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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids      Home login  
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 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 21
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Assuming the children have 2 ACTIVELY involved parents participating in the same goal of raising children for a "ready for an adult society," it would serve a couple well to keep their relationship healthy and well-nurtured. Much like pilot and co-pilot of an aircraft where they are co-dependent on the other doing what is required to keep the plane from crashing.

Of course it is ideal to put the marriage or aircraft first, but in families where one has to over-compensate for the other because the other lacks parenting skills, something suffers and it's usually the nurturing of the marriage. Both, the marriage and children and headed for a crash landing when co-parenting goals differ too much.
 Bablynbrook
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 22
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 10:35:25 AM
There is a quote from Spanglish (great movie BTW) where Cloris Leachman says, "I live my life for me and you live your life for your kids, either way we are both wrong."

Its all about balance. For any relationship to be successful it needs to be nurtured. There are times when your kids need to come first and times when you partner needs to come first. Don't forget that we need to take care of our relationship with ourself as well. Actually that is probably the most important, because if you don't take time for you then you can't fully be there for them.
 acuddler
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 23
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 11:05:30 AM
With kids you start out as one, and become two. With a spouse, you begin as two, and become one Marriage is about putting the spouse first. Kids, pets, etc, come after. If you don't agree, then you are not ready to be married. Many learn this the hard way...in divorce court. The part of the marriage vow that says: "...forsaking all others..." MEANS ALL OTHERS...even children.
 PrinceCharmingsCousin
Joined: 9/1/2009
Msg: 24
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 11:53:19 AM

It's not about who lives in the house with you. Your child will always, always be your child. Even if they die. Your spouse could have an affair and walk out on you tomorrow. Your child is blood. You created it and are responsible, especially when it is small, for pretty much every aspect of its life.

THIS is partly why divorce is so rampant...we just take our partners for granted and assume the worst...no wonder they dont stick around.


Am I reading this thread right?....most married men I know are struggling to out rank the cat, far less the kids.
change cat for dog and yup a lot of families are like that.


After my daughter was born my ex and I broke up when she was 3 months old. Now I've struggled with this. At times he'd want me to leave her let her cry so that we could have sex.

I couldn't do this. Like when my baby cried I had to go to her instantly. That's what a mother is supposed to do right?

I partly disagree...doing what you're doing is creating a "momma's boy", perfect recipe for it. Sometimes YES you gotta just let them cry it out...that's what my folks did with us, truth is there's not always gonna be someone in your life to just RUN to you when something is not to your liking...Yes sometimes you let them cry and yes sometimes yo go to them...but you sure as hell don't RUN TO THEM as soon as any hint of crying happens. I will say though your ex was weird, don't think I could do sex hearing a baby cry....TURN OFF. Let me ask you this...do you also make NO NOISE or tell people to be quiet when your baby is asleep? My folks NEVER did that...because things still need to get done...and now I can sleep with a train going by.

Jenn8131: I do think you screwed up with your ex and yes you did neglect him...BUT on the flip side he neglected you, so he screwed up too, did you try TALKING to him about helping out? (and I don't mean angry yelling, or weird woman talk AT man style...i mean REAL talking a guy can understand and not being judgemental)

I don't think putting the child before you and your partner, and your relationship is HEALTHY, like someone said about the mask in a plane...same concept for First Responders...you can't help anyone if you haven't helped yourself. Look you clearly admit you went to the ER cuz you didn't take care of yourself. Taking care of yourself, and your relationship ensures you are in a better "place" to take care of your child.


First I believe that the kids first policy has been to a degree the death knell for some marriages. How can a couple expect to raise happy, healthy kids when the parents are either fighting all the time, or they are so unattached to the partner that they are merely co-existing in the same household. Date nights and spending quality blocks of time with a partner one-on-one without ankle biters around should be a requirement of marriage; fewer would break up if it was

I SECOND THIS.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 25
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 12:26:55 PM
To me the obvious thing is who was there first. In a marriage or relationship where the two are the biological parents, the marriage and relationship come first because it existed before the kids. While the kids are priority, the mom and dad need to carve out time separate from the kids to keep the marriage going and the kids need to know they are a product of the marriage, not more important than it.

It's different when parents are split and dating new people - in that case the kids were there first, and as time goes on the new person and the kids may start sharing equal time.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 26
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 1:36:56 PM
Kayliecat:
<div class="quote">I grew up with parents who went out without us on a regular basis. They also spent a lot of time with us kids as well. I think they taught my sister and I balance. Well, tried to. I don't think either of us achieved it in our marriages. If I had to do it all over again, I'd get babysitters more often and spend more time nurturing the marriage. I failed to find that balance.

