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 2/21/2010 10:50:37 PM

You'd have to be mentally retarded to date someone if you let your feelings for someone run riot before getting to know them.

It doesn't matter who you are, your child(ren)'s protection should come first. I don't see how that is in any way retarded.

Velvetlotus, the post I was referring to you said that you should not tell someone you have children until X point down the line, to not think of it as deceitful but as protecting your children.

It is unnecessary to not tell someone you have children to protect them and sorry, that is retarded. I would be highly pissed, particularly if I didn't want to date someone with children, to start seeing them, start developing feelings and then have them spring on me that they are a parent.

It is called being honest and yes, even if you think for some bizarre reason that you need to not allow people to know you are a parent, don't pretend like it is to protect your kids, it is because you are afraid that no one will want a parent. Telling someone you are a parent has nothing to do with whether you will allow your children to be abused because you let someone around them that you do not know.
 YodasFootPowder
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 10
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 2/22/2010 1:13:28 AM
My profile does state I have kids, but I can't say I blame anyone for omitting the fact that they have kids over their first couple of dates. First of all, being a huge part of your personal life, if you're just going out on a first date or two, it's really not anyone's business to know if you have kids or not. It's a first date for God's sake. You don't talk about getting married, why do your kids have to be mentioned?

Secondly, one reason I might not mention to someone that I have a kid on the first date is because I'd like the person to get to know me and make up their own mind on whether they like me or not and not use my child as a reason to like me or not like me. I'd likely mention it to them on the second or third date and if they decide they don't like the fact that I have a kid, then OK, they can walk. It's not like it's a huge waste of time. One or two dates, oh well...

Not to mention, as some people have already said; some people look for people with kids because they are either pedophiles or because they're psycho men/women who want kids for whatever reason or another. I think meeting someone once or twice before mentioning you have a kid(s) is a good and safe idea. You can at least try and get a feel about them as to whether or not they're normal before you tell them that you have a kid(s).

I don't know... It's kind of a lose/lose situation. If you don't tell people up front you're labeled a liar. If you do tell them right away, you could be walking into a trap with a psycho/crazy.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 11
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 2/22/2010 8:09:41 AM
Always be honest. Whether you have kids full time or every other weekend you are a parent and should not represent yourself as anything else.
 kawasakiprincess
Joined: 5/13/2007
Msg: 12
Dating with Kids
Posted: 3/5/2010 3:06:02 PM
well i put i don't want a man with kids in my headline.. and in my profile and still i get men with kids i had to sit there and write it over and over so men would get the idea!! i always look first thats the first thing i look for if they have kids i mean really how you feel OP about women not reading your profile fully is how i feel as well i mean if they truly were interested in you they would of read everything
 time2luvlife
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 13
Dating with Kids
Posted: 3/7/2010 3:29:59 PM
Unfortunatly there are a lot less single dad's than single mom's, so a lot of women don't think to check if you have kids (full time) or not.

Suggestion, list it clearly in your profile before you write about other things. Listing the age of your kids might help.

I commend your dedication to your kids. I'd be happy if my ex would call our kids. At best he sees them 2-3 times a year, and usually only because I created the opportunity.

Anyone that doesn't want to date you because you have your kids full time doesn't know what they're missing. I think being a single parents makes us more understanding, thoughtful, focused etc.

I have to admit though, if someone lives in Victoria and has kids (full time or not), I skip them because I've tried it. Victoria vs. Duncan doesn't work. Between the kids' schedule, adult's schedules and travel time, getting together is almost impossible.

Everything happens for a reason, so it just means you haven't caught the right fish yet!

