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 EGJV
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 23
Learning to not go for the AssholesPage 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I think it's very commendable that OP wants to learn this. Thumbs up! Spare yourself baggage, misery and wastes of time.

I would say you need to be very clear on what you want - what you'd like to share with your partner, what you envision doing together, what expectations you have and what expectations he might have. Take into account trust, fidelity, sex, social interactions, money, etc. You have to have a game plan, otherwise there's a lot more probability of misunderstanding. And forget bullshit criteria like who's hot, popular, etc. Find a guy you like because you can trust, not because he's exciting (I say that because I think there's no0 such thing as an exciting guy - it's YOU getting excited).

Also, I'm glad at least SOME people recognize the "fall for ***hole" phenomenon instead of explaining it away with weak sauce.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 25
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 2/25/2010 1:45:27 PM
I have to agree with the posters who have mentioned making the first move. Take a look at the "friend zone" again in a new light. Come to think of it, that's what I did with my ex. He's what could be termed a "nice guy" and he never would've made a move had I not due to shyness.
 tuktuk55
Joined: 9/18/2008
Msg: 28
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 2/25/2010 4:36:27 PM
there is a theory based on evolutionary psychology which speaks to this; had to do with certain (personality) traits suggesting a propensity for adventurousness, daring, risk taking etc being unconsciously attractive to females (ie, men like that might be good providers / protectors)...but the "exciting" aspect of it also seems to be germaine. in any event, the thinking was those men tend to be jerks too. i might have slaughtered the theory, but that was my recollection

RE root causes - id throw "bad judgment" up there too, and/or possibly straight up self destructive behavior

in any event, would be a shame to let it morph into some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy ("i only like bad boys" = you only get bad boys, whatever the term "bad boys" means)
 vapeninsula
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 29
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 2/25/2010 4:38:45 PM
I know what you mean brother, and I think you've described something more than a theory. The woman that you've described will probably be the first to criticize your theory.
 misszmsz
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 32
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 2/25/2010 7:17:31 PM
Bliss - you are so right on.

Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable always. Expect to be treated well with kindness and sincerity, by all, not just men. Some women are a$$holes too.

Act like the guy is a girlfriend, would you let her treat you like an ***hole when you two hang out? You probably would not be friends if she did. A guy is no different.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 38
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 2/26/2010 6:24:07 PM
I have to agree with the posters who have mentioned making the first move.

Me too. I avoid all kinds of crap by approaching the men I like and avoiding the ones who approach me. I tend to be a tad challenging to approach, so the men who do (easily) approach anyway either enjoy the challenge or approach for sport - neither of those are of any use to me.

Once I started talking to the men I liked first, my results did a total 180.

Of course you can't do all the work, you have to make conversation and then stand back and make sure the guy you're talking to is interested and not just polite or too passive (that's no good either) but things look a lot better once you step off the wall.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 41
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 2/26/2010 7:34:36 PM

Judging by your looks... you won't get the kind of guy you want.

I don't even know where to begin responding to a comment like this. LOL...just...wow.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 45
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 2/27/2010 2:27:51 PM
OP, I suggest you start thinking about the type of guy you would like to marry and have children with, assuming that you do want those things, and sort of do a regression analysis to what you think that type of guy would be doing now.

I tell my daughter that she is better off finding a boy who does well in school, is involved in sports or other activities, that has a family that isn't a massively dysfunctional nightmare, etc. because that is the guy who is going to college or will have some other type of goal for his future, will treat you well and be more likely to be responsible as husband and father. Why risk falling for the guy that isn't ever going anywhere by hooking up with a loser in terms of school and everything else because he is hot, gak.

It's a funny thing, I was raised in the church but not a very religious family at all, but when I found myself married with children and wanting my children exposed to another source of positive messages about the type of people they wanted to be, it was a very unpleasant experience sitting in that pew without my husband next to me.

My point is that many people your age are into partying, etc. which is fine but they don't think about the things that might be important to them later on, that was one of them for me so my other question is where would you meet the type of guy that you want. Also a good father, would he be the guy that did his volunteer requirements at school doing something working with kids?

Realistically, you ARE looking for the type of guy you would be friends with. You look for a guy you are attracted to with the qualities that you would want in a friend and you are usually on a better track for the guy being a decent guy than if you are just choosing based on hormones alone. You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat their friends, their family, and the other people they come into contact with on a regular basis. If they treat others like crap, it is highly likely you will be added to the list.
 Strings6
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 46
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 2/28/2010 4:29:07 AM
One tactic they often use is to let you think you are winning and in control when you are not...you say you have "won" him over yet he still acts the way he does......so you have an ***hole in your life and think you are ahead of the game...oh well,guess you are in the hands of a professional.
 EGJV
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 49
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 2/28/2010 8:15:50 PM

I see right through him. Right through the bullshit.


And you love to smother in it. Please don't ever break up! The world is well rid of both of you. Best happy wishes.
 Ms Horse Fan
Joined: 6/2/2007
Msg: 54
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 3/18/2010 9:53:06 PM
NICE GUYS DON'T TRIGGER ATTRACTION, THEY BORE YOU. THE BEST THING IS DON'T HAVE SEX FOR A VERY LONG TIME, BECAUSE YOU WILL BE STUCK WITH THEM SHOULD YOU BECOME PREGGERS. FOOD 4 THOUGHT.
 Legal sized fish
Joined: 11/16/2009
Msg: 58
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 3/19/2010 9:35:02 AM
The funny thing here is she thinks she sees right through him. My money is on the fact that she sees what he wants her to see and odds are that its only the tip of the iceberg.

