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 colt8301
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 256
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?Page 9 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

Let me get this straight. The one who is demanding that the other change his life and expects him to meet her needs is not the selfish one? Um, hello, McFly! The person with all the needs is the one being selfish.


Lollll!!!! I have to give you a high five for the "Biff" line.
 Plenty_of_FreeTime
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 257
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:45:42 AM
So what's the bigger red flag,someone like me, never married/no kids...or someone who's been married say 5 times with 6 kids by 3 different husbands?
It goes both ways IMO,and if you dig deep enough,there's probably at least one little red flag in all of us,maybe more than one thinks!
Dealbreakers,red flags etc. are just the internet easy way out of saying I'll pass ,to a lot of people,kind of judgmental isn't it?
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 258
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:52:05 AM
The people that don't want to have kids are often the best parents. The people that want to have kids are often the worst. The reasons why aren't rocket science. People with the foresight not to make dumb mistakes and who think ahead are best at applying that same thinking and reasoning ability on to raising children.
 Plenty_of_FreeTime
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 259
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:11:30 AM
@ Fadedrainbow....I actually like kids,(as long as they belong to someone else)living in Mormon land I'm pretty much surrounded by kids.
But when I was younger say under 45,I was pretty irresponsible,drank a bunch and in my mind probably wouldn't have been the best dad....but we'll never know the answer to that will we?
And btw,I was in a live in relationship for over 10 years,longer than a lot of marriages,she had 3 kids too.
I wanted to move out of Calif. and she didn't....end of that story!
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 260
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 10:27:59 AM
It is a flag, but I have learned not to make assumptions. I met 2 guys who could not have children and my assumptions ended the conversations and both were hurt they couldn't have children. I understand that other guys just don't get around to settling down and having children and some don't want children. I also met a guy who had a daughter with handicaps who died at a few months. For this reason he did not want children and had a vasectomy.

OP you have to understand that children are part of the parents. Woman who are single parents dream of finding a man who could love their children as their own. Often exes create a lot of drama. So a single childless guy may not have experience with all the drama. If you have nieces and nephews that you hang out with talk about it in your profile. Volunteer for a big brother program or volunteer with a foster/group children's program. They have program where you can take a child out for the day or weekend. It helps prepare them for getting a family. If you are really interested in pursuing woman with children make the effort and show you are also interested in children.
 pfif
Joined: 6/11/2012
Msg: 261
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 11:03:39 AM
I've known few women well enough to have heard an honest
life's story out of them. The one that did, was unique, and
she told me her truth. For years.

Since I did not hold a willingness to commit as a valid metric
by which to engage with a woman, I discovered, quite by
accident, that .. well, actually, it's none of your business.

... and I'm back quiet.
 FairlyAlright
Joined: 9/26/2011
Msg: 262
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 11:33:46 AM
I'm seeking this particular red flag. Unfortunately, the number of women in my age group without kids who do not want to get married is vanishingly small. Fortunately, it's not quite zero.
 myownjourney
Joined: 7/11/2012
Msg: 263
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 12:36:27 PM
Once upon a time--back when people had actual sense--it was seen as a really positive attribute if you didn't have kids. People understood it only makes sense that if one doesn't have kids, they'll be better able, in every respect, to contribute to the development of a relationship. It's a fact that was readily accepted and acknowledged. Times have changed. These days, the common perception is that if one doesn't have kids, then this is a negative reflection on those persons for a grand plethora of reasons.
 DomG79
Joined: 3/12/2011
Msg: 264
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 2:42:01 PM
I think the red flag raises on people who thinks that the OP's situation is a red flag. If they are that close-minded, it's no wonder why THEY are single. As far as marriage, a wise man learns from their mistakes, a wiser man learns from the mistakes of others. Perhaps most of this OP's peers are divorcees.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 265
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 4:19:52 PM

And btw,I was in a live in relationship for over 10 years,longer than a lot of marriages,she had 3 kids too.
I wanted to move out of Calif. and she didn't....end of that story!


So let me intrepret this, you were in a LTR with a woman with three kids and you wanted to move out of state, and she didn't want to disrupt her children's lives by uprooting them and moving on a whim? So you throw away ten years of relationship because you didn't get what you wanted.

