Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >      Home login  
Joined: 6/22/2008
Msg: 3
view profile
80/20Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I would have to agree with you on the 80/20 split. I consider the 20% as non-defining issues. Most times the 20% is what makes the other person unique, hopefully not freaky
No one is perfect, therefore no relationship is perfect. I do believe you can find perfect for each other but that takes some compromise and communication.
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 13
view profile
Posted: 3/1/2010 8:26:41 AM
I think, as a permutation of Godwin's Law, it is inevitable that eventually a woman will come on this thread if it goes on long enough and state "I don't want perfect, I just want perfect for me".
Joined: 3/10/2008
Msg: 15
view profile
Posted: 3/1/2010 8:58:18 AM
im one of those people not willing to compromise or settle. im a 29m with no job and when angelina jolie finally divorces she will have no choice but to marry me or face the end of a sawed off shotgun. then again i guess there is 1% that would settle but it would be for her headless body. no nagging same smoking bod and no oral. so since its still her i guess its 100% - 1%+1%?
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 16
view profile
Posted: 3/1/2010 8:59:01 AM
I find it difficult to put numbers on it. Less than perfect is a whole hell of a lot to cover. That goes from differences in thought processes all the way to irritants and things that just get on your nerves that the other person does.

For me, I just look at my basics like trust, honesty, intelligence, beliefs, not being a party goer, maybe a couple other things. If those things match, the rest is fairly open.

For me, ideal, or what seems like perfect in this case, would be all of that, then a whole slew of other things, including sharing my important interests, interests outside of that, having similar thought process to me or at least extremely good understanding of mine, not 'adventurous', would handle things in a way that's appealing to me, would look a certain way, would have certain accomplishments in life, would have a specific attitude or outlook on life, among other things.

So... meeting 80% of 'perfect' is hardly realistic.

That's why I keep my eyes open for things I wouldn't normally look for/at and still admire them. Because, I'll be honest, perfect just ain't happening, so why shouldn't I keep a look out for something I wouldn't expect, but potentially just as good as what I would look for, if not better?

The basic things I look for must be met, beyond that, who knows! I don't, I don't typically care, because there's very little I can't find something I can value that I wouldn't specifically look for.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 19
view profile
Posted: 3/1/2010 10:01:35 AM
I think if you can find and 80 where the 20 is fine with you, then you have found someone damn compatible for you.
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 23
view profile
Posted: 3/1/2010 12:34:04 PM

I think, given that nobody, nor any relationship is perfect, this seems, to me, to be rather realistic.
Of course that's realistic. Then again, you got to remember that these forums consists of lots of people with unrealistic relationship expectations; hence their proclivity to be on a dating site looking for new partners. So I wouldn't put too much faith in any sort of response made here, as people in successful relationships that understand this 80/20 thing aren't going to be posting in this thread.
Joined: 2/6/2010
Msg: 26
Posted: 3/1/2010 1:59:30 PM
Hmmm, 80/20 sounds about right. Though I have a more personal approach to the problem.

If my brain overrules my heart, then the relationship isn't working out.

Whereas, if my heart overrules my brain, I will do my best to make things work.

I know, it's sappy and old fashioned, and maybe even juvenile, but I can't think of relationships any other way.
Joined: 9/4/2008
Msg: 29
view profile
Posted: 3/1/2010 3:13:11 PM
I wouldn't know how to quantify my relationship using your method. Instead, I just carry around a blood pressure monitor. If my S/O makes my blood pressure read no higher than 120/80 at any given point during the day, then he is a keeper. If he's giving me hypertension, then he must be ditched....kidding of course, kind of.
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 30
view profile
Posted: 3/1/2010 3:33:12 PM

This is an erroneous assumption. There are lots of people who regularly participate in these forum discussions that have a significant other. They are here for the forum participation only because they already have a fish. Some are married, some are with live in lovers, some long term dating. The people I am referencing would all consider their relationships "successful."
Of course there are balanced people posting in the forums, some in successful relationships. I'm suggesting that there is often a skewed sample answering the questions in these forums, and I wouldn't put lots of faith in forming societal pictures from what I've read in here. That's all.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 34
view profile
Posted: 3/1/2010 5:15:46 PM
I have not seen very many people say that one should not settle for less than the EXACT, perfect ideal. What I have seen, is various versions such as you are describing in a very nice way. There are some elements that each individual learns MUST be present or absent as is appropriate, but the "boy wouldn't it be great if" stuff can be negotiable.
So, yeah, sure, you are sort of on the money, it's just that it isn't the PERCENTAGE that counts, it the exact elements that are there: if the guy has 90% of what you want, but the 10% that's not right is that he's a serial murderer, you'd (hopefully) decline.
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 41
view profile
Posted: 3/2/2010 6:56:06 AM

I believe I would be content in a relationship where 80% is ideal and 20% is less than perfect

I can't even achieve those kinds of stats in a relationship with myself...nevermind adding a man in the mix.

hahaa - THAT was my exact reaction to this notion!

