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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 * Eva *
Joined: 2/11/2010
Msg: 51
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?Page 3 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

if someone is the type to feel dismissed or taken for granted because someone didn't answer the phone for them..... they are most likely going to feel the same way, dismissed & taken for granted, with any excuse one would give them for why thay couldn't or didn't want to talk at the moment.



Nicci, I couldn't agree more!
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 52
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:09:30 AM
I agree op when you are dealing with this type of scenario/relationship things like " I just didn't feel like answering the phone is not a real good reason to not answer the phone, if she would of said I was stressed about xyz and didn't answer because of that then that's a good reason, I just didn't feel like answering the phone is total BS and I wouldn't even let my friends do that one on me or they would no longer be my friend and they know it too.

I expect some form a reason not just I didn't feel like it however I agree with outmind below as well, first phone call I shrug it off but if its continuously repeated then that's a problem.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 53
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:12:21 AM
Is it JUST the phone? Some people don't like the phone and don't want to talk unless it's productive and they know it'll be brief. That's not necessarily personal - it may just be a preference. When you are together is she the same way about talking to you?

For some reason this reminds me of my mother. Before she moved out of state she'd call me on a Sunday and ask if I was coming for dinner. If I'd had a weekend where I worked two or three gigs, I'd be in no mood to leave the house Sunday. She'd take that as personal to her. I'd say I don't want to go anywhere. She'd say I'm not just anywhere, and on and on. To work with her on this, I offered to cook her dinner to come to my house - to that ironically she'd respond she liked to be home on Sundays...lol. It was just a manipulative thing.

OP - you may be a bit too sensitive about this. Perhaps you both have different phone habits. Maybe you feel talking a lot is part of a relationship, and maybe she feels talking on the phone a long time is unproductive - to her that's a good enough reason and to you it's not. In that case it'd be a shame to end things over something so silly.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 54
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:13:20 AM
Communication is a two way street. If I call and she doesn't answer, if it was something important, I leave a message. If it's not. I may call later, but if she then do not return calls, that is a problem. The thing is that many people cannot be answering the phone when they are at work, or they may be busy with talking with someone else. So as long as it does not become a one sided thing, I don't see a problem with it.
 ChocolateNutt
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 55
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:40:51 AM
Wow, people feel really strongly about this issue.

Lots of times I don't answer the phone at home. I work in a very "public relations" type of job, an have commitments at least 3 evenings every week, so when I get home sometimes I don't want to see, think about or talk with any person other than my child. Even at the best of times, I don't really enjoy phone conversations.

I do agree with packagedeal post # 47,though. I would think, if you know for a fact she can see your number and is choosing not to answer and talk or tell you she's busy, that's a concern for whether she's really interested in you as a partner.

Nutt
 BBQ Spider
Joined: 11/9/2009
Msg: 56
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:41:43 AM
This sounds a lot like a woman whose phone preferences are different from yours. I hate to say it so plainly, but you seem to be missing it.

I think credit should be given for being honest about it, instead of lying as many would "oh, sorry, didn't hear it ringing."

I also think, if this is early stages of a relationship, it's a relatively minor matter that can be negotiated with effective direct communication about it.

My B/F and immediate family are a top priority and their calls make it through where many do not.

But when my phone rings, I know who of my beloveds will or will not let me go, if I say "I'm in the middle of something, can I call you right back." Also I know who of them would be offended at the very idea of me asking that; and who will NOT let me off the hook (so to speak) until s/he has said all s/he called to say, unless I outright hang up. Which I will not do. So I just don't pick it up.

I do my screening according to their phone habits, not according to how much I love them or their importance to me in my life.

p.s. Usually these type questions come more from inexperienced daters, and less from selfless people who are honest, up front, and not afraid to ask for what they want -- puzzling if you'd be considering it a possible deal breaker without having informed her of how important it is to you?

edit: post # 14 is precious and should go down in the POF hall of fame if there is one.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 57
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:49:15 AM
I didn't read all the posts here but I read quite a few of them.
I guess I can see both sides of this issue.
If you see your significant other in the morning and then
again at night, I have no problem not having contact during
the day.
I can't imagine being with someone that I didn't see on a regular
basis because I didn't live with them or work with them or live
close to them and not wanting to talk to them.

I have caller ID and I often screen my calls, but I rarely refuse
to take a call from someone I consider important in my life.
And if I did choose to not take a call...I certainly wouldn't tell
them I didn't feel like talking to them.

I don't consider it needy to like to hear someone's voice on the
phone.

