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Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 5
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
I just left a 12 yr relationship with a girl who had been having an affair for at least the last 8 months of our relationship.
When I found out, six months ago, she promised she wouldnt see him again.
At first, I was mistrustful and suspicious with how she was acting, and I was right, she kept contacting him, when I was asleep, at work, wherever.
Just before xmas, we had yet another arguement over it, and she promised again that she wouldnt see him.
somehow, I began to trust her again, somehow, I began to forget the betrayal, the looks from her, direct into my heart, as she told her lies to me, and trusted her again.

After a good xmas, we get back and wham,
she lets me know she's been speaking to him, and she saw him when I went away for a few days a few weeks before.
So for six months since her affair had been brought to light, and was supposedly over, I had been lied to, blantantly, after giving her 12 years of my life.

Sorry, this is meant to be a reply...

Two weeks into it I am probably feeling a bit bitter but I would suspect that, while you may be able to learn to trust her again, trusting her again maybe an unwise decision.

If she has done it once to you, and then repeatedly covered it up, adding to it, and continues to see him while denying it, its not really by accident, or 'a bad decision', or something she regrets, so trust could be difficult to build.


As it sounds like a fairly new relationship you have with there the possibility that the other man was just a bit of the past that wasnt fully gone?
Perhaps she liked you both and had a hard time making a decision, and now she may have?

Could at least be worth seeing.

Oh, I think my thoughts have swapped over during the drafting of this post......
I think ultimately your best placed to make the best decision.

I agree with the above two posts as well, by the way.

Good luck
Joined: 8/25/2006
Msg: 8
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 4:29:23 AM
Brad - You've answered your own question of trust with your cleric account. You know what she is. Lonely, self absorbed, insecure, needy - traits of a swinger. I think the question you have is why do I want to trust her still, why do I still want to be with her?

My 'gut' feeling is you are awaiting on a preja vue to occur in real life. You wish the tube to take a different route but you've travelled it before and know that it will not.

The positive:
You've learned some thing of life
You know what you don't seek
You have reduced my ravings against POF - 3 months together!

}{Be Well}{
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 10
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:26:23 AM
I wouldnt worry re whether he respects her... its irrelevent.
however the casualness of the message probably indicates, at least from his point of view, his lack of commitment or lack of grounding of their relationship, whatever that may be. I could be wrong.

Why did she change his name?
Hard to say, but I'd guess again that she still has feelings for him.
That doesnt mean she doesnt also have feelings for you.
Maybe keeping her options open.

I think you have to ask yourself....
Will you ever trust her?
I'm not saying it cant be done... I did it. ( although I ended up regretting it :))

Perhaps you need to sit and discuss this - without accusations, but talk., I know youve been seeing this guy recently, and that he means more than your admitting, but I like you. I want to be with you, but I cant if this guys around, and that youd like her to tell you what she wants.

try to be open about it.
you want her, but you dont want her with him attached.
tell her to think about it and get back to you once she has.
dont contact her until she gets back to you.
Seem like you aren't really worried.
get on with your life.

if she does want to be with you, well and good, she'll contact you, move on and try to put issues of trust behind you, it is damn early in the relationship after all.

if she doesnt contact you, then i guess you know the answer

Given that you havent spoken for five days, you're obviously still in her thoughts.

Who gives a rats about valentines day.... Just a marketting scam, to sell cards.
Dont put too much emphasis onto specific actions, days, etc, look back at the bigger picture.

Take what I say with a grain of salt, I just lost my partner of 12 years, so I probably am not the best person to give advice.

But hey, I've done a hell of a lot of thinking about these issues in the last 15 days.

One last thing...

When you're feeling betrayed, lost, alone, its easy to romanticise what you want or had, to imagine the reality as a better place than it really is or was.

Just remember though, prior to the event horizon taking over, what it was really like.
There probably is better girls out there for you - even if you think there is not because you are feeling low in self-esteem at the moment, if you are feeling that.

Either way.... some people will argue that your relationship with her will always be flawed from this point on, you not trusting her, her not being trustworthy, or if she is, worring about you not trusting her.
unless you can get it all out on the table and talk about it at the start, I think things may be hard.

And again, take what I say with a grain of salt, as I am not really together....and neither are my sentances....LOL
Good luck with your endeavors.
Joined: 2/16/2010
Msg: 11
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 5:38:56 AM
Oh, re reading phone logs.

Well, if you feel you are not getting honest answers, what choice do you have.

However, doing so illustrates a complete lack of trust, a lack that probably cant be sated by not finding anything there when you look.

I'm not one for burying my head in the sand, and I believe its better to know the truth as early as possible.

While I dont like the idea of a future girlfriend going through my phone logs, I wouldnt really care about it. As I wouldnt be hiding anything, I'd prefer her to check to make her happy, rather than worring about it. Hopefully she'd raise her concerns as well though.

If a girl really wants to cheat on someone, she can hide it pretty well.
So finding nothing on her phone is inconclusive at best.... so searching it can really only lead to heartbreak, either finding what you dont want to find, or else, not finding it and remaining suspicious of her.

