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 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 26
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No sugar coatingPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Take "you" out of the discussion? Sounds like you are reacting personally.

I'm not one for BRUTAL honesty, and I think we have a responsibility to serves things up in a way that our listener can hear/access. Sounds like he is not "speaking into your listening".

And yeah, it'd be fun to hear from nicecowboy, lol.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 27
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No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 7:56:36 AM

And yeah, it'd be fun to hear from nicecowboy, lol.

 Angel__Wings
Joined: 7/25/2009
Msg: 28
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 8:38:51 AM
I could never be with someone who has that whole "Brutal Honesty" attitude. I have seen to many times turn into personal attacks on the other person. There is a huge difference between being honest with someone and being an a$$ to someone.

The majority of people I have met that claim they are brutally honest are deep down just not nice people. They hold on to the idea that they are better people because they are "tell it like it is" people and for the most part could care less about the person they are being brutally honest to.

I do not have one person in my life who claims to be brutally honest. To me it is a huge red flag when I see this on a profile or hear it from a person. The I run the other way LOL
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 30
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No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 8:52:09 AM
Offering an honest opinion is vastly different from resorting to a personal attacks or to constantly give out unsolicited advice. From your previous posts it is beginning to appear your BF doesn't like you very much.
 mickeymowss
Joined: 9/18/2009
Msg: 32
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 10:35:19 AM
Don't let someone else make decisions for you!


Is it possible to disagree with out getting convo mauled?

Let the guy know where you stand, relationships shouldn't be "one-way" streets.
 MySpoonIsTooBig!
Joined: 2/20/2010
Msg: 33
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 10:53:40 AM
Honesty is obviously perfectly fine, & brutal honesty can also be OK if it's what someone needs to hear.

But it sounds more like this guy's using his opinion like a club & beating you over the head with it if you don't agree with him. Not cool, & perhaps speaks to a lack of respect for your own opinions. Either that, or he's got a problem with his ego if he always expects to offer his opinion & have that be the end of things. He definitely needs to learn to agree to disagree when the two of you aren't on the same page, rather than resort to personal attacks. Suggest that to him next time he pulls this stunt, & if he doesn't improve in the communications department, you may need to look elsewhere...
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 35
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No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:00:47 AM
Ray of ray is mostly right, she just left out the critical word "MANY". As in, MANY people who claim they are into being "brutally honest" are actually just mean, self righteous, pompous ,and selfish. Not all of them.
I personally don't like the label "brutally honest," in part because it DOES get used as a cover for thoughtlessness and cruelty. I prefer something like "dispassionately honest." I will say exactly what I do think about something you ask me about, and will pull no punches, but neither will I PUSH punches.
As the OP has NOT given any examples of what she's describing, I can't tell whether this guy is an egotistical control freak (the description of intolerance for disagreeing with his opinions would fit that), or if the OP is the kind of person who asks for advice, then argues with the person trying to help them for failing to offer the advice they WANTED to hear.
I've run into both. I get asked for help often, and every now and then, I've dealt with people who would ask for my help and advice, then when I put time and effort into the answer, they would challenge me to a tense debate over the efficacy of my suggestions, as though I were trying to FORCE them to take my advice. If the OP is THAT kind of person, I'd be right there next to the guy, telling her to step off.
 DragNFlyBuzzez
Joined: 12/9/2009
Msg: 37
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No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:12:56 AM
[Anyone want my opinion? I'm the boyfriend. lol]


lol...............................well hell yea, this should be a great discussion................
 Revilors
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 38
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:29:59 AM

Anyone want my opinion? I'm the boyfriend. lol


I'll reply in case you really are the boyfriend.

Haven't you learned anything yet?

If she wanted your opinion...she would have given it to you!
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 39
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No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:32:10 AM
These two posts don't seem to line up. OP are you changing tacks here, aren't quite clear yet or am I missing something?
The OP:

Any time that I come to my boyfriend with any kind of complaint, issue, or just venting... he doesnt "sugar coat" his response! Don't get me wrong I appreciate his brutal honesty and often times Its what I really need to hear! however it starts to take on a whole other tone (from brutal honesty to an out and out personal attack) if I disagree in the slightest or question his logic! I truely value his opinions. Is it possible to disagree with out getting convo mauled?