Thanks for proving my point regarding Red Flags. Those of us with children know that we sometimes do have to think of someone other than ourselves. Rather than have some man walk away because I have to consider someone other than him, I'll pass on the risk of a man with no kids.

@Cawkblawker - So for you a man with kids or at least younger children is also a red flag, you are not interested in that type of relationship. No one is saying that everyone should kids, gawd forbid! If you dont want them, of course do not have them and no one should judge for that. It is the right decision for you, just a choosing to not have a relationship with a man who does not have kids is the right decision for me.

Again as I have pointed out before, the ones who say that it is not a red flag are mostly the ones who do not have children. Sorry you don't get to tell those of us who do have kids who we should and should not find acceptable as a partners. We know what we want and most of us experiences in our past that help us to make those decisions.
 swigadig
Joined: 8/2/2011
Msg: 266
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 4:41:14 PM
thats pretty much me to a tee
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 267
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 5:23:27 PM
So let me intrepret this, you were in a LTR with a woman with three kids and you wanted to move out of state, and she didn't want to disrupt her children's lives by uprooting them and moving on a whim? So you throw away ten years of relationship because you didn't get what you wanted.


She also threw away ten years of relationship because she didn't get what she wanted.


Thanks for proving my point regarding Red Flags. Those of us with children know that we sometimes do have to think of someone other than ourselves. Rather than have some man walk away because I have to consider someone other than him, I'll pass on the risk of a man with no kids.

Again as I have pointed out before, the ones who say that it is not a red flag are mostly the ones who do not have children. Sorry you don't get to tell those of us who do have kids who we should and should not find acceptable as a partners. We know what we want and most of us experiences in our past that help us to make those decisions.


You're looking for something and thinking of yourself as well. If the man doesn't offer to you exactly what you seek, you won't have anything to do with him.

The thing about people who HAVE been married and HAVE children is that they HAVE walked away from a marriage. Now you seem to think because they've done it once they are less likely to do it again? Sorry, but that logic escapes me.

Nobody is telling you what to do. They're just pointing out the fallacies in your posts.
 BlooFlame
Joined: 6/14/2012
Msg: 268
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 5:34:02 PM
Eh.
I think red flag is a bit too strong of a word. I think it's something that bears investigating.

For instance, at my age it's actually more abnormal for a man to be divorced with kids, so the flag isn't based on some sort of inherent flaw. If the man has some sort of terrible, unmarriable personality, I'll find that out quite quickly. My concern would be children. I've already ha three, and I wouldn't want more, I don't think. Would he be ok with that? Or is that a red flag for him???

As I get older and most single people are divorcees, the game changes a bit. Once again, the reasons are key. Spent the first years of your life focused on your career and now ready to slow down? No problem. Three extremely long term relationship where you were eventually dumped because you refused to committ? That may be a red flag.

Overall, I think it's safe to just let time tell. Either you'll be great together and your lives will mesh or it'll be a hot mess...regardless of the past
 Plenty_of_FreeTime
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 269
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 6:13:23 PM

And btw,I was in a live in relationship for over 10 years,longer than a lot of marriages,she had 3 kids too.
I wanted to move out of Calif. and she didn't....end of that story!


So let me intrepret this, you were in a LTR with a woman with three kids and you wanted to move out of state, and she didn't want to disrupt her children's lives by uprooting them and moving on a whim? So you throw away ten years of relationship because you didn't get what you wanted.


Way to assume without knowing ALL the facts:
Her kids were grown and not living at home
We had kind of gone our separate ways to a certain extent,STILL good friends though
Calif.was becoming a sucky place to live
What I sold my home in Calif. for, was just too good of an opportunity to pass up
Plus I did offer her a chance to move with me,see if maybe we could re-light the spark

There's more but I think you get the point!
 ComplekCity
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 270
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 6:16:54 PM
Yes, it's a HUGE red flag - purchase a ticket to the island of misfit toys at once !
 FairlyAlright
Joined: 9/26/2011
Msg: 271
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 6:22:18 PM


Yes, it's a HUGE red flag - purchase a ticket to the island of misfit toys at once !


What I wouldn't give for one of those tickets.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 272
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 6:54:49 PM

The thing about people who HAVE been married and HAVE children is that they HAVE walked away from a marriage. Now you seem to think because they've done it once they are less likely to do it again? Sorry, but that logic escapes me.


