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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?      Home login  
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 Lint Spotter
Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 26
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?Page 2 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I really understand the whole not wanting to talk on the phone... I have voicemail so if it's important, the person will leave a message or I could be waiting for a call from one specific person and would only accept calls from that person.


"can I call you back later I'm doing xyz".
I can't actually see it going over well to say... "Can I call you back later, I'm staring mindlessly at the television."

Sometimes finishing whatever it is you're doing or not doing is easier than explaining why doing nothing is more important at that particular time than talking to the person.
 arcticdude
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 27
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 3:46:27 AM
Not a 'deal breaker' with me. Why would I want to impose myself on anyone who, at that moment, didn't feel like talking...sounds kind of non-consensual.

Someone assuming my not answering the phone is me saying "**** her"...Now THAT is a potential deal breaker for me! A li-ttle bit "I won't be ignored, Dan..." psycho...
 cookie22222
Joined: 8/4/2007
Msg: 28
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 6:57:26 AM
OP - the fact that she doesn't pick up the phone MEANS she's busy doing something, left the phone out of hearing, is in the shower, or doesn't feel like talking - in fact, it covers all the reasons you listed that were "acceptable". NOT picking up the phone conveys that message.

I just don't get it. I don't care what kind of relationship you have with someone - that does NOT mean they need to be at a moment's notice 24/7 - I don't care if it's a SO, parent, friend, whatever. People DO NOT have to be hooked into the communication matrix every moment of every day.

I don't have a cell phone. And guess what? If I have someone over - I don't answer my house phone either. I don't even look to see who it is...because that is RUDE.

It would be a deal breaker for me if someone was asking - why didn't you answer my call/text/email? Ye gods....

AND - all that being said - in any relationship I've ever had - I've been in almost constant contact throughout the day. Big difference in a back and forth - and a DEMAND that you answer immediately!
 Fishalways
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 29
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 6:57:51 AM
I am so glad I am not the only one who doesn't like answering the phone every time it rings. Someone else said "my phone, my choice". I use the phone as somthing to make plans and then the conversation will be in person, and even then I may not have anything to say. If it is important, or time critical I will leave a message.

Simply put, just becasue you don't like the way she is using her phone, does not make it a problem she has, it makes it a problem YOU have.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 30
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:41:15 AM
I am in sales and spend a large part of my day in front of a computer and on the phone talking to people. When I am home the last thing I want to do is chit chat on the phone or trade IMs or texts.
My BF, Mother, sister and friends all know to email me and I will get back to them within a day. You will save yourself a lot of grief if you only call when necessary. Many people I know hate talking on the phone and do not feel a need to explain themselves to someone that obviously enjoys it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 31
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 7:53:31 AM
How long have you and the SO been together? Color me weird, I don't really ever remember being in a relationship with someone and not wanting to talk to them. So if she's dumb enough to tell you yeah, I was sitting there watching the phone ring and didn't want to talk to you, that seems more the problem than what she is doing.

She could avoid the issue by saying she was in another room and didn't hear the phone.

Someone did call me a couple of weeks ago. I was watching a movie with my children and I didn't feel like talking but if it had been someone I was in a relationship with I would have answered and told him I was watching a movie with the kids and I would call him when I was done.

But that's because I WANT to talk to him in the first place. Sounds like the OP is one of those people that wants to talk to his SO and share his important little details and it is frustrating to not be able to get in touch with her. She may be a person that isn't really into sharing her little details with anyone at all.

Is this really that big a deal or is it indicative of the energy she is putting into the relationship as a whole and again, how long have you been with this woman?
 9035768
Joined: 9/20/2007
Msg: 32
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:07:10 AM
If they don't want to talk to you that is a red flag.

HOWEVER... You're a dealbreaker to me. I don't date the center of the universe and you clearly believe you are.

To me common courtesy would be if you just do not want to talk at that time to answer the call and say, "can I call you back later I'm doing xyz".

Excuse me? Common courtesy is that I have to defend every second of my life to you? And on YOUR time schedule?
No, hon, common courtesy is allowing people to live their lives and if you want to own someone you need to move to a country that allows that.

It is a phone. Not an emergency. I am not the cops. I am not EMS. I am not CPS. I am not the Fire department. That's why everyone has a ringtone. My drama queen friends have their own ring(that's the one you would have, op). I don'tleave the soapy dog in the tub and run to answer the phone for them. I don't have kids, so the only time I'll drop what I'm doing and run to the phone is if someone has pre-arranged an "OMG" moment. (Mitch is going to help Brenda move out of Dave's house and Dave is a psycho, but not enough of a psycho to require involving the cops.)

You sound like you might argue with her about what is or is not an acceptable reason to not run out of the bathroom and grab the phone. So, yeah, that would be a deal breaker to me. You don't get to demand a response AND I'm allowed to finish a project without defending myself for wanting to OR just rest because I finished a project and don't feel like hearing your drama king whine.

You don't seem to understand it is not my job to defend whatever reason I have for not answering the phone. Why do I have to defend every second of my day?