The OP's follow up:


its not so much the honesty that i mind, it seems every two, or three weeks he just blows up at me over something that seems to me to not be worth an argument in the first place name calling, screaming ect... and i dont play those games. when i make a comment (amidst his yelling) to the point of" is this really worth a huge knock down drag out?" his response is always the same..."stop belittleing what I have to say." and cowboy dont lie you know its true let not have an e-fight! I doot scream and cuss, however I do argue. I just pick my battles wisely!


Which is it?
>> Do you approach him with a problem/complaint/issue or is it that he just seems to blow up out of the blue at you over trivial matters?

>> Do you disagree in the slightest or question his logic or is it that you are being dismissive of his feelings? Because "is this worth it?" is pretty dismissive yanno. Right up there with "talk to the hand".

^^ It might not be the "name calling game" but it is a game none-the-less.

You two obviously have a disconnect and a miscommunication, but it is hard to figure out where the disconnect is occurring from what you've said. I doubt it is only the one of you, it's the dynamic.

Oh, and by the way OP, it IS entirely possible to have a disagreement without getting "convo mauled" but it does mean you guys - which means you too - will have to change your stance. It seems - with the ver limited information here - that there is not a whole lot of listening happening.
 sweet_n_heart
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 41
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:48:20 AM
I know the truth can hurt but don't need to be brutal. But if going to be brutal and you can tell in result that you really hurt the persons feelings then show your sorry and actually care... I don't mean sorry for what they said, just sorry for hurting the other persons feeling.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 42
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 11:48:46 AM

he said he gets frustrated at of bringing up the same issue over and over without changing anything!

If that's the case, then both of you either need to change what's at the cause of the issue or you need to stop flogging the dead horse...then it comes across as constant nagging. Cure it or kill it but stop being redudant.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 45
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 12:15:02 PM
Sometimes it's just easier to "write the cheque" yourself. Sometimes the "principal of the matter" isn't as big a deal as you make it out to be. It's like a toilet seat up or down issue. Is it really worth all that effort to argue about something so trivial, or is it easier for one to just leave the frigging lid up...or down...as the case may be, rather than expending far more time arguing about it?
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 46
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No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 12:19:53 PM
So, am I getting this right?

Safireyes brings up something that is bothering her and the cowboy gives his reaction/opinion. The next week, Safireyes brings up the same something that is still bothering her that she hasn't resolved yet. The cowboy gives his reaction/opinion and possibly "attacks" her to 'just do it' or some such thing. The next week, Safireyes brings up the same something that is still unresolved and bothering her... the cowboy loses it and explodes all over her.

Safireyes is looking for "troubles talk" where she can vent about what is bothering her without investigating solutions.

Cowboy is looking to resolve problems so one doesn't need to indulge in troubles talk. Plus (I suspect) as he has given her (in his opinion) really good advice on how to handle the problem, the fact that she hasn't taken action on it but has come back around for another round of talking about it is seen as her being dismissive/disrespectful of him (via his advice).

Solution: Safireyes, save your troubles talk for your female friends. If you must discuss it with Cowboy, let him know you don't want a solution, just to vent about it. Cowboy, suitably armed, pretend to listen and give encouraging umms and ahhs at appropriate moments. Don't fix.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 47
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 12:39:02 PM
Once upon a time, I was working a job that was killing me. Problem was, it was a recession, and *we* needed the $. I'd turned down a much better job, but one which paid less money. At the end of the day, I'd drag my sad butt home, and vent. Super hero would always tell me just what to do (report my boss to the managing partner, and a bunch of other things that were NOT going to solve any of it). I finally figured out exactly what I needed. . . . "Hon, that's awful -- I really appreciate your doing this for us." Followed by a hug. He *could not do it.* The fixit hormone was too strong. The appreciation hormone non-existent.

On the check writing front: I too have a difficult time writing checks. Spending money, actually. My resources are limited, and as long as I *don't* write the checks, I still have money left to meet the unexpected. And life has taught me there is *always* unexpected. So I delay writing checks as long as I can. Maybe finding out why *she* has trubble with it would help?

 StatuesqueLuckyCharm!
Joined: 5/10/2009
Msg: 48
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 1:00:57 PM
Frankly, I'd like a man with a big D!ck couldn't resist
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 49
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 1:07:38 PM

Your BF just wants to give you a piece of his mind, and every time.

