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 CoolBreezez
Joined: 8/20/2006
Msg: 90
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?Page 4 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
But after reading this I have changed my mind. The anger, bitter, vile, blame everyone else comments has convinced me you all are messed up & I am going to put your group on my Do Not Call list!


It would seem the judges don't take too well to being judged. LOL

I was just recounting my own experiences. I own them and hopefully learned a few things.

Painting all unmarried with the same negative black brush of generalization is just another form of discrimination. It's convenient to berate what you don't like or understand. Using past marriages as a measurement of commitedness is a weak argument at best.

My examples above might lead someone to believe that I think marriage is a bad thing. Fortunately I have a number of friends that are happily married and I see the merit in it. But it has to be done with the right person, not just another warm body. Its about the persons involved, not the marriage- Isn't it?

Married , divorced , never married- all people have issues to various degrees and no state of partneredness confers any superiority or inferiority upon an individual.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 92
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 10:34:59 AM
Alooo wrote:


What exactly is the "true meaning of marriage?"


The true meaning of marriage TO ME, means that I am dedicating my life to that ONE person only. I don't believe in the slightest bit that marriage was meant to be degraded, which is in my eyes, what an open marriage is and cheating.


They came to an agreement that works for them (which means he's not "cheating").


This is by far one of the dumbest and most ridiculous comments I've come across in a while. So committing adultery in a marriage isn't cheating? Regardless if they came to an "agreement" that works for them, sleeping with someone else other than your spouse is still committing infidelity, regardless.


To me, that's how a marriage should be. I certainly think it's better than the way many people do it: say your vows and then sneak around behind the other person's back.


Yet another utterly ridiculous and dumb comment. Neither way is okay, to be frank and the fact that you even agree with open marriage shows your severe immorality and high case of ignorance.

This is one of many reasons why I think this country is so effed up now.
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 94
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:17:19 AM

Yet another utterly ridiculous and dumb comment. Neither way is okay, to be frank and the fact that you even agree with open marriage shows your severe immorality and high case of ignorance.

gosh, rush. i'm surprised to read your vehemence and use of verbal bludgeons here, given your typically reasoned tone and attention to nuance.

So committing adultery in a marriage isn't cheating?

not if sexual fidelity isn't written into the vows. for some people, the loyalty is in the heart and the head, and not the genitals. it's like swinging. it can work. it's not for everyone, but no one is suggesting it should be.

the morality is in the agreements, not just the actions. if you see a plant in my yard and you want it, so you come over and dig it up without telling me, that's immoral. but if you tell me you want it first, and i say sure, come get it, it's not immoral. the agreement determines the morality of the actions.

who knows if monique and her husband's arrangement will work? i certainly wish them the best. if they have an arrangement that's solid and mutually agreed upon and is able to be honored, more power to them, because that would put them ahead of most people.
 Delete_Me_Please
Joined: 11/10/2009
Msg: 95
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:30:06 AM

This is by far one of the dumbest and most ridiculous comments I've come across in a while. So committing adultery in a marriage isn't cheating?

"Cheating" is when you break the rules. So in this case, the guy is committing adultery but he's not cheating.

Yet another utterly ridiculous and dumb comment. Neither way is okay, to be frank and the fact that you even agree with open marriage shows your severe immorality and high case of ignorance.

What I agree with is letting people live their lives in a way that makes them happy. It doesn't mean I'd practice it myself. To me, "ignorant" and "immoral" would be condemning people who aren't hurting anybody just because they don't want to play by your rules or society's rules.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 96
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 2:52:13 PM

gosh, rush. i'm surprised to read your vehemence and use of verbal bludgeons here, given your typically reasoned tone and attention to nuance.


Well, I do keep a pretty clean and "smooth" tone on these forums, but some posts deserve a good verbal 'tone' every now, and then.

I think the reason why Monique has an open marriage is because more than likely, she knew her husband would 'cheat' anyway. Just my observation.
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 100
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:25:29 PM

Some people who feel they were given the gift of being able to make tremendous sacrifice simply due to the fact they had children demonstrate they are still "all about me." They just don't recognize it.


imo,Amen,can i say that? just checking, and the self profess chemical blond's will self implode with their near sighted-mess.

And the same folks who rear these crumb stealer s ha! just go the Chuckie Cheese or Toy are Us to see who's in control of what! lol jmo
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 101
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:03:18 PM

It's a red flag for marrige minded people.
So divorced people should be a red flag for people who want to avoid others who get hopelessly involved in relationships doomed to fail??

I have yet to make any sense of this type of thinking that if you have been married in the past and now divorced then this shows you can commit!!
Exactly.

I look at like this: if someone makes an erroneous profiling judgment of me, they save me my effort of investing time getting to know someone who is prone to having emotional incorrect knee-jerk notions. This is NOT someone I want to get to know.

I've got faith that there are PLENTY of attractive single parents and divorced folks without kids out there NOT hamstrung by the false belief of these dating profiling crutches and who don't oversimplify complex social issues in order to have some false sense of thinking they understand something well that don't understand at all.