Yes they have already walked away from at least one other serious relationship and are they more or less likely to walk away from a second relationship? I don't know, but what I do know is that from my experience, the men that I have dated that had children had a greater understanding that many decisions had to be made based on what was in the best interest of the children and not what they wanted.

I still hear from men who have never had children that they don't mind if a woman has children but the kids can't come first, the relationship/man must always come first. Guess what? Sometimes the kids come first, sometimes the man comes first, sometimes it is the job, sometimes it is the elderly parents and heaven forbid, sometimes it is me!

I never said that anyone was telling me what to do, what I said was that it seemed to me that the majority who said it was not or should not be a red flag were those who did not have children/and or had never been married. My point was that is pretty arrogant for someone who has never had/been those things, to tell those of who have what we should or should not be looking for in future relationships.
 Paderic
Joined: 2/23/2010
Msg: 273
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 7:58:04 PM
I don't know, but what I do know is that from my experience, the men that I have dated that had children had a greater understanding that many decisions had to be made based on what was in the best interest of the children and not what they wanted.


How many men is that? One? Two? Even if it's a dozen, that's an infinitesimally small sample size. What is the sample size of the divorced men you're comparing them to?

I really don't care what you base your decisions on. However, if you post an ignorant stereotype as an argument in one of these discussions, you should expect to be called on it.

I've met a few divorced women who were cold, nasty people. Does that mean that all divorced women are like that?

I still hear from men who have never had children that they don't mind if a woman has children but the kids can't come first, the relationship/man must always come first.


And based on those few men you've heard from, you extrapolate that to all men who have never had children?

Incidentally, your profile says your children are over 18. Isn't it about time for them to be standing on their own two feet?


I never said that anyone was telling me what to do,


Perhaps I misunderstood the following quote:

Sorry you don't get to tell those of us who do have kids who we should and should not find acceptable as a partners.
 APureDiamondGirl
Joined: 4/14/2012
Msg: 274
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 8:54:47 PM
Applause. Major applause. Ladies I hope you were listening to what this gentleman was saying.
Thanks helps me see this issue clearer.
 heypretty
Joined: 6/27/2012
Msg: 275
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:00:08 PM
probably wondering about the lil swimmers
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 276
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:02:07 PM

I really don't care what you base your decisions on. However, if you post an ignorant stereotype as an argument in one of these discussions, you should expect to be called on it.


The OP was asking if this was a red flag at his age, each and every person's red flags are different. My answer was yes, It is great that for the people with different life exeperience that their answer is no, but for me it is what it is. It not an ignorant stereotype it is my preference based on my personal experience and it works for me.


Incidentally, your profile says your children are over 18. Isn't it about time for them to be standing on their own two feet?


I don't know about you, but where I come from, we don't just throw them out when they reach the ripe old age of 18. You sir are now assuming a lot about my life, for all you know, I have a seriously disabled child that I am responsible for permanently, that is not the case, but 8, 18 or 28, they are still my children and if they need me, I will be there for them, just as they would do the same for me. As the saying goes, I would step in front of a bus for them. And that for me again raises the red flag, while yes they are adults and standing on their own, they are still and always will be my children and if they need me that will be my priority in their time of need.

In the end, I have not quoted any statistic, nor stating anything as a generalized fact, I have said that based on my personal experience, I would not chose to be with something who had never had children. It is my experience and my decision. The OP asked if this was a red flag and for me the answer was yes with an explanation of why.

I read many post on here basically saying I was wrong. Only a sampling but I think it gets the point across. But let me say, no I am not stupid, ignorant, I by the way did not break my marriage vows thank you very much, andI guess I was wrong for trying to commit, my kids aren't thre greatest and I sure as the h3ll never wanted anyone else to pay anything for them. Jealous?of what? I have gtwo awesome kids that I adore, they were not a mistake. Bitter,venom filled,wow that sounds like the pot calling the kettle black. Wow it's no wonderthey are single? How about you? And no I dont lack common sense.


i love it when divorced people find reason to suspect the unmarried. apparently lack of broken commitments is a dealbreaker.



So why is it, when this info is revealed a red flag goes up?



why should I be the one penalised for getting it right by not entering into a lifelong contract with the wrong person?