But to each their own.
 Sabrosura089
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 58
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 9:54:00 AM
I look at it like this, the phone rings I see it's my SO and say to myself "**** her, I'll call back when I feel like it" and then expect her to be okay with that. I see it as rude behavior.


I'm assuming the asterisks stand for "Fawk her, I'll call back when I feel like it"??

The above-mentioned example is showing no respect for your partner (if one uses the thought process/verbiage above). However, if you are having a crisis, etc...I don't see anything wrong with taking care of your business and then calling them back. So as long as you aren't guilty of doing this more often than not (for kicks).

If you leave a message, wait until they return the call. Don't blow up the phone calling again and again.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 59
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:03:41 AM
Ever get the sense that some people are like a rat experiment gone mad where they are conditioned to respond to bells?

I have to laugh at this. I guess some of us become desensitized to the noise and some react to it constantly.

I have friends like myself where when we get together the phones either get left in the car, placed on silent or at least get put on vibrate (which honestly isn't much better than a ring sometimes). When we go dancing the phones go in back pockets or purses or stay in the car. There are things we like to do that are just areas phones don't get used. We want to spend our time enjoying whatever it is we're doing without distraction.

I have other friends who when we get together they are checking every text, every call, every e-mail that comes in. I have friends who will pull a blackberry out in the middle of a dance floor and start writing/reading e-mail, or who will respond to stuff while on a treadmill. I have a friend who will make calls while walking her dog at the park. That's just nuts to me - but to each their own.

I'm not big on phones and I almost always screen. There are times I don't feel like being on a phone no matter what; other time where I will talk on the phone so long as there's a reason. When I get a call and I say "what's up?" when answering it's not a rhetorical question. In a nice way I'm asking what you want, or why you're calling. Getting the response "not much, what's up with you?" is annoying.
 SassySky
Joined: 9/26/2008
Msg: 60
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:06:35 AM
WOW...so many strong opinions in here on phone habits.

OP if you feel this strongly then you need to express this to her in a nonconfrontational way.

Truthfully, I am one that after a very long day... Sometimes I just don't have anything to say..Even listening to someone else is going to stress me more. I have ignored my phone whether it is a S/O, family member, etc. The only calls I don't ignore are work related in my field I can't. Period.

I was in a relatinship a while back, he would call me at least 6x day...I would try to tell him, I just need some absolute quiet time.. Then he would start in with okay but it is me.. you can tell me anything etc.... I had nothing to tell, I was exhausted etc.. It got to the point if I just didn't have anything to say and needed that me time. I would let it ring. Because I needed that down time,, and didn't feel I had to explain it each and everytime. Now if a message was left and said it was important I would call back. The problem with that became... I just had a bad day and needed to hear your voice, that is only going to work maybe once a week.

You talk about respect okay agreed, what about the repsect that your s/o needs some space.

If you can't talk about this and work something out that is a win win situation for both of you then I see a ending of relationship.
 Vicshe
Joined: 5/18/2009
Msg: 61
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:17:29 AM
OP didn't say she said she didn't feel like talking *to him* -- just that she didn't feel like talking. And, OP, the fact that she tells you this might be her way of saying that she doesn't like to talk on the phone so much and doesn't feel she needs to come up with any excuse not to answer. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't like talking to you.


If anybody makes multiple calls to me in a short period, the caller better have some time-sensitive reason for it. I guess I should also ask if you're leaving a message after the first call? I know some people think that calling and hanging up necessitates a return call. But I'm not one who checks my missed calls since it's my assumption that if someone wants me to call back, they'll leave a message.

Ditto. A ringing phone, to me, is an alert that somebody would like to talk to me. I do not feel compelled to pick up the phone at that moment, and I do not feel I'm being rude by not answering. I'll check my messages and return calls at a convenient time. I appreciate people who understand that and leave one message and don't whine about "Why didn't you pick up??!" I might be doing nothing at all but being alone with my thoughts. I don't need a reason that meets with your approval. Others are equally free not to pick up their phones when I call, as well. I don't take it as a personal affront. A ringing phone can be the same as a ringing doorbell when you're not expecting anyone: not a good time.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 62
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History
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:38:50 AM
I can't imagine not answering the phone when my SO called and I can't imagine being with someone who didn't answer.

People of quality in good relationships don't treat each other like this.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 63
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:46:19 AM
The truth of the matter is even if when we can't pick up the phone or don't feel like it, if we were to pick up and say "I'm sorry I don't feel like talking right now", there would be a ton of hurt feelings no matter how much anyone would deny this. Most likely you would get responses like this to "I don't feel like talking".....