Happy fishing and good luck.
 angreid10
Joined: 2/22/2010
Msg: 14
Dating with Kids
Posted: 3/7/2010 5:58:46 PM
sorry but withholding information about having kids, is definitely the wrong thing to do. so you may have your children every other weekend, at least you have them! there are fathers out there who only take their children every once in a while! but seriously though, by leaving the fact you have children out of a conversation, almost makes it sound like i don't know you're not proud of being a father. sorry just my opinion. yes it is frustrating finding out that someone you've chatted with does not want to date someone with children, but hey that's their choice. i myself have 3 boys, who i'm very proud of and have no problem telling people about them or letting the person know i have them in the first place! it's basically a package deal..."if you want to date me, you have to know i have kids and i'd like to include them" i don't mean include them in everything we do, but, what i mean is if you want me, you want my kids too....my kids are a big part of my life and if the person i meet can accept that, then great if not, well then that's life...
 maree27
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 15
Dating with Kids
Posted: 3/7/2010 10:46:07 PM
I agree with what you are saying, and feel to that people need to see you for the person that you are and not labelling you as a single parents you still are a person after all. good luck in your search.
 justmereally3
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 16
Dating with Kids
Posted: 3/17/2010 4:20:10 AM
I ALWAYS let people know that I have kids. I feel it's fair to both of us. If they do not want to date someone with kids, why waste my time or his. That does not mean you have to introduce them to your kids right away though.
I do agree there should be a place to mark if you do not want to date someone with kids. I always have trouble with the "want kids, does not want kids, prefer not to say". I do not want to "have" any more kids, but would love to date someone who does.
Have a great day!!!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 17
Dating with Kids
Posted: 3/17/2010 1:06:32 PM

that people need to see you for the person that you are and not labelling you as a single parents

No, they do not need to see you for the person that you are. I know, sounds bad, right? It's not. We're not talking about a job interview, here.

If you live 2000 miles away, are they obligated to know you for the person that you are, and should HAVE to get to know you before you skip over their profile? No. They already know, whether you're great or not, dating 2,000 miles away ain't going to work for them.

If you have kids, are they obligated to know you for the person that you are?
No. They already know, whether you're great or not, dating someone with kids isn't going to work for them.

If you have DON'T have kids, are they obligated to know you for the person that you are?
No. They already know, whether you're great or not, dating someone who doesn't have kids isn't going to work for them.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 18
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 3/17/2010 7:50:46 PM
The decision as to whether or not to disclose the fact that you have children is a personal one, as is the decision to date someone who has kids. I agree with velvetlotus; personal preferences are too widespread to list them all on profile info.

I will say, optimism, that erring on the side of paranoia when children are involved (and especially on these sites) is not equivalent to lying. The safety of our children is paramount. Many may agree with you, until they have that ONE bad, even iffy, experience. Just sayin'.
 Angelin77
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 19
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/1/2010 6:34:33 PM
I've seen a lot of discussion on whether to say you have kids or not - but how long do you date someone steadily or exclusively before bringing them home to meet the kids?
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 20
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/1/2010 6:58:06 PM
velvetlotus is right, as my online experience has taught me. As much as we'd like to think that this medium is no different from meeting someone in a bar, it certainly is. Although I do answer truthfully the "have kids" portion of the profile, past experience has led me to often cease contact with someone who begins to mention or question things that relate to my kids' activities, interests, even ages, but I don't care. Priorities are priorities, and this medium is the perfect venue for those who seek children to harm. I would rather be alone with my kids than simply alone.

Ok, sorry, that was a bit off topic, but believe me, there are dangerous people here, and single parent sites are even more convenient, even if not free, for those who seek to victimize; truly, they are. Caution is paramount.

We have to live with the fact that, even without a photo posted, most users merely glance at a profile. Also, they are often contacting several people and it can be difficult to remember the specifics of each. So, you meet for a drink, catch a movie, whatever, than find out you're not going to pursue a relationship, for any reason. Not that big of a deal, if you ask me.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 21
Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/2/2010 5:23:09 AM

I learned a long time ago that my children will stay out of my dating life... until I find the one that I feel I will be with for quite some time at least.


This is a very bad idea, let me repeat this a very bad idea. Do not withhold this information past the first date otherwise you are being dishonest because there are some people that say they want children but do not want to be with someone who already has children of there own.

I think it is best to say whether you have children right in your profile and you should put there ages as well.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 22
Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/4/2010 8:53:34 PM

The decision as to whether or not to disclose the fact that you have children is a personal one, as is the decision to date someone who has kids.

No -- two very different types of decisions.

If someone asks "Do you have kids?" and you say "I'm not telling" -- that means you have kids to anyone with a brain in their head. Therefore, you're put in a position to lie about it -- which is ridiculous.

Now, not disclosing how often your kids are in custody with you, is something I could see, but overly-paranoid, and a bit weird.

