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Joined: 12/31/2009
Msg: 91
R*pe is ruining my sex lifePage 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I think you should make a man marry you first, that would solve a lot of your problems.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 92
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 2/28/2010 8:23:24 AM
Your advice for the OP to "get a lot of information and even experience about 12-Step programs by observing a family member or close friend participate..."

Apparently reading comprehension is not YOUR strong suggestion was that the poster YOU are tearing down for having some knowledge of 12 step programs, might have gained that knowledge by being a close witness to a friend or family member's experiences. I did not offer any advice to the OP regarding "observation of a family member or close friend's participation."
I might mention that most 12 step programs I've ever known of offer support groups for SOs & family. Though I suppose you would consider the opinion of anybody who'd ever had a loved one battle addiction,as also invalid.
Anyway, all that is beside the point except to make it crystal clear that I DID NOT suggest that the OP delay or sidetrack her own healing process for one more minute by "observing" jack sh*t. My advice to her was to seek knowledgeable help, and SUGGESTED that her own Dr, the police information service, or the local hospital ER might have some guidance for rape survivor support.
If your phobia of 12 step programs wasn't interfering with your reading comprehension, you would realize that the only advice I gave directly to the OP was to seek help from a trained and qualified source,which is pretty much what about 98% of the other posters did,as well.
I mentioned "observation of someone close,(paraphrase here)or professional experience with 12 step programs" as a reminder that unless you personally KNOW the poster who defended them, making insinuations about his truthfulness and credibility are certainly adding very little to the topic...which is to offer support and suggestions to a rape survivor who is struggling with bouts of sexual dysfunction.
One final thought...while I certainly am no authority on 12 step programs, it's always been MY impression that 12 step programs were meant to support people struggling with ADDICTIONS. The OP's issue is trauma. So why did YOU even bring 12 step programs into this discussion?
Got agenda?
Cindy O
Joined: 11/13/2009
Msg: 93
view profile
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 2/28/2010 10:54:00 AM
Whoa, gentlemen!

Women who have been raped react in different ways- and it doesn't matter how many times you've been raped, it doesn't mean you're "not kosher"! I think it's also rather unfair to internet diagnose someone with bipolar while at the same time refusing to believe they were raped. How can you tell one thing and also tell that another is false? Over the internet?

In the interests of being fair, is there some post from the OP I've missed that's caused this sudden turn-around? Because I'm seriously not seeing it.

OP- I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm glad you're looking into getting help. And don't worry if your psychologist bugs you. From what I understand of such processes, psychologists bug you by the very nature of their work- stirring up things that make you feel uncomfortable, angry, miserable, etc. I've not personally been in therapy but those I've spoken to have told me that when a person is in therapy they usually go through a period of feeling worse before they start to feel better- as humans our nature is to avoid mental pain, often by ignoring or pushing away negative memories/thoughts- therapy brings these to the fore so they can be thrashed to death and put aside, and that's gotta hurt for a bit. Kind of like an extreme version of the band-aid effect.

Good luck.
Joined: 9/19/2009
Msg: 94
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 2/28/2010 10:56:18 AM
Im sorry this happened but you don't need any of those self proclaimed Dr. , to help you sorry to say but you will eather get over it or and it is probably that you will suffer a mental block for the rest of your life. This Doesn't mean you can't live a happy life it just means you will never reach your full potential. So find a loving person and stay with them and get through life as happy as you can be. there is someone out there who you can express your sexual desires with freely. Sex can and for many is a beautiful thing that people share with one another!!!
Joined: 6/30/2007
Msg: 95
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 2/28/2010 1:21:04 PM
One of the things that seems to work best in this life is to do the things that need to be done before moving on to other things.

It sounds to me that what you need to do is work out the issues of these two rapes, and become emotionally and physically well before trying to begin another kind of relationship with some other person. Once you are well and able to resolve those things in your heart and mind, you will be able to move on to a new and healthy relationship with someone that is worthy of your trust and love.

Well, that's what I think anyway......
Joined: 5/11/2009
Msg: 96
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 2/28/2010 10:32:35 PM
OMG, sweetheart, I am so sorry. Please, for your own sake, get alot of help in therapy. You can for a start. Do this fast, your life is too precious to let the ravages of past experiences, rob you of serenity...
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 97
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 2/28/2010 11:05:03 PM
Don't completely discount the possibility of medications. Anxiety meds could absolutely help.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I was date raped last fall by a guy I had met on a dating site. It hasn't affected my ability to enjoy sex at least, but it has affected me in other ways. It sucks. And it messes with your head. I see a therapist anyway, but it took months for me to even tell him. Keep trying to find a counselor or therapist you are comfortable with. There are some who specialize in this.
Joined: 1/17/2010
Msg: 98
view profile
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 3/1/2010 1:37:53 AM
I've been to theropy for it and that really helped. If possible id say that is probably best. I know that it makes everytime seem horrible right now but it is something that u can and need to overcome. Its scary at first but you will feel a wait off of ur chest just telling someone really what happend. Then u can work on being able to get close to someone without the anxiaty. You will eventually find the things about sex that you like and will be able to emotionaly grow with your partner.
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 100
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 3/1/2010 9:30:58 AM
Everyone reacts to things differently. There is not a rule in some book somewhere that states how one deals with this and if they react differently then they are a liar!
That is disgusting and actually sickens me.