I never learned that balanced, either. My ex sis-in-law offered to babysit for a weekend or vacation if we wanted to go somewhere, but her offer was never taken up on by my ex. Now, I guess I could've pushed the issue more, but he didn't like to travel. So eventually I felt like what's the point. We did on occasion use a babysitter from time to time to go out for dinner, but it was very infrequent. I'm glad that I learned from that experience that my SO should be a priority. Fortunately, now that my daughter is a bit older she is also more independent. That in itself would make a world of difference in a relationship.

mtnlvr:
The last one, some years ago, cost me 1150.00 in damage to my one month old vehicle in less than fifteen minutes....one broken power window unit, 4" tear in the headliner, and a 9" long deep scratch in the leather seat. When I turned around and took them back home before my car was totaled....her parting words to me were " I see that you value material things more than children". About a year later her kids burned their house down.....I always wondered if her attitude changed.


Your case is indeed over the top. It's the exception and not the rule where kids run amok. Maybe you just date women whose kids are long gone from the home.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 27
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Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 1:40:55 PM
I grew up with a single mom and I see the stark contrast between the mom an child relationships of fifty years ago as compaired to today....of course we didn't have hundreds of child psychologist without kids telling everyone how to raise their kids. My mom, as well as most women of the time used good old instinct and common sense....and it worked well. Todays divorced moms develop a mutual dependency relationship with their children of playmate, servant to fill the love gap of not having a mate. When my mom divorced, she had the good sense not to change her relationship with my sister and I. She remained our strict tough love mom and didn't use us to comfort her lonelyness or show fear of loosing our love by becoming our playmate. and servant. I quit dating years ago because of this. I couldn't even have a conversation on the phone with one of today moms. Her kids are butting in constantly as if she's totally unoccupied, dogs barking in the background....absolutely maddening. If we dared to interupt my parents on the phone, it better be with a written note or sign language, and only if one of us broke a leg . When the phone rang, we knew it was time to go somewhere else to play. Sense my sister and I were both well behaved and diciplined, it was easy for my mom to date and us to be welcomed also by her boyfriend. We weren't jealous because some guy was stealing our playmate....because she wasn't, she was our mom. We were actually happy about it and were always treated well by her boyfriend and looked forward to his visits. Sense my sister and I were not a couple of spoiled brats, they actually enjoyed being with us as a family. I wish I could have said the same for the women I've tried to date. The last one, some years ago, cost me 1150.00 in damage to my one month old vehicle in less than fifteen minutes....one broken power window unit, 4" tear in the headliner, and a 9" long deep scratch in the leather seat. When I turned around and took them back home before my car was totaled....her parting words to me were " I see that you value material things more than children". About a year later her kids burned their house down.....I always wondered if her attitude changed.
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 28
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 1:54:23 PM
PrinceCharmingsCousin:
change cat for dog and yup a lot of families are like that.


You'd be surprised at how pampered some people's dogs are and well dressed, too. Somebody in my building had her dog in a yellow rain jacket when we had heavy rains. I saw another man with a dog who had booties on his feet outside obviously so the dog's paws won't get dirty. I'll bet those dogs take priority in the house.
 wowanna01
Joined: 7/13/2006
Msg: 29
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 2:54:48 PM
First is always God, then your husband and then your children it is written..

Donna
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 30
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Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 3:15:01 PM
GOD, PARTNER, FAMILY.

Hopefully a couple has had a chance to enjoy just each other for a year or so before the kids start coming along. If kids are already there, it's a juggling act. Guess, yeah, like another said, it depends who came along first.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 31
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 4:14:44 PM
I think that people become confused about priorities.What is top priority one day or even one hour may not be top priority the next.Yes of course your husband/wife should be a top priority but they don't have to be your only top priority. Some people go to far one way and end up putting top priority on their kids all the time and never take that priority off of them no matter what. Then they wonder why their marriages fail.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 32
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Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/2/2010 4:54:28 PM
chameleonf: thank you your input is a good instructure of a good family home..
 aremeself
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 33
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Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/3/2010 2:53:45 AM
of course your spouse is tops.
Or do your want to mix up the kids brains?

my mummy likes me better then dad!