But why?Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me? Come on just talk to me for a minute(meanwhile an hour later....),you must not love me if you don't want to talk to me every single second of every single day,something must be wrong with you if you don't want to talk so tell me what it is(they berate you for an hour despite your protest that nothing is wrong) etc...

That is the most likely response you would get to answering the phone when you are busy or don't feel like chatting. I personally hate the phone and hate talking on the thing. I suppose that comes from when I did telemarketing for so many years, but even before that I hated talking to a disembodied voice no matter who it was. Not all of us are chatty Cathy phone people.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 64
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:56:33 AM
I think post 71 and 73 and several of you are missing the point. It's not about not answering phone because you were out at work or something. It is about not answering the phone because you just didn't feel like picking it up and you didn't give a better reason other than I just didn't feel like picking it up, as I said I think that is total BS,
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 65
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 10:59:52 AM
It's rarely a problem. No answer? Leave a message asking her to call back when she can. I won't sit around waiting - I'll find something to do. If I can, I'll answer her call when she calls, else I will when I am able. Occasionally we'll miss each other a few times.

However, if I don't get a call back within a couple of days, I may start looking for a new g/f who actually wants to talk with me!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 66
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:00:54 AM
I don't think it's rude. I think it indicates that she is averse to having someone be able to control her life by calling her.
IMO, you are entirely wrong to believe that this is rudeness, or some other negative trait in her. Sometimes my mom calls me, and I don't answer, because I'm not in the right frame of mind to speak to her. I check my messages after she calls, to make sure there's no emergency.
It's quite possible you are a control freak, to some degree, if you expect your SO to answer the phone purely working on YOUR schedule. I consider your demands about it to be VERY rude behavior.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 67
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:01:18 AM
If I don't feel like answering the phone...I don't...that's what my voice mail is for...to
take messages. I don't feel the need to defend myself about not answering nor do
I get into conversations about not wanting to talk. That's the beauty of caller ID
and voice mail.
However, I still can't imagine not taking a call from my significant other.
You don't have to be a chatty cathy phone person to say I just wanted to say
hello.

It doesn't seem to me there is a right or a wrong here...but people are answering
to extremes. A simple middle ground works for me.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 68
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:03:15 AM
My question is, why do you feel that there is the necessity for providing you with a reason for not picking up the phone? You wouldn't be satisfied with the answer because you feel it's mandatory that when you call it be answered or your sensibilities will be offended. You're not entitled to a "reason" - accept the fact that you don't have to be joined at the hip and have someone jump to every little bell you ring.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 69
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:04:59 AM
It is about not answering the phone because you just didn't feel like picking it up and you didn't give a better reason other than I just didn't feel like picking it up, as I said I think that is total BS,

Back to projection. Just because you think that's BS doesn't mean it is. There doesn't have to be a thing you're doing that prevents you from answering a phone. If you don't feel like talking on the phone it doesn't matter who's calling. People have an absolute right to look at the phone and decide they don't want to be on it at that time. No reason is required. Now you may not like that, but it is what it is.

Again there's no sense of live and let live on these forums. All who see it a certain way need to realize that's THEIR perception of it, and should they have an SO who doesn't agree it doesn't make them wrong. It makes them of a different preference.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 70
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Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:15:43 AM

To me common courtesy would be if you just do not want to talk at that time to answer the call and say, "can I call you back later I'm doing xyz".
I don't know about you all, but I don't carry my phone on me 24/7/365. When I do, it's on vibrate--half the time I don't notice that it's vibrating when a call or a text arrives. My cell account is pay-as-you-go because I'm not using it enough to warrant a $40/month cell phone subscription, as I don't like yakking on the phone at all--I use my phone for emergencies, making calls when I want to, and answering it when I feel like it when it is on me. I do answer calls when I know they are coming in--texting is a great device to get me to make an appointment to answer the phone if you want to speak to me. Hell, I can't remember the last time I checked my voicemail--since I'm charged per minute everytime I enter my voicemail, I don't go in there unless I know the message is important.

So I think the OP might be projecting somewhat regarding why someone is "deliberately" ignoring incoming calls.
 Apollodorus
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 71
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:20:57 AM

Back to projection. Just because you think that's BS doesn't mean it is


True it may not be BS to someone else but it is BS to me and my point was I wouldn't let it happen ever and anyone in a relationship with me will know this and if it does happen they would be history whether it be a friend or SO because that's just rude.