If you demand a reason for not running for the phone, you're probably the same guy that doesn't like MY reasons. So, yeah, that means I'm not giving you reasons. Just a, "Yeah, I didn't answer the phone, good observation skills, guess I didn't want to talk to you."


But to see your SO call and then call again an hour later and still not answer the phone.

Yeah, if you call a second time and don't leave a message I WILL NOT call you back. Not going to happen. Two calls and no message means you're just looking to stir up drama. There is no other alternative if you're a social relationship and I've given you my phone number. That's why she doesn't answer you the first time.

When my brother died and my mom had to call her ex-husband in Hawaii to tell him, she left a message. She didn't call him 20 times until he answered the phone. She told him it was important and to call her back when he was able. Leave the drama llama in your own yard, don't send it to me.

Same with if you leave the same message twice. I'll email you the next time I'm sitting at home, relaxed and working on personal emails. Just because you are wigging out doesn't mean I have to.

And your not saying good morning at work analogy would be more accurate this way:

You pass someone's desk while they're typing at their desk. You say, "Good morning and they don't respond."

You have NO idea what the person on the other end of the phone is doing AND you are not given the right to know. If the person wishes to share with you they may. If not, you don't deserve to complain.

You should stick to dating drama queens. They'll agree with you about all this.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 33
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:07:19 AM
Well, that is very hurtful. I've never done that. To have someone say they just didn't feel like talking to you is very selfish. I would have to re-evaluate whether to stay in a relationship where I'm taken for granted and easily dismissed. Even if someone doesn't like talking on the phone it's hard to answer the phone and say that they are busy with something and will call you back later.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 34
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:09:26 AM
Ever get the sense that some people are like a rat experiment gone mad where they are conditioned to respond to bells?
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 35
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:14:23 AM
As far as answer machines/voice mails go, I don't think messages should be left on answer machines unless there is something important or urgent.

An absolute pet peeve and turn off of mine is when someone is constantly blowing up my answer machine, without even having anything of importance to say.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 36
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 8:43:12 AM

Ever get the sense that some people are like a rat experiment gone mad where they are conditioned to respond to bells?

NO LIE!!
And I agree with another poster who asked how you KNOW she sees it is you?
And yeah, quite often, when people have just finished doing something else annoying, stressful,tedious,or maybe they just got home from work/a funeral home visitation/helping a sick friend and they feel like their current fatigue, stress, nagativity would spill over into any other conversation entered into RIGHT NOW-and cause even more trouble.
Now, if your SO is standing you up on in-person activities, or breaking dates on short notice, that would be something different.
But refusing to let you reach out and CONTROL through the telephone?
Not so much.
Of course, if your frustration is in fact a symptom of a self-centered/controlling mindset, sooner or later a person who refuses to be servant to the telephone will also resist other control scenarios.
Cindy O
 stayfit4life
Joined: 11/21/2009
Msg: 37
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:02:35 AM
She sounds like someone with a personality disorder. They will usually have that kind of attitude about things, even an SO.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 38
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:09:30 AM
I agree op when you are dealing with this type of scenario/relationship things like " I just didn't feel like answering the phone is not a real good reason to not answer the phone, if she would of said I was stressed about xyz and didn't answer because of that then that's a good reason, I just didn't feel like answering the phone is total BS and I wouldn't even let my friends do that one on me or they would no longer be my friend and they know it too.

I expect some form a reason not just I didn't feel like it however I agree with outmind below as well, first phone call I shrug it off but if its continuously repeated then that's a problem.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 39
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:12:21 AM
Is it JUST the phone? Some people don't like the phone and don't want to talk unless it's productive and they know it'll be brief. That's not necessarily personal - it may just be a preference. When you are together is she the same way about talking to you?

For some reason this reminds me of my mother. Before she moved out of state she'd call me on a Sunday and ask if I was coming for dinner. If I'd had a weekend where I worked two or three gigs, I'd be in no mood to leave the house Sunday. She'd take that as personal to her. I'd say I don't want to go anywhere. She'd say I'm not just anywhere, and on and on. To work with her on this, I offered to cook her dinner to come to my house - to that ironically she'd respond she liked to be home on Sundays...lol. It was just a manipulative thing.

OP - you may be a bit too sensitive about this. Perhaps you both have different phone habits. Maybe you feel talking a lot is part of a relationship, and maybe she feels talking on the phone a long time is unproductive - to her that's a good enough reason and to you it's not. In that case it'd be a shame to end things over something so silly.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 40
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:13:20 AM
Communication is a two way street. If I call and she doesn't answer, if it was something important, I leave a message. If it's not. I may call later, but if she then do not return calls, that is a problem. The thing is that many people cannot be answering the phone when they are at work, or they may be busy with talking with someone else. So as long as it does not become a one sided thing, I don't see a problem with it.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 41
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:40:51 AM
Wow, people feel really strongly about this issue.

Lots of times I don't answer the phone at home. I work in a very "public relations" type of job, an have commitments at least 3 evenings every week, so when I get home sometimes I don't want to see, think about or talk with any person other than my child. Even at the best of times, I don't really enjoy phone conversations.

