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 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 61
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?Page 3 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

I look at it like this- I've never cheated on my spouse. What percentage of divorced men can say that?


just because a man has not been married...does not mean he never cheated.
cheating can happen within a boyfreind girlfriend or any relationship.

it is a red flag to me.
i would want to know if there is a commitment issue.
or if the man has never married because he is just too picky and no one will ever meet his standards.
or perhaps he is "married to his career"

if he is now centered on finding someone to spend his life with,..
and he is putting in the time to develope a relationship...
then i think never being married would be ok.
but i would want to know if he ever was in a long term relationship. and why he did not marry.

i do not think that it is too late for a man in his 40's or 50's to find the right woman for him if he had not married.
but it does make women wonder why.

OP: i do hope that if marriage is what you want that you will find the woman who you love and loves you and make it happen for you.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 62
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 6:43:57 AM
just because a man has not been married...does not mean he never cheated.
cheating can happen within a boyfreind girlfriend or any relationship.


I didn't say that someone who hasn't been married has never cheated. I said they never cheated on their spouse, which is easily proven since they never HAD a spouse. They never took the vows of matrimony, so they never broke them. The distinction was deliberate.

As for cheating before marriage, I tend to be in the camp that doesn't believe that it's possible to "cheat" before a relationship has been declared "exclusive" by both parties. Prior to that, I tend to think both parties have the right to date whoever they wish. I can honestly say that I have never done that, either. When I become involved, I lose interest in dating anyone else.

The biggest killer of relationships for me has been religious differences. Women I have been involved with wanted to be married in their church and insisted that I had to change my beliefs. When I get an ultimatum, I bid farewell.


but it does make women wonder why.


Fair enough. However, I wonder why someone got divorced. What led them to chuck their vows? Are they prone to making commitments they don't intend to keep? Do they not think things through?

The favored answer is, "We grew apart." OK. Why is it OK for you to have grown apart AFTER getting married, and not OK for me to have grown apart BEFORE I got married?
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 63
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:16:08 AM
^^^^I think a lot of the stigma of being a never married person comes from the facts that many divorced people make assumptions without ever getting to know any never married people, they just assume that we are weird and non committal because we have not experienced what they have. We are also in the minority, which makes us odd to many since the majority rules. If someone knows one odd person who has not been married they seem to think we all are like him/her and run from us if we approach. I do find it odd that I am supposed to defend my never married state to most men I meet and the divorced person can say "we grew apart" or "she gained weight and I had affairs" or " we had kids and she spent too much time with them", and I am supposed to accept these reasons without wondering or questioning. I do not believe that so many married women do not like sex that the men left them since they never got sex. I have been amazed at the bitterness and hatred some divorced people have for their ex spouses, as they supposedly loved them enough to marry them at one time and/or have children together.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 64
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:30:50 AM

You keep hinting to the fact that I am a divorcee, however, I am not.


Me? My posts on this thread have not been directed to you. That I may have chosen to rebut a quote or two from your posts does not mean I'm carrying on a conversation with you (present post excepted).
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 65
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:38:20 AM
Some people who feel they were given the gift of being able to make tremendous sacrifice simply due to the fact they had children demonstrate they are still "all about me." They just don't recognize it.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 66
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:47:44 AM
How does the expression go " Some people think it's all about them but really it's all about me" same message different phrasing - if a person goes around telling others they are a martyr does that make it so?
 ColonelIngus
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 67
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:14:48 AM

I use to think this would play to my advantage, but after turning 40 I could see the table had been turned.
Any thoughts?

Yea, almost all women are suspicious of a man who doesn't have a track record of "putting out" in the fashion they desire. They want a man who is "easy" in this regard, since they aren't up to any sort of a challenge. But rather than admit this they go into ego defense mode and project all sorts of pathologies onto him, even though they usually don't even take the time to do a pre-diagnosis interview first.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 68
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:37:26 AM
I don't understand women who are more attracted to a profile status of Divorced or Separated and think there's something wrong with a status that says Single and in some cases no children. There are countless posts here about people dealing with crazy ex's, problem children, children trying to ruin a parent's dating life, people who haven't gotten over there ex, etc, etc. How is this more desirable than someone who is baggage-free?
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 69
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:51:23 AM
^^^^I have decided that maybe people love drama and problems so much they gravitate to the ones who have the most drama and/or problems, or like the excitment/challenge of someone who is dysfunctional. More than once I have heard that I am so totally boring since I don't gripe about kids or men or financial problems or how I have been treated badly by men. Some people seem to have a need to be a rescuer or to be rescued in a relationship. Maybe they have no clue as to how life can be happy and more or less stress free as they have never had anything but problems in childhood and as an adult and equate love with how much someone will put up with or do for them when their lives or a mess......just my .02 worth......or maybe some people will do anything or put up with anything if the person is good looking to them and/or other people are attracted to the good looking person.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 70
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:01:09 AM

I don't understand women who are more attracted to a profile status of Divorced or Separated and think there's something wrong with a status that says Single and in some cases no children. There are countless posts here about people dealing with crazy ex's, problem children, children trying to ruin a parent's dating life, people who haven't gotten over there ex, etc, etc. How is this more desirable than someone who is baggage-free?


