Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Anger: A Barrier to Love      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 myblueshadow
Joined: 11/11/2009
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Anger: A Barrier to LovePage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Anger is what is referred to as a secondary emotion. It's a defense mechanism, which turns some sort of hurtful inward feeling toward an outward expression. It's so much easier to be angry than it is to be lonely or vulnerable. Every person has emotions. It's how we deal with them and express them that are so vastly different. Emotions occur solely and completely internally. How we express/show them are behaviors. That's the external factor. I imagine that your anger is a way to protect yourself from being hurt. It can be terifying to be vulnerable to another person, and your anger is way of attempting to shield against that hurt. This is something that has to change within you. Simply changing the type of personality you date will not eliminate your fear, it will simply alter the way it manifests itself.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 36
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/25/2010 4:12:56 PM

So I feel trapped, suffocated, and lash out for no reason at all, other than the fact that I'd rather be alone than suffocated,

So have you ever considered the idea that maybe you are one of those people who would do better in a less closely-confined dating scenario?
Maybe you need to give the whole dating and relationship thing a rest for awhile...I suspect that there quite a few people who just really don't do well in your average marriage or LTR,but because of the social pressure to pair-bond, they keep trying to hammer themselves-square pegs-into those round holes and it neever quite works.
Part of why I say this is because of your references to feeling trapped and suffocated. Because it just doesn't hang together for me, that a fiercely independent,driven, hard body/hard heart woman would be one to make a guy feel trapped/suffocated. What can drive a lot of men batsh*t crazy when dealing with an independent, self-reliant,knows-who-she-is type woman, is that they feel like they CAN'T get close, or they take the woman's indepence/autonomy as "not being into me that much."
Anyway, those are my thoughts based on my interpretation of your pst.
Cindy O
 brownie360
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 37
view profile
History
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/26/2010 2:18:09 AM
with these issues; which clearly have CONSUMED you; makes you undateable. your anger and the sourse therein needs to be address. i steer clear of people that have issues with anger as they tend to or may be violent.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/26/2010 3:20:42 AM
People, what I'm saying is I want to be soft. It's a matter of meeting people who like softness. Bars are OUT. My issues aren't THAT deep. I think I've already stated what they are.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 39
view profile
History
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/26/2010 3:51:13 AM
Not really concerned with being "datable", just striking up a good healthy conversation here!
 GRP60
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 40
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/26/2010 4:04:41 AM
[I imagine that your anger is a way to protect yourself from being hurt]

I should have said that to my wife repeatedly, but she would have said that her anger was her way of manifesting the hurt that was MY FAULT and that she had every right to sound off as aggressively as possible. Her fear of being vulnerable? MY FAULT! She would just not accept that she had neurotic issues that she needed to process, regardless of my frequent offers to hear her past pain... no, it was all MY FAULT, and she was fine previously, and she enjoyed pushing me into demonstrating anger on my own, which was really just extreme frusteration with her constant sabotaging of the potential of a real relationship.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 41
view profile
History
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/26/2010 4:52:25 AM
Thanks, GRP. I'm already hurting, so I'm not concerned about getting hurt lol. Keeps going back to the fact that I miss my brother, who died over 3 years ago of cancer.

So I'm looking for a very special friend who reminds me of my brother. If that friend is a she, and we happen to like each other physically, added bonus!!! But I really don't want to confuse sex with what I really want and need, which is a soft, quiet, sedate, special friend. It hasn't been going well...
 Chasing~Cars
Joined: 1/4/2010
Msg: 42
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/26/2010 5:23:12 AM

People, what I'm saying is I want to be soft. It's a matter of meeting people who like softness. Bars are OUT. My issues aren't THAT deep. I think I've already stated what they are.


If you want “soft” than be soft, figure out what soft really is for you, no one is going to give it to you and the expectation that another is responsible for your softness is going to only lead to more anger and frustration. By the way, you attract who you are, stop blaming others for what you find.
 Sefra
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 43
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/26/2010 5:38:26 AM
Maybe you haven't embraced your actual orientation? If you don't like women (emotions and all) maybe you don't like girls.
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 44
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/26/2010 11:37:06 AM
Yes, most women are soft on the inside.........tender.

Is it really a man's job to maneauver inside the walls or a woman's to meet him halfway?


Men are tender too.

It should certainly be halfway, but I wish more people would look beyond certain things a person may do because they are scared, vulnerable etc. However sometimes one person in a relationship may have to do more work than the other. I have a good friend who is now married with a child who was what some men would deem "difficult" simply because she was scared, vulnerable and didn't trust easily. She met a man who tore down those walls and forced her to communicate when things went awry. She is so glad he did.

Get to know a person's background and what happened to them. People who understand themselves will generally be able to use their experiences to explain the person they are and what they are continue to strive to be. Working on oneself is never a finished product in my opinion.


her anger was her way of manifesting the hurt that was MY FAULT and that she had every right to sound off as aggressively as possible. Her fear of being vulnerable? MY FAULT! She would just not accept that she had neurotic issues that she needed to process, regardless of my frequent offers to hear her past pain... no, it was all MY FAULT, and she was fine previously, and she enjoyed pushing me into demonstrating anger on my own, which was really just extreme frusteration with her constant sabotaging of the potential of a real relationship.


See this I don't get. How can anyone accuse the other for past issues? I know what my issues are and I know where they come from and I can discuss them with people and I want feedback and I want people to get angry with me rather than close off.

However, despite your offer of wanting to listen to her past pain, perhaps she just didn't "feel" it emanating from you. One doesn't just open up because another made the offer to listen. What one person may deem is a good listener for them, another might not.
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 45
Anger: A Barrier to Love
Posted: 2/26/2010 11:59:39 AM

Men are tender too.

It should certainly be halfway, but I wish more people would look beyond certain things a person may do because they are scared, vulnerable etc. However sometimes one person in a relationship may have to do more work than the other. I have a good friend who is now married with a child who was what some men would deem "difficult" simply because she was scared, vulnerable and didn't trust easily. She met a man who tore down those walls and forced her to communicate when things went awry. She is so glad he did.

Get to know a person's background and what happened to them. People who understand themselves will generally be able to use their experiences to explain the person they are and what they are continue to strive to be. Working on oneself is never a finished product in my opinion.



Please, wild heart, help me find my inner Michael Bolton....

Seems I was sentenced to death, takin' my steps with my head down while pourin' liquor for my brothas 'cause they dead now.....

Everybody searchin' for a piece of the truth and the youth turned the streets in to a piece of Beirut....


Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Anger: A Barrier to Love