Get it out in the open with her, say what you want in life, and say what you dont want.
Put the ball in her court, and hope shell come back to play.
If she doesnt, it wouldnt have worked anyway.
If she does, good.

another 2 cents worth from me.... night all
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 14
view profile
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:37:55 AM
Anytime your intuition tells you something listen carefully.
You did not feel comfortable meeting the kid or family so soon, you did not believe the answer regarding the weights, you did not like the idea that she still was on POF, you felt she was being dishonest about the phone calls and texts she received. But YOU ignored all that? Because you liked the frequent sex and were willing to put up with anything to get some. Live and learn. But I don't think from your post that you are all that broken up about it either.
Next time you are not feeling it for someone DO NOT fake a relationship.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 16
view profile
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 7:32:36 AM
you sound like a very judgmental person,you also sound angry, really, so what if she had a boyfriend or two, or 100, its who she is now, lighten up, learn to respect her for who she is today
actually, after reading your post again, i think you might need help with your paranoia , seek help from a pro, maybe meds will help you, this is my serious oppinion
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 17
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 7:45:01 AM

RUN in the other direction. Never see or speak to her again.

Haven't you people learned anything from "The Godfather" (the book)? Treachery can't be forgiven.

And another thing... you seem to think that the fact she spent some holidays with you, introduced you to her daughter mean something. I've learned that's not always the case, some women have NO awareness of that type of stuff. This gal obviously let her daughter meet everyone she ****ed.

and BTW, don't underestimate kids, it's not like humans start thinking when they turn 18 or 21.
 want to travel
Joined: 7/29/2006
Msg: 18
view profile
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 7:45:17 AM
looking at at her phone is a very paranoid thing to do,you seem to question every thing and every move she makes,she must be walking on eggshells , with your behavior, maybe shes just trying to put your mind at ease, and is trying to tell you what she thinks will pacify your paranoia... anyway poor woman,if you do not trust her, have no problem invading her privacy,(after only 3 month), why dont you move on
if i did not trust my so i would not be with her, but i def would have the decency not to invade her privacy
Joined: 2/9/2010
Msg: 19
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 8:03:42 AM
Brad- To keep it simple..............end the relationship. It sounds like there's always going to be things popping up that are going to make you think. Don't put yourself through that.

Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
view profile
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 11:40:03 AM

sometimes when you have feelings for a person, u can be blinded & not quite see the truth as it is.

I am just telling you what I see in your post nothing more. Why did you go against your intincts and ignore the signs that all was not right? You never once said in your post that you were in love or had 'deep feelings' for her. Only that you did not trust her and for damn good reasons.
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 27
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Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 6:49:22 PM
The whole friend on couch doesn't sound like anything you have to worry about. I wouldn't keep weight lifting equipment out at someones house that had children either. And to a child, a man that lives with her mom, i think most children would think it was her boyfriend. "he just packed up and left", probably meant he found a place to stay finally and she just missed having a man around the house.

You said you got "ann's" number when it was late at night and you couldn't sleep. I would assume you hurriedly got the # and wrote it down. It's very possible that you got the WRONG #. Maybe you brought up the # and accidentally hit an arrow key going to the next entry, like "andy" or simply misread or wrote it down wrong. This wouldn't be the first time something like sleuthing around someone's private property got someone's in trouble.

It's possible that she doesn't want to come off as a slut and tell you she's dated a ton since her ex husband. I've known a few divorcee's and they tend to do some out of the ordinary things in the first year or so after a divorce, regardless of who broke it off with who.

Just cause the guy texted her doesn't mean she's done anything with him while you guys were dating. It's possible she hasn't heard from him in months.

Just playing a little devils advocate. It sounded like she liked you enough to want to hide some of her past that she didn't feel comfortable enough revealing to you yet. I don't know how the rest of your relationship was, so I really couldn't tell ya just from this what was going on. The text that was sent to her sounds like it was from close friends who have inside jokes or something. It wouldn't sound disrespectful to me if it was from a friend of mine. We joke around a lot.

It sounds like whether or not she was telling the truth, the whole invasion of privacy thing may have made it impossible for reconciliation anyway, so I'd just move on and not dwell too long on it.
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 29
view profile
Can She Be Trusted Or Not??
Posted: 2/22/2010 8:41:32 PM
I was just playing devils advocate, lol. Ya, the odds of hitting someone that lives close by is pretty slim depending on what number and/or how many you may or may not have gotten wrong. Probably just a 5% chance of hittin up a guy within a 10min radius assuming you got the area code correct.

Based solely on what I know from your story, I would just let it go myself. It does mostly sound fishy to me with the whole phone thing. Trust your instincts. Right or wrong, they are at least telling you that it obviously doesn't feel good to be with the person anymore. If she could prove you were wrong she would have. At least you haven't wasted too much of your time on her.

I'm glad I recently got left by someone I wont ever trust again as well.
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