Really, divorced people believe that unmarried single folks who haven't had children can't possibly understand child-related issues, sympathize with single parents, or assume that they are commitment-phobes? That sort of default de-humanized mindset sounds straight out of Nazi Germany.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 102
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:03:21 PM
Apparently it is. so is there a group buy on these Red Flags or are they issued ? And in all fairness, those of you that have been married and have kids, please report to the same location to recieve your Black Flag. We can wave semaphor at each other and avoid the whole dating hassle.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 105
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:26:28 PM
That's just what we need choosing colours and taking sides. Why don't we all just wave white flags and agree to disagree
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 106
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:34:01 PM

After much agonising and three children to think of I finally left my marriage due to my husband NOT suppporting me during the "good times and the bad".

People don't generally just walk out of a marriage, most do make some kind of effort to talk to their partner and try to solve the problems. However it isn't always so easy if the other person isn't interested.

For the record - Divorce doesn't always happen because of infidelity. There are a thousand other reasons.


Divorce is never, and I use that word very sparingly around here, the fault of just one person. There are three sides to every story, his, hers and there there is the unvarnished, unbiased truth.
 Aries415
Joined: 3/12/2007
Msg: 107
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:34:47 PM
Hi. I would like to meet a man (36-45) who's never been married AND WOULD LIKE TO GET MARRIED, has no children, AND WOULD LIKE TO HAVE HIS OWN CHILDREN. Because I'm getting just the opposite most of the men I come across have been married before (or are separted) and have children (2-3). I think I could handle him having just one (1), but two-three! OMG!

If you're out there please send me a message! Thanks.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 108
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:35:10 PM
Attention all shoppers. We have a blue light special at the front of aisle 2. For one hour only, red flags will be half price. Hurry and get your red flags to wave to anyone that doesn't fit your mold. There's a limit of only 10 per customer. Happy shopping.
 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 109
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Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 8:43:39 PM
Find me a woman who won't waste years of my life saying they want to be together forever then either leave over some identity crisis or cheat out of the blue and marriage probably wouldn't really be an issue. Personally I'm not sure why people see marriage as some sort of sign that someone is committed to a relationship. It has NOTHING to do with how loyal you are or how good you are as a partner. It always astounds me how women can think a piece of paper suddenly makes someone faithful or worthy of a relationship. Kind of naive and irrational way to think. To me it's a religious custom and since I have no belief in religion it really means nothing to me. I definitely don't think I could ever have a church wedding because it would be completely hypocritical of me. It would strictly be a justice of the peace thing. I'm the type of person who has no problem dedicating everything I have and loving one person until the day I die. I don't need papers to make me do it. It's just the way I am. Too bad I haven't met a woman with the same dedication.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 110
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/8/2010 9:16:03 PM
to cw35:
i see that you are a good man.
i do not think 40 is too old or young to have not been married.
i did say it is a red flag to me.
but not always.
anyway..
i am hoping for you that you meet that special woman to spend your life with.
you are correct in much that you have said.

there are many women out here, on and off pof, who you can date who will not mind if you have married or not.
personality and your Character comes first.
by yr profile..yours appears to be good.
good luck to you.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 111
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 12:31:21 AM
give me another flag. currently not married, no kids..... not looking to get married, or have kids. Let me know when the next event is, I am getting a nice collection of these red flags.... maybe I can lease them out to Macys for their parade.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 112
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 1:29:19 AM
Just think of how good all those red flags would look being waved by all the undesirable spectators at a sporting event. Someone should have thought of putting a maple leaf on them - thosands of them could have been distributed for the 2010 Olympics maybe we need an anthem too
 Tammy the cat
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 113
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 2:15:31 AM
People are going to be biased one way or another.Those with a bit extra thought will stop an give you the time of day.Why do you want to date prejudiced people anyway(that already consider you as ????? risky or whatever without getting to know you first).Consider this,their loss not yours.People enrich our lives through association.Not everyone can be the love of your life but many can be very close loyal friends.Dont settle for less than what you know you want.First impressions can be deceptive,overall whats underneath is far more important.Keep looking ,she is out there somewhere.
 Fifi47
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 115
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 3:25:26 AM
^^^^And your point is? I get tired of the attitude that so many people who have been married have that we who have not been married know nothing about life because we have not experienced what they have experienced. Guess what? the people who have been married have not experienced what I have experienced. I am not saying that the previous poster has this attitude, I am just saying that there is no wrong or right and at this point in my life what is the big deal if a man has been married and has kids and I have not? I prefer to date men who have grown children or older children who is free of hatred for his exes or is not in love with them. I seem to be penalized so many times since I do not have the same baggage they have if they have problems with an ex or child, and am looked upon as unable to commit or emotionally unhealthy because I have not been married and/or have children. I am also confused by why most of the never married men I have met will not date women who have not been married and prefer women who have been married who have younger children. Maybe they have a knight in shining armor thing going on, or maybe they all feel incomplete without children.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 117
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 5:16:55 AM
Find me a woman who won't waste years of my life saying they want to be together forever then either leave over some identity crisis or cheat out of the blue and marriage probably wouldn't really be an issue. Personally I'm not sure why people see marriage as some sort of sign that someone is committed to a relationship. It has NOTHING to do with how loyal you are or how good you are as a partner.