So is the spouse ever going to be #1?
So where does your mother rate in this messed up grading system that we have created?

seems to me the spouse is expendable, well that isn't news!
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 34
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Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/3/2010 4:09:15 AM
As a child growing up ,I have observe that my parents are very loving to each other, and my other relatives too ,they are very servitude to their husband. But the children needs comes first for both of them.
When the children are big like 5 years old up,when the father comes home from work, and our mother isn't home yet,we always serve him even we have servants in the family because he is the pathiarch of the family....

In my early marriage,I always serve my late husband ,like putting food on his plate even in restaurant,shining his shoes,handing him his underwear/clothes after he took a shower,my goodmorning,hello,thank you, goodnight is a kiss and he would say "so you are not talking to me ??"LOL. And my hands was all over him like flicking imaginary dust on his collar or holding his hand/touching his arm.. One time he yelled at me that he doesn't want to be treated like an invalid,he can get his own food,his own clothes etc.. I was very shocked that I went out in the middle of blizzard and a nieghbor saw me and told him that I was walking on the street and look upset,he pick me and told me that I can do any thing to him and he will not be upset and he was sorry..That is the way how I see my mother treats my father,and he was very appreciative.. It is a cultural matter
 LG2727
Joined: 1/20/2010
Msg: 35
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Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/3/2010 6:51:59 AM
I dont understand why people have such a hard time with this issue. First, stop putting your loved ones on a list of importance. You can love your kids, So, parents, family, etc. just as much, just in different ways. Why would you need to love your kids more then your husband/wife? Or your children as opposed to your parents? This is nonsense! Anytime I see a mans profile with "my kids are the most important thing in my life or my kids come first" I pass right by. Besides, if you need to write this in your profile, then just who are you trying to convince that you are a good parent? Sounds like someone feels guilty? I will never be with someone who puts me on a list of importance and doles out love in measured increments, like they only have so much to go around! If they are telling me before I even meet them that I will never be as important or loved as others in their life then why would I want to meet this person?? Maybe I will come in somewhere under the family dog on their list of who gets loved the most.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 36
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/3/2010 7:25:30 AM
the problem, right from the start, is that too many people don't know the difference between "need" and "want". If you don't know who and what you are as a human being, then every want you have becomes a need for attention, to get a sense of identity about how important you may really be.

A child should have his or her NEEDS met. It helps the child realize they are worthy of respect. That they are important enough to not have their needs ignored.

But, when a child simply wants attention...then its healthy for the child to realize, they are not a little princess. That they can't have every little thing, and should develop a brain to figure out how to get some things on their own, and how some other things just won't be received, and they should be able to deal with the fact that they were not promised a rose garden.

learning to deal with that last fact, is also an aid to growth and maturity. but many adults (biologically speaking) haven't grown and matured themselves, so they can't realize when a child is acting like a childish adult. just like some people can't see a red flag in a partner, b/c the partner is doing what they do (it only turns into a red flag when the partner makes them the target of their behavior, it was OK before when someone else was the target), these people can't see when a child is pursuing a want and not a need.

once someone learns this, and learns that telling a child, "no" is helpful in that child's growth, then the original question is easier to answer. until then,its just a "black or white, no grey" issue, and thus hard to solve.
 Honesty is hardly ever
Joined: 7/28/2007
Msg: 37
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/3/2010 8:53:47 AM
Does there need to be a choice? One of my favorite life lessons is " The best thing you can do as a "Parent" is to love your "Spouse", though every day and every situation carries a different circumstance. Try considering "Family" as one. Attention should be given where it is needed and not to where it is "Wanted". That leads to spoiled children and selfish spouses. The important part is that neither gets neglected. On top of all of it though, I put God first. Proverbs 3:6. (check it out) Hope that doesn't shake up the tree too much...or maybe not!

As far as dating goes, I think you have to put young children first for sure. Any worthy friend will understand. When children get older and a solid upbringing has been set, they will understand the need of a parent to commit more time and affection to another partner and in my case even desire it for me.

Blessings...
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 38
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/3/2010 1:52:35 PM
I do generally because a good marriage is important to a happy family , but I didn't do this in my marriage ( I married my ex when my daughter was 9)..and no regrets on that. She was, is , and always will be first in my life. Period. Of course, I'm divorced, too..lol. But that really is a different story.
I don't mean to say you should neglect your kids for you marriage though, there simply needs to be balance..just like there always needs to be balance in life. But spouse first sends a good message to the kids imo.
 jamie9562
Joined: 7/15/2007
Msg: 39
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/3/2010 11:42:38 PM
and i think verityone gave the most lucid,,well thought out,intelligent,,comment on this subject by far...

good job
 DIVISION77
Joined: 8/10/2009
Msg: 40
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/5/2010 11:35:36 AM

There was a thread posted earlier today and it was about 6 pages long regarding some points that women should take heed to. It seems it got deleted. One of the points was that in a relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife) that the couple should come first and children second especially when it comes to a marriage. The person who wrote the article referenced the marriage vows where you are to put no one above that of your partner.