I mean, there have been days where I haven't liked, I dunno, 60% of ME. And if I'd been able to figure out how to break up with me, I'd have been in real trouble I tell ya.

'course there are days where I think I'm pretty hot stuff too. It balances out, or I hope it does.

I guess if I have a point here, it would be that I'm a dynamic, and my moods, qualities and characteristics rise in prominence or ebb away from moment to moment. I'd go out of my freakin' mind if I didn't let myself off the hook or give myself some space for the inevitable flaw that proves I'm human.

Seems to me I ought to grant another human the same benefit as I give myself. So when their 20% is dominating in that moment or on that day, I remind myself that's what is showing up right then and there and this too shall pass.

I don't think it is the percentage that matters quite so much as the dynamic that is generated between the two. Some things we naturally have an easier time giving space to, and others make us reactive. When both our 20% amplify each other, hahaa, fasten your seatbelts - it's gonna be a rocky ride down a steep slope.
 Happily Ever...maybe
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 44
view profile
Posted: 3/2/2010 8:25:47 PM
You can play with numbers any which way you want. Some days will be 90%, or even 98%, while others might be like 10%. I realize the OP isn't rally trying to quantify it as such, just using a numerical concept to illustrate her point, and its a good one. Personally, I try to ensure that my glass is always 51% full. To me, as long as the good outweighs the bad on the majority of days, well, you got a shot at making it work.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 50
view profile
Posted: 3/2/2010 9:42:56 PM
Would it be easier to think of it as 8 good qualities to 2 not so great on average?

I don't think the OP is being literal in the numbers just considering whether there is room for compromise on what she believes is ideal for her. Hell, who knows, maybe she would start out with the 8 of 10 situation and could have those two pesky ones grow on her, lol.

I think when you love someone, you see no flaws, and those you see, are meaningless, if they bother you, then its not love... its something else.. but not love...

Good luck with that.

yes I do, I know that I want to be married within 1 year and I know by this time I also want children. I want someone that my personality can mesh with and let which someone that can laugh and smile from time to time and not be too serious.
I also know I will wait no longer then 6 weeks for sex and I also know that my sexual preference are all deal breakers if my partner is not willing to do these things.

And really good luck with that.
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 62
view profile
Posted: 3/3/2010 6:54:22 PM

I think most people waiting for that 100 percent to come along, will probably be waiting for a VERY long, long time.

Well, I'm holding out for the 100% ideal....which mean's that I've passed up a lot of perfect guys...simply because I'm far from perfect; so "ideal" for less than perfect.
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 68
view profile
Posted: 3/4/2010 7:31:01 AM
Saw a real good quote on here the other day, i apologize for not remembering the poster.

Essentially was "if you ever want to settle down, you have to learn what you'll settle for".

BTW, that quote about hating the snoring but having it as comfort after he passed was a great story. Thanks!
Joined: 12/25/2006
Msg: 69
view profile
Posted: 3/4/2010 9:17:10 AM
I smile when I read something along the lines of
... as long as the 20% is in insignificant issues ...
I tend to interpret that as
... as long as they completely meet the other 80% ...

But everyone has to decide what is acceptable for them.

I prefer to look at it as deal breakers and negotiables, and keep the deal breakers list reasonable (whatever that means). Things I consider insignificant don't factor into my calculations.

For me, a big issue is being satisfied how the negotiables actually pan out. I don't think equal is as important as being perceived as equitable. Splitting everything 50-50 really only works for people with similar values, beliefs and behaviors. Otherwise, the split may not be perceived as equitable, even if equal.

For me, a difficult part is recognizing what is actually a requirement, verses a preference. E.g. Realizing conflict resolution style is actually a requirement, not a nice to have, was a big step for me. It requires a knowledge of myself that I've only gained over the last 8 years, and I also recognize I still have more to learn, and it hasn't all been positive, but does get me closer to understanding myself, so I can share that with someone else. Also, it helps me see others in a realistic light, and can listen to and accept them in a non-judgmental way.

