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Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Jaded!!!Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

I guess I'm too nice... this is definitely a lesson in personal boundaries. One of my strongest concerns is facing opposition.... I'm also concerned that they may not be supportive of my relationships too....

OP, there is an adage about choosing our friends but not our family. What we do with family is try to love them anyway and stay the hell away from them when they aren't a positive force in our lives.

If this were friends, how would your response be different? If they are people that aren't going to support your relationship I would probably stop spending time with them because family is supposed to have your back, not be the ones you are fending off.
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 20
Posted: 2/27/2010 6:14:42 AM
There's the subtle change in topic, often useful for a family member who you love no matter what but don't want to have this conversation with: "Wow, I'm sorry to hear you're still having such a hard time dating. Hey, how's [insert completely different topic that bears no relation to dating] going for you?" Repeat as needed; might be helpful to come up with a list of topics in your head to ask about when necessary. Hopefully they'll get the picture eventually.

The other option is the direct route: "I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble with this, but I feel like we have the same conversation every time we talk, and I'd like to hear about the things that are going right for you" or "I'll be happy to hear about things if you do have some success, but this feels like complaining to me, and while I'm trying to be supportive, there's nothing I can do and I don't like the negativity", or whatever.

Whether or not your family member supports your relationship really doesn't matter until s/he has some serious and legitimate concerns for you. After all, s/he's bitter about this sort of thing, right? It all has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally.
Joined: 12/30/2009
Msg: 22
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Posted: 7/20/2010 8:48:58 PM
My experience with this is negative. I heard this kind of talk for over a year and was always kind and considerate. It never ended. It was not about me. It was about his ex wife. I should have been smarter. I started to think this man was really jaded, but tried to talk myself out if it. After a year I was dropped. I was totally shocked. I thought our relationship was different than theirs. His ex wife ruined him. The man has no love left in his heart. I finally realized that. Unfortunately, this has turned out to make me feel a bit jaded as well. Relationships are hard. Listen to your inner feelings. They are usually right. I should have known better.
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 23
Posted: 7/21/2010 1:10:13 AM
You can be pleasantly surprised in pessimism when it works out
Or you can be distraught and anxious in your optimism when it doesnt.

I consider that every one is needy, greedy, manipulative, self indulgent, psychotic, decietful, unfaithful and indigent; until they prove otherwise.
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 24
Posted: 7/21/2010 1:55:19 AM
Tell them you're concerned about the way they're sabotaging themselves with their current mindset, and buy them a copy of David Burns's book called 'Feeling Good'.

Best case scenario, they'll appreciate the caring gesture on your part, and get to work on that pessimism. Worst case, they'll know you don't want to listen to the whining anymore, and take it someplace else. A win win for you. Don't let the emotional vampires drain you, it's exhausting, and no matter how much you try to give, it will never be enough to make a difference. It's not insensative or offensive for you to make suggestions on a course of action that might actually be helpful, rather than enabling one that isn't. I hope everything works out for you.
 motown cowgirl
Joined: 6/30/2010
Msg: 25
Posted: 7/21/2010 4:26:09 AM
you can acknowledge their feelings, gently offer a different point of view, and then change the subject. if they don't take a hint, then tell them to put a sock in it. this is what you can do if you find it difficult to disengage yourself from their cynical attitudes. but if you want to try something different, see the next post.

vvvvv that's a good one! thumbs up there, igor.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 26
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Posted: 7/21/2010 4:29:38 AM
My own experience with such situations, is that the REAL problem is my own sense of involvement, more than the fact that they are talking about it all the time. I like to try to help people solve their challenges, so I tend to keep trying to suggest solutions, when the other person is just venting.
What works for me, is to CONSCIOUSLY emotionally disengage from the problem they are talking about. I don't have to STOP them from it, except in terms of the amount of time I let them use up venting with me. Once I have established in my own mind, that solving their disagreeable opinions and feelings doesn't matter to my own life, they can vent to their hearts content, and it no longer brings me down.
A common side effect to this solution, has been that once I emotionally disengage ( note this does NOT mean I become remote and distant when talking to them), then my demeanor actually can help them to get out of the rut THEY are in, and start solving their problems by moving on. In other words, sometimes a continually available supportive sounding board is actually helping them to STAY stuck on venting as a solution, instead of working.
Thus, I don;t always have to push them away, or verbally tell them I don;t want to hear any more, I just EXIST myself into a different view of things, so that they can choose to follow me there.
Joined: 12/21/2009
Msg: 27
Posted: 7/21/2010 6:05:58 AM
Well they say misery loves company so if you can't indulge them than maybe you can buy them a new car. Or maybe you will get lucky later in life and have a similar miserable experience. Then you can call them and say guess what just happened to me, lol. It's only a real problem if they are paying your rent and you have to figure out an escape.
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 28
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Posted: 7/21/2010 9:12:56 AM
you could try to distance yourself a bit. or..when they start to rant, try to change the subject.
Negitive people are just make yourself less available and keep smiling!!

you could always tell them to make a POF profile and rant on here.....(evil laugh)
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 29
Posted: 7/21/2010 9:40:42 AM
there is the whole broken hearts thread for him
Hours of self loathing and whining waiting to happen.
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 30
Posted: 7/21/2010 7:08:10 PM
OPie, don't think your relative is "jaded" ~~ bitter, sad, disoriented, negative. But I think Igor's solution is nothing short of brilliant!!

 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 31
Posted: 7/21/2010 7:31:21 PM
you don't have to listen... Walk away and say, that is not how I feel......

Also, don't read the forums, as some of the regulars are the most bitter, jaded, full of sh... people I have ever had the experience of knowing existed... JMO...

Or, learn from them how you DON'T want to be.........
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 32
Posted: 7/22/2010 9:33:28 AM
My jaded person is actually a friend, quite a few friends that are going through a bad time in there marriage saying how smart I am for staying single and available. But I'm sure their opinion will change when the marriage starts going good again or when they become single again if they decide for a divorce. We all make mistakes maybe not knowing what or who we want. At 33 I'm happy to say that I've finally figured out what I want. Let me tell you its not the same thing I wanted 10 years ago. The friends that talk to me are in their 20's and still don't know what they want.

So what do I do? I just smile and agree with what they say and when they start wining too much I walk away.

Best of luck with that

Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 33
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Posted: 7/22/2010 10:06:33 AM
Some people never move past hurt and anger. A bad marriage can mean a bruised ego when the partner moves on and seems happy and their life has not improved or has gone down hill. I refuse to listen to that kind of negativity for too long, if you cannot get over it you need to seek help.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 34
Posted: 7/22/2010 10:14:09 AM
What can I do about this?

Appreciate the great relationship you have. You can't fix what your friend is working at to keep broken.

How can I avoid these types of conversations without sounding offensive or insensitive? Lately it's been driving me crazy.

You can respond by starting out with something along the lines of, ``It might not work for you but, what has worked for me is...'' That way, your friend can continue to b!tch away, but might eventually get a clue without you trying to tell her what she should do. Suggestions always work best if you make them in a way that allows the other person to think it was his/her idea.
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