What that tells me is that they really don't give a crap about me and hold me in low regard, so why should I be around someone that puts me so low on the importance scale.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 72
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:21:05 AM
you didn't give a better reason other than I just didn't feel like picking it up,



What is a better reason then I am not in the mood to talk right now? Not everyone feels like having a phone attached to their head. Sometimes we just want to watch our favorite show without trying to carry on a conversation at the same time and missing the entire show because someone is droning in our ear, sometimes we just want to read and enjoy a book without having to carry on a conversation at the same time, sometimes we just want to nap after a hard day and not have to talk on the phone. There may even be times when we don't want to talk because we are trying to eat dinner and would like to do so without trying to talk and possibly choke ourselves at the same time.There are times when we would just like to soak in the tub for an hour relaxing and being lazy while listening to music while we think about nothing,Sometimes we would rather not spend an hour trying to convince someone that no nothing is wrong,we still love them and I just don't feel like talking right now,Sometime we just had a fight with our boss, friend, cousin, neighbor,sister, mother etc... and don't feel like talking because we really need to think about and mentally digest the argument.


The better question would be why do you feel so entitled that someone must pick up the phone the second you call and must be waiting with bated breath ever single second for your call? Why are they not allowed to not feel like talking on the phone? Why in your world are they not allowed a life and thoughts outside of you? If it is such an emergency then why can't you leave a message or call 911? Of all of the times that I have had true health emergencies I have called the ambulance, not a boyfriend. The paramedics could save my life,give me medicine and get me to the hospital, a boyfriend can't.


Most normal people like some alone time and need some time during the day to wind down. You can't be alone and unwind when you have a phone attached to your head. Honestly the phone has become such an annoying thing in this day and age. I refuse to even have a cell phone or caller id because it is such a pain in the behind. You can't even meet someone for a coffee anymore without them taking 15 calls on their darn cell phone during your date. Unless you are running a country then you don't need to be answering every single ring on your cell phone out in public. Believe it or not parents could still get in touch with their kids before cell phones were invented. Phone booths are still everywhere and any parent worth their salt will leave information of where they will be with a babysitter when they go out.
 Diagoro
Joined: 2/11/2010
Msg: 73
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:22:09 AM
IMO, not picking up the phone isn't necessarily rude, but her telling you that she just didn't feel like talking... now, that is rude. All she had to do is tell you that she was busy doing whatever she was doing the next time you guys talked. A lot of time when I call people I ask them what they are up to and they say, "nothing....". Well, that's an impossibility, thanks! I mean, everybody is always doing something every moment of their life, even if they're just laying around staring at the ceiling... LOL. All she has to do is say, "I didn't pick up, because I was in the middle of something...".

If she's worth being your SO, then should ask her to adapt her behavior. Don't expect her to pick up every time, but the least she can do is be more respectful when she doesn't pick up.

-D.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 74
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:22:42 AM

It is about not answering the phone because you just didn't feel like picking it up

many of us feel that WE are the ones that control the phone, not that the phone and whoever is on the other end controls US.

There might be any number of good reasons that someone doesn't want to interrupt what they are doing, what they are thinking, what they are about to do, to carry on a social conversation. And since this is not a case of one person OWNING the other one, why should the person who doesn't want to drop everything to answer the phone RIGHT NOW, have to give a minute and detailed explanation about why this is not a good time to have a chitchat. Perhaps the nonresponding telephonee just butted heads with a service person, business entity or family member and is mad at the whole wide world right at the moment?
And then there are people who just plain don't LIKE long phone conversations, or need some "recharge" time.
Again, if the OP was calling and leaving a nessage about an emergency that were being ignored, or the gf was cancelling dates/standing him up, that would be a different story. But to refuse to be cowed into obeying a ringing phone when they have no reason to believe it's an emergency or urgent situation?
I'm sure that most of us with time management requirements/preferences to deal with phone calls at OUR convenience, have ended up spending more time dealing with an affronted caller who started PROBING when told "can't talk right now" than we could spare.
IMO, unless there is more sh*t going on, this woman's sense of personal boundaries and control of her time/environment are NOT dealbreakers.
But someone who needs or wants to FIND a dealbreaker can find one anywhere, I guess.
Cindy O
 FourmProfile
Joined: 2/18/2010
Msg: 75
Is it a deal breaker someone does not answer the phone?
Posted: 2/24/2010 11:23:25 AM

if it does happen they would be history whether it be a friend or SO

Methinks you have issues that extend well beyond this one....
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