I do agree with packagedeal post # 47,though. I would think, if you know for a fact she can see your number and is choosing not to answer and talk or tell you she's busy, that's a concern for whether she's really interested in you as a partner.

Nutt
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 42
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:49:15 AM
I didn't read all the posts here but I read quite a few of them.
I guess I can see both sides of this issue.
If you see your significant other in the morning and then
again at night, I have no problem not having contact during
the day.
I can't imagine being with someone that I didn't see on a regular
basis because I didn't live with them or work with them or live
close to them and not wanting to talk to them.

I have caller ID and I often screen my calls, but I rarely refuse
to take a call from someone I consider important in my life.
And if I did choose to not take a call...I certainly wouldn't tell
them I didn't feel like talking to them.

I don't consider it needy to like to hear someone's voice on the
phone.

But to each their own.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 43
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:54:00 AM
I look at it like this, the phone rings I see it's my SO and say to myself "**** her, I'll call back when I feel like it" and then expect her to be okay with that. I see it as rude behavior.


I'm assuming the asterisks stand for "Fawk her, I'll call back when I feel like it"??

The above-mentioned example is showing no respect for your partner (if one uses the thought process/verbiage above). However, if you are having a crisis, etc...I don't see anything wrong with taking care of your business and then calling them back. So as long as you aren't guilty of doing this more often than not (for kicks).

If you leave a message, wait until they return the call. Don't blow up the phone calling again and again.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 44
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:03:41 AM
Ever get the sense that some people are like a rat experiment gone mad where they are conditioned to respond to bells?

I have to laugh at this. I guess some of us become desensitized to the noise and some react to it constantly.

I have friends like myself where when we get together the phones either get left in the car, placed on silent or at least get put on vibrate (which honestly isn't much better than a ring sometimes). When we go dancing the phones go in back pockets or purses or stay in the car. There are things we like to do that are just areas phones don't get used. We want to spend our time enjoying whatever it is we're doing without distraction.

I have other friends who when we get together they are checking every text, every call, every e-mail that comes in. I have friends who will pull a blackberry out in the middle of a dance floor and start writing/reading e-mail, or who will respond to stuff while on a treadmill. I have a friend who will make calls while walking her dog at the park. That's just nuts to me - but to each their own.

I'm not big on phones and I almost always screen. There are times I don't feel like being on a phone no matter what; other time where I will talk on the phone so long as there's a reason. When I get a call and I say "what's up?" when answering it's not a rhetorical question. In a nice way I'm asking what you want, or why you're calling. Getting the response "not much, what's up with you?" is annoying.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 45
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:38:50 AM
I can't imagine not answering the phone when my SO called and I can't imagine being with someone who didn't answer.

People of quality in good relationships don't treat each other like this.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 46
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:46:19 AM
The truth of the matter is even if when we can't pick up the phone or don't feel like it, if we were to pick up and say "I'm sorry I don't feel like talking right now", there would be a ton of hurt feelings no matter how much anyone would deny this. Most likely you would get responses like this to "I don't feel like talking".....

But why?Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me? Come on just talk to me for a minute(meanwhile an hour later....),you must not love me if you don't want to talk to me every single second of every single day,something must be wrong with you if you don't want to talk so tell me what it is(they berate you for an hour despite your protest that nothing is wrong) etc...

That is the most likely response you would get to answering the phone when you are busy or don't feel like chatting. I personally hate the phone and hate talking on the thing. I suppose that comes from when I did telemarketing for so many years, but even before that I hated talking to a disembodied voice no matter who it was. Not all of us are chatty Cathy phone people.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 47
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:56:33 AM
I think post 71 and 73 and several of you are missing the point. It's not about not answering phone because you were out at work or something. It is about not answering the phone because you just didn't feel like picking it up and you didn't give a better reason other than I just didn't feel like picking it up, as I said I think that is total BS,
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 48
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:59:52 AM
It's rarely a problem. No answer? Leave a message asking her to call back when she can. I won't sit around waiting - I'll find something to do. If I can, I'll answer her call when she calls, else I will when I am able. Occasionally we'll miss each other a few times.

However, if I don't get a call back within a couple of days, I may start looking for a new g/f who actually wants to talk with me!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 49
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:00:54 AM
I don't think it's rude. I think it indicates that she is averse to having someone be able to control her life by calling her.
IMO, you are entirely wrong to believe that this is rudeness, or some other negative trait in her. Sometimes my mom calls me, and I don't answer, because I'm not in the right frame of mind to speak to her. I check my messages after she calls, to make sure there's no emergency.
It's quite possible you are a control freak, to some degree, if you expect your SO to answer the phone purely working on YOUR schedule. I consider your demands about it to be VERY rude behavior.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 50
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:01:18 AM
If I don't feel like answering the phone...I don't...that's what my voice mail is for...to
take messages. I don't feel the need to defend myself about not answering nor do
I get into conversations about not wanting to talk. That's the beauty of caller ID
and voice mail.
However, I still can't imagine not taking a call from my significant other.
You don't have to be a chatty cathy phone person to say I just wanted to say
hello.

It doesn't seem to me there is a right or a wrong here...but people are answering
to extremes. A simple middle ground works for me.
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