The relationship between a husband and wife will always come first, regardless of how many children they have.

Not only is that common sense, but it's essential to the family unit as a whole.

As others have already mentioned, a strong bond between a man and woman benefits the relationship they have with the child.

A child should never take precedent over a couple's relationship, never take the place of nor supercede.

What I see in this thread are alot of ego-centric, self-important women throwing popcorn from the peanut gallery arguing technicalities and losing the big picture perspective in the process.

A child is not more important than the relationship which produced him/her.

Many have a tendency to neglect the relationship they have with their husband in lieu of the newborn child and that is a HUGE mistake!

.....it's no coincidence that many women become single mothers as a result.

If you truly believe being a mother is more important than being married to a man in a happy relationship, you will be single for a long time, probably long enough for that child to reach adulthood and move out.

Then when you're forty-five you can worry about attracting a man again....

Good luck on that.....the demographics are not in your favor.



 aremeself
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 41
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Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/5/2010 11:52:57 AM
out ranking the cat, good one, mountain man!

anybody ever outrank the mother in law?
 NarcissusTemple
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 42
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/5/2010 11:57:35 AM

Many have a tendency to neglect the relationship they have with their husband in lieu of the newborn child and that is a HUGE mistake!

.....it's no coincidence that many women become single mothers as a result.

Couldn't agree more.
As a witness to a couple who put their relationship first, I can say without question my parents are still in love and enamored with each other.
Had the attention been shifted to the kids at the expense of their relationship, they would have probably lost that bond that has carried them lovingly past their 50th anniversary.
You've gotta stay boyfriend & girlfriend or you'll get that brother/sister dynamic that I see mentioned here and there in the forums.
 fun.4.once
Joined: 1/15/2010
Msg: 43
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/5/2010 2:22:34 PM
I am in a relationship we are not married or living together, I feel that the children are very important to the relationship and possible marriage, recently she is spending more time with the children and less time for the two of us. I know her children are important to her, my question is I am feeling less important in the relationship and feeling it is time for me to move on.. So I believe there needs to be an equal balance in a relationship or marriage for personal couple time and children time
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 44
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/14/2010 4:42:05 PM
My husband and I always put our relationship with each other as the most important.
Kids need to know that their parents relationship is stable...and happy....even if the parents are one Bio and the other a step-parent.
Disagreeing over children and especially doing that in FRONT of them is one of the worst things that can be done.
AND I do suscribe to the thinking that the man is the head of the household......
" ducks" from the coming stones!
 PlanelyCrazy
Joined: 10/27/2008
Msg: 45
Do you believe that a couple should come first in a marriage and kids 2nd17. Your husband/boyfriend?
Posted: 3/15/2010 12:41:35 AM
IMO the correct order of emotional commitment is:
0. (God, if you're the religious type)
1. Yourself
2. Your Spouse
3. Your Children
4. Your Job
5. Your Community

I agree with the poster who stated lots of folks confuse needs, wants and responsibilities. *You* need to come first, in the sense of having time for exercise, time to eat right, time by yourself, etc. A frazzled, unhealthy you makes #2-5 grumpy as well. A good spouse understands this; a bad one doesn't. A healthy relationship with your spouse comes second, as it provides the best environment for #3-5 to thrive. In particular, children will do best if Mom and Dad are both happy individually and work together as a happy couple. (Happy is the wrong word, but I can't think of a better one at the moment.) Then comes the job, and finally the community.

Upset this order, and trouble usually follows. Many women put #2 first, and end up (or start out) single. In my observation this is often due to a selfish 'my identity is Mom' desire of the woman, even if the end result is an emotionally suffocated and rebellious child. So many men put #4 first, as in "I worked overtime to give my family the best possessions but never saw them, why did they leave me", or some sort of selfish #1, like 'I NEED to go golfing today' or 'I need sex NOW'; they also end up single.

Those posters who make comments like 'my children come first because I need to be there if they swallow something', or 'my child comes before his stepfather because if both needed my liver, my child would get it' are IMO making a non sequitur argument. Are you saying the other parent *wants* their child to choke, or the stepfather wouldn't get the liver but the real father would, instead of the child? Nonsense. This question isn't about the minutiae of daily life; it's about the overall emotional balance of a lifetime.
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