But keep telling yourself that you've got it under control. Whatever helps you sleep at night.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 62
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 3/19/2010 2:08:30 PM
girls your age frequently use '***hole' to describe a boy who doesn't return their affection. do you see the point?

sorry, there isn't much here anyone can tell you about how to get what you want. you'll have to be shown, as we all do. which means rerunning the cycle until you realize putting the blame and responsibility on others and expecting them to conform to your desires doesn't change anything. the only change you can expect is in yourself. believe it or not, when you make changes inside, the world outside becomes a different place.
 LongAfterDark
Joined: 5/17/2008
Msg: 63
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 3/19/2010 2:37:37 PM
if there's no chemistry with nice guys then there's no chemistry. You can't do anything about that. I'd say be patient and do some growing up. going for guys that you know are no good for you is a sign you're still too immature to have a truly positive relationship.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 67
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 3/20/2010 10:46:26 AM
I have heard this logic >"you can make a man, or break a man" I presumed this apply's also to >you can make an ***hole man or a nice man, by how you connect with him ..

Is this true guys ????? I've never met an *** hole yet.. I need some feed back here. Vannili
 motownmaniax
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 74
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 3/21/2010 2:02:42 PM
Msg 26: I've known guy friends of mine who are players and carry the whole alpha male persona. They talk a big game and it gets them results. But trust me, some of these guys have huge insecurities and baggage that's just buried very deep. Unfortunately, a lot of girls interpret chest beating, rudeness, and cruelty for inner confidence, self-actualization, and ability to provide (a man isn't such a great provider if he's struggling to pay child support for 5 different women he's impregnated and left).


Much to agree with in this post. Not all confident men and women are arrogant idiots with hidden dysfunctions, but I discovered through life experience this simple precept:

The higher a person's decibel level (meaning outwardly "confident", loud, strong personalities), the higher the chance they're hiding some deep flaws and personality disorders.

Confidence doesn't need to translate into conceit, superiority, and ego. It can be conveyed just as well with humility, modesty, and self-deprecating humor. Now, whether any of us are worthy of this type only the individual can answer....lol.
 liam6369
Joined: 2/4/2009
Msg: 78
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 3/21/2010 4:25:40 PM
Do the opposite, give the nice guy the chance to prove himself. You can go wrong. Also, you might have some self-steem issues. Take charge of the situation!
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 79
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 10/9/2010 12:05:02 PM
I just figure that most gals that go for ***hole dudes and not normal guys do so, because they really don't feel worthy of a normal relationship with a normal guy...

and likely they are not....
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 90
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 10/15/2010 8:03:47 PM

i have been on POF for well over a year and haven't even gotten past a few messages because every women i talk to never want to talk back..........ever!


I am the shy nice guy

That is why. Especially if you think that's somehow a "good" thing.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 91
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 10/15/2010 8:25:49 PM

from 15-18 i was quite shy a really "nice" guy did exactly what your mum would tell me women are looking for and wanting, ask me bout my sex life then, absolutely zero virgin till i hit 18 which is when i lost my virginity in a drunk one night stand and found out women like complete ass holes more than they will admit.

Or maybe women just prefer guys who are legal... which they will admit. But thanks for the chuckle in your conclusion as to why a 15-year-old had difficulty getting laid.


I am the shy nice guy and i have friends that can VOUCH on my behalf and back me up on this

I'm confused... would you consider this sort of vouching to be a compliment?
 DemonLeather
Joined: 8/10/2007
Msg: 94
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 10/20/2010 3:56:19 PM
Hey.. there's A-Ho' Girls too!..Lemme tell ya,.. I get ALL of them! Bad-Boys get all the curious "I wander what a bad-boys like" type.. there out fer only ONE thing,..Then >POOF< gone,.. Tellin' all their friends about your "intimate moments" You're spread around the water cooler & the ladies room,.. Next thing you know,. here come her friends,.. trying to get all up in your pants like you're the next porter-house tube steak. It's hard,.. there's no respect, just meat,.. a play thing,toying with your emotions,.. needs,.. it hurts...
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 97
Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 10/20/2010 8:13:08 PM
You are attracted to who you are attracted. Many women do like the bad boys. Who end up the ***holes when 3 months later you expect them to change but they still act same way. The thing about it is that you should stop complaining and get used to it. You are attracted to that and it wont change. Regardless what everyone says im sure you can pick up on a bad boy vibe on the first date. But you just like his company and thats why you keep dating him. You wont change him or your self. Enjoy the wild ride as nothing else would do for you. You are not the only woman out there that dates only the bad boys and complain about it none stop. Just to do it yet again.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 98
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 10/23/2010 10:08:12 AM
There is no such thing as an AZZhole guys or (gals)..

They react on how you treated them and what you expect on their persona, there is some truth about this > Birds with the same feathers flock together.. And don't forget that others mirrored you.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 99
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Learning to not go for the Assholes
Posted: 10/23/2010 8:29:42 PM
No human being wants to be treated like s.hit. Some nice guys turn into *** holes ,when treated like an ***hole and some Lowlife (***holes) men when treated with kindness and respect they turn into a nice guy and that is a fact.
Action and interaction is cause and effect.
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