Saying you have kids isn't going to put you in any threatening position for crazies, any more than being out in the dating itself.

Laughable BS Excuse vs Probable Real Reason Why:
"I don't want to tell anyone I smoke":
Excuse: Because I'll get smokers who like to smoke inside and I've run into that. I do not smoke inside, and I want to avoid that. If I trust them, then I'll tell them.
Real Reason: I'll don't want to be over-looked in searches because I smoke. I mean, I don't smoke that much and can not smoke when going out with them...

"I don't want to tell anyone I have kids":
Excuse: Because it puts my kids' lives at risk if someone I don't really know that well knows I have kids.
Real Reason: I don't want to be over-looked just because I have kids. I don't have full custody, and they don't need a daytime babysitter, and I have lots of family to help take care, so it's not really a big deal...
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 23
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/6/2010 10:32:32 AM
There's a world of difference between what the OP said:


I learned a long time ago that my children will stay out of my dating life


(which means the children will not be involved in one's dating life), and not disclosing the fact that you have children.

If I started communicating with someone who does not say upfront that they have kids, which is a major part of someone's life, I would consider it a lie of omission. I wouldn't be interested in someone who left that fact out of their profile, or didn't mention it from the very beginning.
 tori_ladybug
Joined: 4/20/2010
Msg: 24
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/9/2010 10:44:01 AM
My kids are my world and they are the most important part of the person I am today. I would utterly respect the man who said I really like you but you have so much to handle I cant be part of that . I do agree it should have that option because then as I block certain users and to my huge amusment a friend inadvertently ( hes a very naughty boy)
Those who want a relationship without the extra issues of dealing with a busy single mother wont have to look and think she would be OK but...
I must add KUDOS for having the guts to post that cause its a brave man to say it.
 cheeriness
Joined: 8/23/2009
Msg: 25
Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/9/2010 11:01:46 AM
I got sick of that too!

So I put a disclaimer on my profile that I have 5 kids runaway now! Then I ask right away did u read my profile? Really? so you know i have five kids?

Throw it out there right away and may the faint of heart take off running. Great way to weed out the girls from the women in my opinion.
good luck.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 26
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/9/2010 8:07:35 PM
I agree in general with the notion that it is best to state that you are a parent, but, you must realize that there are some, albeit an extreme minority, who see that fact that you are a single mom of five as evidence that you are an easy target. As I have said, safety is paramount, so the idea that too much information is dangerous is applicable. Never trust your own ability to keep your children safe, seriously. Those who seek out the most vulnerable are quite good at it, as well as good at disguising their intent. It only takes one bad experience to learn that you are, indeed, vulnerable.
 itsaboutthattime
Joined: 5/20/2010
Msg: 28
Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/30/2010 10:31:44 AM
I agree with a lot of the posts saying if you put it in your profile that should be sufficient. However, I agree that the problem exists. I have had problems in the past where men don't understand my kid comes first; so my time isn't as flexible since I have full custody of her. They have children of their own as well, but the every other weekend rules apply to them, so they assume since they don't get their kids as much that I should be flexible for their schedule. Uh... NO. My kid comes before you.

I do not bring men around my home at all and this they have an issue with as well. Until I'm with the same man for several months, my daughter will not meet them. So, you see... it goes both ways. Dating just isn't an easy thing to do.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 29
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Dating with Kids
Posted: 5/31/2010 7:40:55 PM

"I don't want to tell anyone I have kids":
Excuse: Because it puts my kids' lives at risk if someone I don't really know that well knows I have kids.
Real Reason: I don't want to be over-looked just because I have kids. I don't have full custody, and they don't need a daytime babysitter, and I have lots of family to help take care, so it's not really a big deal.


To disclose is to make known. There is a huge difference between disclosing personal information on a fairly public website & being honest with an individual, when posed a question. It is wrong of you to assume that you know the motives of anyone for their choice of disclosure.
 TheArmyLife
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 30
Dating with Kids
Posted: 6/6/2010 9:40:58 PM

Are someone else's kids really a problem? If you're wanting to know someone new, I don't see the problem.


I would be quite upset if I wasted my time with a single mother because she didn't announce it upfront. It's a classic bait and switch. I'd definitely be out the door with a quickness. I might even ask for my money back too.
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