What never ceases to amaze me, is that it's the people who have so little to spare who seem the most willing to do this.
Cindy O
 pearlj
Joined: 3/1/2007
Msg: 50
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 1:25:45 PM
Honesty without compassion is brutality.
Charity
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 51
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 2:07:19 PM
Playing catch-up, looks to me like Margo summed it up neatly, and I think the suggested solution should be workable as well.

I'd add only that temper tantrums and name-calling don't help anything. Indulging in that just creates a whole new problem. I'm a pretty firm believer in saying something like, "I'm sorry, I need a break," and leaving for a while (maybe to take a walk, or go exercise) if tempted to lash out in that fashion - it seems to work for most people.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 52
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 2:17:51 PM
It's possible to disagree without being shouted down/"convo mauled", only if the other person is willing to afford you the same respect that you're giving him by listening to his opinion... which doesn't sound like the case in this instant.

Being with someone who respects me as an equal to him, who would listen to what I had to say and disagree politely when necessarily, would be a priority for me - being patronized or talked to rudely is something I don't enjoy...
 452
Joined: 11/1/2009
Msg: 53
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 2:24:49 PM
Ray of ray is mostly right, she just left out the critical word "MANY". As in, MANY people who claim they are into being "brutally honest" are actually just mean, self righteous, pompous ,and selfish. Not all of them.



No I left it out because people who call themselves brutally honest are all mean. The ones who claim not to be mean are also delusional.I am honest with people yet I don't tear them down.If someone ask me my opinion I will give it to them. There is a big difference when asked "what do you think of my new boyfriend", and saying "Wtf are you doing with that lame douche bag.God how can you stand listening to his idiotic drivel.I think I would shoot myself if I was the one with him". You can say the truth without saying all of that. For example "He is not someone I would ever date.I don't personally find him attractive,but if he truly makes you happy and is good to you then I am happy for you".
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 55
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No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 5:15:11 PM
I thought the snookie bear was a lil over the top, lol.

When people avoid doing something that is readily doable and not doing it will have a negative impact on their life... they usually have an emotional issue attached to it, and usually it is the emotional issue they are trying to avoid. It's not at all rational.

Figure out what the emotional attachment is, move it aside, plug your nose and do what needs to be done.

^^ My cheap advise.
 *pisceseyes
Joined: 9/30/2009
Msg: 57
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 9:02:59 PM
"snookie bear" and "chubby lil burrito"..are y'all serious??

and the title of this thread is "no sugar coating" ?
 Tammy the cat
Joined: 10/17/2008
Msg: 59
No sugar coating
Posted: 3/8/2010 10:10:31 PM
Age doesnt matter,you both talk via forums who cares.You both still in love,thats half the battle.You both need to learn the art of communication an learn how to really listen to each other,really listen an think a bit before respondingf.You are both different with 'things' or ways that seem to annoy the other at times.In the big skeam of things just how big an important are these things?Any a real deal breaker relationship wise?Think you two,with a bundle of joy not far away/you take the person,good points and annoying an learn to compromise,ignore (worth getting ulcers over?)or live with.Everybody has their own way of doing things,not necessarily one being more right than another.You value his opinion but dont agree with something he says?Say you love him,respect his opinion but could he explain his reason a bit more as you dont get it/no two minds think the same way.You ask for an opinion,he gives his,you can digest it but you still have a choice as to act on it or ignore it an dont act on it.Just close the topic quietly.He brings the same things up repeatly?To yourself note,what are these repeated arguements about,what bugs him,is there something i can change here?It takes two to create fights/ arguements,it takes two to be proactive in dealing with problem areas of any relationship in trying to improve things,situations or pet annoyances in personality/ways that upset the calm of a relationship.Joint effort,not im right/their wrong.ABove all,respect for each other,in the way you treat each other overall/attitude.No one is perfect.Good luck to you both an wish you both a long lasting,loving successful relationship.Get some councilling if you cant work it outbetween yourselves.Talk an listen to each other,dont yell.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 60
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No sugar coating
Posted: 3/9/2010 1:09:55 PM
Can we say twin trolls? Both threads, OP paints an azzhat, boyfriend responds to thread, sounding oh so unlike the situation described in the OP and the couple rides off into the sunset after amusing themselves a wee bit in the forums.

If any of this is true, Cowboy, just learn to write the checks.

Margo is correct, however, if there really is an issue, most often people aren't really fighting about the subject matter of a fight, it is underlying emotional issues that may or may not have to do with the other half of the couple.
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