I actually prefer single men with no kids, especially if they are baggage free. These type of men aren't too hard to come across.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 71
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:35:50 AM
So, if its a big 'red flag'...ok never married ladies, who wants to marry me for a week so we can get rid of this huge 'red flag' placed on us?? We don't even have to live together, no sex, no expectations, neither of us is out anything other than a few bucks for a marriage license, hell I'll fly to meet you, hit a justice of the peace... C'mon, one week, we divorce, and then we can both put 'divorced' on our profiles!

And then... we'll have "proof" we can actually handle being married or an LTR!
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 72
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:38:11 AM
^^ Only if you put out!
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 73
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:50:38 AM
Pam would get jealous.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 74
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 9:58:25 AM

My father, in reality my step-dad, is another one where the red flags would be waiving all over the place...he married my mom, a widow with two small children, when he was 41, single, still living with his parents, had never had a relationship and according to him, had never even kissed a girl.

But...according to my mom and dad, all that was about to change when my mom moved into the small village where my dad had lived all of his life...apparently, it was love at first sight and the rest is history.

Today, my mom and dad are 89 and 87 respectively and are still in love - my dad, a 40+ years old never married w/no kids *living with his parents* guy has been an excellent husband and a very good father in spite of all 'em flags...good thing there was no POF back then I guess...hahaha.


When people see red flags, it reflects more what they fear than the reality of the situation. Surely there are many "never been married and no kids" men who can't/won't commit, or are hard to get along, hard to please etc. But like JmD's father described in post 56, there are also many good men who don't fit that stereotype. These men don't get mentioned much because once they get snatched up, they are gone.

I don't have any problem with women prejudicing me for being never married and without kids at my age. It's their prerogative to do so, but I do pity them for their ignorance. On the flip side, the women I've dated and have had relationships with all saw my "clean record" as a huge plus. So I will keep fishing, knowing that like attracts like and use that fully to my advantage.

Don't sweat it. There are truly plenty of fish to choose from.
 Arabianangel
Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 75
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 2:18:21 PM

I've never married or had kids or even an LTR, but that is because every time I want to start one, the woman asks if I've already had one. LOL.


I can see your dilema, but perhaps you shouldn't be looking for a LTR, look for friends or dating for now than see where it goes.


It's like applying for a job. The employer wants experience, but how do you get experience if no one hires you? It's a catch-22.


I still think it's all in the delivery though...."Mr employer, i've had enough casual jobs and experience to be able to identify a good opportunity when I see one, that's why i'm here"....that doesn't sound too bad, does it?
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 76
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 2:37:50 PM

As for cheating before marriage, I tend to be in the camp that doesn't believe that it's possible to "cheat" before a relationship has been declared "exclusive" by both parties. Prior to that, I tend to think both parties have the right to date whoever they wish. I can honestly say that I have never done that, either. When I become involved, I lose interest in dating anyone else.


ok..then you have clarified. i agree with you. it is important for both to communicate that are wanting to be exclusive.

i also agree with posters who have said that they wonder why anyone isnt married.
when a man (or woman) is divorced i do want to know why.
but i do not ask right away. i feel it is too personal and also that the man (or woman to a man) may not give acurate reasons. they wont want to scare a potential partner away in the beginning.
as for my own situation, i have no problem saying why i got my divorce.
i do however, want to know the reason for the divorce before getting too involved.
for ex: if there was violence, drug abuse, cheating..
but those are the very things that people want to hide and not tell.

a never married man has no ex wife baggage. agreed.
i guess his personal baggage can be just as heavy or light as anyones ,divorced or not.

and i do not think women here prefer divorced or separated over never married.
i for one,...prefer widowed, divorced, or never married.. in that order.
i do not date separated men.
 Cuckooforcocopuffs
Joined: 11/29/2009
Msg: 78
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 3:05:27 PM

What was your longest relationship?


My last GF asked me that very question. It had been a six month relationship. From that she was able to draw the conclusion that I must be some kind of floosey and had a lot of shorter flings and couldn't get past the 6 month mark. It didn't matter that it had been the only REAL relationship I had been in before her. I guess I should have been sleeping around more. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
 kiev95
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 79
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 6:59:17 PM
It's a red flag for marrige minded people. A person (a man or a woman) who never been married by age 45 might be afraid of commitment or too selfish to be married to someone (marriage is about caring about other people (spouse or kids). But for somebody who is the same way, it might be an advatage.
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 80
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 7:30:42 PM
I have yet to make any sense of this type of thinking that if you have been married in the past and now divorced then this shows you can commit!! Wtf! What is up with that? So if I had gotten married and then divorced my husband that would show I can commit? Really. So the fact that I have no failed marriages and a slew of kids in my wake raises red flags!? How very interesting. I better get on the ball get married and divorced two or three times and have three kids and then I will be datable. Pfft man people can be incredibly foolish.