What CW? C'mon, just because 50% of marriages fail, and the top causes are 'infidelity' and 'money issues', you don't see marriage as a sign of 'commitment'? I've never cheated, although I've been cheated on (and I would wish that hurt on *noone*), I'm not a cheapskate, although I'm also not going to go buying 'her' (supposed to be "us"?) a $500K house without discussion of how *we* (not *I*, been there, have the scars) pay for it... communication, compromise - partnership. Honestly hard to find I think (otherwise I wouldn't still be single). If I find 'her', a true partner, marriage wouldn't be a problem... or if she didn't want to, not getting married wouldn't be a problem either - neither is a sign of 'commitment' to me - really *being* committed is.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 118
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 5:39:16 AM

So, how come you never got married?

My relationship picker was broken ...
I've done some 'repairs' on it through the years with the things I've learned over the years...

Hell, aren't most of us (except maybe widows/widowers) here because of that?
 Cicciolina
Joined: 7/4/2009
Msg: 119
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 9:56:23 AM
It could be a red flag depending on who is looking.
Men like you are dating GOLD. Alot of people don't want to date people with baggage(divorces, baby mamas, kids) It is just not an attractive deal to some people.

Some people think that an older man that has never committed to someone long term or married must be defective.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 120
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 12:36:51 PM

I'm 45 and have never married and never had kids.
Things just never worked out for me in this matter.
So why is it, when this info is revealed a red flag goes up?
I use to think this would play to my advantage, but after turning 40 I could see the table had been turned.
Any thoughts?

For me, it would not be a red flag, but it would be a "duly noted". Most folks do get married and/or have kids, a lifetime of being primarily single would be a bit out of the 'norm', but who the hell wants to go by everything Norm says?
I can only speculate that having never married, or never having kids,are just kind of 'different', like having 6 toes or being able to wiggle your ears, or having one blue eye and one brown eye. "Different" just scares the hell out of people, for some reason. That said, OP, there isn't much you can do about it NOW, is there? We can send a man to the moon but we can't turn back time.
Cindy O
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 122
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 3:53:17 PM
OK , I cannot claim "never married"..because I was, for a long time,and he passed away unexpectedly. But I'm not an official biological parent...which just baffles the HELL out of people sometimes.
Ah well
however

It's best to take the approach of giving the benefit of the doubt to people.
However, investing too much in them, is not a good idea, till you've peeled back many layers. You will have little control in what someone is willing to do, to facilitate that.

Nor is it wise to making them the only one you're investigating. Especially, if they're not willing to facilitate revealing their authentic self.


I absolutely GET what's being conveyed here, and it's how I've chosen to lead my life since becoming unexpectedly single.
The problem is, that so many cannot understand this, they think that you have "walled off" your heart, or that you are some kind of player. And I suspect that one COULD over-do this strategy and wander into "walled-up heart/player" territory.
Since 80% of people regard "success" as "being WITH someone"...being married or in a LTR, I can't at this point claim that model of "sucess". I do however, live life on my own terms, within the laws of God, man and gravity. I cannot claim splendid finances, but what I do have hasn't been drained or otherwise mucked up by a bad relationship decision. If I want drama, I have to turn on the TV, rent a movie, read a book or visit the PoF forums. I don't have a big anger, resentment or hate for any person or group of persons,except persons or groups who make a practice of doing unjustified/unmotivated HARM to others.
So I don't call "never married/no kids a flag of any color, just a fact to take note of,because it's not nearly as common as being(or having been) married, and having children once one gets up over 40.
Cindy O
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 123
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 4:48:19 PM
I have a sister who's in her late 50's who's never been married and has no kids. That was her choice, but I guess some people would automatically red flag her without knowing her.

My sister was considered a "hottie" in her younger days. Guys were always pursuing her and she had no shortage of boyfriends and relationships. She had a few serious relationships and had marriage proposals that she ultimately turned down. Part of the problem is she's extremely career driven. Her career is everything to her. She is highly intelligent, highly educated (has a Ph. D.), she's a big shot executive making a six figure salary, and has written books that are used in university studies. She is very generous with donations to a number of charities and does volunteer work.

The guys that proposed to her wanted her to go the trailer trash route-forget about a career, stay home barefoot and pregnant and pop out kids every nine months while the guy is the sole wage earner and goes off with his buddies fishing, golfing, chasing girls, etc. The guys didn't want the threat of her making the same or a higher wage than them and having a higher education level.

Even though she' never been married and has no kids. she's a much more productive member of society and has contributed more to society than most other people will ever do.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 124
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 3/9/2010 4:53:10 PM
^^^^ Good for her!!
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