I doubt you are the only one experiencing this reaction.
however, in the interest of fair and equal compassion, you have to realize that ONE of the less positive reasons SOME PEOPLE...and that DEFINITELY extends to males-wind up on dating sites is because of their own undealt-with damage. While not denying/excluding women's unhealed anger, I have to say that this accounts for the "hit and run" men, the gamers, the abusers, the date-rapists seem to come out of the woodwork on dating sites. I cannot say that(thus far) I personally have experienced any of these negative scenariops, but maybe that's just age-related "street smarts"...and discovering some message boards/discussion forums about online dating. has made me way LESS reliant on dating sites.

The point of this thread was not to gain attention but was to simply ask for help from those who have been in my position, survivors, who could help in some way so that i can get things sorted

While I haven't been a direct experient of this kind of assault and trauma, I've been called on to help friends or family members who have.

It isnt much to ask to want to feel normal again is it?

And might I suggest, since you've twice survived this type of attack(which has NOTHING-absolutely nothing to do with sex and everything to do with pathological male anger and desire to humiliate), that a course in self defense would certainly be one of the things on your 'to-do' list. These courses focus a lot on heightened awareness, staying calm and losing all reluctance to hurt someone who is trying to hurt you! Not so much about administering a good beating to someone, however much it might be needed. It's about survival.
Please, keep us posted on your progress if you are comfortable. I can't speak for any one else specifically, but I'm sure that several of us would be more than fine with directly emailing if you aren't up for more stoning via the public forums, at the hands of some members who may have been raised by a pack of jackals. meaning no disrespect to anyone, including the pack of jackals...(even jackals can't make silk purses out of sows' ears).
I don't know about anybody else, but it's my policy to believe topics posted,unless there arises very clear inconsistency,self-contradiction or inarguably nonfactual statements from the OP. Even then I'm more apt to simply POINT OUT the inconsistency,contradiction or lapse in accurate facts...not come out and label someone a liar.
Good luck to you, OP. You have every right to take very good care of yourself! Avail yourself of that right!
Cindy O
Joined: 2/20/2010
Msg: 102
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 3/6/2010 8:33:57 AM
IMO, you obviously need to get back to a point where sex is empowering to you instead of just the opposite. Having been with women who did get outside help & some who didn't, all I can say is that counselling is the best possible thing you can do & that seeking it out proactively is the first step towards getting back to being the woman you were before. Scratch that, you'll likely come out in the end an even stronger woman.

Not gonna rewrite or cut/paste the whole thing, but I made a post that pretty much concerns the same subject in this thread here:
Joined: 12/26/2008
Msg: 104
R*pe is ruining my sex life
Posted: 3/6/2010 12:12:16 PM
Op, I am sorry to hear this happened to you or anyone....I agree you need pro help to help overcome this...just keep in mind, if you feel they are not helping, let them know why, or go to someone else....the key is feeling comfortable with the person helping you, them looking at you individually, understanding you and giving you the help you need.

Its a normal reaction to have experienced this, and to have it effect you in this way, trama's that are huge do this, in the same way a veteran of war, have flashbacks and has a hard time adjusting to things back home...similar, but different.

Of course you want to overcome this and try to have a relation to where this doesn't effect things. Its going to have to come from professional help and yourself too.

As you said, you have had sex where you kicked and punched the person away from you, in a regular situation, this wouldn't have happened, so in a way not only you have suffered, but it imposes it on others as well.

And I see it in your reactions to others here, a couple were deserving, but a couple might not have been...again, I understand and feel for you though.

This is a quote I copied.....
Speaking as someone who has been in your shoes (a long ago ex-boyfriend and his best friend). Talk, talk and then talk some more.... but, talk to a professional. STOP having "sex". I too did the "freaking out"... tears, kicking, pushing away.... That is just your way of saying that you are going to control the situation before the man controls you. In a way making you the aggressor. No man that truly cares about you needs or deserves that any more than you deserved to be r*ped.

Don't let the men who did this to you win by ruining the good future that you deserve with the right man, and don't let the right man run the other way because you did not deal with the past.

So really most advised counseling and seeking a professional to help you.......quite frankly, there's not much more anyone can advise who has not experienced this....other than expressing sorrow for what happened...

But the rest has to come from you.....but you alone wasn't enough, it will take both and even possibly an encounter group comprised of those who went thru it too, and when you get back to dating again, you need to seek an understanding man and be upfront about all of this, so you both can go slow and adjust to it.

Good Luck....I hope the best for you.
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