Having a failed marriage or marriages in your past does not show you can commit.It only shows that you give up and bailed on your marriage.
 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 83
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/7/2010 8:17:14 PM
Never married is possibly a red flag, but not as much as someone being married a few times. I came out of a decade long live in relationship where she just wasn't feeling it no more and what I found out here was certainly shocking.

I've gone out with someone married twice. It became obvious why she ended up that way- impulsive, flighty, mixture of legal and illegal substances, and emotionally unstable. Another woman- married once- drama, constantly fighting with neighbours, everything had to be her way, judgemental bigoted and a million iron clad rules on how things must be done. Another one had X drama that consumed most of her attention.

So here I am in my forties never married. I see no point if that's all there is to choose from.These were all just Titanics with the iceberg in plain sight.

I have a good job, all my stuff is paid for, no headaches at home and retirements looking brighter every day. Should I get married just to say I was? I hear in Mexico they have quickie divorce- get someone, get married, honeymoon, vacation and then at the end- divorced. Two weeks tops.

Sounds like fun- anybody up for it? I have to get this "red flag" off my otherwise spotless resume.


 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 84
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 6:46:06 AM

The anger, bitter, vile, blame everyone else comments has convinced me you all are messed up & I am going to put your group on my Do Not Call list!
Hooray!!!
 SingleGuy4912
Joined: 7/25/2006
Msg: 85
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 6:59:25 AM
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?

Meh. It's just an excuse used by some divorced folks to make themselves feel better about the mistakes they've made.
 EvilLolli
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 86
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:24:17 AM
It always amazes me how fast some are to stick a red flag on something but refuse to ask questions about it. Making assumptions about a person's situation and forcing said person to then fit the stereotype they have in their head, rather than find out about the individual. Guess it just goes with our modern "fast food" society- get it, label it, throw it away, but don't think/ask about it.

The assumptions that bother me with the red flag for never married/no kids things are:

1. Can't commit-marriage doesn't equal commitment. If you are still married you can be cheating, if you are a divorced you broke that commitment, you could have been in a serious LTR for longer than a marriage but just never done the paperwork, etc. My grandparents(married almost 70yrs) would say divorce is a sign a person doesn't understand what commitment is. Having children doesn't mean you can commit either, since I see more and more kids being raised by daycare/school than by parents in my area-I don't see the commitment of the parent to raise their own children.

2. Must have baggage/issues- after a certain age everyone has some issue or baggage. It's just a fact of life. It's how a person deals with said issues/baggage that should be important, not the baggage/issue itself. And some may consider children/divorce big truckloads of baggage.

3. Means a person is undateable/undesirable- sometimes it just doesn't happen on the same schedule as other people are on. Just because a seeming majority has worked their life into said schedule of marriage by 20-something, kids before 30-something, etc. doesn't mean that schedule is a one-size-fits-all. It also doesn't mean the person wasn't willing to be married, it just means something hasn't happened yet to get them to the altar.

4. Selfish/unwilling to compromise/sacrifice- not everyone rates giving/compromise/sacrifice the same. Not being married or having kids does not automatically mean a person isn't able, it can just mean that they haven't found the right fit yet.

As for the "holier than thou" airs some put on about parenthood. It strikes me sometimes as coming off extremely selfish(me and my kids, me and my kids-repeat ad nauseum). I wonder how "holy" these people would feel if they found out that person they have been looking down their nose on were incapable of having children? Where is the highly touted patience, kindness, etc then? Or is that patience/compassion just saved for your stuff/kids?

I have to just say to this:


The anger, bitter, vile, blame everyone else comments has convinced me you all are messed up & I am going to put your group on my Do Not Call list!


The most bitter posts in this thread seem to have come from the poster of this statement. Does anyone else see the irony here? Holy fun house mirror Batman!
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 88
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:37:03 AM

Unless the vows stated a disclaimer including unfaithfulness or something about an open marriage, then I see traditional vows as being pretty black and white.


Speaking of open marriage, Monique (the comedian), came out in a new interview and announced to the world that her and her husband has an open marriage. She supposedly never cheated, but allows her husband to.

Can certain people get even more pathetic? It just shows that some people don't value the true meaning of marriage, have absolutely no morals and sense. What is the point of even being married? A true disgrace, to say the least.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 89
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:47:12 AM

Can certain people get even more pathetic? It just shows that some people don't value the true meaning of marriage,

What exactly is the "true meaning of marriage?" They came to an agreement that works for them (which means he's not "cheating"). To me, that's how a marriage should be. I certainly think it's better than the way many people do it: say your vows and then sneak around behind the other person's back.
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