I'd hazard a guess, that a lot of times, when people say you are "selfish" because you haven't had kids, what they're really saying is, you're being "selfish" because you aren't willing to agree that their own kids are the greatest things since sliced bread, that you should be "privileged" to know such perfect little angels. Oh, and also have a bit of coin ready to dispense, for said little angels



It's really quite simple to me. If someone won't date me because I'm single and childless, I won't date them because they're ignorant and prone to stereotyping.



There's one word that describes people who would raise a red flag in this case-JEALOUSY



From what I've seen on here and IRL, the most bitter, venom filled, vengeful people are usually people who have kids.



You would think that not having an ex husband/wife and not having kids hanging onto your legs would make you more dating desirable but apparently not. I guess people are looking for others who have made the same mistakes that they have so they can feel better about their own choices in life.



Some people who feel they were given the gift of being able to make tremendous sacrifice simply due to the fact they had children demonstrate they are still "all about me." They just don't recognize it.



I think the red flag raises on people who thinks that the OP's situation is a red flag. If they are that close-minded, it's no wonder why THEY are single.



Once upon a time--back when people had actual sense--it was seen as a really positive attribute if you didn't have kids. People understood it only makes sense that if one doesn't have kids, they'll be better able, in every respect, to contribute to the development of a relationship.


[ People with the foresight not to make dumb mistakes and who think ahead are best at applying that same thinking and reasoning ability on to raising children.

So let's talk about ignorance and sterotyping, looks like there is an awful lot of that directed against single parents who, based on their personal preferences, want to have a relationship with someone elsewho is parent. How is this diferent than size preferences, age preferences, etc. We know what we want and don't want, but because you don't agree with it, it is wrong and I am guilty of being ignorant and stereotyping.
 Dreaminginpublic
Joined: 10/30/2003
Msg: 277
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:35:13 PM
I'm 27. I'm not 45 mind you. And to be honest.. I've never been in a very long term relationship. Reason is is because I am Extremely sensitive. for one I am shy and have extreme anxiety when trying to make my move on a girl and I wind up coming across too edgy. This block is hard to push through. When I break up with someone I've been with, It takes a long time to recover from it, sometimes years before i try to get out of my shell again. I was in a relationship with a girl for 6 months. and she cheated on me... I just flat out dumped her then and there.

Keep in mind. I would LOVE to be in a relationship and have children. I get extremely lonly sometimes. Some girl will be really lucky because when I find her I'll cherish her and make it work. As long as she doesn't cheat on me..
 Thomas_Andronicus
Joined: 6/17/2012
Msg: 278
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/15/2012 9:56:49 PM
msg 338

I think red flag is a bit too strong of a word. I think it's something that bears investigating...just let time tell.

Yes, it bears investigating. If I came across a lovely lady I would be curious as to why she never married/had kids and I would expect the same in return. Something nice to talk about over a cup of coffee. Some red flags might pop up but maybe the conversion would wax poetic :

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

[ Robert Frost ]
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 279
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/16/2012 4:44:06 AM
Hamilton12345,

So let's talk about ignorance and sterotyping, looks like there is an awful lot of that directed against single parents who, based on their personal preferences, want to have a relationship with someone elsewho is parent. How is this diferent than size preferences, age preferences, etc. We know what we want and don't want, but because you don't agree with it, it is wrong and I am guilty of being ignorant and stereotyping.


The issue is that you're using logical fallacies to make a strong decision/prejudgment, whereas the posts you're quoting are either mentioning common-sense or proven observations, or using empirical or subjective evidence only to make a statement of percentages.

It's the difference between saying:

a) I've had two rotten apples that are red, so I assume that all red apples are rotten, and...
b) Green apples have a higher rate of decomposition than red apples

You're getting called out because you're making a stance based on fallacious reasoning. Having an opinion is fine, but when the basis of your opinion is illogical or provably wrong, people will say something about it.
 BlooFlame
Joined: 6/14/2012
Msg: 280
view profile
History
Never been married, no kids. Is this a red flag?
Posted: 7/16/2012 4:47:47 AM
^^^^^

That was probably the biggest load of BS I've read in a while. Good start to my morning, thanks. But when you find the research backing up all the statements she posted, somehow making them fact versus ignorant opinion, please feel free to message them to me. If I still have an account in......never.
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