A clue I look for in myself is the language I use.
When I find myself asking questions:
What do I have to give up being in this relationship?
That’s a clue I'm not ready or that's not a relationship for me, regardless of the "answer".
When I find myself making statements:
I'm better off being in this relationship than out.
That’s my clue to move forward.

Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 71
Posted: 3/4/2010 1:05:26 PM
This is all wrong. The formula is 83.4% to 15% with the different being the toilet seat being up or down.
Joined: 5/18/2005
Msg: 73
view profile
Posted: 3/4/2010 8:15:39 PM
I have had the exact same thought before. I even knew what the post was about before I read it. How scary is that?

When I was in that situation I pushed her away. I felt alone inside.

I am in a relationship now and much happier mentally. We are not perfect but our faults are minimal together.

I would say if you feel alone mentally and have no children together, break up.
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 74
Posted: 3/5/2010 12:03:47 PM

I hear much about not settling for a relationship that is less than (one's mental construct of) ideal.

I believe I would be content in a relationship where 80% is ideal and 20% is less than perfect (no dealbreakers however, such as, for me, abuse of any kind).
That 20% could be ignored, accepted or negotiated on.

I think, given that nobody, nor any relationship is perfect, this seems, to me, to be rather realistic.

Forumites, what say you?

I'm not sure what the percentage breakdown is.

I do know that I won't compromise on my deal-breakers (thick bush/anal sex) for anyone. Never have, never will.

Outside of that, I'm really only wanting a close friend/companion who I share common interests with and an obvious physical attraction.

Body-type isn't really an issue.

I'd even date outside my usual type (pale brunettes/redheads) if the personalities match.

 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 77
view profile
Posted: 3/29/2010 8:52:34 PM

There is a difference between believing someone is "perfect" for them relationship-wise, or their "perfect" companion, and thinking another person is perfect.

I understand this concept completely because this is how I view my relationship. I think my boyfriend is perfect for me YET, we have been together long enough that the infatuation stage is over and I see he is an imperfect person with flaws. The fact that I see his imperfections, and love him anyway is what its all about. Its about being comfortable with a person as they are, not feeling he has to change this or that about himself for me to want to be in a relationship with him.

I am not perfect either. I yell at my kids sometimes. I know he yells at his son sometimes. We have yet to yell at each other. In some regards we are still on good behavior with one another, yet I have no delusion that we will never have an arguement. That is life.

Being around him brings out the good in me, and helps me to control the bad. I think his being around me, brings forth the best in his nature. There have been people in my life that pushed my buttons and brought out the worst in my nature. It is so much about finding someone who just by their presence makes you feel good about yourself, allows you to feel accepted for the person you are, and helps you to present your best face to the world most of the time.

I definitely can relate to the last paragraph. My ex seemed to bring out the worst in me and enjoyed pushing my buttons. The man I'm with now although we have had disagreements has never yelled at me or purposely tried to upset me. I've never thought of it as 80/20 or any number. The good is far greater than the bad. I have no list of needs or deal breakers except cheating and abuse.
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 78
view profile
Posted: 3/29/2010 9:34:48 PM
I think trying to boil it all down to simple math is overly simplistic. Ultimately the only thing that really matters is one question -- am I happy?
 Red Fish GF
Joined: 12/3/2009
Msg: 79
view profile
Posted: 3/29/2010 9:40:08 PM
Red Fish wrote

It isn’t something that I can quantify but 80/20 sounds about right. All I can say is that I’m happier with my SO than I am with myself.

Ultimately the only thing that really matters is one question -- am I happy?

Joined: 3/28/2006
Msg: 81
view profile
Posted: 3/30/2010 4:06:08 AM

Man, I love that movie "Why did I get married"... that's where I learned the 80/20 rule. Unfortunately, I can never find a man who can give me more than 10%

Come to UK, I give you a very large percent


Ummmm.... So yeah, I think some of you are talking out of your behinds (to put it mildly).....
I believe that 100% perfect is out there, you just won't find it until you change your perceptions.

Ignore what others have, ignore the media and film/TV and build your own image of what you want.
Your idea's of perfect is what's been spoon fed to you by the society we live in. Get a bloody opinion of your own and happiness will follow!
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  >